The Disease Called Men

Murphy’s Law is absolute.

Cerise’s take on Murphy’s Law:
1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
2. If anything can go wrong, it will be at the most inopportune time.
3. If anything can go wrong, it will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
4. If anything went wrong, it is irreversible and costs you something that was priceless, like your pride or firstborn.



“Wow, who’s this ugly person?” Just by the tone of her voice, I knew Lee-Min was disgusted and confused.

Lee-Min poked me and I could only burble a dreadful noise in response. I was currently in reputation lockdown mode: foetal position ready and steadily rocking myself in the corner of the assembly room.

Julia sighed as she knelt next to me. “Cerise, it wasn’t that bad…”

Lee-Min raised an eyebrow. “Ah, I see. So you’re upset about that…”

I could also sense Sarah kneeling down next to me. She poked at me and I gurgled.

“Cerise,” Julia patted my back, “it’s not a big deal, really. It wasn’t as bad as you think.”

I sniffed and stopped rocking myself. I looked at my dear, sweet Julia. She let her her out today, her dark tight curls were framing her petite angelic face. Her face looked concerned.

“Really?” I turned looked up to Sarah, for confirmation. One can never rely on Julia for these things. Sometimes Julia was too nice to notice things like this.

“Really, really.” Sarah nodded, a bit too enthusiastically.

Suddenly, Lee-Min and Sarah burst out laughing. I stared at the two and scowled.

“Oh my god! I can’t hold it in!” Sarah wheezed, “I can’t… I can’t believe you didn’t-you didn’t… oh my god!”

And she fell into another fit of laughter. Holding her stomach and rocking back and forth.

“Cerise!” Lee-Min too, couldn’t hold in her laughter, and was slapping her knee. “I don’t see why you’re so upset! What just happened… that… hah… that isn’t far from what can usually happen, is it?!”

I stared at the two in disgust. “Are you two really my best friends?! Your friend here was-was-was…” Ooh, I couldn’t even say it without shuddering!

Sarah’s laughter managed to die down. “Cerise, it’s not as bad as you think it is.” She wiped a tear and looked serious. “Everyone here, well, the girls at least, are used to that sort of thing and the guys find you hilarious! Don’t you know guys find funny women attractive?”

I grunted at them. Who cares what guys think or find attractive?! I certainly don’t. Why does that even matter? Do they not see what the problem was? Do they?!

“Fine then,” Lee-Min laughed at my pathetic-ness, “go wallow in your misery for all we care.”

“I intend to.”

Julia sighed and patted my back. “Cerise… The president speech…”

The president speech? Please erase it from memory. I closed my eyes and held my breath. Something I always did when I would wish for something. And this time, I wished I had a time machine. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I had a time machine – but as much as I tried to fight it, the memory wouldn’t go away. I could not slay the WHOOSH moment.

WHOOSH:
I had that sinking feeling you get when you knew you forgot something, but don’t exactly know what. That sinking feeling when someone comes to you and says ‘we need to talk’. That sinking feeling when your parents look at you with disappointment in their eyes after glancing at your report card. Shit. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I bit my lip. Of all things to happen, I had forgotten my speech. I forgot my president speech! Mental alarms, ringing. Shit, shit, shit!

I caught Miller glancing at me. I guess he was concerned about my constant flustering and tapping of fingers on the nearest hard surface. He frowned at me. “You seem pale. You okay?”

I turned to him. No. I just enjoy panicking and stressing for no reason – of course I was not alright! “I forgot my speech.”

Miller raised an eyebrow and pointed at the piece of paper I was holding. “Just wing it. You got your notes, right?”

‘Just wing it’? ‘Just wing it’? Why were all boys like this? If I could ‘just wing it’ I wouldn’t be panicking, would I?! I looked at the piece of paper. This paper wasn’t my draft, it wasn’t even my notes – in fact it had nothing to do with my president speech! This paper was my bloody stick figure drawing of everyone I drew a while back! “Can’t. I got the wrong paper.”

Kyles turned to me. “You serious?”

No. I just like to pretend I didn’t bring my speech and get all stressed. “Yes, I’m serious.” I bit my lip. “Do you think I can quickly sneak out and get it? We haven’t been called to the front stage yet.” This was true. The members of the student council were currently standing behind the stage, waiting to be called to the front. I still had some time.

“No,” Yasmin narrowed her eyes at me, “that’s impossible, you fool. The presidents are on next.”

Shit.

“We’re up in five, Cerise.” Nikko frowned at me. I guess even someone as annoying as him knew something was up. “What?”

“Are your ears only for decoration?” Yasmin rolled her eyes. “This fool forgot her speech.”

Nikko narrowed his eyes at me. “Eh. Why am I not surprised?”

I bit my lip. It wasn’t like I forget my speech on purpose! In fact, it wasn’t like I forgot my speech, but more like I couldn’t find it. Crap. And we were up next. Crap. I only had one choice, and I knew was not going to like it…

“We still have time, Cerise,” Julia squeezed my hands. “You can just make it up on the spot. You’re good at making excuses, remember? Just pretend this speech is some sort of an excuse and you’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll do better than how you’d usually go.”

I blinked at Julia. I knew she had good intentions… but why could I not help but feel slightly insulted?

I sighed. This was different. I couldn’t do that. I needed my notes. Damn. That means I really had no choice. I took a deep breath and turned around. “Oh, beautiful, kind Nikko, do you think we can maybe, possibly, perhaps – ”

“No.” Nikko began to walk towards the stage.

I just blinked at him. “W-wait!” I quickly ran after him, stopping him before he reached the door. “I didn’t even finish my sent – ”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I’m about to ask!”

“You want me to help you with your president speech that is supposed to go for five long minutes?”

How did he…? Never mind. I grabbed his hand. “Please! Come on, Nikko! You’re my husband, right? Till death do we part?”

Nikko frowned. “You said it wrong and out of context. Also, we’re not even married.”

“Yet!” I corrected him as I squeezed his hand, “But in our hearts, we are!”

Nikko looked at me, for some reason, he looked disgusted. “What the hell, man? Why are you so weird?”

“Two more minutes!” I heard Yasmin call. Ugh. Damn, this was not my day.

“Aw, come on. This is me nearly begging you, Nikko oh-so-awesome Vanderbilt!”

That got his attention. Nikko immediately smiled. “‘Nearly begging’ me, huh? That’s nothing. And why do you sound sarcastic when you just praised me?”

“Come on, come on!” I urged him. It wasn't working. I gritted my teeth. I hated this. This was something I definitely could not mess up. No matter what. “Fine. I’m begging you.”

Nikko turned to face me. Oh, it took everything I had to not punch him, his arrogant smirk and that condescending look in his eyes. “And what will you do for me?”

I’ll kill you. “A-anything…?”

“Anything?”

I bit my lip. “Uh, I mean nothing sexual, physical, mental, emotional, financial – ”

“Never mind. Everyone’s waiting. You know, Fischer doesn’t like to wait.”

Crap, I hate this guy. “Fine! I hate you so much!”

“That isn’t something you should say to your husband, darling.” He began to tug me towards the stage.

I’ll strangle you! Ugh! “Fine, fine, fine! I’ll do anything you want! No questions asked!”

That damn smirk appeared again. His smugness was pissing me off. “Okay. Remember your words.”

Suddenly, I felt a bad feeling slowly sink in. A very bad feeling. The same bad feeling when I had realised I forgot my speech, but somehow, this bad feeling felt worse. As if my morals were at stake.

I could see it. I saw a vision of a shirtless Nikko hungrily chasing me, while I was screaming for the sake of my chastity. I saw my school shirt was already unbuttoned – if not half ripped off. I saw myself as the helpless woman running away from a rampant sex-hungry pervert. I could almost hear him in my vision, “Cerise, the thing I want is your body!” I gasped as I snapped out of the sudden vision. Even after snapping back to reality, this vivid scene was engraved on my mind. I slowly turned to him…. What if he… what if he wanted –

“No, Cerise.” Nikko frowned at me, clearly disgusted at me, as if he somehow read my mind. “Get your mind out of the gutter. What I want right now is for you to delete that picture.”

I looked at him, wary of his intentions. “Yes, you want that now, but how can I be sure on what you want later and that my chastity is safe?”

“What?” Nikko frowned at me. Then sighed and shook his head. “Cerise, please stop fantasising about me, for once. I just want you to delete that picture.”

What?! Anything but that! I sighed. Of all things to ask for… how did he knew I was wanting to save that the most?! I hadn’t even used him to his full servant potential yet! “A-are you sure you don’t want a kiss?” I made an unattractive face and pouted my lips.

Nikko grimaced in response. I chuckled to myself as I leaned closer. “What’s wrong? I’ll give you a kiss. It’s every guy’s dream to kiss me.”

“More like nightmare,” he muttered as he tried to push me away.

“What’s that? You’re shy?” I began to chortle to myself. ”Is this your first kiss?”

“What kind of girl are you?” Nikko mumbled as he tried to slowly back away from me.

Chortle, chortle. The kind of girl that will keep her blackmail material!

“Hold up,” he smirked and suddenly, I felt that bad feeling sink in again. I didn’t feel like chortling anymore.

“I can kiss you… ” He began to pull me towards the stage. “If it’s in front of everyone.”

No you can’t! I snatched my hand away and growled. Dammit. White flag! Defeat! I concede defeat! “Fine, fine! I’ll delete that damn picture!”

“Delete it now.”

“I don’t have it with me.”

“You have it on your phone, liar.”

Ugh what is wrong with this guy?! He watched me as I deleted the picture. “Happy?” I mentally cursed myself. Why was I a complete fool to only store one copy and only print one photo of my blackmail material?!

He smiled. “Very.”

I held out my hand. “Now give me your speech.”

He frowned and stared at me.

“Give me your speech.” I repeated. “You promised.”

“I never promised you anything.”

I stared at him. This guy…

He chuckled and slowly shook his head at me. “Though, I’ll give you this.” He handed me a piece of paper. I looked at it.

“Hey, oh my gosh! Where did you find this? I was looking everywhere for this!” I quickly skimmed through the pages. On it, it had my name, my handwriting and even my doodles of teachers I didn’t like! Clearly this was mine.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! Oh my gosh, Nikko! Thank you so much!” I looked up to him, “Wow, you actually aren’t a bad guy I thought you wer – ”

And then I saw that look in his eye. I blinked at him and his sudden smugness. I dropped my smile. Wait a minute. “Wait. Don’t tell me you purposely hid this from me because you wanted to trick…”

That smirk confirmed everything. My mouth dropped in astonishment. “You… you… YOU!!”

Nikko shrugged. “If it’s any consolation, I corrected your grammar and spelling mistakes.” He frowned at me, “Since you’re the president of Aldenbury, I’m afraid to tell you this: your English sucks. I can give it a C plus, at best. A twelve year old can spell better than you. You should feel ashamed of yourself.”

I just stared at him.

But this jerk smiled as he took my hand. “The presidents are up now, Cerise.”

Whoosh forward to the president’s speech
“As the female president of the student council body, I warmly welcome each and every student, teacher and staff. Each and every one of you has chosen a certain walk in life. And in your walk, this is your current path. Whether your path is a long and windy or a short and broad one, my path is to guide you. My path is my duty and I will stand by my duty firmly and with fairness. It is my duty to protect the masses, to minister to the poverty-stricken and unfortunate, to preserve the peace, to ensure prosperity to this land and to fight evil Lords and dragons… wait, what? Oh my god, what have I been saying?! I didn’t write any of this… This isn’t… I mean, Ahem. Thi-this is the true path of the student council president. You-you can depend on us…”

Whoosh
“…We must uphold our honour and I like trees. Trees are green, like Nikko’s eyes-eyes-eyes-eyes?! What is this rubbish? …Oh, I mean, uh, a tree… a tree is like our school. And… and we are green and we ha-hate rubbish. G-go the environment! We lo-love Captain Planet… M-moving on…”

Whoosh
“…And so, to conclude, Nikko is the best, he is amazing, awesome and sexy. I love – huh? Wait. Ack! D-did I say that aloud? Oh my god. Uh… Ha-ha. That was a joke. A joke. Everyone is supposed to be laughing now. Why aren’t you laughing, huh?”

End Whoosh

“The nerve of that guy!!” I screeched as I had an epileptic fit from embarrassment. I couldn’t even finish my WHOOSH moment since I was too embarrassed!

“Cerise!” I heard Julia call me. “The student council members have to shake the every teachers’ hands now.”

I groaned as I got up. Sure, I have embarrassed myself plenty – but this… this was just plain humiliation. I was publicly humiliated. In front of so many people. I… I was so humiliated I couldn’t even concede defeat because it was just too damn embarrassing!



Shaking hands with the Ice Queen was terrifying. During the whole time the student council had the meet and greet occasion after assembly she was giving me a condescending looks. I decided I didn't like any of the Brookfield staff.

“Though you are often regarded as the ‘humorous president’,” Ice Queen was saying after I had shook hands with the Bald Principal, ”I hope you can be more serious when the time calls for it.”

I nodded fervently. “Y-yes Ice – uh, I mean Ms Fischer.”

After giving me one more look of disdain she huffed and walked ahead. I mentally groaned. Meeting all the new staff was so troublesome and tiresome. Well, I thought to myself, it's only going to get worse. Prepare for co-ed classes now. I sighed. I hated this.

“Cerise!” I twitched. Just hearing the sound of this voice makes me want me to do something unreasonably violent.

“What?” I grunted as I turned to the speaker.

Nikko smiled at me disarmingly. “Aw, don’t tell me you forgot you needed to shake hands with me. We need to introduce ourselves formally, remember?”

You already know me. I glared at him as I slowly made my way to him. “Cerise Van Goldenburg. Female Student President.”

Nikko nodded. He smiled as he offered me his hand, which I grudgingly took. “As you know already, I’m the male Student President. Nikko Vanderbilt.”

I stared at him. Why was this guy so smart? Why did all my plans backfire? Why? Why?!

Nikko stopped shaking my hand, but he still held it. His smile somehow became sinister, and I shuddered. I suddenly felt a cold chill as Nikko pulled me towards him and leaned into my ear, murmuring, “I hope you learn from today to never go against me.”

My mouth dropped from disbelief. The nerve of this guy!

“Darling.” He snickered evilly before dropping my hand. “See you around, Cerise.”

I just stared at him.

“Oh yeah. I look forward to working with you, pres.”

Oh, how I was looking forward to classes.