We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

“Walk away, Luke,” I said slowly. “I’m not doing this with you today.”

I can’t do this with you today. Not now, not with Tyler dying in the hospital bed beside me. Not when I’d just sworn off conflict, drama and being angry. It wouldn’t have been fair to Tyler, to myself, or to anyone else.

He looked worse than Tyler, and much, much worse than the little I remembered of him. With his gaunt features and sunken in, lifeless eyes, he looked like a ghost trapped between this world and the next. His one hundred and forty pound frame looked bent and crooked, out of shape. I eyed the track marks on his arms, they looked fresh. And he looked completely out of his mind. As he noticed where my stare headed, he grinned. I began to wonder how he even made it this far into the hospital without being committed.

Luke, the guy I’d never even had a conversation with, and I hated him with everything I had. It may not have been healthy, but all along I think I might have been blaming all of this on him. To me, he was the cause of this.

“You know, it’s actually funny,” He rasped; it sounded as if he hadn’t had a drink of water in days. I braced myself for whatever blow he was about to lay on me. Because if he was capable of manipulating Tyler to this extent, then I could only imagine what he had to say about it. “I can remember—all along, you thought he was your best friend, when in reality… you were just following him around like a lost puppy.”

Not able to help myself, I advanced on him. It looked like the exact reaction he wanted out of me, but I knew better. “Listen, Luke. You might think you know what you’re talking about, but you don’t. You couldn’t be more wrong.” As I spoke, I poked his chest until he stumbled back, and landed straight against a wall. The action contrasted greatly to the coolness in my words.

Sure I might have needed Tyler a lot back then. But Tyler needed me, too. Out of everything I didn’t understand what went wrong in my friendship with Tyler, I knew that much was true.

“Excuse me,” I turned my head back to see who was talking to us. A nurse, and she looked worried. I backed away from Luke, not wanting to get into any trouble today. For once.

I breathed a sigh of relief when she smiled at me and went back to whatever business she was attending to in the ICU.

He abruptly let out a laugh, a cruel menacing sound that made my chest tighten with rage. What he said might have stung—more than I was willing to admit, but I wasn’t going to lay a hand on Luke today. But I sure as hell planned on showing him up, and proving that I was a bigger person than him.

I’m going to let this go today. It would be better in the long run, I could feel it. Today, as hard as it might feel, I couldn’t let my emotions get the best of me. I owed Tyler that much.

“Even before you left, all he was worried about was impressing everybody.”

That was a half-truth, and it hurt to know that Luke was aware of anything real that involved Tyler. Tyler didn’t want to impress anyone. No, he might have wanted to please as many people as he could, but at the end of the day he just wanted to be friends with everyone. I supposed he could have gotten carried away with that. He never had liked conflict… at least until Luke.

But I refused to tell him that. He didn’t deserve to know, not the real Tyler. The caring, loving guy that looked out for his friends no matter what.

I glanced back at the nurse again; who I’m sure was keeping an eye on the two of us every now and then. Truthfully, I was surprised she even put up with us this long. I shook my head, meeting Luke’s eyes. I felt more sure of what I was about to say than ever. “You’re not worth it.”

He looked surprised by my newfound self-control. Even I was, if I had to be honest. No more than thirty seconds ago I’d been focused on nothing but rearranging his face. This was a huge step for me.

Then, before I turned to leave, I looked back at Tyler one last time. I couldn’t bear to see him like this, here in a hospital bed. It’s not how I ever want to remember him. I wanted to remember him as the Tyler in all of the home videos I had stashed away at home back in Huntington Beach. From then on I wouldn’t avoid them as if I’d spontaneously combust upon watching them, I’d cherish them for what they were: memories. And they were the ones that could not be ruined.

Most of all I couldn’t blame him for anything that happened, not any more. Because it happened. It’s already done. It was fate. The outcome would have been the same, no matter what. There’s no use in me feeling guilty and wondering what I could have done different to change last year’s events, how I could have gotten my friend back.

You just have to play the cards Fate deals you.

This would be the last time I’d visit Tyler; I looked back at him, lying there motionless, dying. I’d said all that I could say, I hoped desperately that this image of him wouldn’t be how I remember him.

There was one thing I didn’t notice in that one glance back, and I don’t know whether I would be grateful or guilty for that fact.

Another mistake I made was turning my back on the drugged-out, crazy teenager. No more than a few seconds pass after I began to walk away—I’d only made it to the end of the hallway leading to the lobby where my family was waiting for me.

I should have expected this from Luke, but I can’t deny the fact that I was thrown for a curve ball. And an opportunity I couldn’t possibly pass up.

His footsteps were surprisingly silent down the hall, and I only heard him shout, “Bitch, don’t you fucking dare walk away from me,” before he grabbed me by the shoulder. I concealed the wince; there would be a bruise for sure. But I was ready. As soon as he whirled me around, I decked him straight in the face.

Quick and silent he may be, but Luke is still a frail junkie that probably has the body of a seventy year old. He crumpled to the floor the second my fist made contact with his face.

And I wasn’t even trying. I hadn’t been intent on hurting him—I doubted I dislocated his jaw or broke his nose similar to the times I’d taken it upon myself to beat someone up. I sure as hell felt better, though.

Nurses and doctors scattered, but most of them went for the Intensive Care Unit behind us. The only thing I could hear was ‘Code Blue’ over the loudspeaker, and then I felt myself being pulled away only then did I notice a nurse, sitting down by the dazed Luke still on the floor.

Good. As much as I would have enjoyed seeing him there on the floor for another few minutes, he needed help. He looked worse off than Tyler.

I saw Matt and Evan pushing the two security guards off of me and trying to usher me out of the hospital, but all I could focus on were two words.
Code Blue.

I’d watch enough cheesy, stupid medical drama TV shows to know what that meant. Someone had gone into cardiac arrest.

Don’t ask me how I knew, but I felt certain with every bone in my body. Tyler was dying. I knew what it was… I knew what was happening before I even saw the proof before my eyes.

“Patey, we need to get you out of here,” Matt had a hold of my elbow and was still trying to get me out of the hallway, but I didn’t budge. I grabbed onto Evan’s sleeve, looking toward him with frantic, desperate eyes.

“Tell me that’s not what I think it is. Please.”

They both flinched at my tone, the broken, quiet voice that barely made it past my lips.

I made a beeline around them, determined to see it for myself. If my best friend was going to die while I was here with him, I wasn’t going to just ignore it. Both Matt and Evan made a grab for me, and it was only thanks to my short, wiry stature that helped me evade them. I ducked under the security guards and made a dart back down the hall.

There was no hope in getting through the doors, so instead I plastered myself against the glass window, watching what I knew would be awaiting me.

Doctors stood around him, trying to revive him, trying to bring him back to life. To restart his heart. I was fitfully aware of constant, long beep of the heart monitor, and the continually wilting of the doctors’ faces as their hope died along with my best friend.

I was pulled away from the window and this time I didn’t resist. Matt pulled me into him for a hug, and I buried my face into my father’s chest. He was there for me right then at the moment I needed him most in life.

When my mother died Tyler was there for me and Matt wasn’t.

There’s nothing I can ever change about that, there’s no way Matt could ever make up for it.

But when Tyler left me, my father was there. And nothing could change that. And this time, I had a whole family by my side and a guy that only wanted the best for me. I would never be able to thank Evan enough for being here for me on that day, for us getting past this. For being together.

My best friend, Tyler Sterling, died at the age of seventeen from a heart attack.

This was going to haunt me for years to come, but I would be able to get through it.

I still have my family, but now I have a boyfriend and a whole new set of friends on top of that. No one can change that, not Luke or my best friend’s death. I’m here, after a year of turmoil and tragedy, and still somewhat in one piece.

And I still have my family.