Sinister Smile With a Hole in My Heart

Kate’s hands shook as she pulled into the Barakat driveway. Actually that was a lie, her whole body was shaking. Fear.
Today was going to be the day. The day that she told Jack the whole truth. Not another manipulation or snippet of it. Putting it off, or procrastinating had made her feel much better at the time however now she was more anxious then ever since she’d left it until now. She saw both Jill and Jack’s cars in the driveway, but not Jane’s and she took a deep breath.
It didn’t calm her, not like she needed so she did something that she only did when she was extremely pressed. Kate unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over the console reaching for the glove box. Pulling out the white and gold box she slipped out one of the fifteen white sticks, tubes, or whatever you would like to call them. Looking both ways, Kate carefully pulled out of the driveway and slowly inched forward parking on the street in front of the neighbor’s house not wanting to disrespect the Barakat property.
Placing the cigarette into her mouth she pressed in the car lighter and tapped her foot impatiently waiting for it to pop right back out. When it did, she eagerly plucked it out of the outlet and brought it to the tip of her cigarette eagerly. Taking in a deep inhale of smoke she closed her eyes holding it for five seconds and bringing her hand away from her mouth and resting against the window. Letting the smoke seep out, she missed the usual nicotine buzz she would get from smoking a long awaited butt. However since she’d started her other habit’s that hadn’t happened.
Lost in the action of inhaling and exhaling trying to completely clear her head, the cigarette was down to the filter before she knew it. Throwing the filter out of the window and sighing she had nothing to procrastinate now. Instead of pulling back into the driveway, Kate just got out of the car and trudged her way up the driveway before she could change her mind. Still shaking she rang the doorbell, but made an internal pact with herself. If no one answered in three seconds she was allowed to turn around and go back to her car.
One-Mississippi Nothing.
Two-Mississippi No one in sight but possible footsteps being heard.
Three-Mississippi Still nothing, ok time to go.
Kate began to book it when she heard the door open and Jack’s voice calling out to her, “Kate?”
Stopping dead in her tracks, Kate turned around, “hey?”
“Are you running from the house?” Jack asked and confusion was evident in his face.
“No I…”
Stop the lying, she commanded herself.
“Yes,” she said bluntly, “I was.”
“Ok. Why…?”
“Can we go inside and talk?” Kate’s stomach was doing flips, in a bad way and she could feel her heartbeat accelerate the fear in Jack’s eyes only intensified it, and she was beginning to feel vomit rise among everything else.
Jack opened the door, holding it for Kate as she slowly shuffled up behind him, walking past him into the foyer trying to focus on just breathing. As Jack walked in and went to shut the door Jill breezed past him walking outside.
“Hi Kate. Bye Kate. Bye Jack,” she called over her shoulder.
“WAIT!” Jack spoke out to her, “Where are you going?” he asked curiously as Jill quickly turned around to respond to him, “date with Will, then picking Drew up!”
Long after Jill had gone and left, and the scent of her perfume no longer lingered lightly around the room, Kate and Jack still hadn’t talked. They sat together in Jack’s room, he in the computer chair and she sat facing away from him on the edge of the end of the bed.
They sat in silence, in thought. Kate was trying to work up her courage, and Jack couldn’t think of anything but the fact that his mother could get home at anytime, and he hoped this conversation would be finished before she walked through the door.
“I’ve been…I’ve been lying.” Kate finally started and Jack noticed she was shaking, sitting upright, eyes wide he waited for more silently.
“I know you thought I had an eating disorder and I let you think that because it was easier. And in actuality I wish that I did have an eating disorder, I mean it would be a helluva lot cheaper.” Kate let out a hard laugh filled with spite and utterly humorless.
“I don’t understand,” Jack spoke for the first time.
Kate searched and wracked her brain for a way to explain this to Jack. How did someone come out and tell another that they liked to get as high as a kite.
“I have a problem,” she bit her lip softly and was happy that she was facing away from him yet she could feel his eyes boring into her, “with drugs.”
Whatever Jack Barakat thought that she was going to say it wasn’t drugs, even though now that he knew the truth, it was logical and he couldn’t believe he see before. Kate waited for a response; however Jack was rendered speechless for the moment so she continued. “It started with cocaine and when that got too expensive, I went on to anything I can…use….”
“Like my mom’s pain pills.” Jack’s voice was shaky yet had a sudden realization to it. Turning for the first time, she saw Jack now sitting on the edge of the computer chair, slumped forward, an elbow on each knee, and his head in his hands.
Immediately looking down and embarrassed, Kate put her head down. Her silence was confirmation enough.
Although she was afraid of his verbal reaction, after full minutes of nothing Kate was practically mentally begging Jack to say something, anything.
“Jack…” Kate finally started staring at the boy, when he lifted his head she felt her heart break into a million tiny shards. His eyes were red around the rims looking like he was about to burst into tears, however it was the look he was giving her that killed her.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” towards the end of his question his voice broke and Kate felt more ashamed then she could ever remember being. The boy she loved, who she never wanted to see hurt, and here he was breaking in front of her, because of her. “I would have helped you,” Jack continued, “I would have done anything for you.” he was full on crying now, and once again cradled his face into his hands.
Kate wasn’t sure what he meant by that, if he meant that they were really truly done. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he did; she’d betrayed his trust and hurt him. It was only once she brought her hand to her face that she realized she was crying. Her eyes pouring tears and her eye make up leaking down her cheeks.
“Yell at me,” she pleaded, “Tell me you hate me, tell me to go to hell,” Kate’s voice broke now as well and Jack made an audible cry breathing in heavily. She wanted him to verbally crack her. It would make her feel at least a little bit better then she did now.
Each of them continued to sob, and if anyone had walked it neither would know what was going on. Two young adults sitting that were just across the room from each other coming undone.
“I’m so-s-so-sorry,” was all Kate could manage to say.
Jack hated seeing Kate cry as well. He knew that she had a problem, that she needed him. But nevertheless, he could not bring himself to go over to her. He felt hurt, angry, betrayed and frustrated. The only thought that was coming to his head was, Kate, my Kate. In trouble. She’s hurting. I love her it was like it was on repeat in his head. Slowly though a creeping voice in the back of his mind became audible, She lied. She stole, from your mother , your flesh and blood.
“I-I don’t know what to say,” Jack finally admitted when he had calmed a bit, wiping with the butts of his hands and noisily sniffling and wiping the bottom of his nose. He waited for a response from to come from the girl’s lips but nothing. He wanted to plead with her to say something, say anything but considering he had nothing to say, he couldn’t force her to come forthright.
Startling each of them, the front door downstairs shut loudly and they heard Jane Barakat call up the stairs, “JACK! I’m home! Can you come help with the groceries?”
With Jane’s voice Kate’s heart skipped a beat and she felt remorse rocking her core. Jane had always been good to her, and she loved her like a mother. Now she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to face her.
“I should go,” Kate scrambled getting up, completely discombobulated. Running her hands through her long hair and looking around for her cell phone.
“Jack?!” Jane called again and finally Jack called back, “Coming.” he sounded short, and Kate knew that it was more directed at her then his mother as he stood to leave the room. Kate searched Jack’s face waiting for his deep, dark brown eyes to meet her own light colored ones. However that never happened, in fact he was making it extremely obvious that he is trying to look everything but there.
Unable to cope, Kate gave up on finding her phone and bolted faster then she ever had. Running from Jack, from the truth, from everything. Rounding her way down the stairs straight into the foyer and towards the front door. She almost collided with Jane who was walking in with bags, but luckily Jane maneuvered to the left just missing Kate.
Kate could hear Jane call out her name, but ignored it, stumbling into the driver’s seat of the car instantly starting it and speeding off. She knew where she was going.
She was going to get completely obliterated.
++++

“I think I messed up. When I was talking to Zack, y’know about me and Michelle, I don’t think that he knew. He looked shocked, and he asked ‘you and Michelle’. Sure, he tried to cover up and blew it off after but I don’t know. He’s just one of my oldest friends and I could just read though him…What do you think?” Alex turned to Drew sitting in his new Jolly Jumper now placed in front of the couch Alex was sitting on in his living room watching him sit and suck on a pacifier. “Do you think Daddy’s an asshole?” he asked and Drew just stared back into his eyes before his calm and serene face turned red and started to distort, Alex knew what was coming next. Getting up he instantly picked up his son and went over to the diaper bag pulling out a diaper as the wails started, “Guess I got my answer,” the father chuckled to himself.
As soon he took the soiled diaper off the baby, he calmed but the door opened signaling someone entering the apartment.
Everyone knew that the door was always open, and everyone that personally knew that was always welcome, so Alex wasn’t worried. “Hello?” he called out to whoever had come over.
“It’s just me Al,” he heard Rian’s voice call out as he heard the familiar squish of the couch signaling that Rian had sat down. He was surprised that it was he, of all his friends. Rian had been acting very odd towards Alex since before the tour, and not spending much time with him at all.
“Be out in a minute,” he called out as he safely secure the new fresh diaper upon Drew’s small body softly ticking his stomach. Alex couldn’t contain his own huge grin as Drew gurgled with a giant gummy smile.
Buttoning the bottom of the baby’s onesie, and putting the matching pants back on over them, he scooped him up and carried him out using only one arm as Drew laid his head lightly on Alex’s shoulder peacefully sucking on his pacifier with his hands playing with the pacifier’s tassel.
“Hey man,” Alex happily greeted his friend attempting to put Drew back into the Jolly Jumper, however when he leaned down, Drew tightly gripped upon to Alex’s shirt. Realizing that he was quite comfortable he kept the baby resting against his chest and sat beside Rian leaning back on the couch.
“Hi,” Rian responded somewhat cold and oddly to Alex before sending a small smile towards Drew watching him with his big brown eyes that matched Alex’s like a carbon copy.
Alex crinkled his brow at Rian’s tone before he opened up to speak, “What’s…up?”
“Watching Drew huh?” Rian asked nodding towards him with his head.
“Yeah…” Alex trailed off waiting for more.
“That’s nice of you to do for Jill, especially since you two weren’t really talking only a couple months ago.” Rian’s tone had an implication to it that Alex couldn’t quite place his finger on.
Carefully treading the water with his response he paused before replying, “Well that was a bad call on my part.”
“How come?” Rian questioned, his eyes seeming to burn a hole in Alex and he had no idea why he was being attacked.
“I don- It’s a long story Ri, what is your problem,” he asked his voice just above a whisper because Drew had fallen asleep and was now softly breathing in and out.
“How can you just play it like this?!” Rian exclaimed exasperated although he too kept his voice at a whisper.
Sudden realization came upon the boy, Rian knew. He didn’t know how he knew and he didn’t dare ask, instead he stayed silent.
“Alex, I just don’t know how you could have fucked up so much, I mean getting Jill pregnant. Jill! Jack’s baby sister, you know Jack. Our best friend-,”
“I know Rian, I know alright! I know I messed up and I’m trying to fix things now!”
If the conversation hadn’t been so tense, either of the boys might find it comical, a screaming match at a decibel no louder then hushed tones.
“How could you two keep this from everyone, what about him, what about when he gets old enough to comprehend things around him? Will you tell him the truth, I mean god! You’ve got EVERYONE thinking his father is a dead man!”
“Get out Rian,” Alex stated the first line at a loud decibel startling Drew who began to cry, and Alex stood up rocking and bouncing him, while soothingly rubbing his back. Rian without a word stood up and left the apartment without another word.
“It’s ok, shh shh shh, it’s all ok,” Alex cooed and he hoped that the words he spoke were true.