Take Me There

Nick had successfully found the makeup and gave it to me, staying inside the bathroom for no apparent reason. We weren’t exactly cramped in there together, but it was odd… having him watch me put on my makeup. I knew Cass didn’t mind finishing her makeup in front of him, but she didn’t like to be seen without something on her face.

I was currently standing in front of the mirror, trying my best not to make that weird face as I put on the eyeliner. It wasn’t exactly needed, but I liked it. I had to like something. I could feel Nick’s eyes on me, staring me down like they had been for the past five minutes. He sat on the fluffy blue toilet cover, his elbows propped on the counter. His palms held his chin while his head stayed tilted, his foot tapping gently, reminding me of the seconds that passed. I tried to ignore him, tried to calm my double-thumping heart, but I failed. Sighing heavily, I dropped the pencil and turned to face him, my irritation becoming somewhat apparent. I didn’t need to be even more self-conscience than I already was.

“You know, you actually look better without all that stuff on your face,” he murmured lightly, his eyes thoughtful. I blinked in surprise.

“What stuff?”

“All that black stuff… eyeliner, you know?” he cleared his throat, leaning forward even more curiously. “And the eye shadow and the lipstick, and anything else you just put on.”

“Nick, I look horrible without it. How can you expect me to go out that way? I’m still a girl; I still worry about myself,” I blurted out, forgetting this was Nick, that this was the guy that held first place as my on-standing crush.

He bit his lip, trailing his deep eyes down to the off-white counter, his fingertips tracing over the smooth surface. “I just meant that, if the circumstances were different… you should know that you don’t need all that stuff to look beautiful. You have it naturally.”

I could feel my breath catch as his soft words sunk in, his eyes flickering to mine, showing me his sincerity along with his soft, friendly smile. I wanted to drop to the floor and ask him, beg him to tell me what more he could do to make me fall so hard for him. But I didn’t. I stayed strong in this situation--the only situation I could stay strong in--and inhaled deeply. I couldn’t, however, stop the blush from creeping onto my numb cheeks.

“Thanks,” I managed to choke, swiftly turning back to the mess I made on the counter. I didn’t bother looking at myself, I couldn’t look much better, but at least I felt that cover up. And I could always hide behind my hair.

Grabbing the bottles and tins and brushes, I shoved them back into the box carefully, snapping the lid on before handing it to Nick. He took the object with hesitation, biting his tongue from objecting to carrying the makeup case. I almost smiled. He sighed gently though and brushed past me, unaware of the shiver that ran down my spine. His hand grabbed the doorknob but I quickly spoke up.

“And thanks for letting me get dressed here, and for… helping me,” I cleared my throat, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. He kept his head ducked, as if he were ashamed of holding the foreign object, but tilted his head to face me. His eyes met mine, his gaze peering through his fallen curls, and his full lips stretched into that heartwarming smile.

“It’s no problem Jules.”

No one had ever told me that I was no problem before. It was hard to believe--I knew I was a burden--but it made me want to believe it. I smiled.

Sighing as he left me alone again, I grabbed my brush and pulled out my ponytail. Yanking the brush through harshly, I tried to comb through the knots the tie had created, but the bristles quickly got caught and I yelped. Pursing my lips, I pulled on the brush, only digging it farther into the knot. It was now that I felt like crying again. I wanted to cry over some stupid knot, but I knew that wasn’t the case. It was the pain… of everything. This simple action was setting me overboard once again and I exhaled deeply, sucking in a breath just as loudly. I jumped when the door hit my arm.

“Julissa, what are you doing?” Nick asked, concern filling his voice once his eyes settled on my distraught face. I could see our reflections through the corner of my eye and I cursed myself for being so easily upset. Where was my wall?

It was broken.

And who was this stranger stepping through? Throwing out all the rubble to make a new wall, but with him inside this time…

That stranger was Nick.

I shook my thoughts away and gulped, turning away from him like a child having a tantrum. I had witnessed Cass's tantrums and I always swore not to be such a brat. I guess I had lied to myself.

“Here-” he breathed, reaching out, but I quickly pulled away. He pursed his lips. Sighing again, he stepped inside and shut the door behind him like he had done before, reaching out his hand for me gently. “Don’t tug on it. Get the knot loose around it.”

I tried to do as he said, but my actions were hasty and only making it worse. I wanted to glare at him as he tried not to chuckle, his cheeks flushing red with his held back laughter. I could feel my own skin burning, but this was due to embarrassment.

“Just… let me do it,” he mumbled, gripping my wrist. I froze completely and allowed his hand to pull my arm down, waiting for him to let go. I counted the seconds that he held my hand to my side: 1, 2, 3, 4. Four seconds until I felt his thumb brush my skin gently, adding another three onto that. I gulped.

He lifted his hand finally and held the brush handle while the fingers on his other hand were busy at loosening the knot. I didn’t see how this would help and I kept shifting, but he didn’t say anything. Nick could be impatient, but never so quickly. I didn’t want him so close to me, messing with my hair when I could do that myself. He couldn’t fix everything.

“There,” he murmured, his voice holding that cocky tone. I reached my hand up, but there was no brush or knot.

Jerk.

I turned my head to see that victorious smile, the one that always led to Cass kissing him. I tried to push all the thoughts about his lips away and decided to thank him unenthusiastically, fixing the rest of my hair. But he stood there, rubbing the back of his neck for a moment, and then he set the brush down.

“It’s about time to go. You should probably head over,” he said softly. I knew he was referring to my mother’s request of riding with her. I nodded swiftly and grabbed my things, ready to push past Nick, but his hand caught my shoulder. I glanced up in alert, my wide eyes meeting his serious ones, but they told me to calm down. “Be careful.”

It was a simple request, but it tugged at my heart in numerous ways. I was angry at first, ready to push him away and storm out. I could take care of myself, no matter what he thought. I didn’t need his pity. But then I slowed down and figured he was more worried than anything. I wasn’t used to a friendship; I wasn’t used to anyone caring for me even in the slightest, not that I knew of anyway. But somehow Nick did. And somehow… somehow I knew he meant it.

“I will,” I managed softly, my voice a mere whisper before I made it out the door and down the hall. I bounded down the stairs, pausing to take in the silence. The videogame was turned off, Mrs. Jonas most likely somewhere deep inside the cool house. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued forward, reaching the door in a split second.

My eyes settled on my mother as she moved towards the car, her expression far from happy. I bolted across the street, holding my breath as her eyes focused on me. She didn’t say a word. She moved towards the driver’s side and slipped in, fumbling with the keys as I slid in next to her. I turned and placed my clothes in the backseat, knowing I’d have to take them out later. She didn’t like my things hanging around. But her beer cans were okay.

I bit my tongue.

She started up the car just as the Mrs. Jonas stepped out the door, her cell phone held against her ear while her curly hair cascaded around her. She still made sure that Frankie was right by her side though, her hand gripping his firmly despite his protests. I almost smiled. And then there was Nick, his button up shirt fitting his torso snugly as the bottom stayed loosely tucked in to his tight black jeans. This graduation wasn’t exactly formal-formal, seeing as he still wore his converse, but I knew everyone would look nice.

Cass would’ve looked nice.

I blinked in surprise as the car began to roll, the action almost slow as Nick glanced up, his soft eyes meeting mine. It took me a second to look away, my head facing forward as my mother glanced at me suspiciously. My heart rumbled.

The silence was stiff as I rode next to her, the wheels against the street being the only noise I could focus on. Many cars were out, all of them driving in the same direction. I could just picture Cass, her blond locks hanging gently as she smiled with her bright red lips, her popping blue eyes lit with excitement as she received her diploma and gave her speech. I was aware that they had chosen the runner-up to fill in, her absence at school well known and dreaded. I was tired of them asking me where she was, tired of being the leash around her neck. Everywhere I went I pulled Cass with me, her name just being a constant syllable with mine. No one knew of Julissa. They knew of Julissa Lane, Cassandra’s little sister.

It was that instant, that moment that I felt a cool breeze fly threw the cracked window, that I knew that wouldn’t be anymore. In the back of my mind, I knew time worked in mysterious ways--time worked with fate. I just didn’t know how this was relevant to me, how it held Cass. Maybe I was insane, but somehow I knew my sister wasn’t okay and I didn’t know what to feel. I was blank.

“You’re getting awfully friendly with Nicholas, don’t you think?” mom’s dry voice suddenly sounded, her blank eyes staring out at the road. I blinked, swallowing hard.

“I don’t know,” I answered slowly, but not too slow in fear of having her repeat her question.

“Don’t you think you should tell me where your sister is Julissa?” she asked then, her fingers twisting around the wheel as she slowed the car. I bit my lip.

“I don’t know where she is.” My voice failed me. She glanced over quickly, her eyes saying she wasn’t in the mood to play games. Neither was I.

“She’s your sister Julissa.”

“And you’re her mother. If anything I would think you should know.” I didn’t see the wrong in my sentence until the words escaped my lips quickly, the fear I had developed for her flooding back. She didn’t give me that hard glance, or I didn’t have time to see it. Her palm made contact with my face swiftly, but I bit back the gasp of pain. She stared ahead at the road, adding pressure to the gas once the cars started to move again. This was a game for her, a game to see who the weakest player was.

It was me. It was always me.

I held my breath the rest of the car ride, my eyes scanning every possible sight, but I knew them all. When the cars began to turn into the familiar school parking lot, I began to breathe again, practically bolting through the door before she was even finished parking. It wasn’t long before I recognized Mrs. Jonas’ car. I glanced back to see her lips moving, her head tilted slightly towards the back where Frankie sat. Nick stared out the window, almost like a statue, his head only turning once the car did stop. He was ready to exit the car but his head slowly turned, his eyes meeting my gaze again. His face was hard and I wondered if I were crying. Reaching my hand up, I quickly dabbed around my eyes, biting my lip once I realized what I had done. He knew.

Mom slowly stepped to my side, motioning me forward without a word. I tore my gaze away from Nick quickly and began to move with the crowds of people, hoping I would get separated from her somehow. But she was like an unwanted insect, buzzing around me until I snapped. And then she’d sting me, or bite me--either one fit for her.

I slipped through the crowds, turning my head to glance around. I spotted all the graduates in one corner, some already getting pictures with parents and friends. I could see all the seats being filled already, the light breeze giving enough air for so many people. A few shoulders jabbed me and I winced, quickly moving out of the way. I bit my lip and stood by the side of the building, quickly taking a look around. No Cass. I was beginning to lose hope.

I felt a hand on my arm suddenly and I gasped, turning around with wide eyes. My eyes settled on a serious Nick, his lips twitching up slightly, timidly apologizing for my fright. I gulped.

“Are you okay?” he murmured, though it was hard to hear over the sudden noise. I nodded quickly, trying my best to convince him, but his eyes were focused on my cheek instead. I held my breath as his hand released his grip, his fingertips touching the burning spot on my cheek. “It’s red,” he noted, though he couldn’t do anything about it. I simply shrugged, not knowing what else to do. He couldn’t fix everything.

He dropped his hand and turned his head, my eyes meeting Mrs. Jonas.’ She eyes us questioningly but smiled nonetheless. Frankie smiled widely at me but kept walking, motioning for Nick when he was done.

“You better go,” I mumbled, quickly turning away for a second glance. Still no Cass. “Did you… talk to her since then?” I whispered softly, refusing to turn around.

“No,” he whispered sorrowfully knowing I hadn’t either. I could feel his presence for another moment before he passed me, gracefully strolling away, weaving in and out of the crowds to catch up to his mom and brother. Nick had a lot of senior friends, so I knew this interested him. I on the other hand…I just wanted to go home.

Taking a deep breath, I spotted my mom sitting on the corner, talking to Samantha’s mom. I groaned. Slowly making my way over, I mumbled apologies to those I bumped into, keeping my face away from their glares. Plopping myself down, I offered a soft smile to her mom and turned away before either of them could speak to me.

[T I M E]

We sat there for a while, the time passing by slowly. It was like a test to see if Cass would show and even after the first thirty minutes, I found myself still hoping. That was the stupid part of me again, the part that just couldn’t let go. I just wanted to see her, to hear her voice, to know that she was okay. I missed her and I knew I was being selfish again, but if she had come back, I wouldn’t be so caught up with Nick.

Licking my dry lips, I shut my eyes and let the cool breeze tickle my face and swirl my hair around, the noises of all the claps and cheers beginning once the first speaker was through. The next one stepped up and smiled at everyone, clearing his throat as silence took over again. He began talking about things that had no appeal to me, things that only ever interested Cass. It was then that I smiled, remembering seeing the new stamps out. I had contemplated getting them for her, for when she came home, but I hadn’t for some reason. I frowned again.

I jumped slightly, my eyes widening as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I glanced over at my irritated mother and blushed, quickly mumbling an apology before pulling it out of my pocket. I was aware that it was rude, but I was also aware that it could be important. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I opened the text and allowed my eyes to scan over the words.

Where you at?

It was from Nick. I didn’t understand why that simple question brought such a stupid smile to my ace, even though it was small, but I quickly replied back with my location: by the edge of the bleachers. It wasn’t a moment later before he replied.

Meet me under them.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and read the text over two times, sitting up a little straighter. My eyes immediately darted around, trying to spot a head of curly hair moving, but I couldn’t see anything. Sighing, I slowly stood and passed in front of my mom, biting my lip once her hand gripped my wrist.

“Where are you going?” she hissed, even angrier that Cass hadn’t shown.

“To the bathroom,” I whispered softly, freeing my wrist almost immediately. She gave me a stern look but didn’t say anything, allowing me to pass fully. I glanced behind myself as I turned, making sure no one was watching me. She wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that I wasn’t going towards the side doors of the building that sat at an angle not even 6 feet away. I ducked underneath the bleachers instead, looking out for any spiders.

It took my eyes a moment to adjust to the surrounding darkness and I crouched some, slowly moving farther in. I stopped after a second, a noise making me alert. I didn’t want the bleachers to cave in suddenly and smash me.

“Jules,” that familiar soft voice whispered and I immediately relaxed. I could hear him move towards me, his fingertips brushing my arm. I rolled my eyes, setting my hand on his, but it was only so he knew where I was.

Sure.

“Why’d you ask me to meet you under here?” I asked quickly, taking my time to pull back my hand. My eyes focused on his face, the corners of his lips twitched up into a smile.

“I figured you were as bored as I was.” Even in the darkness I could see him shrug. “Come on,” he quickly whispered, slowly moving away from me. I shot my hand out and allowed my fingers to curl around my wrist. I didn’t know why they decided to slide down though and touch his palm. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out, my eyes being too focused on the dark. I could suddenly see my hand though and I noticed his slide farther down in my grasp, twisting it around. His wrist twisted until his warm palm pressed flat against mine, lacing our fingers together. It had happened once before, in the back of the trick, but it felt so new. I gulped.

He gave me a small tug, leading me forward. I heard him whisper a “watch your step” and I could see him lift his leg, sliding through the rails. I followed his lead, careful not to bump my knee, and continued to let him pull me. I could see the beams of fading light through the slits in the bleachers as we continued on, moving through another rail before he paused. The building was right there, the side doors calling our names. Before I cold protest he pulled forward, swiftly pushing through the doors and into the stuffy building, my hand still in his. The air was silent as the doors shut, the hallways completely empty. I took a moment to look at Nick, slowly sliding my hand out of his. I thought I saw that familiar tint fade onto his cheeks, but he moved ahead before I could double check.

“Where are we going?” I whispered, though it was useless considering that there was no one inside. He turned the corner quickly, nodding towards the familiar exit.

“Courtyard.”

I almost smiled.

He pushed open the doors, the air hitting us once again, and led the way to my favorite place. The bushes surrounded the area nicely, the fading sky adding to the scene, and I could smell the summer flowers in the air. Everything seemed silent and peaceful, not a thing out of place as we made our way to the stone bench. He glanced over at me for a second before sitting down, stretching out his legs. He dug the heels of his converse into the dirt, rolling his foot over the tiny pebbles. I sat myself down next to him, breathing in the fresh air, and turned my head, allowing my eyes to dance over the side of his face. I smiled as I spotted those familiar freckles, his thick lashes sticking together as his eyes closed. His full lips pouted out slightly and his chest slowly pulled in as he sucked in a slow breath.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” his soft voice rang suddenly, full of curiosity. I glanced at him nervously, swallowing as he stared with his soft chocolate eyes.

“No,” I answered slowly, shaking my head. I bit my lip. “Have you?” I realized that was a stupid question; I had seen him kiss my sister countless times. He chuckled lightly. “I mean, other than Cass,” I quickly elaborated. He sighed.

I watched him turn his head, his face glowing dim in the setting sun, the distant claps and echoes from the graduation managing to break into my peaceful environment. I ignored them.

“No,” he answered finally, adding a small shake of his head, his curls swaying. He pulled his leg up to rest onto the bench, his fingers picking at the fabric that covered his knee as if it were strings on a guitar.

Silence took over once again, a few more claps ringing through my ears as I stared straight ahead at the large trees. The street was bare, from what I could see through the bushes, and the courtyard was more than peaceful. I sighed lightly, a chill coursing through me as I felt that familiar gaze. Tilting my head, I caught a glimpse of Nick’s emotionless face before my hair fell around me like a curtain, the new stinging on me cheek not as bad as just moments ago.

I held my breath as his hand lifted, gently brushing away my hair. His fingertips touched my jaw with each movement, my lips parting involuntarily. His eyes fluttered as if his mind was reeling, and he slid his hand to grab a hold of my neck. I didn’t register the fact that his face was getting closer. I didn’t pay attention to his sweet breath fanning across my face, the scent holding peppermint. I didn’t take in the way his thumb brushed against the skin on my neck, or the shiver that followed without my approval. I didn’t realize the closeness of his face until his nose touched mine, his eyes burning me with their intensity. And I certainly didn’t know the feelings in the pit of my stomach until he tilted his head, moving his chin forward until his lips touched mine.

His lips sat there, unmoving as his eyes bore into mine. I couldn’t move; it was as if I were locked in place, but it felt almost willingly. I saw a quick flash take over his eyes before they closed, his lips twitching against my own awkwardly. His breath fell out in a quick gush, passing through my parted lips. It was cool against my tongue. My heart picked up suddenly, but my body refused to move, even after his lips slowly began to spread against mine. It finally dawned on me: Nick was kissing me. It was slow and careful, his soft lips pressing against mine timidly. I sat there dumbly, though not feeling quite as embarrassed considering his tense form. He knew it was… strange.

It took me a moment, his lips almost prodding mine, urging me to kiss him back so nervously before I finally registered the feelings bubbling up inside. My lips began to move, so slowly that they almost ached against his, and I wondered if it were right. But then I knew it wasn’t right.

Nick was Cass’s boyfriend.

But Nick was now kissing me, his body still tense, mine still awkward, and I was kissing him. And I couldn’t deny the way it felt, that it was what I always thought it would be: somehow perfect through all the awkwardness. I couldn’t tell him how many times I had embarrassingly dreamed of this moment--I could hardly even move. My lips continued they’re slow twitches, my eyebrows knitting together as he stayed set against me, his hand sliding down to my back. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, his fingers curling around my shirt like it were some safety blanket, and I finally regained sense above the sparks and unnatural butterflies that had found their way to me.

Nick was kissing me because Cass was gone, because, like I, he somehow knew things would never be the same. Nick was kissing me because he was confused, because he pitied the girl who depended on her perfect sister and was abused by her mother, unwanted everywhere else.

Nick was kissing me because he had to, not because he wanted to.

And I almost had to ask myself if I cared. Almost.

I turned my head to the side quickly, his still, soft lips brushing against my cheek, and a gush of air fell out of my open lips. Pursing them tightly, I blinked back the tears that threatened to escape and stared up into the darkening sky, the orange color fading slowly along with the sun. I tried to calm my shaking hands by gripping the stone bench, shutting my eyes tight once I realized that his lips were still pressed against my skin, his body stuck there. I could feel his slow breathing and I wondered if his heart was beating just as fast as mine.

I doubted it.

“I-I’m sorry Jules,” he swallowed, his voice a mere whisper in the breeze. His breath contrasted from the cool air, sending Goosebumps to form over my body as it hit my skin. “I didn’t…” but he didn’t finish. I wanted him to finish.

But somehow I found it okay. I found the apology acceptable and even more shamefully, the kiss. Feeling my cheeks burn with an instant blush, I slowly nodded, almost purposefully because I knew he was still sitting there, his lips to my cheek, and I liked the feeling that they brought as they brushed against my skin.

“Um,” he mumbled shortly, finally pulling away. His hand slid down my back, the thin shirt blocking his real touch, and I blocked my thoughts the same way. He rubbed the back of his neck, like he always did when he was nervous, and he turned his head to face the sky. He couldn’t hide the faint blush on his cheeks and I couldn’t hide mine.

Neither of us spoke after that, though the air became somewhat comfortable. We were silent as all the noise started up again, footsteps echoing through the parking lot along with the meaningless chatter, and I knew that Cass had never showed. I was alone.

But then I glanced over at Nick, that same friendly smile blanketing his lips, and I knew that wasn’t true. I had Nick, and now I knew that for sure.