Silence You Lost Me

After all this time, you’d think I’d see. I mean, hell, it’s been one insane life of mine, really. After all these men you’d think I’d come to terms with the knowledge that they’re all dicks.

Of course I wouldn’t. Simply because I’m dumb. Always have been.

My shoulders slumped as I leaned against the cool brick wall. Stifling a sob, I let my hair fall in my face.

Someone near me was walking, their steps unsteady. They were staggering nearer. My breath caught in my throat as a tall man neared me. His eyes were a bright green and hair dirty blonde. His laughter was loud and a bottle of water was held in his hand. Apparently he was trying to sober up.

“Hey,” he slurred, stumbling over to me. I stood; pretending like my knees weren’t shaking. “You, you’re pretty. How much?”

“Excuse me?” I snapped.

It was then he reached in his pocket for his wallet. “I’ve got a 50, how ‘bout it?”

My lip quivered and I bit it. No, not now. This is not the time to break down. “Get the fuck out of here.” I sounded so damn pathetic while I held in my sobs.

“Aw, it’s alright, I’ll make things so much better for you.” his hands were on either side of me. I glared at him. “Hey, don’t give me that look, bitch.” He pulled his arm back then splashed the water all over me. I was drenched. “Cool down.”

My heart pounded. I could smell his skin. His palms were sweating. He reeked of vomit and too much alcohol. His eyes were glazed, hair greasy, and I could hear his breathing.

I suddenly wished to make it stop.

One last tear fell from my eye, onto the black cement. One last breath was taken before I head-butted him. His large form fell hard and I went at him, raging my fists over his face. The anger inside of me from earlier was released. I didn’t stop hitting him. Blood covered my knuckles and left my skin feeling warm.

And just as soon as this began, it ended. Someone had me by the collar of Brian’s jacket. I assumed the worst; it must be some biker guy, some muscled freak.

But when I breathed in the scent of my best friend, my mind relaxed.

“Zacky.” I cooed, falling into his arms.

He didn’t say a word, just once glance at the soul I’d beaten bloody, and I was in his arms being carried inside. Not a single word.

I was shivering, chills covered my body. All I wanted was a warm shower. The guy’s blood was dried on my hands; the cool night air hardened it so every movement it pulled at my skin.

The halls were chipping, so I’d noticed while he carried me down. There was loud screaming and then a door being slammed.

“Fuck, get her. Get her. Gates! Fucking find her!” it was Jimmy and when I turned my head, I watched him nearly run into us. “I found her! I found her!”

“What the hell happened?” Zacky’s voice was dull.

Jimmy breathed, taking me from Zacky. “Matt’s pissed, taking it out on everyone. He and Brian nearly fucking killed each other, it’s time to go.”

Jimmy’s hands were warm. His whole body was warm, like he was constantly set ablaze by a fire raging inside of him. I kept myself focused on him. Not the way Zacky protested against taking me back outside, not the way the cold felt against my wet skin, not the look of blood on the ground where I beat that guy, and surely not the way Brian started at me with regret in his eyes.

You know one of the worst feelings? Knowing a friend was hurt because of you. I was staring at Brian; his face has a scratch on it now. It won’t stop bleeding. You know, I never meant for this to happen.

Just then Zacky rushed on the bus. “Guys, hurry, get outa here. We’re leaving but Matt’s coming on.” Johnny entered looking angry and tired.

“Where the fuck do we go now?” Brian mumbled, standing and running a hand through his spiked hair.

Johnny sighed, “Get in the bunkroom. I’ll be there when he’s done being a dick.”

I looked up fearfully at Jimmy. “What, toots?” he asked, standing up to follow Brian. I shook my head hard, closing my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

My voice wouldn’t work. I couldn’t speak. My throat burned as if someone poured acid down it. “No.” was all I managed to utter.

Unfortunately Matt was entering as we spoke. I got up, meeting eyes with him. Anger flashed at me again. What had I really done to deserve this? My hand was soon grabbed by Jimmy and I was placed in the bunk room. Brian sat me on some bed and I fell against it after taking his wet jacket off, feeling the messed up covers with my back. I sat up. The last time I was in here, everything was fine; Matt and I were fucking and I felt like I belonged somewhere. Sighing, I sat on the ground, leaning my back against the bed frame. The bus pulled out.

Jimmy saw my distress. “You need to speak if you want us to help you.”

Do I want help?

Clearing my throat, I tried to begin but couldn’t.

Brian sighed, “It’s alright.” His head fell in his hands.

Jimmy wouldn’t take his eyes off me. It was creepy at first but now I feel he’s just trying to figure me out.

“Once you figure me out, please let me know. I’m still confused on myself.” I commented.

Jimmy smirked, “Sorry, now care to tell what’s wrong with your bed?”

I suppose I should tell him, “We fucked on this bed last time I was here.”

Brian’s head snapped up and he took me in again, biting the inside of his cheek.

Why can’t he look at me normally? Why can’t he tell me that it’s all going to be alright? He wouldn’t speak now. Jimmy asked him questions and he gave up, pretending to not hear him.

The yelling continued near us and then I heard a giggle then a name. The dancers were still here. Great. The door opened and in walked my best friends. Mila, Adalyn and Leana came to hug.

“We'll be outside if you need us.” Jimmy spoke up.

So I sat with my girls now, feeling better. I filled them in on the events they’d missed from working the merch booth, but I couldn't tell them everything.

“I can’t believe you beat the shit out of her.” Mila giggled.

“Are they going to stay with us?” I held my breath for the answer.

Adalyn spoke, “No. Johnny told them he didn’t feel comfortable with them here.”

“-Which was a cover for you, by the way.” Leana smirked.

"And where's Lacey?" I asked.

"Out there with her boytoy." Leana giggled cutely.

I love my friends. “So how do you girls like being here?” My question was directed at the noobies on tour. Leana leaned back and smirked at me.

They rambled about how they hadn’t imagined their lives being like this and how they didn’t expect to meet Avenged Sevenfold. They loved working with the fans at the merch booth and meeting new people. Their joys sent jealousy through me. Why couldn’t I have been like them and not gotten involved in a guy?

Johnny opened the door, peaking in and nodding at us. “Hey, can I talk to you?” Nodding I followed him out the door. He pulled me into the bathroom and locked the door. “Alright. Spill.” I laughed at his bluntness. “Come on, I’m glad you’re smiling but I know you’re covering.”

“Can I…” I paused, “can I take a shower?”

“Of course.”

“Stay with me.”

“What?” When I didn’t speak he nodded. “I’ll be right here.”

I turned; dropping my bottoms and having him unclip the top then turn as I completely undressed and stepped into the warm shower.

Johnny talked to me while I was in the shower. He told me about the fans in the crowd that night. He spoke of the dancing, the good points of tonight but never anything else. “Johnny?”

“Yeah?” his voice sounded muffled between the running water.

“Where is everyone else?”

I heard the door open then close again, “Everyone’s in there but Matt’s apparently taking the girls back.”

My heart dropped and I finished running the water. I asked for a towel which was handed to me. I wrapped it around myself and dried quickly, asking Johnny for his shirt which he quickly took off.

“I’ll be back.”

“I’m coming too.” He followed me out of the bathroom and down off the bus. No panties or pants on made me feel like a whore but I had no time. Brushing my hair with my fingertips I made my way into the strip club to find that whore with her tongue down Matt’s throat again.

Alexis smiled weakly at me. I hugged her tightly and told her how wonderful it was to work with her. The others were already changing. Matt moaned loudly beside me, obviously ready to start something.

Glancing at Johnny gave me courage and I inhaled deeply before poking Matt. He broke the kiss with Tiff. I smiled sweetly at him the pulled his collar to me. My lips met his in a passionate kiss, our tongues lapping together. I reached and grabbed his hard-on then pulled back, raising the same hand to slap him across the face. His cheeks burned in embarrassment and anger hit his features.

I grabbed Johnny’s arm, hands caressing across his naked chest, and we bolted back outside. Upon entering the bus, Johnny busted out laughing.

“What happened?” Lacey called. “Zack? You better get in here!”

He rushed in as did Mila and Adalyn followed by Brian.

“Oh fuck, what?” Zacky breathed nervously.

“She-she fuckin’.” Johnny held his sides, face red from laughter.

“Shit, spit it out, short bitch.” Brian slapped his back causing Johnny to shoot up in pain.

“She fucking slapped Matt.”

“What? Why?” Jimmy chuckled.

“Making out with that whore again.” I shrugged, answering bluntly. I finally was feeling better. Of course I would; I just hit someone.

Brian smirked, wrapping his arms around me.

Heavy footfalls made their way to the bus and Matt stood with a red handprint on his cheek. He looked at Brian’s arms around me which left shortly after Matt had seen. The lead singer stood dangerously close to me.

“If you EVER do that again…” his voice dripped venom.

“What? Why? Did it embarrass you?” I taunted. “The mighty M. Shadows getting hit by a pussy female? Oh, dear, what will the paparazzi think?”

And as quickly as my comeback came so did his hand. Right across my face. A loud slap snapped me back to reality. I could feel my shell closing around me again. Oh back to the safety of my closing walls.

“Shit…” Jimmy muttered, hands instantly taking hold of me. As he led me back to the closure of the bunkroom, I caught a glimpse of Mila and Adalyn’s faces. They sat down, looking upset and knowing there was too much they didn’t know. They couldn’t help me now. It’s a sad moment when those who used to be there were much too far out of the loop to even know how to get back in.

Jimmy held me in his arms on the bed. His embrace calmed me but I didn’t come out of my sheltered mind yet. My cheek burned.

“What the fuck!?” Zacky screamed. My heart stopped. “Why the fuck would you do that!?” Silence on Matt’s part. “Alright, listen! I have dealt with your shit for months now! You are so fucking cranky, you know that? Then Val left you. Smart on her part actually. After that, you were unbearable! Finally we go out and have a good night, things get weird and I meet my old best friend. I forgive her finally and she’s crying because some asshole beat the shit out of her. You want her but then you’re pissed because Gates is actually acting like a caring guy. For weeks you ragged on him about how he’s so selfish and now that he’s thinking of another human being, you’re pissed. What the fuck do you want!?” I imagined Zacky’s face turning red, as it always used to when he was angry. He has this little vein that protrudes on his neck too. So attractive, right? “I can’t take this anymore. I’m not going to sit back and let it happen. You want to fuck my best friend? I was fine with it, just don’t hurt her. You turn around and what do you do? Sure, she made out with Brian but only after you made out with some other chick. Fuck, man, I can’t stand you! You’re such a fucking asshole. How can we accommodate to you? That’s always what you want. So fucking self-centered. Please, just stop. I could handle your angry venting but now you slap my best friend? Fuck. No.”

“Shut up.” Matt mumbled.

“What?”

“I said shut up!” something crashed, fell to the ground.

My mind flashed back to Frank, pushing me, knocking down vases; glass breaking to the floor and sticking in my knees. Blood, lots of blood. And pain. The way my salty tears tasted through bleeding gums.

“Shh, it’s alright.” Jimmy began rocking me back and forth. His humming filled my ears. “The moments die, I hear no screaming. The visions left inside me are slowly fading. Would she hear me if I called her name? Would she hold me if she knew my shame?”

More crashing. Brian and Johnny yelling. Grunts. Pain. Punches. The bus was moving. My head was spinning. Tears dripped from my cheeks and I couldn’t help but think that my damn mother was right; I shouldn’t be here. She knew I’d cause drama. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be breathing.

“J-jimmy, you better get in here.”

“Not now.” Jimmy snapped, continuing his song. “There's always something different going wrong. The path I walk is in the wrong direction. There's always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better?”

There was a pause. “Jimmy!” Johnny screamed.

“Alright!” was his retort. He apologized and went back out after setting me down.

I nodded though he wasn’t with me still. I pretended there wasn’t screaming in the room over. I pretended I couldn’t smell the blood in the air. I pretended I couldn’t hear Johnny and Jimmy and Brian holding back Zacky and Matt. I pretended I didn’t feel like a whore sitting here in a man’s shirt and no panties or bra. But mostly I pretended that I didn’t feel this way anymore.

Standing on shaky legs, I stumbled to the full-length mirror, and lifted Johnny’s shirt lightly. The bruises were fading but not nearly enough. I am so ugly.

“Trinity?” I dropped the shirt, covering my hideousness again and turning to Brian. His arm was draped over Adalyn’s shoulder. She was blushing. I think. “Are you alright?” I looked down at the carpet. “Hey, can you give us a minute?” she nodded and left. Brian came over to me. “What’s wrong?”

It took me a moment but I raised the shirt enough for him to see the bruising up my legs and on my hips, revealing my nakedness as well. He breathed, “I’m hideous.” I sobbed, falling into him and releasing the shirt.

I felt him pull me tightly. “It’s alright. You’re not. Never say that again.” He snapped, lifting my chin with his finger. “Look at me.” I did. “You’re beautiful.” And just like that I was kissing him. I needed someone, anyone. I just needed to feel accepted; loved, even if it wasn’t really love I could just do what I’d been doing nearly all night: pretend.

He pulled me to the bed and kissed me lovingly.

“Hey, Brian-” Adalyn’s soft voice stopped. I jumped slightly, nervous. She stared at me with hurtful eyes then nodded, “sorry.” And she turned to leave us alone.

Brian stood straight, fixing his wrinkled shirt. Zacky skidded to our door, blood dripping still. He wiped it away with the towel in his hands.

“Little bastard won’t stop bleeding.” He mumbled. He smelled like rubbing alcohol and I could hear by Matt’s winces of pain that Jimmy was cleaning the wounds of the fight. “So, are you alright?”

“Is everyone gonna keep asking me that?” I asked, watching Brian leave, not speaking a word to me.

Zacky laughed, “Probably.” He sat beside me on the bed.

“Hey ya’ll, I’m going to bed. No sex tonight.” Johnny called.

We gave him a look that read ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ and he climbed into his bunk.

“I’m exhausted. Let’s sleep.” Zacky pulled off his jeans and shirt, now standing in boxers. Grabbing a pair of panties, I slid them on then lie down, quietly thanking Johnny for the shirt. Zacky climbed in beside me, like he did when we were younger. Things were still hard back then but we only cared that we had each other as friends. He placed his arm around me and held me, breathing softly. “This battered room I've seen before, the broken bones they heal no more. With my last breath I'm choking. Will this ever end? I'm hoping. My world is over one more time.” he sang as he always did. I realized it was the song Jimmy was singing. They were really close; they all were. It was a tightly woven friendship; one I wished to get in. “There's always something different going wrong. The path I walk is in the wrong direction. There's always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better?” But do I really want that? Everywhere I go, there’s drama. Exhibit A: the situation tonight. Why would anyone want to dare let me in? “Your tears don't fall, they crash around me. Her conscious calls, the guilty to come home.” his voice was beginning to sound groggy.

“Your tears don't fall, they crash around me. Her conscious calls, the guilty to come home.” I sang softly with him as Jimmy climbed into bed. Matt was in bed already and we finally silenced ourselves. Silence: what I was used to.

“Goodnight. Everything will be better in the morning.” Zacky mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

“Yeah…sure…whatever you say…best friend.” I whispered, wiping a tear.

After a few minutes, snoring was heard and I released myself from Zacky’s death grip, not waking him, and walked into the kitchen area. Brian sat with Adalyn on the couch. Adalyn was gazing downwards the entire time, looking pitiful. Brian had his hand on her shoulder. I went for the Jack Daniels, not caring that someone was in here. Before I picked the bottle up, Brian spoke. But not to me.

“Adalyn, what’s wrong? You need to tell me.”

“Nothing.” She kissed his cheek, “goodnight.” She walked past me, cheeks blushing. It hit me: she may like him.

I wondered what was wrong with Brian. He stood, walking towards me but looking at the alcohol. Why won’t he look at me? I wanted to talk to him but when he met eyes with me, breath left me and I lost courage to ask what he was feeling.

As soon as I looked at him, I knew what it was.

Regret. It was plastered all over his skin.