Playing With Fire

I thought of many things when I was alone in my mind that night. I was waiting to die, waiting to be saved. I pictured my lifeless body lying on a stretcher as a bundle of frantic paramedics struggled to revive me. I didn’t know where I was, if I was going to see daylight again, if the sight of Nick’s smile would ever come into view just one last time. I was alone – possibly even forever.

I thought of the family I knew and loved – the family who had invited me into their home with open arms and warm hearts. They had been nothing but kind and benign to me, yet all I had given back to them was pain and heartache. Visions of the ghost and Joe’s tear-filled eyes filled my head. Every ounce of grief I felt, they had felt with me. They had been through agony with me, crying and standing by my side no matter what. If I had realized anything in the past few months, it was that their hearts were nothing but pure, right down to the very core.

But as the painful memories came to mind, so did the joyful ones – birthday dinners at fancy restaurants, milestone performances that made the boys’ careers come to life, the birth of their album, watching blockbusters in the basement. I remembered every smile that graced their faces and I felt the happiness again as I remembered it. They had healed me in every way possible. I owed them my life. I owed them everything.

I had great love for every Jonas. Little Frankie’s innocence always warmed my heart. Kevin had always been the big, protective brother I could talk to. Joe had more power than anyone else on the planet to trigger a laugh in me – I depended on him to make everything right again, even when there was no hope left. I valued Papa Jonas’s fatherhood and leadership skills. Whenever he was around, I knew we were all safe. Mrs. Jonas had been my backbone, the mother I never had the privilege of having but prayed desperately for. My prayers had been answered when she stepped into my life. Each one was special to me and would forever be a part of my soul.

But one stood out from the rest in ways I still found unfathomable.

I couldn’t explain what happened to my heart when he was around. Even in my darkest hour, I still believed it had all just been a dream. Loving Nick was easy. Nothing in my life had ever been easier than that. It came naturally, effortlessly. My love for him just flowed out of my heart, out of my very being, without any kind of endeavor on my part. It was so simple, yet so difficult to put into words. As I remembered the times of simplicity and love with him, I knew that wherever I was, dead or alive, I was smiling. I thought of falling asleep to his voice as he felt Layla and sang to her. I thought of the weightlessness I felt when I first kissed him. I thought of my song and everything it meant to him. I thought of dancing with him in the rain and saying yes a million and one times in my heart when he made me the promise. I knew that couldn’t be the end of it all. I knew there had to be more to the story.

After all, I hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye.

I looked for any type of sign that would signal whether life would go on or finally end at that point. I searched through the darkness, rattling my mind for any mark of hope.

I found nothing.

But then, at the sound of a loud pulsating beep, the burning fire had returned. This time, the flames were black – violent, angry flames that took over every muscle and every sensation. I waited for them to die out, but they kept growing, faster and faster, stronger with every second. I knew I was alive. I couldn’t be dead yet.

The pain was too severe not to be real.

In the distance, a voice began to distinguish itself from the silence. I struggled through the unbearable pain to listen and pick out words.

“Bailey, push for eighty more CC’s and pump her one more time! I’m not giving up just yet!” the voice screamed. It was a woman’s voice – she sounded anxious and chaotic with every second wasted. I listened carefully and heard even more voices, each more frantic than the one before it.

I was coming back to life.

Quickly, I felt the rush of air inside my lungs and my eyes popped open, blinded by a large white light. The burning was getting worse.

“Miss! Miss! Can you hear me? My name is Dr. Montgomery, can you hear me? Miss!” said the voice once again.

“HER NAME IS KARA, DAMMIT!”

Another voice came into focus – this one was familiar. So familiar, it made my heart quicken at the memory.

“Mr. Jonas, we need you to calm down! You need to rest and keep your heart rate down!”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! THE GIRL I LOVE IS IN THERE, OKAY?”
I took a raspy breath. “Nick –”

“She can talk. Okay, that’s a very good sign,” said Dr. Montgomery. “Kara?” she said to me, this time louder. “Can you squeeze my hand for me, please?”

I felt pressure against my palm and pressed my fingers down fiercely, fighting the smoldering flames against my skin. I heard a scream escape my lips and Nick went off.

“KARA! KARA, IT’S OKAY! YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE, OKAY? WAIT…NO, GET OFF ME! I NEED TO GET IN THERE! PLEASE! KARA!”

“Nick…” was all I could whimper in return.

Slowly, my vision came back to life as well. Once blurred colors and shapes focused and I made out a woman with auburn hair and big, green eyes looking down at me. She was wearing a white lab coat and a black suit underneath – the kinder, gentler version of Charlene. Something in her eyes told me I would be alright. She was going to fix everything.

I could have smiled at her, if not for the pain.

“Kara, honey, listen to me. I need you to tell me what hurts, okay? Can you do that for me?”

I nodded slowly and opened my mouth.

“Layla,” I whispered.

“Layla?” Dr. Montgomery asked in confusion.

“LAYLA’S HER BABY! GOD, YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING! LET ME IN THERE! PLEASE!” Nick screamed from afar.

“Mr. Jonas, sit down!”

“Please,” I managed to whisper. “Please. Nick…”

Dr. Montgomery debated the idea in her head for a while and then stepped away from the hospital bed atop of which I was sprawled on.

“Bring him over,” she said simply, waving her hand and motioning toward me.

Within seconds, a familiar hand enclosed over mine and Nick’s face came into view.

He was the same – exactly as beautiful and flawless as he had been before. I felt tears build in my eyes as I remembered the feeling of thinking I’d never see him again. I stared back at his upset face. A few cuts rimmed his features, covered with stitches, and a thick white bandage was wrapped around his forehead. I wanted to ask him if he was alright, what had happened to the others.…But I couldn’t form words anymore. I had so many questions - questions that would have to wait.

An additional sharp pain pierced through my back and I shrieked, shutting my eyes tight and gripping the bed sheets with all my might.

“Nick, I need you to hold her down while we give her the epidural. She’s in a great deal of pain right now and she needs you,” I heard Dr. Montgomery’s smooth voice direct Nick. I felt Nick kiss my forehead and whisper in my ear that everything was fine and the pain would disappear soon. He reminded me of how much he loved me and didn’t know what he’d do without me, and suddenly I was almost okay. I let myself escape into his soothing voice and just trust in his words – he had never failed me before.

Soon, the sharp pierce was removed from my body and I waited as the pain slowly subsided. I was overwhelmed with relief as I finally opened my eyes and took a deep, painless breath. Nick smiled and moved the hair out of my eyes.

I sighed. “I love you,” I said, surprised with the sound of my own voice, strong and steady. “So much. You don’t even know,”

He knelt down to kiss my lips slowly and cautiously, like he was afraid he’d hurt me.

“I love you, too,” he said gently against my skin.

When he pulled away, he sat beside my bed and took my hand in both of his.

“I’m sorry for freaking out so much earlier, Doc. I was…going out of my mind, to be quite honest,” he said sadly to Dr. Montgomery, squeezing my hand lightly.

“I understand,” she said, smiling. “But for now, we need to take care of you, Kara,” She turned her attention to me, this time with an anxious and grave look on her face. I was suddenly worried.

“First, let’s get you to a sterile bed.” She turned away and said a few words to a nurse, who walked out of the room and returned quickly, pushing a large, white bed beside me. I looked around and noticed four more nurses watching me with terrified eyes. I wondered why they looked that way.

The nurses and Dr. Montgomery lifted me into the new bed – thanks to Nick’s concussion, he wasn’t allowed to strain himself, so he just took his place beside the bed. As the doctor shifted and moved tubes and machinery over, I looked back at the old bed and realized why the nurses had been in so much shock.

Every inch of the mattress was crimson red, covered from the top to the very bottom, with a deeper concentration towards the middle.

It was blood.

My blood.

I felt my heart sink and turned to Dr. Montgomery in angst. She looked into my eyes and read my mind.

“Kara, I’m going to tell you exactly what happened to you as soon as I can,” she assured me, “But right now, my main focus is to get this baby out, safe and sound, okay? You were in so much pain because you’re going into labor.”

The machine monitoring my heart got louder and quicker as I felt my body slowly become numb.

“Labor?” I asked, afraid. “I’m not due – This isn’t supposed to – Not until next week.” I felt myself stutter.

“It was induced from the crash. You went into shock and it triggered your water breaking. I know it’s a lot to deal with right now, sweetie, but I need to get her out.” As she spoke, she gathered together utensils and numerous extra tubes, calling in her nurses and prepping the room for delivery.

Everything was moving so fast, I didn’t know what to think. It seemed so surreal as I watched the doctors get ready to deliver my baby – my baby. I wasn’t ready. Not in the slightest way.

Nick walked over and kissed my forehead, looking deep into my eyes.

“You can do this,” he said to me, his chocolate eyes putting me at ease already. “I’m right here, and you can do this. I love you. Layla loves you. You can do this.”

I closed my eyes at his words and kept them closed as long as I could. My mind was racing – this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. This was chaos and I didn’t know what to think of it. I tried to focus on Layla and finally getting to see her face and meet her. It brought me great comfort as I pictured her, soft and warm in my arms. It was but minutes away now.

But what if something went wrong? What if I didn’t push the right way or she didn’t cry when she needed to? What if I didn’t do it correctly? I had read books and watched movies about teen pregnancy, but nothing told me about how to give birth. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to push rewind and start over – pause everything until I was ready. But I knew that no matter what I said or did or read, I would never be ready. It was now or never.

I was going to have a baby.

Dr. Montgomery interrupted my daydream by yelling at me to push, push hard. I kept my eyes shut tight as the pressure built inside me, pushing and pulling. I forced all my attention to the hand in mine – Nick’s hand – and pushed with everything I had. I zoned everything out and kept pushing, knowing that soon enough I would be able to hold Layla in my arms and call her mine. I thought of all my memories with her as I gasped for breath and returning to pushing. I loved her with my whole heart and soul. She was a gift, a blessing. She wouldn’t be like her father. She wouldn’t reflect the heartache that produced her, the sheer cruelty that had occurred in her name. I would love her with everything I had. I made her that promise. I would keep that promise.

I wondered if she would look like me – if she’d have my wild and crazy curls or my good teeth gene. I didn’t remember what her father had looked like, but I prayed that she wouldn’t get his features. He didn’t deserve that and neither did she. I wondered if she would ever meet her grandmother or her uncle, if she’d like Barbies or sports. I knew she would be loved with us. She would be loved more than any child on the planet in the Jonas household. She’d be brought up with music in her soul and kindness in her heart. I knew it and as I saw it in my head, I wondered if she knew it too.

Then, like an answer to my unasked question to her, I heard a high-pitched, soft cry in return.

My heart jumped inside my chest.

I swung open my eyes and finally saw my daughter for the very first time.