We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

Through the night all the guys, save for Matt, checked in on me. It was a little comical, they made sure they evenly spaced out their ‘visits’ to every hour or so. By the time Brian finally made his rounds, it was very late. How he knew I wasn’t asleep, I didn’t know. It was the first time in a while that I’d stayed up past three AM, and I was already feeling exhausted both from the day’s events and from the lack of sleep.

As soon as he pulled the curtain to my bunk back, I put my guard up. I distinctly remembered the way he had treated me the last time Matt and I had gotten into such a serious brawl as this, and I knew that he would take his best friend’s side over mine just as he had the last time.

For a few moments, we simply observed each other. I had no plans whatsoever of talking to him, because I knew he was just going to go back to Matt and repeat everything I said. At that thought, I was even beginning to get a little paranoid. What if Matt sent him back to talk to me?

No. Although I wouldn’t put it past him, I doubted Matt was that concerned over me at that moment, and I was willing to bet that he was just worried about calming himself down, let alone me.

“No one sent me here to talk to you.” He stated, his features only holding sympathy, which shocked me a little. To top it all off, I was wondering exactly how well he knew me, or if I was that predictable.

I didn’t move from my place, half lying down in my bunk with my shoulders propped up on a couple of pillows against the wall. Only when he motioned for me to move over did I look up at him, scrutinizing his face while I tried to detect any lies he may have been trying to tell me.

“Why?” I asked, my voice still slightly hoarse from my bout of screaming earlier.

He tried to decipher the meaning behind that simple word I’d spoken to him, and I wanted to roll my eyes. I just wanted to know why he even wanted to talk to me. After all, he had never done anything like this before. “Because...” He trailed off, and then let out a long sigh. “Just move over. We need to talk.”

Finally, I scoot over and took my pilled with me, scrunching them up and resting them between my knees as I pulled them up to my chest. Let me guess, I thought as he crawled into my bunk and sat beside me, he’s going to tell me to smarten up and listen to my father like he did last year. Suddenly, he laughed quietly, more than likely at the look on my face. “I know... I don’t do this often.”

I managed to crack a small smile, just so he would come off my case and get on with it. Slowly, I was coming to terms with what was happening. Syn was right, he didn’t do this often... or at all, and whatever he had to say must have been pretty damn important or else he wouldn’t have said anything at all.

Another few moments passed by painfully slowly, and I gripped my pillows a little tighter. I just wanted this night to be over with. This was so new for me, I didn’t know what to think. Not even last year with all of the Tyler drama did he talk to me alone like this, he had just dragged me home and yelled at me.

“Listen, Peanut, you should know that what Matt said, he didn’t mean any of it. And you know that you didn’t mean any of what you said to him, either. Okay,” He put his hands up defensively when I gave him a quizzical look. “Maybe you both meant some of it, but you know you shouldn’t have said any of it... at that exact moment.”

Letting out a sigh, I ran a hand down my face and curled farther into my pillows. What Brian was saying was right, but I refused to admit that out loud. I did however regret what I said to Matt but I just couldn’t help it. I had been overtaken with emotions when I was yelling at him, and I wish I could have just cooled off before I said all of that to him. “I—I know, Brian. I just—I couldn’t help it.”

Seemingly shocked that I’d actually replied to him, he gave me another sad smile. “I know Payton. But when you’re there, ready to chew into him, you just gotta calm down and realize that saying certain things isn’t going to make the situation any better."

“Jesus,” I muttered, finally locking my eyes with his. “When did you start making sense?” If I’d have known that he would be so rational, I would have talked to him a lot sooner.

He let out another chuckle, messing with the spikes of his hair while wearing a smirk on his face. “You just gotta talk to him normally. I bet he’s cooled off, so now’s your chance.”

However, at the mentioning of talking to Matt, anytime soon at least, I quickly grew panicked. It was too soon. I hadn’t even begun to think of what I was going to say to him, if anything at all. Who was to say that I even wanted to give him another chance? He’d pulled a pretty shitty stunt with Evan earlier tonight, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to forgive him.

Slowly, he removed the pillows from my lap and scooted closer to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I definitely wasn’t used to this Brian. “I don’t know why you’re so afraid of talking to him. You’re pretty much his life now Patey, and you’ve been through a lot together. I’m pretty sure you could tell him anything and he wouldn’t be shocked in the slightest.”

I was thankful how lightly he was going about this, when I was clearly on the verge of another breakdown right in front of him. If I were in his position, I’d have been scared shitless. Leaning my head against his shoulder, I waited for him to break the silence again. “Everyone on this bus loves you, whether you wanna believe it or not kid. We just want you to be happy—”

My bunk’s curtain was pulled back, somewhat abruptly, and I was shitting my pants when I saw Matt there, and I looked at Brian for help. I couldn’t face him yet. Not even blinking, Brian smiled at his best friend and climbed out of my bunk, patting Matt’s shoulder and muttering “good luck” as he left.

It had been cramped when Syn joined me in my bunks, but I could barely breathe when Matt climbed in, uninvited. I was practically shaking in apprehension. I definitely was not expecting him to confront me about everything so soon, at least, that was what I thought he was doing. And he didn’t looked half as angry as he had before, so I took that as a good sign even though I had no plans of talking to him at that moment.

Wringing his hands, for a split second Matt looked desperate and exhausted before he closed his eyes and sighed. “I was gonna wait until morning when everyone goes for breakfast at the next stop, and you know, sleep on it. But I realized that if I didn’t get this over with tonight, I wouldn’t even be getting any sleep tonight at all.”

I swallowed hard and licked my lips, not liking where this was going. I knew there was a lot, but what heavy stuff could he want to talk about at four AM? Even though I hadn’t even acknowledged him yet, I was listening... and almost willing to try and fix things between us.

“When was the last time...” He stopped himself, and I could tell he was contemplating bringing up whatever he wanted to talk about. “When was the last time you called me dad?”

Obviously, his question caught me off guard and I couldn’t just ignore it, instead I mumbled out an answer, picking at a loose thread on my bed sheet in unease. “A while ago...” I had no idea Matt thought about those sorts of things, that he worried over something as simple as me calling him ‘dad’, and I immediately felt remorse for not doing so over the past month or so.

“You’re going home.”

My eyes snapped to his when he said that, and I found myself wanting to spring up and out of my bunk as quickly as possible just to get away from this situation. “Matt—dad, no. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I can’t talk to you like a normal fucking person. But don’t send me home just because of that.” I pleaded, almost completely broken down. I was desperate then to fix this.

The thought of leaving all of my uncles on tour whittled me down until I had the attitude of a three year old that had just dropped her ice cream. I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t get to say goodbye to Evan or the rest of the boys of Wretched Remorse, either.

“I wasn’t finished,” He said after he put a hand up, silencing me. “You can’t be sneaking around with random boys I haven’t even had a conversation with yet. You’re fifteen Payton, you have no idea what kind of trouble there is out there.”

Just hearing the anguish in his voice, I almost cracked and spilled everything I’d been holding in over these past few months, all the suppressed emotions and the things I had been dying to talk about. Everything I had refused to even think about.

Instead I began crying, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t even try to hide my face as I usually would, this was what I had broken myself down to and I had to cry all of this out. If I couldn’t talk, all I could do was cry. Matt held his arms out for me, but I instantly shied away from him. I wasn’t ready to hug him yet, not after what had only just happened.

When I thought he was actually serious about sending me back to Huntington Beach, he looked at me as if he were about to cry, too. “I don’t know what else to do, Payton. You won’t talk to me, but maybe... maybe you’ll talk to Val or one of the girls. What about Dannii? At this point, even though it hurts, I don’t care who you talk to, as long as you say something you mean.”

Finally, I looked at him and wiped my eyes. I saw how much this was hurting him, I really did, and it just made me regret everything over the past few months. However, I was itching to say Evan, I could talk to Evan as if I did that sort of thing every day. But I knew that bringing him up then would not be the best idea... at all.

Thoughts, ideas began filling my head then, and I was sure Matt saw me beginning to crack. I chose my words very carefully, praying he wouldn’t pass judgment on me. “I’ve just... I’m just so used to keeping everything in. B—back home, last year, I only ever had to worry about telling mom and Tyler these things. I’m not used to having other people worry about me like this, dad.”

Of course I made sure to make use of the word ‘dad’ in that last sentence, I was afraid Matt would have blown his very last gasket had I not. But just explaining one of the reasons why I found such a simple thing as talking to him so hard, made me feel a little better. Before then, I hadn’t even really thought about it—until I just blurted it out, at least.

“Tyler.” Matt stated, staring straight ahead. It was obvious he wasn’t expecting my ex-best friend’s name to come up in this conversation.

“Yeah.”

Tyler and my mother were having a bigger part in this than I would ever be willing to admit. My mother, because she had been one of the two people I had been able to talk to, and then... she had left me. And Tyler... well, after he had betrayed me, I lost all trust I could put into anyone. As much as I tried, after that I couldn’t really ever place any in anyone else.

Somehow, I could never get my mind around why I couldn’t trust Matt. Sure, I may not have even thought of it until then... but he was my father. Was it because he had missed so much of my life so far? I honestly didn’t know. Over this past year, he had treated me so well though. I really shouldn’t have had any reason not to share my thoughts with him.

From the concentrated but hesitant look on my father’s face, I knew he was afraid to open his mouth because if he said the wrong thing, it would ruin the small bit of progress we had made in this conversation so far.

“Alright then,” He said, sighing. “I have no idea where that came from, and I’m trying my best to understand Patey. But you can’t give me one piece of the puzzle and expect me to figure the rest out.”

Think, think it through. I was able to get this far, to say this much, how could I elaborate? I couldn’t explain every part of the ‘puzzle’ like Matt wanted me to... but how could I give him another clue? In the end, I knew it would help us both. “It’s really hard... to, after the only people I trusted have either died or betrayed me, to let myself trust other people, dad. With everything I’ve been holding in.”

His eyes softened at the harshness in my tone, but it wasn’t directed toward him. It was more toward myself, and how angrily I had to spit it out to even get it out.

“I can see how hard this is for you, Payton. And I have an idea,” He reached down toward the bottom bunk, and moments later his hand appeared again, except this time it held a brown, leather-bound journal. He gingerly placed it on my lap, and I stared down at it with keen interest. “Well, it was Jimmy’s idea actually. We all... we all really think that if you can’t say what you feel... then maybe you can write what you feel.”

Understanding dawned on me then. Writing to Matt had been what Jimmy was hinting around about? I wanted to hit myself for being so slow. Would it be easier though? I would certainly have much more time to sort out my thoughts before sharing them with Matt, which is what I had needed these past few months. The idea seemed so perfect, so foolproof, that I was actually scared by it. A solution to almost all of my problems had literally been placed on my lap. Then, it was up to me whether or not I chose to go along with this.

“So, I’m giving you two choices,” Matt started, with a small, but still there, smile on his face. He must have seen the look in my eyes. “You write to me, about whatever you want. It can be like the things we used to talk about, or you can treat it as a real journal. As long as you don’t mind sharing it with me. And then... I’ll talk to you about it. But you don’t have to share anything more than what you write in it,” The way he had this so planned out, I wondered how long he had been thinking about doing this. “The other, is just... going back to Huntington.”

“I’ll do it.”

“You’ll do what?”

“I’ll write to you, I’ll use the journal. Okay?” I asked, and the hope in my tone could not be hidden.

As soon as I agreed, he quickly leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. “Thank you, Patey. Things are gonna get better okay? I’m sorry, too. For earlier tonight, even though I still don’t like the kid.”

Slowly, I nodded, accepting his apology. That was probably the best I was going to get out of him for quite a while, at least until I somehow managed to get him to warm up to Evan. “I’m sorry too. For the past few months.”

The feeling of hope never left my heart even after I pulled away from his hug. I could sense a change coming, and I knew that finally, it was going to be a good one.