Playing With Fire

I had been put through a lot of pain in my life. It had been excruciating – everything had slashed me to the core and scars were etched onto my bones. The pain had been the deepest of pains – nothing compared to it. It was scorching. I had been raped. I had been secluded. I had been left behind. I had been acused. It was agonizing – all of it.

But nothing in the world cut me more than seeing Nick cry.

Nick was a complicated being, full of twists and turns and hidden talents. Throughout his whole life, his emotions filled him up like a bottomless pit. They fed his creative spirit. They allowed him to do what few others could – pour his heart out onto sheet music and create beautiful music out of thin air. He could dance his fingers over a few piano keys, strum a few guitar chords, drop a few beats on the drums, and belt out a gorgeous falsetto to make a song that could leave everyone breathless. Those emotions dominated him and he was continuously controlled by them, a victim to their harsh side effects. He was sensitive – when something was bothering him, it bothered everyone. Those same emotions that let him be Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers also made him be an exceedingly troubled person, constantly battling with his feelings. I had seen him cry many times before and naturally, it hurt me every time.

But the sheer heartache he displayed that day made my heart feel as though it were about to burst into thousands of tiny pieces.

Outside Officer Shawn’s interrogation room, Nick fell to the ground, attempting to hide his face from me. I watched helplessly as he began to pound the floor with his fist violently out of frustration. I got down on my knees and took his shoulders desperately – it took every fiber of my being to contain myself as I leaned him gently against the wall. His entire body was shaking, spasming in tiny quivers underneath my hands. He was straining to breath – he didn’t want his cries to be heard. He kept his eyes shut tight and buried his face in his hands. His body shook as he cried. It was such a heartbreaking sight – I couldn’t breathe. It made me want to cry myself, to echo his heartache. It was killing me.

I took his head between my hands and kissed his soft curls, then his creased forehead. I grabbed the back of his head and leaned it onto my shoulder, like a mother to a child. He sobbed harder, his body completely frozen at first. He continued to shake – tremors were being thrown out in irregular patterns, I could feel them. As I tried to steady them, he loosened up over time and wrapped his arms around me, sobbing into my hair. He touched me like I was made of glass, bound to break at any second. His trembling hands were on my back, and I felt my shirt dampen with his tears. I looked up at the tiled ceiling and prayed to God to bring Nick peace. I couldn’t stand seeing him like that. It was unbearable – he was falling apart and it was my fault. Again.

We remained like that for a while. I held him against my shoulder on the floor in the corner as he let everything out. I was crying myself, but I refused to let him see. His shaking just wouldn’t stop. His body was stiff and rigid, like a hardened statue, and he couldn’t seem to sit up. I was holding him upright so he wouldn’t fall over. I kept rubbing his back and touching his hair, anxiously trying to comfort him until the crying subsided. He still sent out tiny trembles, but he was able to hold himself up. He remained against me, refusing to let me see his face. So he stayed touching my chest with his head, listening to my heart I supposed. I listened as he took a deep, unsteady breath.

“I swear to God,” he began. His voice was uneven and thick; it was hard to understand him at first. “that I will never, ever, for the rest of my life, forgive myself. I will never leave you again. I swear it. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you – to save you. I’m going to find him. And when I do, he’s gonna pay, Kara. He’s gonna pay so fucking much. But it will never, ever make up for what he did to you. You are the most amazing girl I have ever met. You deserve so much more. When I heard all those things he did to you… God, I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill myself, Kara.” I shuddered. The idea of him dying… I couldn’t even think about it. I tightened my grip on him out of fear that I would lose control and collapse. “I didn’t know,” he went on, “I didn’t know all the awful, horrifying things he did to you. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. Ever. I love you. I love you so much,”

He ended in a whisper. After a moment, he finally looked up into my eyes.

I screamed inside.

Looking at his poignant expression was like a knife to my chest. It was red and swollen all over – bloodshot eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. He looked as though he had just seen a ghost. I reached up to touch him in horror. Such a beautiful, angelic boy in such indescribable pain and anguish, all because of me.

“It will never happen again,” he continued, shaking his head slowly. New tears were being built up in his devastated brown eyes. “Ever. I promise you. I will never leave you. I’m right here, always.” He took my hand in his gently and placed it over his heart – I felt my song slowly thudding against my palm. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise,”

I felt weak inside. If I had been standing, I knew I would have catapulted to the ground, weak in the knees. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore – I felt them stream down my face without any effort on my part. I gave up. That’s it. I let everything go at that point; every single thing I had kept bottled up inside me for eight months exposed itself. I was raw and real, and my outburst triggered even more tremors out of Nick.

“I love you,” I managed to whisper to him. We sobbed together with no end. It seemed as though it had went on forever, but it helped me. Nick helped me express the pain. I didn’t need to keep anything hidden from him, nor did he from me. We were becoming whole together, exactly where we belonged – in each other’s arms.

After a long while, the other Jonases finally came looking for us out of sheer worry and concern. Kevin and Joe strode over and lifted us up from the cold floor with watery eyes, on the verge of tears themselves when they first saw us. Nick and I were silent – we were finally calm, focusing on breathing deeply and evenly. I latched onto his hand, refusing to let him go, as Joe pulled me into his arms snugly. Kevin hugged Nick, catching the outburst of his baby brother before it renewed itself. I snuggled closer to Joe’s chest – he was extremely comforting. I felt protected in his arms. But I longed to feel Nick against me once again. Nothing compared to the feeling of tranquility I felt with him. When Joe released me, rubbing my shoulder and wiping his eye in secret, Nick hovered over me protectively and tightened his hold on my hand.

All of us drove home immediately. After Mr. and Mrs. Jonas gushed over how proud they were of me, we were all quiet. Nick and I sat in the very back seat, damaged after crying so much and completely taken aback with a feeling of exhaustion. Joe and Kevin were situated in the middle row, sitting backwards with their chins resting on the black leather so they could watch out for us. Their seatbelts were wrapped around them in all the wrong places and they dozed off into sleep every five minutes, but they didn’t care – they refused to look away. I leaned against the side of the car with my head against the window and Nick was slowly falling asleep on my shoulder with his palm pressed against Layla – he sought out to her for comfort. I took a deep breath and looked out the window – the sun was setting in the distance and it was raining. The water drops hitting the glass against my face was relaxing. I was at ease.

By the time we got home, it was dark out. I hadn’t realized how long it had all taken. The day had flown by completely. We hadn’t even eaten. Denise suggested ordering pizza for dinner, but truthfully none of us had any appetite. It had been a long, grueling day. I had conquered my fear. Nick had learned of the truth – his pained stature and face had left me permanent scars. Joe and Kevin had witnessed us at our worst, and Mr. and Mrs. Jonas had to do all of that and keep calm for the rest of us. They couldn’t lose it, like I had done. It had been beyond tough. We were worn out.

Denise and Paul went straight to bed after kissing each of us goodnight and giving me another heartwarming praise. I knew they would be getting in touch with Officer Shawn very soon, but I tried not to think of it. The boys and I retreated to the basement. Joe and Kevin let it be known that both of them would be sleeping in the basement with me and Nick from then on.

“We’ll sleep on the floor if we have to,” Kevin said as we got comfortable on the couch. “But we’re all gonna be together.” Joe nodded in agreement. It wasn’t difficult to see that they had been affected enormously from our display earlier that day, perhaps even more than we had. I couldn’t imagine how it must have felt for them to see their baby brother crying hysterically, sprawled on the floor in the corner of a police station. They cared so deeply for Nick. I had never seen brothers with a tighter bond. If he was depressed, they were too.

And boy, did he look depressed.

He was absolutely still beside me on the couch. The only part of him that moved was his chest, rising up and down slowly as he inhaled and exhaled. His eyes were gazing off into space. He was in his own world and I knew his thoughts were racing. I had never seen him so emotional as he had been that day.

“You okay, bro?” Joe asked him, slapping his shoulder gently. I could see the worry lines begin to deepen on Joe’s normally grinning face. It was strange to see someone as carefree as him so upset – he looked ten years older than the Joe I knew and loved.

“What?” Nick startled, raising his eyebrows and jumping back into reality, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine…” He took a deep breath and took my hand in both of us, playing aimlessly with the ring he had given me. It seemed to give him refuge and he relaxed.

“Okay,” Joe ruffled Nick’s curls lovingly and picked out a DVD from the shelf. He popped it into the player and sat beside me – Kevin sat at my feet on the floor. One of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies began on the screen, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Nick. I was worried about him. He looked back at me and when our eyes met, something inside me told me that our relationship had changed. I didn’t know why, but it was different. Nick leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, lingering at the spot for a moment and then wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into his arms. I leaned into his chest to hear my song and closed my eyes, finally signing a truce with the truth.

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The next day was officially the worst day of August. Nick had to leave again with his brothers, this time for two whole days, to make up for the day they had missed and go to a meeting in New York with Disney. It was the worst time to go. Joe and Kevin were still shook up over what happened, and Nick had never been more reluctant to leave me alone.

“I’m breaking my promise already,” he said to me as we stood outside by the SUV. The boys and their dad were just about to get into a bus to drive down to Manhattan. “I told you I wouldn’t leave you,”

“Nick…” I brought my hand up to his cheek. “I’m going to be right here when you get back,” Inside, I wanted to drop down on my knees and beg him to stay, but I was being strong.

He sighed deeply and took my face between his hands. “I love you,” he said sweetly, leaning down to kiss my lips as tenderly and lovingly as he had done the very first time. Even the second time around, it brought tears to my eyes. He never failed to amaze me with even the most simplest of actions.

“Two days,” he whispered, “Forty eight hours and you’ll be back in my arms again. I promise,”

“I love you,” I told him, “Be safe,”

“You too,” he replied, looking deep into my eyes. I found the sheer longing in his voice and in his eyes that yearned for my safety. It was still tearing him up inside.

After affectionate hugs from Joe, Kevin, and Mr. Jonas and one last amorous kiss from Nick, I watched with Mrs. Jonas as our boys stepped onto the bus, waved back at us from the rear window, and set off for New York. I heard someone telling me in my head, “Be strong, Kara.” – it never seemed to go away. I tried to obey it, but it was so hard. Being without Nick wasn’t something that came easy to me. It wasn’t natural for us to be apart. I knew what it was like to be without him. I did it for five months without a trace from him – five long, painful months – and one hour when I thought he would be gone forever. He was my soul, my reason to stay strong. I knew I would see those eyes again. Just two days, forty eight hours.

Let the countdown begin.

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Forty two hours and twenty minutes left.

Mrs. Jonas and I made a commitment to keep ourselves busy. We had the entire house to ourselves – no troublesome boys hogging the bathroom or the TV or the refrigerator. No boys yelling and wrestling each other on the floor, punching holes into the walls. No Kevin playing his noisy guitar in the early hours of morning. No erratic Joe head-banging to heavy metal in his room to kill his energy drink buzz or telling corny jokes from his lame joke book. No Nick pounding away on his drum set or screaming loudly at the television during Giants and Yankees games. No Frankie playing pranks or leaving his toys scattered on the floor for someone to trip on. No Papa Jonas complaining about the chores the boys were supposed to do yesterday. No Jonas boys at all.

God, we missed them so much.

In just five hours, we had done pretty much everything humanly possible. We baked cookies, we watched Ellen, we went grocery shopping, we cleaned out closets, we organized sock drawers, we did laundry, we played Monopoly, we even whipped out Frankie’s Power Ranger coloring books. We were bored out of our minds.

“Kara, go get some juice,” Mrs. Jonas said to me as we absentmindedly doodled over Power Ranger helmets with pink and green crayons.

I gave her a puzzled look.

“I want you to spill it on the floor,” she said.

The puzzled look transformed into complete bewilderment.

Mrs. Jonas’ fist hit the table and I jumped.

“If I don’t have to tell someone to clean something up in the next five minutes, I am going to explode!” she yelled.

I laughed and set the crayon down on the table. “I feel your pain,” I said.

“We need to find something to do. Anything,” she sighed, rubbing her temples with her fingers. “I didn’t realize how torturous it would be to not have five screaming boys everywhere I turned,”

“I know. It’s crazy,” I replied.

We were quiet for a moment. I thought about what Nick might have been doing. He had text-messaged me earlier when they reached the Big Apple, but couldn’t talk for long because his phone had died and he was using Kevin’s. I missed him a lot. He was probably checked into a hotel somewhere, watching Heroes with Joe and playing his guitar. I hoped that wherever he was, he was okay.

“I have an idea,” Mrs. Jonas said slowly. I sensed the excitement slowly being built up in her voice. She flashed me her jazz hands and said, “I’m taking you to the mall.” She grinned, eyes sparkling with sudden anticipation.

I was skeptical. I hadn’t been shopping in months. I didn’t want to get there and find out that I looked like a balloon in everything I tried on. I was getting by just fine in my old clothes.

Mrs. Jonas noticed my ghastly expression and got even more excited. “Come on honey, it’ll be fun!” she squealed, “I’ll get you dresses and blouses and skirts and everything. You’ll look exactly like Heidi Klum,”

I let out a laugh. Heidi Klum, yeah right. I looked into her warm, genuine brown eyes and realized that’s exactly where Nick got them from. She looked so innocent and motherly, as if there was some kind of glow radiating from her skin. I couldn’t say no to that face. After all, she lived with five boys. She probably never got any girl time. So in the end, I agreed and was rewarded with the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen grace her face. She scurried around the living room, throwing random items into her purse and then running into the bathroom to dab on some lipstick. I put on some mascara and laced on my Chucks.

We were out the door in no time, driving down the road with every window rolled down and blasting old Shania Twain songs on the radio. My hair was blowing in every direction and the sun was blinding my eyes, but I didn’t think I had ever had more fun before in my life. I was bonding with Mrs. Jonas and I was loving it.

We reached Montgomery Mall after about half an hour of driving thanks to traffic. It was huge, composed of over fifty stores. We didn’t know where to begin…Actually, scratch that. I didn’t know. Mrs. Jonas had the mall directory memorized. She shot me a large grin and took my hand, leading me into a stylish boutique titled Belle. I felt the nerves begin to surface.
Mrs. Jonas swiftly began to select colorful pieces of clothing on fancy hangers in the maternity section, draping them over her arm as I trailed close behind. Everything in the store looked as though it all belonged on supermodels with millions of dollars. I felt so out of place, so I just followed her around, making sure I didn’t touch anything. She was in her zone.

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Thirty nine hours and fifty minutes left.

Mrs. Jonas went shopping-crazy.

I watched skeptically as she loaded bag after bag of clothes and accessories into the trunk of the SUV. I sipped on my lemonade from the mall café and wondered just how much money she had spent on me. It made me shudder.

“Oh, Kara, you’re going to look absolutely amazing,” she exclaimed as she shut the trunk door and pulled me into a tight hug. “My son is not going to know what hit him,” I felt her body shake with laughter.

We drove home to more Shania Twain mixed in with some John Mayer and a splash of those Jonas boys we missed so much.

“WHEN WE GET HOME,” Mrs. Jonas shouted over the loud music, “WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A FASHION SHOW!” She grinned.

“OKAY!” I yelled back. I was actually looking forward to it. She had picked out a few really nice things and even though I felt beyond selfish accepting them all, I was excited about trying them on. Great, she was contagious.

Once we reached home, it took two trips from the car to the house to bring all the bags inside. I was moving at a snail’s pace next to Mrs. Jonas. Being eight months pregnant kind of messes with everything, especially my strength. Layla took all of that. But eventually, I was alone with the lovely expensive wardrobe upstairs in Nick’s room. I stared blankly at the hefty pile of clothes sitting on the bed. I didn’t know what to put on first. When I was younger, I absolutely adored clothes. I had skinny jeans in every color, graphic tees of every band, vintage dresses in every style, all types of sneakers, boots, heels, you name it. I had it. But none of those exquisite pieces fit me anymore and after what happened, I didn’t care about anything. I would wake up and throw on whatever. The simple things just didn’t matter anymore.

But Mrs. Jonas was waiting outside, unable to sit still from enthusiasm. I had to put on something. I wanted to make her happy. So I began jumbling through the pile. I felt so many different kinds of material under my hands – cotton, silk, denim. They were in rainbows of assorted colors. I picked out a few pieces to make an outfit: a denim mini skirt, a black and white floral camisole, a gray sweater, and gray ballet flats. I skipped the mirror. I already knew it looked terrible.

I turned the knob of the door and found Mrs. Jonas in the midst of coloring another Power Ranger outside in the hallway – she was making it tie-dye apparently. She saw me and examined the outfit, looking at me from the top of my head down to my toes. She practically fell out of her chair.

“Oh, good Lord,” she squealed, running her hands over the shirt and them resting them on my shoulders, “It looks incredible on you! I knew it would! I saw it and just knew it would.” She smiled warmly at me.

I blushed. The whole mother-daughterish stuff with Mrs. Jonas was really growing on me. I had always wanted a mom like her. She was perfect – she was supportive, she was a great cook, she gave amazing hugs, she gave the best advice. But best of all, she loved me. She brought me into her home like one of her own.

As she continued to marvel over the outfit, I took a moment to look at her. She really was an angel. She had raised beautiful boys. She had been right by their side as they pursued their dreams. She was the ideal mother. I hoped that I would be as wonderful as she was. I prayed that Layla would get to experience the same kind of relationship with me that I had with Mrs. Jonas. I looked up to her and I was forever honored to be a part of her life.

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Thirty five hours and twenty minutes left.

After trying on about nine more outfits, I was finally worn out. Mrs. Jonas helped me hang up all of the clothes into the closet in the basement. Then she made dinner – penne pasta in tomato sauce – did the dishes, and got into her pajamas to read O magazine in her bedroom. After eating, I hugged Mrs. Jonas goodnight and took a hot shower. The stress was beginning to surface more. I hadn’t heard from Nick in hours. I was worried about him. The hot steam and massaging water hitting my muscles calmed my nerves, but I still wanted to call him and hear his voice. When I got out of the shower, I slipped into his black shorts and gray sweatshirt once again, in need of his soothing scent. I took it in, then fluffed the pillows on my bed in the basement and lay down. I pulled out my phone from the pocket and dialed his number – hopefully, he had charged his phone by then. As I heard the rings, my fingers began to tap uncontrollably on my thigh. Why I had butterflies in my stomach, I didn’t know. But they were there and with every unanswered ring, they worsened, flapping their wings with more nerves.

I was going to give up after the seventh ring and start panicking, but I finally heard his smooth voice and it was like a huge weight on my heart had been lifted away. It was such a beautiful sound.

“That is so weird,” he said into the receiver, letting out a relaxing laugh.

I smiled in awe at the sound. “What is?” I asked.

“I was seriously just about to hit ‘talk’ to call you,” he said, bewildered, “Then you call me,”

“We’re on the same wavelength,” I replied, still grinning. I felt like such a teenager. “I miss you,” I sighed.

He let out a tiny painful moan. “I miss you, too,” he said, “You have no idea how hard this is,”

“Oh, I do. Believe me. It came down to Frankie’s coloring books as a source of entertainment for your mom and me,” I replied.

I was rewarded with a gorgeous laugh. “That sucks,” he said, “It got so bad that I actually thought Joe’s jokes were funny,”

“Whoa,”

“I know,” he laughed. “I can’t wait to see you again,” he said in a different tone, more serious and almost desperate. I wanted so much to hold him.

“Just a little over a day more,” I sighed, trying to sound confident that I would be strong. It wasn’t working.

“They’re talking about us doing a TV show,” he said.

“That’s great, Nick,” I smiled.

“It’ll be great if I can bring you with me,” he sighed. “I can’t do this again,”

“Me neither,” I replied.

“Is that Kara? Tell her I say hi!” I heard someone yell in the background.

“No, shut up…” Nick said to them.

“Do it!” The voice shouted again.

“No! Wait…No, don’t do that. JOE! OW!”

“Tell her I say hi!”

“FINE! Kara, Joe says hi,”

I laughed. “Hi, Joe,” I said.

“She says hi back. Happy now?” said Nick.

“Yes,” I heard Joe say.

“Wonderful. Now let go of me,”

“But I love you,”

“LET GO!” There was a pause. “Thank you,”

I laughed again. I missed their goofiness so much.

“Sorry about that,” sighed Nick, “You know Joe…”

“Yes, I know Joe,” I giggled.

“So, what’d you do today?” he asked me, “Besides color,” He laughed.

“Oh, a lot,” I replied. “Laundry, organizing sock drawers, grocery shopping. It was all very exciting,”

I heard him chuckle.

“Your mom did take me shopping though,” I continued. “That was fun,”

“Oh, really? That’s good. What’d you buy?”

“Clothes and stuff,” I answered.

“Awesome. You’ll have to show me when I get back,”

“’Kay,” I said, smiling.

“And we’ll go out to dinner or something. Deal?”

“Deal,” I replied, “It’s a date,”

“I can’t wait,” he said.

We must’ve talked for hours on end. I was just happy to hear his voice – saying that I missed him was an understatement. We talked about anything and everything. It was one in the morning when I let out a giant yawn.

“You’re tired,” he said in a voice that was equally drowsy, “Sleep, love,”

“No, I’m fine…” I said slowly. I didn’t want him to leave.

“I’ll call you in the morning. I promise,” he said.

“I won’t be able to sleep anyway,” I replied, “Layla misses you too,”

He laughed sleepily. “Close your eyes,” he said.

I felt my heavy eyelids meet and focused on the sound of his soothing voice.

“Are you under the covers?” he asked.

“Yup,” I answered.

He chuckled. “Are you in my sweatshirt?”

I laughed. “How did you know?”

“Same wavelength, remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” I said, “Shorts too,”

He laughed. “A little over a day?”

“A little over a day,” I sighed.

“I love you,”

“I love you, too,”

“Now sleep. I’ll be the first voice you hear in the morning. I promise,”

“Okay,” I said shakily. I really didn’t want him to leave.

He was quiet for a moment. I imagined him sitting in his hotel room with the phone against his ear and a notebook sitting beside him as he wrote songs. I pictured him playing with the pen and chewing on it as he pondered what he was going to say.

But then, he started humming. It was a familiar tune, but I didn’t bother to figure out what song it was. His voice was far too mesmerizing for me to even think about anything else.

He began to sing me to sleep:

When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surrounds you
Are secrets and lies
I’ll be your strength
I’ll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it’s gone.
The one you should call
Was standing here all along.
And I will take you in my arms

And hold you right where you belong.
‘Till the day my life is through
This I promise you.
This I promise you.

I’ve loved you forever
And lifetimes before.
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore.
I give you my word.
I give you my heart.
This is a battle we’ve won.
And with this vow, forever has now begun.

Just close your eyes.
Each loving day.
I know this feeling won’t go away.
‘Till the day my life is through
This I promise you.

Over and over I fall
When I hear you call
Without you in my life, baby
I just wouldn’t be living at all.

And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong.
‘Till the day my life is through
This I promise you.
This I promise you.

I fell asleep to his voice with a smile on my face and his words echoing in my mind. I was at ease and in a day, he would be back in my arms once again.