Do You Think You're Up For This?

“My heart breaks and I feel no pain. My voice cracks yet it’s still the same, I’ll give you so much satisfaction you’ll blame yourself, for once. Apologize for what I never did, my darkest secrets and everything I hid.” – The Color Fred

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Michael

“It’s amazing to finally be home,” Rae grins, closing the apartment door behind us.

I don’t know if I was expecting her to have changed, but she looks exactly the same as before she left on tour.

She turns to me, wrapping her arms around my middle and resting her face in my neck. Her breath tickles my throat.

Although I can’t see the change through her hoodie, I can feel the new roundness of her stomach when she presses against me. I run my hands down her waist, leaning down to kiss her lips.

“Can you feel it?” she whispers against my mouth, looking up at me. I nod and she grins back, pressing her lips back to mine. “I’m so tired,” she breaks away to yawn widely after a few minutes.

I turn to grab her suitcase to drag to the bedroom, but she pulls me along by the hands instead.

I sit on the bed, kicking off my shoes and waiting for her to join me.

She pauses in the doorway, shedding her hoodie and jeans so that they drop to the floor. She climbs onto the bed with me, her stomach more visible through her thin tank top.

We lie in bed together, not necessarily talking about anything in particular, just enjoying each other’s presence. I’m almost asleep when she breaks the silence.

“We have to announce it soon, you know,” she points out.

“I know,” I sigh, kissing the back of her neck and lightly running my hand from her waist over her newly rounded stomach. “Can I get you anything?”

“I could go for some Oreos,” she turns to face me, grinning sheepishly. “And strawberries.” I get out of bed, ready to go digging through the kitchen for whatever she wants. “Michael?” she asks. I pause and turn to look at her. “Can you see if we have ice cream?” I nod. “Michael?” she asks, as I’m about to leave the room.

“Yes?” I turn back again, wondering what else she might possibly want. She smiles at me before finishing.

“I love you.”

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Suzie

I shiver when I wake up, feeling Mike’s breath on the back of my neck and his fingers tracing the tattoo of a musical note on my hipbone.

“Stop,” I groan incoherently. He ignores me, fingers continuing to tickle my skin. “Stop it, Mike,” I whine again, trying to hold in my urge to laugh.

Last night was the best we’ve had in awhile.

I didn’t think about the kiss at all last night, but now it’s on my mind again.

I hug the blankets to my bare body and press my face into my pillow. He takes his hands back.

“I was thinking we could go out to breakfast with my parents tomorrow,” he suddenly says, checking for my reaction when I raise my face from my pillow.

“I’m not sure how to break this to you, but that’s not exactly a turn on,” I say, nervously half-joking.

Not that I don’t like Mike’s parents, but I’m not exactly the best girl to bring home to mom and dad, and I always get the feeling that they know that, even if they’re too nice to say it to Mike’s face. I’m just not girlfriend material. I prefer not to feel insecure and awkward around them, as is how it always ends up.

“We don’t have to,” he points out. “What do you want to eat? I’ll make you something.”

“You can’t cook,” I point out.

“I can make toast and cereal.” I snort in laughter, rolling my eyes at him. “Well…then we can go out for lunch,” he suggests. “Then we can go shopping.”

“For what?” I ask, wondering why in the world he would say that. He absolutely hates it when I drag him shopping with me.

“Next week is your birthday. I want you to pick your present out.” I stare blankly at him for a few seconds. I bite my lip to keep from crying.

“Why are you so fucking good to me?” I demand in frustration, at a loss for words. He opens his mouth to say something, but he’s speechless at my outburst.

I want him to yell at me, throw things, kick me out of the apartment; I want him to do anything to show he knows what a bad person I am.

I want him to give me what I deserve.

I squirm away from his arms and from under the covers, getting out of bed.

I lock myself in the bathroom, turning on the shower so he won’t bother me.

The mirror reflects my naked self back at me, and I feel even more ashamed and disgusted with myself.

My eyes are smudged with leftover eyeliner and shadow, my long hair is tangled and knotted at the ends.

I want to throw up, even though my stomach is empty.

I’m perfectly fine with the way I look, so why doesn’t that make me happy?

Sure, I’m not as skinny as Rae, but I have more curves. That’s something, isn’t it?

So why didn’t Alex ever want me more than her?

“Suzie?” Mike calls through the door, unsuccessfully twisting the locked doorknob. “Please talk to me,” he pleads quietly.

I feel bad for shutting him out, but I can’t allow him to see me like this.

But I’m not sure why.

I’m not sure of anything anymore.

I finally step into the shower, the water mixing with the tears I’m shedding.

I cry because I’m a horribly shitty person.

…and that’s the only thing I’m sure of.