When It All Fell Apart

Fuck. Seriously, again?

I promised myself I was done falling for Cameron. I vowed never to cross the line between strictly brotherly love again, and look where that gets me? Right back where I fucking started, that's where.

I'd love to blame it all on him. I imagined myself running back into the room after I had left and screaming at him. I could picture the look on his face as I yelled profanities to his face, demanding that he stop making me feel this way. But I couldn't. Even if I really wanted to do so, at the same time I could imagine myself running back into my room and kissing him full on the lips.

In fact, that's what I wanted.

My heart beat faster in yearning at the very thought, and I could feel myself getting slightly nauseous. So much for getting something to eat. I stood in the hallway upstairs for a few seconds, pondering my few options. I could stand here, dumbstruck, like a complete moron, I could go downstairs and facethe bitch my mom, or I could go back into my room where Cameron was. I would have to talk to him eventually, right?

Sighing heavily, I proceeded to walk the few steps that it took to bring me back to my room. I paused in the doorway, secretly peering at Cameron. He had his back turned to me, and he was clutching something - I couldn't tell what - in his hands. I saw an open bag at his feet and I assumed that he had already begun packing my stuff up. Then I realized just which bag that was. I hid everything I wrote in there. My pulse raced faster as Cameron slowly turned. My suspicions were confirmed immediately. He was holding my writing in his hands.

This was it. This was everything I hoped wouldn't happen, a complete nightmare- and lucky me, it was coming true. I held my breath as he spotted me awkwardly peering through the doorway. I let out a nervous laugh and contemplated making a run for it before he could address me. Instead, I stood frozen to the spot as Cameron moved closer to me. He hastily pulled me into the room and closed the door behind me.

"Before you say anything, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have read your um... journal... entry." He said awkwardly. His eyes would not meet mine for even a split-second and I felt bad about that. I could not think of anything to say to him, so I kept my mouth closed.

"How long ago did you write it?" He whispered. His voice was so low that it was nearly undetectable, but I managed to hear it. It was silent for a while. I shrugged. It depended on which entry he was talking about, but I wasn't about to tell him that there was more than one.

"W-what exactly did you read?" I finally croaked, my voice coming out hoarse.

"Uhm... there was a poem-" Before Cameron could continue, I brought my hand up to my face in embarrassment. Out of all the things I wrote, he finds that one?

"You didn't see it." I stated suddenly, my voice firm. Cameron looked terribly confused.

"Wh-"

"You. Did. Not. Read. That." I repeated it slowly, making sure I got my point across. I felt as if I was trapped. There was no way I could successfully get myself out of this situation. The only way to make this slightly better was to force Cameron into promising he would pretend he'd never read that piece of paper.

"But I did, Colton. I don't care how long ago you wrote that. Whether it was a year or a day, you still felt the same about me at one point. I don't care if you're against it or not, but when you decided we couldn't be together, I never stopped loving you." He said quietly. I could tell he was holding back tears. It was in his voice. It was in his deep cerulean eyes. Every word he had just spoken to me held the blatant truth. He had just single-handedly ripped down the thin walls I had feebly built around my heart. I wasn't sure why, and I wasn't sure how, but he did. And I was so grateful.

Because for the first time in a long time, I felt something. It wasn't just a spark of emotion, but it was a flood. An unexplainable sense came crashing into me like a monster tsunami. I couldn't suppress this. No amount of effort or harsh words could pull me out of this odd feeling of euphoria. For a few seconds, everything seemed perfectly alright. Every action I considered was morally correct. Everything I wanted didn't need to be hidden away. So I simply gave in.

I forcefully pulled Cameron's face to mine. Our foreheads were pressed uncomfortably together and our noses touched at a strange angle, but none of this mattered. The only thing that my mind was capable of focusing on was the fact that I was once again kissing my brother. His lips moved effortlessly against mine, like we were meant to be doing this. How ironic. I smiled ruefully into the kiss. All of my moral values were slowly being shoved to the back of my mind. I imagined I was setting my entire mind on fire, because that's exactly what it felt like. My body seemed to be completely ablaze- doused in flames.

I ignored the dry feeling in my throat to nip hungrily at Cameron's bottom lip. He smirked against me and pulled away for a breath, panting. It was only about two seconds before he dived for my mouth again. My arms ended up snaking their way greedily around his neck, and I played with a few of the inky strands of baby hair at the back of his head. He ran his tongue lightly across my bottom lip and I granted him access without hesitation. He slipped his tongue boldly into my mouth; feeling, exploring every crevasse and cavern. Cameron's long, thin fingers caressed my flesh; moving from my upper back to my waist in record time. He lifted the bottom hem of my shirt and traced gentle, soothing circles into every inch of exposed skin there.

We broke apart again, and this time both of us were gasping for breaths of air. Cameron let out a breathless giggle after a minute of silence. A timid smile blossomed on my face. Despite what we had just done, I was happy. No, that's an understatement. I was elated.

"I think... I love you." I found myself saying. And In every sense of the word, I meant it, I really did.