The Disease Called Men

Recess means a break from schoolwork.

Cerise’s list of the probably most useless advice of Claret’s useless advice:
1. Do not buy dad a comb.
2. Never put grapes in the microwave.
3. Do not wear skin coloured socks, because it will look like you are not wearing any.
4. Why are you always relying on others? If you want something done properly, you should do it yourself, you lazybones!



Classes was as fun as listening to an off-tuned violin practicing scales accompanied by the grating of a chalkboard. Wonderful. I was getting a headache from all the obnoxious noises and hooting. I tried my best concentrating in class but with the boys’ constant need to high five for everything and throwing pieces of paper in the rubbish bin was exhausting. Ugh! I just needed to get them to leave! Claret always told me that if I wanted something done properly, I should do it myself. That was probably the best advice he’d given me so far. And from today, that was probably the only advice I had followed. Getting rid of those Brookfield Boys from my Heavenly Sanctuary? Heh, so this was probably the reason my father was the bald principal of my school. I decided to face the bald principal directly myself.



“Cerise,” the bald man greeted me. He was playing with his necktie – an annoying habit he had whenever he was anxious or was about to break bad news to me. Like that time he told me Pokémon didn’t exist and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house just because I wanted to go on my own ‘adventure’. “So you… you came to see me about the Brookfield students?”

I nodded, holding onto my resolution firmly. Must get rid of Brookfield boys. This was the reason my life had lead me up to this point. This was it. I had to convince my bald father to kick out those stupid Brookfield boys.

The bald man sighed and tried to run his hand through his non-existent hair, only to realize, he had no hair. “Cerise, about that…” He cleared his throat. “It’s… it’s a lot more… complex than it seems.”

“What? You wanted to expand your subjects? You wanted – ”

“We’re broke.”

“So what?” I replied as I secretly flicked one of his (many) plush toys off his desk. Ugh, his ‘office’ was so disturbing. “Just get a loan or something! Why did you need to complicate things and combine schools with our brother school? I don’t see why – ”

“No… A three million dollar loan isn’t that easy…”

I stopped and stared at the bald man.

“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you.” The bald man sighed as he slowly shook his head in dismay. “Don’t you understand, Cerise? Don’t you get it?” The bald man went on, “If we lose this deal, we’ll go broke. Then the school will have to shut down. Then our family will break apart. And then you will be homeless and die alone. We’ll lose everything. Everything.”

My mouth fell open.

“And… and Brookfield is in a pinch as well. They’re just at the edge of over-population. Their buildings are too old and they don’t have enough facilities for their students. I mean, even the local council had to talk to Principal Fischer about how old and hazardous the buildings were.”

“…”

“Think about it, Cerise. If we combine schools, it’s a win-win situation, right? Combine the schools, Aldenbury loses its debt, Brookfield can provide their students and our facilities will be put to good use. Oh, and also there’s that girl and guy excitement for you teenagers.”

“…”

“See, Cerise? Try to understand the situation. Well, that’s basically the brief version as to what’s really happening… but still. Do you understand now, Cerise? See why we need the two schools together?”

“…”

“This was why I didn’t want to tell you, but you understand right? Well, that’s good then. You should probably run along to your friends now. Though I daddy won’t be mad if you visit him later on.”

After forcefully handing me some suspicious candy, the bald man then ushered me to the door. And then I left his office stupefied.

You will be homeless and die alone, alone, alone, alone. I could hear that sentence echoing in my head as I aimlessly walked through the hallways. Slowly, the news was sinking in. Oh my god.

“Why?!” I cried as I dramatically collapsed onto the ground. Not that anyone bothered to notice my mental anguish. This could not be happening. Nothing was going my way! Begging didn’t work. Bribing didn’t work. Blackmailing didn’t work. I had just visited the silly bald principal and even that didn’t work! There was nothing I could do to stop the two schools in uniting.

Before I could fall further into the depths of self-pity, I suddenly felt a heavy impact collide into my back.

“Hey, watch it!” A low voice hissed as that said impact stumbled over me.

You should watch where you are going. “Oh, sorry.” I mumbled halfheartedly as I tried to get up. Oh, my back!

“Hey you,” the voice grumbled, “you don’t sorry at all!”

Oh why, oh why, oh why was this happening to me? As if I weren’t in a bad enough mood already. I turned to the guy. So annoying. He reminded me of those ‘bad boys’ Sarah would go on about – y’know, with the whole messy uniform, obnoxious swagger and pissed off look – oh wait, I think he was pissed off. I sighed. “I am so terribly sorry I accidently tripped you while I was wallowing in my own misery. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

The guy frowned at me. “Are you asking for a fight?”

“Travis, come on man, it was your own fault… No running in the hallways, remember?”

I frowned. Huh. There were two guys? The other guy, who I didn’t notice gave me a strange sense of déjà vu. I shrugged it off. All guys looked the same to me. Even if this guy had a darker complexion that would make girls envious of his natural tan and was also noticeably tall.

This other guy smiled at me as he offered me a hand. “Oh, hey Cerise.”

I frowned at him as he pulled me up. “You know me?”

The tall dude frowned at me. “Are you serious? Don’t you remember? At the dorms?”

I blinked at him, trying to mentally place him. Nope. “I’ve never seen you in my life. Are… are you some sort of stalker?”

The Travis guy stared at his friend. “S-s-stalker!”

Tall dude gave him a deadly look. “Hell no! I’m Naveen – I’m the roommate of Miller. We met on the day everyone was moving in, remember?”

“Oh!” I nodded and pointed at him, “Yes, of course. I remember you…”

Naveen just stared at me. “No you don’t. Quit pretending, Cerise.”

Crap, he’s sharp.

Travis groaned and began walking ahead. “Whatever, I’m bailing.”

Naveen frowned at the Travis guy. “What about classes?”

“Screw that shit!” Travis kicked the ground. “Argh. This is so damn annoying. This co-ed shit is just a pain in my ass, damn it.”

Naveen shrugged and scurried after his friend. He nodded at me. “Later then, pres.”

I stared at that Travis guy as the two walked off. Huh. So there were guys who were also against the uniting of the two schools… Huh.



“Where the hell have you been this whole morning?” Nikko demanded, like an annoying, nagging housewife he was. He had his hand on his hip as he shook his head at me. “You were supposed to help me. Don’t tell me you were skipping classes?!”

I mentally groaned as I ignored him and made my way to the student lounges. It was recess and I decided I wanted to spend it alone. So I went to the student council – only to find all the members there. Dammit.

“Really, Cerise. Are you even taking anything seriously?” Nikko went on. “You know, this is supposed to be equal between everyone. Sharing the work, sharing everything, but it feels like I’m the only one doing work here.”

Wow, he really did sound like my wife. I groaned again. Why was he so annoying? Why won’t he shut up? “Calm down, Mrs Van Goldenburg. Geez, no need to get your knickers in a knot…”

“‘Mrs’?! ‘Van Goldenburg’?! What the hell why am I the ‘Mrs Van Goldenburg’?! Shouldn't you be ‘Mrs Vanderbilt’?! And who even says ‘knickers in a knot’ these days, anyway?!” Nikko frowned at everyone else. “And why the hell are you guys not helping? We’ve got some major things to do – like that fete, remember?! We have to plan for that!”

“Geez calm down, mum. Don’t kill dad yet,” Yasmin mumbled as she got her pierogi out of the microwave.

“We already called the marriage counsellor, mum. He’s on his way.” Kyles added as he flicked a page of his comic book.

“‘Mum’ – ‘dad’?! Who the hell… Why the hell – ” Nikko spluttered, “You – ”

“Ungrateful child.” I frowned at Yasmin. “Don’t bully your mother. You’re grounded for the rest of your life. And I’m suspending your food.”

Yasmin looked at me threateningly when my hand slowly made its way towards her lunchbox. Maybe not.

Julia bit her lip. “Nikko’s right, everyone – ”

But everyone continued doing what they were doing. Yasmin was eating her pierogi, Kyles was reading his comic books and Miller listening to his iPod.

Nikko just grumbled to himself as he massaged the bridge of his nose. He went to the desks, sat down and began writing. Was he sulking? I sighed. I guess he was right, to some degree. We really haven’t done anything for the school fete…

“Man, you’re so frustrated.” I sighed as I sat next to him. “Do you want me to ease it off for you? Should I massage you or something?”

Nikko shot an icy glare at me and suddenly if felt like the atmosphere dropped ten degrees.

“…Or not.” I looked away. Man, today he was being touchy.

As if he had some psychic powers, Miller stuffed his iPod into his pocket and cleared his throat. “A-anyway, Nikko’s right. We need to get this started.” Miller then got up, grabbed a random marker and walked to the whiteboard. “So what are your suggestions, people?”

“Suggestions?” I frowned.

Nikko sighed and shifted away from me. What was wrong with him? Acting as if I was infectious or something!

“For the school fete,” Kyles reminded me as he closed his comic book and got out a notebook, “remember?”

I frowned, but it was recess. I came here to relax – not do any student council related things.

Julia began handing out papers. “How about this, everyone can just brainstorm their ideas first on a piece of paper and then we can all discuss our ideas after?”

“So we’re just brainstorming our ideas for the fete.” Kyles mumbled to himself, “But what should I write?”

Yasmin sighed as she put aside her lunchbox, “Basically write what you think and what you want for the fete.”

I looked at the piece of paper in front of me. What I think of all this? What I want?



Yasmin picked up my suggestion sheet and began scanning it. “Hm, so these are your ideas, Cerise? Looks like you wrote a lot. I’m surprised.”

Nikko looked over and read the sheet aloud.

A piece of Poetry, written by Cerise Van Goldenburg

Brookfield boys are stupid,
Brookfield boys are lame,
They like to think they’re all that,
Even though they look all the same.

Brookfield boys are ugly,
Brookfield boys are dumb,
They annoy me so much,
I can’t wait to kick them in the bum.

Brookfield boys are losers,
Brookfield boys are trash,
They don’t know how to go away,
Like a recurring rash.

Brookfield boys are leeches
Brookfield boys are shit,
If they don’t leave anytime soon
I might have a massive fit.

“…” Nikko and Yasmin stared at the paper.

Kyles started laughing, but then turned it to a cough when Miller gave him a dirty look.

Yasmin frowned at me while Nikko just stared at the paper. Obviously he couldn’t fathom the amount of ingenuity on the paper.

“What is this?” Nikko slowly asked. Disgust was written on his face and he was shaking his head at the piece of paper, “Creative writing class?”

Kyles casually looked away, Julia sighed and Miller began texting on his phone.

What? I thought I was supposed to write down my wants and thoughts?! What was this reaction, huh?

“Cerise, why are you so weird?” Yasmin asked in a repulsed manner, clearly she did not comprehend the amount of genius on my paper. “I should throw out all of your useless papers just to spite you and kill you in your sleep.”

“What? I don’t speak monkey.”

“You look like one.”

“Huh? What’s up with you? Who’s eating your banana?”

“Go back to the mountains, you… you monkey boss! What kind of suggestion is this? What are you, six? This is serious business, Cerise!”

“What? I was being serious. I’m always serious.”

“No, that was stupid! You’re always stupid!”

“Ah…” Miller nervously cleared his throat, “M-maybe you two…”

“Leave them,” I heard Julia sigh, “They have always been like this. Usually, they run out of things to say and end up making a competition or something.”

“Whatever.” I sniffed defiantly and folded my arms. “You’re just jealous because you can’t even write a better poem than me.”

“I thought we were supposed to be writing our suggestions, not poems…” Nikko darkly muttered.

“I so can,” Yasmin frowned at me, grabbing the nearest pen and paper.

“See?” I heard Julia mumble.

“Yeah right,” I looked at my nails.

“Hey guys,” Kyles began, “um, I think you’re getting a bit off – ”

Yasmin and I turned to Kyles and Kyles never finished his sentence.



“There!” Yasmin exclaimed as she slammed her paper down onto the desk.

I picked up the paper and read it aloud.

A Haiku, written by Yasmin Schiffer

I hate those little
Annoying assholes they must
Quickly leave our school.

Julia, Kyles and Miller stared. Nikko was too busy massaging his temples and mumbling to himself.

“What is this?” I asked as I flicked the paper away, “I asked for a poem. Not a… a… some prose.”

“Not all poems have to rhyme to be a poem,” Yasmin scowled at me as she picked up her paper.

“Yeah, but this isn’t a real poem, this is cheating.”

“Cheating? No it isn’t. You’re just saying that because I beat you – ”

“No, mine’s better,” I insisted, “because mine rhymes – so it automatically makes it better.”

“What? No. Mine is better because mine is more – ”

Nikko groaned. “Enough of this. None of us are getting any work done. And Cerise, stop being so distracting.”

“Oh my.” I chuckled to myself. “Are my good looks distracting you, Nikko?”

Nikko sent me a look of pure disgust. “No. Your incompetence is.”

“See?” Yasmin smiled. “Even Nikko agrees with me – ”

“I don’t. I find you both at the same level of incompetence.” Nikko glanced at our poems; his nose was wrinkled in disgust. “Anyway, what kind of poems are these?! They’re offensive and tacky and just… inconsiderate.”

“I thought they were pretty funny…” mumbled Kyles.

Nikko glared at Kyles.

“Uh, I mean, even though it hurt my feelings…” Kyles added and looked away.

Miller sighed. “Okay, obviously we’re going nowhere with all this planning. How about we just brainstorm some serious ideas,” Miller paused and everyone gave me a pointed look, “and we can go from there?”

I mentally groaned. It was recess. Recess. Why was I even doing schoolwork in recess?! Wasn’t this like some kind of detention or something? I quietly sighed sighed to myself. here was nothing I could do. Hello worst recess I’ve ever had.

While everyone was being serious, I could hear Nikko call me. “Cerise,” he whispered, “I need to talk to you.”

I continued writing my suggestions onto my piece of paper, not bothering to look up to him. I was on a roll. I didn’t need him distracting me. “You are.”

Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I had the feeling Nikko wasn’t impressed. “I mean privately.”

I looked up from my work and blinked at him. Why alone? Now?

“See me at lunch behind the school gardens.” He mumbled as he began to pack his things.

Wait, what? I stared at him.

“You better not forget.” He sighed and shook his head at me, “Although knowing you, you probably will.”

“Look Nikko,” I began, “I know how you feel about me and everything… And, well, it’s not about your face or anything, but I just don’t like – ”

“I’m not confessing to you, Cerise.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Then the bell rang and recess had ended. Dammit.