The Disease Called Men

Plan to live with your parents as long as possible – but aim to leave before you turn 39.

A snippet of Mrs Twiddles Diary on Cerise:
8:03 AM – She finally wakes up to get ready for school.
8:07 AM – Has breakfast – secretly eats Azure’s share when he is not looking.
5:45 PM – Takes her afternoon shower, instead of opera singing or bubblegum pop dancing, she tries to rap and and dance. Key word: Tries. She fails at it. Horribly. (The toothbrushes act/dance better than she)
10:27 PM – Goes to bed (but is pretending to sleep, so her brothers won’t disturb her or scold her while she is secretly watching movies or playing games on her laptop)



“Why the hell am I helping you.”

I shrunk back in my seat, ignoring the nagging Nikko as he carried my bags to his car.

Why was I in Nikko’s car? Why was Nikko carrying my bags? Why was Nikko complaining like a little child in desperate need of a nap (well, he always is, but still)? Time for a WHOOSH moment: Do you remember when my bald father thought I was ‘flirting’ with Nikko? Well, he thinks that QUOTE: ‘Nikko should take responsibility’ UNQUOTE.
WHOOSH.

Cue the forehead smack. Seriously, George, seriously. Just because your daughter was mock flirting with a boy does not mean she is bloody pregnant.

Also, just because you’re lazy does not mean you should shift the responsibility onto someone else. I mean, seriously, George. So what if the cost of fuel went up two cents? School was only a ten minute drive! How is being a School Principal of a prestigious school so time consuming, you couldn’t take your only daughter out and help her? How was this “President bonding time”? And why must we waste time together to “strengthen our relationship as Presidents”? Ugh!

“Aren’t you going to help?” Nikko grunted as he lugged another bag into the boot.

In the corner of my eye I caught my neighbour’s window curtains twitch. I have never met her personally, but I know Mrs Twiddles knows more about me than the bald man does. Sad, really. I caught her peeking through her windowsill. Yeah, I know what she’s thinking. She thinks I’m going to move in with my ‘boyfriend’. Ugh!

“Sorry, no can do, it’s too heavy,” I checked my nails and later add, “honey.”

In the corner of my eye I saw Mrs Twiddles’ window curtain twitch again. Can she hear me? Yes, she can and does. I bet you she even has a notebook to write down all the particular details.

“Don’t call me that,” Nikko cringed, “please.”

This time, we both caught Mrs Twiddles peek through her window. I waved.

Nikko groaned and looked at me. “Don’t tell me you do these things just to piss people.”

“Come on, drive already. I can’t wait for our honeymoon.”

Nikko glared at me after we caught Mrs Twiddles’ curtain twitch again.



Despite the fact I was in Nikko’s car, I was in a good mood. So I didn’t really care that I was grinning like a fool. It’s a Wednesday afternoon and I was officially moving out of my house! I’m going to dorm! I did a celebratory dance in my head.

Nikko frowned as he turned up the stereo, “Can you please stop that? People might think I know you.”

I looked at him in disbelief. We were in the same car. Of course people would think we knew each other. He’s lucky I was in too much of a good mood to retort, this marriage might end in tears if I did. I snorted at that thought.

“How cute,” Nikko grumbled as he indicated left to turn into the car park.



The door opened and I saw Yasmin. Ew.

Nikko and I were standing in front of my dorm room. Yasmin wrinkled her nose at me. “Oh, it’s you.” I frowned. She didn’t even move out of the doorway.

“Yeah, um. I kind of live here now,” I said as I tried to get inside the room. Yasmin still didn’t budge. Great. “So I need to get inside.”

Yasmin rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly. As if it was such a hassle for her to move five inches (for her, it probably was). “But why the hell is that here?”

I turned around. She was pointing at Nikko, my personal chauffeur and manservant. “That’s Nikko. Don’t you remember – ”

“Yes, I know what it is, Cerise.” Yasmin snapped, “I meant, he isn’t going to stay here is he?” She tapped her foot impatiently.

What’s with the pissy attitude? Seriously, these people are deflating my good mood. Want to play annoying? Fine by me. I’ll play annoying.

I smiled ever so sweetly. “Yeah, he is. He’s my husband.”

Nikko turned to me. “What the he – ”

“Sorry, sorry, my pet.” I reached out and ruffled his dark hair and feigned affection. Yuck, I need to wash my hands with a powerful steriliser after this.

Nikko’s cheeks went slightly red as he stuffed his hands in his pocket. After I ruffled his hair (which I did in a way to make sure his hair would get messy and tangled as much as possible) he shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. Dammit. My plan didn’t work.

Yasmin’s mouth dropped. Fun fact of the day about Yasmin: She’s gullible.

“Oh my god, Cerise!” Yasmin shrieked as she sent Nikko a look of pure disgust. That look was probably one of her most insulting looks. “Him?!” And judging Nikko’s reaction, I could tell he was extremely offended.

“What’s wrong with me?” Nikko asked, affronted.

“Oh, nothing. Nothing,” replied Yasmin as she gave him a slow and berating once over.

Nikko’s jaw clenched as he death-glared Yasmin. He didn’t turned even bother me to give his usual glare. He just mumbled something unintelligible and left. Just like that.

Yasmin and I watched him stalk off in a huff. Yasmin rolled her eyes, “Really, he’s so pissed now. Gosh, men are so pathetic and annoying. But mostly annoying.”

I nodded. I couldn’t agree more. But just to piss him off even more, I called out to him, frantically waving and blowing him air kisses. “Bye honey! I love you! Remember to be home by seven!”

Random students and some teachers stopped and stared at us.

Nikko’s face went red and replied not as affectionately.

“Dude,” I chuckled as the red-faced Nikko shook his fist at me, “he so wants me.”

Yasmin slowly blinked at me. “Oi loser, you weren’t serious when you said he’s staying here, were you?”

I raised an eyebrow at Yasmin. Really? She’d think that? “Why?”

“Because I hate those Brookfield boys,” Yasmin scrunched her nose, as if mentioning them deeply offended her, “and also, you’re not allowed to share dorms with a guy. Ew.”

Yeah, ew. But pissing off Yasmin was kind of fun now. So I smiled and replied nonchalantly, “Do you forget who my father is?”

Yasmin’s mouth dropped. “Holy shit. You’re serious. Well… I guess only you could get away with it…” She gave me a disgusted look. “But don’t you even know that there are only double beds?!”

Yes! I love double beds! I could never successfully sleep in a single bed for too long. I think I feel a good mood coming back. “Yeah, so?”

“Oh god.” Yasmin horrifically stared at me. “Um, okay. I never knew that about you.”

“Hmm? What?” I began to drag my suitcases towards the room. Dammit. Why couldn’t Nikko leave after he lugged my suitcases inside the room? What happened to our special President bonding time together?

“R-right, okay.” Yasmin immediately backed away. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you…”

I looked up at Yasmin. “What? You can’t believe all this time you didn’t see my charismatic charm? My incredible good looks? My – ”

“No.” Yasmin shot down. She stared at me for a second, before shaking her head at me, as if in disappointment. “Whatever,” She turned to leave, “just don’t come near me, you slut.”

What? ‘Slut’? Where did that come from?! Why am I one? And what’s wrong with being one, anyway?!

“Hey whale!”

She turned around, looking annoyed, “What now?”

“Do you want to help me with my bags?” I smiled innocently. I decided to waver the fact she called me a ‘slut’ for no apparent reason – I needed her monster strength.

She smiled in return. For a second, I think she – wait, no. Never mind. She quickly ran into the room and slammed the door.

Yeah, thanks Yasmin, thanks. “Yeah, you better get back into that water home of yours before you die from your own weight!”

I think I heard the door click.

Oh you sneaky whale, you. Bitch knew I forgot my dorm keys.