This Is Not About Vampires
I Hate Roll Call, Surveys, Breakfast Themed Jewelry and the Teachers Who Wear it
Today was not going to be a good day. In homeroom Mrs. Graminsky called role. When she got to Cathy, there was no answer.
“Cathy?” the teacher called “Cathy?!”
No! Cathy is not here, so shut up.
“Cathy? Are you here?!” She continued, scanning the room, her ridiculous waffle earrings swinging back and forth.
Um, she’s obviously not here, so stop calling her name and just mark her absent.
“Class? Has anyone seen Cathy?”
I’ve got to end this. I raised my hand.
“Tyler, have you seen Cathy?”
I swear if she says Cathy one more time… I hear her annoying laugh every time she’s mentioned.
“Yeah, I saw Cathy walking to school today, but she got hit by an SUV.”
“Well that does give her a legitimate reason to be late. Do you know if she’s alright?”
Mrs. Graminsky was a joke.
“No, I just kept walking. I didn’t want to be late to school.”
“I see, well, that is a legitimate reason not to help her. Education is the most important thing. I’m sure someone phoned for an ambulance shortly after you left.”
She could be still laying in the middle of the road for all I cared.
“We have a survey today!” Mrs. Graminsky called exuberantly, suddenly shifting gears. “Now, I’m curious to know how many kids have been eating breakfast. So if you had breakfast this morning, please raise your hand!”
I forgot to mention. Mrs. Graminsky is obsessed with breakfast (if you couldn’t tell by her breakfast themed jewelry). She’s convinced it can prevent any disease, get you perfect grades, and offset death for several hundred years. I’ve offset death for several years, and let me tell you, I have never once eaten breakfast.
I was one of the few kids who did not raise their hands. Even if I did have breakfast, I still probably would not have raised my hand. If I raise my hand, I have to exert effort. And it symbolized that I might actually value what is going on. I don’t value what is going on. I go to school to be normal, not to participate in surveys or solve math problems in front of people. Most of my teachers realized this and have since given up. I mean, I do my homework and I get good grades, so they don’t really care what I do in their class.
“Tyler! You don’t eat breakfast?!” Mrs. Graminskiy asked in shock. As if breakfast was as important as breathing. Eh, I don’t have to breathe, so it isn’t that important to me either, so I guess that was a bad example.
“No, I don’t eat breakfast. And even if I did I wouldn’t raise my hand.”
She ignored my defiance and pressed on with the more important issue of why I’m not getting morning nourishment.
“Why aren’t you getting morning nourishment?” She pressed on.
“Because my stomach doesn’t function… none of my organs do.”
“None?!”
“Well, my brain, but that’s about it.”
“I think you should go to the nurse if that’s the case.”
She put her hand on my forehead and quickly drew it back in surprise.
“You’re freezing.”
“You’re covered in breakfast themed clothing,” I snapped, I didn’t like being touched.
“Oh dear! You’re so cold and irritable and your organs have shut down! All of this could have been avoided by having a nice breakfast!”
“Sure, that’s it…”
It was sometimes better to agree with crazy people so they didn’t force feed you bagels and pancakes and other things you couldn’t digest on account of stagnant organs.
“To the nurse!” She exclaimed, pointing out the door, “and you better come to homeroom with a full stomach tomorrow!”
“It will be full of your blood.” I calmly stated as I walked out, happy to get away from that crazy, breakfast obsessed woman.
“Cathy?” the teacher called “Cathy?!”
No! Cathy is not here, so shut up.
“Cathy? Are you here?!” She continued, scanning the room, her ridiculous waffle earrings swinging back and forth.
Um, she’s obviously not here, so stop calling her name and just mark her absent.
“Class? Has anyone seen Cathy?”
I’ve got to end this. I raised my hand.
“Tyler, have you seen Cathy?”
I swear if she says Cathy one more time… I hear her annoying laugh every time she’s mentioned.
“Yeah, I saw Cathy walking to school today, but she got hit by an SUV.”
“Well that does give her a legitimate reason to be late. Do you know if she’s alright?”
Mrs. Graminsky was a joke.
“No, I just kept walking. I didn’t want to be late to school.”
“I see, well, that is a legitimate reason not to help her. Education is the most important thing. I’m sure someone phoned for an ambulance shortly after you left.”
She could be still laying in the middle of the road for all I cared.
“We have a survey today!” Mrs. Graminsky called exuberantly, suddenly shifting gears. “Now, I’m curious to know how many kids have been eating breakfast. So if you had breakfast this morning, please raise your hand!”
I forgot to mention. Mrs. Graminsky is obsessed with breakfast (if you couldn’t tell by her breakfast themed jewelry). She’s convinced it can prevent any disease, get you perfect grades, and offset death for several hundred years. I’ve offset death for several years, and let me tell you, I have never once eaten breakfast.
I was one of the few kids who did not raise their hands. Even if I did have breakfast, I still probably would not have raised my hand. If I raise my hand, I have to exert effort. And it symbolized that I might actually value what is going on. I don’t value what is going on. I go to school to be normal, not to participate in surveys or solve math problems in front of people. Most of my teachers realized this and have since given up. I mean, I do my homework and I get good grades, so they don’t really care what I do in their class.
“Tyler! You don’t eat breakfast?!” Mrs. Graminskiy asked in shock. As if breakfast was as important as breathing. Eh, I don’t have to breathe, so it isn’t that important to me either, so I guess that was a bad example.
“No, I don’t eat breakfast. And even if I did I wouldn’t raise my hand.”
She ignored my defiance and pressed on with the more important issue of why I’m not getting morning nourishment.
“Why aren’t you getting morning nourishment?” She pressed on.
“Because my stomach doesn’t function… none of my organs do.”
“None?!”
“Well, my brain, but that’s about it.”
“I think you should go to the nurse if that’s the case.”
She put her hand on my forehead and quickly drew it back in surprise.
“You’re freezing.”
“You’re covered in breakfast themed clothing,” I snapped, I didn’t like being touched.
“Oh dear! You’re so cold and irritable and your organs have shut down! All of this could have been avoided by having a nice breakfast!”
“Sure, that’s it…”
It was sometimes better to agree with crazy people so they didn’t force feed you bagels and pancakes and other things you couldn’t digest on account of stagnant organs.
“To the nurse!” She exclaimed, pointing out the door, “and you better come to homeroom with a full stomach tomorrow!”
“It will be full of your blood.” I calmly stated as I walked out, happy to get away from that crazy, breakfast obsessed woman.