Do You Think You're Up For This?

”Everyone watch me as I descend into a feeling that's overwhelming me. I finally stopped, stopped making sense…” – Hey Monday

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"Suze?" I call, pushing the front door open and walking through the apartment. "You here?"

I stop in the doorway of the bedroom, seeing her lying in bed and facing the wall, buried in covers.

"Suzie,” I repeat, closing the door behind me. “I know you're awake," I inform her, sitting on the other side and leaning against the headboard. I wait patiently for her to say something.

"Where's Elliot?" she finally asks, almost twenty minutes later.

"At the apartment with Michael. I think he misses his godmother," I add.

"No one misses me,"' she replies dully. "Elliott only misses pulling my hair because its long.”

"Maybe," I joke. She doesn’t respond. "Nicola's flying in tomorrow," I add, so it won’t get quiet again.

My attempt doesn’t work, and she falls silent again for awhile.

“Why do I feel like this?” she asks suddenly, almost inaudibly.

“Because you miss him," I reply knowingly.

“I don’t like how it feels. I hate myself so much, Rae," she chokes out.

"Don’t say that. You can cry if you want to."

"I don’t want to," she immediately answers, rolling over to face the wall again. “I’m sick of crying. I hate it.”

I reach over to hold her hand wordlessly, because as her best friend, I know I’m not supposed to see the tears.

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Michael

“I already love it here,” Nicola informs me, grinning. “Are we almost there? I can’t wait to see the baby!” she gushes.

“Almost.” I can’t help but smile as we drive through the neighborhood to the apartment.

It’s nice to have family here, even though it makes me a bit homesick.

I know Rae noticed my elevated mood this morning as well.

Nicola happily chatters about our family back in Australia until we park in front of the building.

I pull her over-packed suitcase from the back of the car and drag it inside and to our apartment.

Seb is on the couch opposite Rae when I enter. They stand up to greet us.

“Seb?!” Nicola cries in surprise, while I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. She rushes over to give him a hug, planting a kiss on his lips before letting go just as quickly to hug Rae.

Rachel’s face is shocked over Nicola’s shoulder and she catches my equally bewildered gaze.

“Now where’s my little nephew?” Nicola demands in excitement, not noticing our matching expressions.

“He should be awake by now,” Rae answers, since I’m still speechlessly gaping at Seb, who’s uncomfortably avoiding my gaze. “Show her Elliott’s room, Michael,” she adds pointedly, knowingly bringing me out of my shock.

“Right,” I recover, leading my sister down the hall after Rae shoots me a look.

I push open the door to Elliott’s room, seeing him lying awake in his crib. He immediately whines to be picked up when he sees me, and I oblige, kissing his head of soft hair.

Another grin breaks Nicola’s face as she ‘awws’ and coos over him.

“Would you like to hold him?” Rae interrupts from the doorway, also smiling.

I pass Elliott over to her, and he frowns a bit, confused by the new face.

“He’s so sweet. I’m going to spoil this little ankle-biter,” she grins decisively, letting him grab her finger.

“As if he’s not spoiled enough already,” Rae rolls her eyes good-naturedly. I laugh.

Between both our sets of parents and family, our bandmates, and friends- well, I’m just glad we have more than a few people we can rely on when we need it.

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Suzie

I hate being the third wheel.

Meaning I absolutely loathe being the seventh wheel.

I grudgingly sit next to Seb at a club we’re at, wondering why I’d even bothered to come.

He dragged me along for a night of welcome for Nicola, along with Jude and his girlfriend, as well as Wes and his wife.

They’re all having a good time, getting to know Nicola, but I just want to be in bed, at home.With Mike.

“I’m getting a drink,” I announce, sliding out of the booth just to get a break from being surrounded by happy couples.

I’m not stupid; I know there’s something going on between Seb and Michael’s sister even though Nicola’s only been in town a few hours.

“Rum and Coke,” I tell the bartender tiredly.

“Coming up,” he replies, turning around to make it. He stares more than necessary when he turns around to hand me my drink. I open my mouth to tell him off, but he interrupts. “Wait, I remember you,” he says, smiling. “Suzie, right? How have you been?”

I’m lost and stare blankly until I realize he’s the guy I used to flirt free drinks off of when we came here more often a few years back.

“Great…fine, thanks,” I say, quickly throwing some cash onto the counter and leaving with my drink.

“Here,” I say, pushing the drink towards Nicola as a friendly peace offering.

So that she doesn’t think I’m a complete bitch for being a recluse and unresponsive to her attempts to talk to me.

She tries to give it back, but I reach over for my coat and purse.

“You’re leaving already?” Jude’s girlfriend, Amy, asks.

“I don’t feel well,” I half-lie to the table, ignoring their protests. I don’t know why they care.

Surely my attitude’s already sucked enough fun from the night’s atmosphere.

But being in this place reminds me of how much I hate myself, especially who I was.

The one everyone only remembers as the flirt.

The fans, gossip sites, other bands, and even my own friends.

And I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.

I won’t be her anymore.

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Rae

“You hate this, don’t you?” I ask him. We’re lying in bed with Elliott, who calmly chews on his teething ring quietly for once.

“No, I just…how did it happen? When?” he asks, frustratingly confused.

“Seb told me they met at our wedding,” I answer, smoothing down Elliott’s hair. He looks deep in thought for a few seconds. “Well, I thought it was cute,” I shrug.

“I’m just being overprotective,” he admits, picking up Elliott, who smiles and grabs his nose. “I keep thinking she’s a teenager again,” he sighs, ready to change the subject from his sister’s love life. “Any news about the record?”

“We’ll be in the studio by the end of next week with Patrick,” I say, trying not to appear as nervous about it as I actually am.

I’ve started writing again; I’ll just need to hold my breath and see if my bandmates and also Patrick approve. And then there’s Suzie, who we’re all still worried about.

But I don’t want him to know, because then all he’ll do is worry meanwhile he’s in New Zealand, on tour with his side-band for two and a half weeks.

“I’ll put him to bed,” I offer, reaching over for Elliott, who’s abandoned his teething ring and toys in favor of yawning. I take him to his room, changing his diaper and preparing him for bed.

“Goodnight, baby,” I whisper, softly kissing his head and placing him in his crib. I wait for him to close his eyes for the night and then go back to the bedroom to crawl back into bed. Michael scoots closer to me, his arms winding around my middle comfortably.

“I know you’re nervous,” he breathes against my neck. I close my eyes and sigh as he presses his face into my shoulder.

“I’m trying not to be.”

I know he’ll be back before the holidays, and it’s not even a long tour, but I already miss nights with him at the same time.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he reassures me. “You’ll do great in the studio.”

I want to believe him.