Do You Think You're Up For This?

“I'm sleeping, don't plan on checking in. I try to greet troubles with apathy. Hellos are never what they used to be. I'm heaving, help me down the drain.” – The Swellers

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I’m not how Rae was when her and Michael were separated for about six months a few years back, but I have my days.

And today is one of them.

Nothing’s going right for me.

As much as I hate to believe it, everything’s felt wrong for me since I left Chicago.…since I left Mike.

I haven’t gotten out of bed yet and it’s nearing 5 o’clock in the evening.

I’ve spent the entire day drifting in and out of sleep.

My cellphone beeps every now and again across the room from what has to be Rae and Seb’s missed calls.

They wanted to practice today, but I ditched because I’m the one that’s been ruining it anyway.

I figure I won’t be missed.

I’m only the bassist, after all.

I make myself sick with how pathetic I’m acting.

The next time I wake up, there’s someone a few feet away from my face, kneeling by the edge of the bed. I blink the sleep away from my eyes; I must be dreaming again.

“Suzie…” he says again softly, and I can feel his hand on my shoulder.

How did he get here?

“You should get up. Have you eaten anything today?”

I only shake my head in response because I’m too surprised to formulate words.

“A-alex?” I finally manage to say, just to make sure he’s actually here. He smiles slightly.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“No,” I answer, accidentally being honest.

“Come on,” he says, standing up and holding his hand out. I take it and get out of bed, still dressed in my jeans and a t-shirt from yesterday. I make sure to run a comb through my long hair and slip on some flats before he leads me out the door and down the street.

What I should be worried about is someone seeing and recognizing us, but that’s not what’s on my mind at the moment.

My numb mind is preoccupied with the soft pressure of his hand on the small of my back, and how it feels different than his touch used to.

His hand is there purely for support, nothing else.

Thankfully, we end up in a small diner a few blocks away instead of an actual restaurant.

It’s like he can read my mind.

The last thing I want right now is to draw attention to ourselves, especially when I’m this vulnerable.

I can picture the gossip sites’ ridiculously uncreative headlines already:

Cobra Starship & Paint Me Perfect Bassists Go On Dinner Date! What Will Their Bandmates Say?!

I only order some tea because I don’t feel hungry.

I’m just empty.

“You have to eat, Suze,” Alex says. I frown and shrug, and he takes the menu, ordering enough food for two regardless of what I say.

We don’t talk until our food comes.

“I broke up with him because he wanted to marry me,” I offer, before he can speak, because I know that’s what everyone wants to know anyways.

“Why?”

“I don’t know why he wants to marry me,” I answer. He gives me a look.

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

I don’t answer for a few minutes and pick at the food he ordered me.

“Because I’m tired,” I abruptly blurt out, finally looking up to meet his eyes. “I want to go back to how things used to be.”

“And that’s why you came back here,” he says, not a question.

“I guess so.” I pause to gather my thoughts. “Mike wants a family, he wants the next step, and I’m not ready for that. I can’t give him what he wants.”

“Did you ever tell him that?”

“Yeah - well…no, not directly, I guess. I don’t know, Alex. I’m so bad at this.”

I lower my eyes to my food and then realize I’m actually hungry, so I start to eat, and we fall silent for awhile.

“How come it’s so much easier to tell you things than Mike?” I ask him abruptly.

“Because you don’t want to hurt him,” he replies reasonably. “What’s so bad about getting married?” he asks. I shrug helplessly.

“Why does he want to marry me, anyway?” I ask Alex. “After- I mean…I tried…” I begin, referring to the time I’d kissed him on tour. “I don’t deserve it,” I mumble, instead. “I don’t want to marry him because I don’t deserve to even consider it.”

“Suze, you deserve everything you have. And you shouldn’t listen to anyone that tells you otherwise,” he assures me, but I still don’t believe him.

“Can we go back now?” I ask tiredly.

“Sure,” he replies, immediately asking for the bill and taking out his wallet. I start to do the same and then realize I don’t have it on me, nor do I have my house keys and cellphone.

Convenient.

“I got it,” he says, noticing and reaching over to look at it. “I would’ve gotten it anyway. My idea,” he insists, as I start to apologize for him paying.

We walk back in silence, and I’m just hoping I forgot to lock the door.

I try to turn the knob when we get there, but the door doesn’t open.

Alex pulls out a key. I look at him questioningly.

“Rae gave me her spare. She said you needed someone to check up on you.” I blush in embarrassment, but thankfully he doesn’t notice. That or he’s so considerate that he pretends not to.

“I’m tired,” I say, even though I’ve spent the entire day in bed. He follows me to my room and I immediately crawl back under the covers, where it’s safe.

“Suzie-” he starts to say worriedly, then stops. I’m confused until I realize my eyes are spilling unintentional tears onto my cheeks.

First, I’m embarrassed that I’m crying, but then I could honestly care less if he sees what a wreck I am.

He hesitates before removing his shoes and lying in bed with me, pulling me into his arms.

He lets me cry onto his shirt until I fall asleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I wake up to feel calloused fingers on my face, tucking my bangs behind my ear.

“What, Mike?” I groan. I turn away, wanting to go back to sleep and nothing else.

“I’m not Mike,” the voice says, and I turn back to see Alex looking at me.

“Sorry,” I reply, sitting up straight.

“Me too,” he says. “I wish I could stay, but I have to meet up with everyone for an interview, and then we’re catching our plane back to New York.”

“Okay,” I say, because I want him to think that I am. He slides his shoes back on and stands up. I decide I should get out of bed, too.

“Goodbye,” he says, pulling me into a brief hug. “Call me if you want to talk.” I nod, and he starts to walk away.

“Alex?” I say. He turns to me with a curious look in his eyes. “Thank you.”

“No probl-”

I compulsively grab his collar to bring his lips to mine for the final time.

I just need to know that it doesn’t mean anything; that I really am over him.

“Suze-” he groans in protest.

“That was the last one,” I say. “I promise.”

“We’re only friends,” he says.

“Just friends,” I agree, and for the first time I legitimately mean it.

“Good. Call me if you need anything else.”

“Okay.”

He smiles faintly, hugs me again, and leaves; I retreat to my bed.

When he’s out the door- that’s when I realize I have no one.

It’s when I realize how much I miss him.