Do You Think You're Up For This?

“And all those nights I lost by thinking way too hard and long, I finally realize as long as I have you, I'll be alright.” – The Early November

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I wake up in the morning to a throbbing headache and stumble sleepy-eyed into the bathroom, finding a glass of water and aspirin near the sink. I take them and then splash cold water on my face to wake myself up.

I have an odd realization as I’m wiping my face with a towel.

It’s eerily silent.

I turn back to the bedroom, not seeing Michael on his side of the bed. I figure he’s gone out for groceries or something until I see that Elliott isn’t in his crib, either.

My heart jumps a little in anxiety and I go to search the rest of the apartment before I have an attack.

In my panicked confusion, I almost don’t notice the note on the kitchen table scrawled in Michael’s messy hand.

Rae,
Don’t worry so much, I’m taking Elliott out for the day.
Try and relax. Call me if you need anything, but I doubt you will.
Feel better, sweetheart.
I love you.
Michael

I let out a sigh of relief and wander back to the bedroom, carefully tucking the note into the corner of a picture frame.

I take a shower and get dressed. As I blow dry my hair, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself.

As if in answer to my question, there’s a knock at the door.

It opens just as I’m about to answer it.

“Hey,” Suzie nods at me, walking past me and into the kitchen.

“Um…hi?” I reply, following. She tosses her purse on the table and immediately begins searching the refrigerator.

I take a seat at the table while she pours herself a cup of orange juice before sitting across from me.

“Okay, spill,” she commands.

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Something’s obviously wrong. Michael doesn’t know, Bill doesn’t know. So what is it?”
I sigh, shaking my head at her.

“I haven’t…I haven’t written anything in so long, Suze. It’s been over a year since we’ve even played a show. The fans think we’re breaking up because of me. What if I can’t write anymore? What if everyone hates everything I write from now on?”

“Here,” she says, pulling a small bottle out of her purse and taking one of my hands to start painting my nails the obnoxiously bright pink she loves. “Since when do you care what anyone thinks?”

“Suzie, I don’t want the band to break up. I don’t want you and Seb and Jude to hate me. I don’t want to let everyone down. The label, the fans…” She frowns, looking confused.

“What are you talking about? We’re not breaking up, we’re just…on break.”

“I don’t want that, either.”

“We can always set up a meeting with the label,” she suggests, starting on the next hand. “We’re overdue to record the next album, anyway; Pete’s been on our backs about it.” She rolls her eyes. I breathe out in relief. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asks skeptically.

“Why wouldn’t I?” I ask defensively. “And why didn’t you tell me Pete’s wanted to put us back in the studio? Since when?”

“Well…I mean, we didn’t want you to get stressed. Pete knows that.” She shrugs. “We just thought you’d want more time with the baby.”

“I do want to be with Elliott,” I defend myself again. She rolls her eyes again.

“Christ, Rae. Calm down. I was just saying.”

“Sorry,” I mumble.

“Maybe you can ask Patrick to help if you’re having trouble writing. Or Bill.”

“I know,” I sigh, agreeing.

But it still doesn’t resolve the rest of my worries.

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Michael

“Chiz?” Mike asks, watching as I feed Elliott the remainder of his bottle. “How did you know you wanted to marry Rae?” he asks me out of nowhere. “And don’t say because you love her.” I take a few seconds to think while I put the bottle aside and arrange Elliott on my shoulder to burp him.

“Well…” I start to answer. “I just…I knew- I know I’ll never want anyone else, and I don’t want Rae to ever want anyone else. I want her to be happy, no matter what. I’ll do anything so that she’ll be happy.” I glance at him. “Why?”

“I think I want to ask Suzie,” he blurts out.

It isn’t something I was expecting to come out of his mouth. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I’m having trouble picturing Suzie with a ring on her finger.

“Really?” He nods. “Maybe you should talk to Rae about this.” After all, she’s known both Mike and Suzie longer than I have.

“But you’re a guy,” he stresses. “I want to know why you think you and Rae- I want to have what you two have. You’re happy.”

Again with the things I’m not expecting him to say.

“That’s not really a fair comparison, Mike…” I try to argue, trying to rearrange a restless Elliott in my arms. “Rae and Suzie are completely different, an-”

“I know that!” he rolls his eyes in frustration. “Chiz, I’m desperate here, and you’re the only one of my best friends that’s married! How are you and Rae so happy?” I sigh.

“Mike, I left her once, and it’s hard to forget that. Rae, she doesn’t make a big deal about it, but I want to make sure that I’m trying every day. I’m happy when she’s happy. It’s simple.”

“Okay,” he says, sighing.

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I relax and try to write after Suzie leaves, but I’m drawing a complete blank, so I’m relieved when Michael finally comes home with Elliott.

Elliott’s asleep in his carrier when Michael carefully sets him down in the living room.
I stand on my toes to firmly press a kiss to his lips in greeting. He smiles.

“Did you have a good day?” he asks, pulling me down on his lap after he sits on the couch.

“Yeah, but…” I trail off wordlessly. Sure, Suzie and I had a great day, but it doesn’t take away the problems at the end of it. “Suzie says Pete thinks we should get started on our next record.”

“That’s great,” he says, wrapping his arms around my waist loosely.

“But I can’t write anything,” I blurt out, hoping that I don’t start to get emotional. “I tried.”

“You’re just nervous,” he offers. “If you write, then you have to go back to the studio, and that means less time with Elliott,” he points out reasonably. “It’s probably all in your head, Rae. You think you need to choose between Elliott and the band, but that’s not true.”

“Well, what do you think I should do?” I question skeptically.

“I want you to do whatever makes you happy,” he answers.

“But both make me happy,” I point out, burying my face in his neck. “Why does it have to be so hard?”

“Because it’s how you are, Rae.”
I don’t even need to ask him what he means; I already know.

I try too hard to give 100% to everything, and when it comes down to making a choice, I’m lost.

“I’m so stupid. How did I ever think I could do this?” I ask him. “I do have to pick don’t I? Besides, what if we’re both working? Then what happens to Elliott?” He sighs.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If you want, I could take some time off again-”

“No,” I interrupt immediately. “I won’t let you.”

“Rae, Elliott is our son. You don’t have to worry for the both of us.”

“But-”

“I’m 100% behind whatever you want to do. We can work everything else out eventually.”

“Okay,” I say, because even though I don’t completely believe what he’s saying, I trust him completely.