Take Me There

I was 5 years old when I first saw Disney’s Tarzan. We had been in the house for a few months and had already made friends with the Jonas family. Mom and Dad, in their happy state, had went on a shopping trip and left Cass in charge of me… at only 9 years old. She had made sure that I stayed inside the house at all times, but didn’t really care what I did. She gave me her Barbie’s to play with, but I threw them back at her and cried because I didn’t want to be alone with her.

It was as if my prayers were answered when a knock on the door sounded and Cass, being the overly-friendly person she was, decided to open the door wide without even trying to reach the peephole--or even looking through the window. I sat on the fresh carpet and stared towards the door, knowing full well who the three boys in our doorway were. Kevin was 12, Joe was 10, and Nick was 7, and they came right in, looking around. They mentioned something about going outside, to which Cass had originally agreed. I couldn’t protest--I was 5 years old but I didn’t like talking.

I remembered Cass agreeing with Kevin and Joe about what they should go do, but Nick stayed silent as he stood next to his brother’s. He was shorter than them naturally, and just smaller overall, but he had that serious face, even with his baby cheeks. Even at 5 years old I knew that the 7 year old boy thought it was wrong.

“Come on. We’ll go to the park!” Joe grinned, grabbing Cass’s arm.

It was different then. Cass was only a year younger than Joe, so naturally they thought they’d get along the best. Joe hadn’t even paid attention to me; none of them had.

Kevin and Joe ran towards the door with Cass and I watched Nick follow slowly from my spot on the floor, my wide eyes staring after them in fear. I didn’t want to be alone, not even then, and I almost started crying. I remembered my tiny hands balling up into fists while my bottom lip quivered, but I didn’t make a sound. But Nick stopped suddenly, almost as if he could feel my eyes on him, and he turned his body.

“Hey, wait-” he spoke softly, his high voice soothing even then. Joe, Kevin, and Cass stopped in their tracks, waiting for Nick. His eyes never left me. “What about your sister?”

It occurred to me that Nick had forgotten my name. He hadn’t forgotten Cass’s name, but I was only 5. I didn’t care then though. All I cared about was that he had remembered and that I wasn’t going to be alone.

But since Cass was 9 and she didn’t like dragging her “baby sister” everywhere she went, she let out a whine and crossed her arms. Even then I knew it meant that I should just stay there and wait for Mom and Dad to get home. I didn’t want to ruin Cass’s fun, the Jonas boys’ fun.

“Uhh,” Joe spoke nervously, shifting his weight as he stared at me. His eyes seemed to flicker and he smiled suddenly, his whole expression softening. He stepped towards Nick, his height seeming to tower from my low spot on the ground. “Can’t she come too? Please!?” He was begging, jumping up and down. I cocked my head and watched him jump on Nick, his face scrunching up as he fell over like a stick.

And I giggled.

The three boys paused suddenly, all of them staring at me now. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t made a noise since I had met them, that they probably thought I couldn’t speak or make a sound, but I had just laughed at the display in front of me and Joe smiled even wider.

“Get off me!” Nick shrieked, squirming underneath his brother. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Joe!” Kevin scolded, running over to his younger brothers. He pulled Joe off successfully and helped Nick up, though he slapped his hand away.

“Why are you even asking me if she can come?” he muttered, stepping away from the two warily. Joe sighed.

“Because you’re closer to her age, stupid!” Joe raised his voice, setting his hands on his hips.

“So!” Nick shouted back, mirroring his older brother.

“You’re a shrimp,” Joe laughed, smirking as his little brother shot him daggers.

“Well you’re an idiot with a big head, four eyes!” Nick shouted back, but Kevin cut in.

“Hey!” he whined, adjusting his glasses. Nick blushed.

And I giggled again. They all turned to stare at me again, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying whatever it was they were doing and I couldn’t stop smiling now.

“Well, I’m bringing her!” Joe stated loudly, trying to hold authority in his voice, or boast like I was some prize dog that he got to be seen with.

“Fine, but you’re watching her!” Kevin said back loudly, crossing his arms. I smiled as Joe hurried forward, quickly bending down to pull me into his arms. He grunted a little, but managed to stay upright as he carried me forward. Nick rolled his eyes.

“If we’re going to the park then she’s gonna’ need shoes!” Joe huffed.

“Cass, she’s your sister! Where are her shoes?”

But Cass didn’t tell him. She glanced at me and sighed, the guilty expression that I had been accustomed to now covering her features.

“Maybe we shouldn’t go guys…I’m supposed to watch her until mom and dad get back.”

“Awe, please!” Joe proceeded to whine, shifting me in his arms as I squirmed. Nick began to stare at me suddenly, as if he were watching to make sure I wasn’t going to ask him to hold me. Or if he just liked to stare. I didn’t understand; I still didn’t.

“Why do you want her to come so bad? You have a crush on a 5 year old?” Nick snorted suddenly, his eyes flickering from mine to Joe’s. He scoffed.

[/“I’m not the one who’s always staring at her. Cradle robber!” I didn’t understand anything they were saying in their argument, but I knew Nick didn’t like it by the way his cheeks flushed a bright red color.

“EW!” he shrieked, covering his face with his hands. “Kevin, what does cradle robber mean?” Nick then asked, his voice a little softer as he looked to eldest brother for answers. Kevin sighed.

“Ha! You don’t even know what it means. Nicky likes Julissa, Nicky likes Julissa!” he grinned, jumping up and down. I bounced in his arms, my eyes wide as I took in my surroundings, smiling as he stuck his tongue out at Nick.

“That’s gross!”

“Joe! You don’t even know what cradle robber means, doofus!” Kevin mumbled, trying his best to keep his brothers in line, though he was laughing himself. Joe furrowed his eyebrows.

“Then what does it mean?”

“It means that you like someone younger than you,” he said smartly, his proud smile taking over. I had no clue what was going on, but Cass was getting irritated.

“I knew that!” Joe rolled his eyes. He pushed Nick suddenly, his smile reappearing. “Nicky’s a cradle robber!”

“No!” Nick shouted, stomping his foot. He leaned over and smacked Joe’s arm, though I found it to be somewhat careful so I didn’t fall, and Joe whined. “Girls have cooties Joseph.”

“Guys, come on!” Kevin sighed, pulling me out of Joe’s arms. He pouted. “Cass is right. We should just stay here…”

“You’re no fun,” Joe grumbled, sticking his tongue out at his older brother, but Nick sighed with relief.

“We can play hide-and-seek or something?” Cass suggested. I glanced up at her in confusion and rubbed my eyes, squeaking as Joe picked me up again.

“Me and Julissa are it!”

I didn’t know why I remembered that so easily, but it was memory I couldn’t forget. The best part of that day was when mom and dad came home. They weren’t even mad about the boys being over; they even invited Mr. and Mrs. Jonas over to watch the new Disney movie they had bought for Cass and me: Tarzan. Cass, Kevin, and Joe took up the loveseat, pulling at the bowl of popcorn and arguing about where it should stay while the parents took up the couch. That left the floor to me and Nick. I remembered glancing over at him curiously, trying my hardest to take in anything about him, but he scooted away. He didn’t know how to act around me; he wasn’t outgoing like Joe or Kevin.

Halfway through the movie Cass slid off the couch and allowed Nick to sit in her spot, her smile now present as she pulled me onto her lap. She asked me if I liked the music in this movie and I smiled and nodded, hoping that she’d stay long enough for me to fall asleep. But she got up soon after and made her way down the hall, leaving me alone on the floor. I could feel someone else slide down and I looked over quickly, staring at the small boy’s nervous smile.

“You like music?” he whispered, his tone soft and curious. Any hint of anger from the previous argument was gone. I nodded slowly.

Nick didn’t say anything after that, but he stayed by my side. He watched me sometimes, analyzing the behavior of a five year old, and he occasionally glared at Joe who would kick his back playfully. But then, just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a song that made me want to smile, I didn’t understand it then, but I liked the way it sounded and I wiggled a little, moving to lie on my stomach.

You’ll Be in My Heart. That was the song.

Memories seemed to be flooding my mind all at once.

My eyes fluttered open as the warm sun caressed my face, and I was confused for a second. I twisted my head around and sat myself up slowly, digging my hands into the dry grass that surrounded me. Had I fallen asleep outside? Was it morning? I scrunched up my face in confusion and twisted my body around, my eyes settling on the Jonas house just feet away. And then I remembered. I had come out here thinking, falling asleep to the sound of a guitar.

I raised myself up slowly and looked around, brushing all the dirt off my hands. I knew what I wanted to do… and I almost smiled.

[T I M E]

I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing when my feet decided to take me across the street. I tightened my grip on the paper I was holding, locking my gaze on the street below me. It was warm out again, but the air was cool and I could stand to be in clothing that had more coverage. My shoes squished across the grass and I slowed my pace down, the nerves coming back. What was I doing? Without thinking, my hand balled up into a fist and raised itself to knock on the familiar door.

I stood there for a moment just thinking; was he going to answer the door? Was anyone going to? I chewed on my lip for a moment, tracing my fingers over the thin paper. I placed a few strands of hair behind my ear and glanced to my side, squinting. A few kids were playing in the empty field, passing footballs around. Nick wasn’t one of them.

The door opened suddenly and I straightened up, my nerves coming back and then adding when I saw who it was. Mrs. Jonas stood in front of me, her usual curly hair pinned back, and a smile pulled at her lips. Her eyes were warm, like always, but they held concern and I knew that she wanted to ask about my mom. I smiled back genuinely, hoping she’d see that I was okay, that I wasn’t hurt.

“Julissa, how are you?” she asked softly, ignoring my gesture. I sighed.

“I’m fine.” She nodded slowly, sighing lightly herself. “I’m, uh, sorry to bother you… but is, uh,” I struggled, suddenly feeling like my mouth was full of cotton. I was always so used to asking if Joe was home. “Is Nick home?” She blinked, but only in slight surprise, and nodded slowly.

“Up in his room.” She opened the door wider and allowed me in with another soft smile and I made my way towards the stairs, ignoring the loud crashing noises of the videogame down the hall.

I took each step slowly, pacing myself for what was to come. Would he tell me to leave? Would he say he hated me too? I shook my head at the thoughts; Nick wasn’t like that. Inhaling deeply, I turned and let my eyes scan over the doors, immediately remembering his. It was closed, silence taking over the hallway, and I gulped. This didn’t have to be scary, though I didn’t even have to be here. Pushing myself forward again, I knocked on the door carefully, holding my breath as I waited for some answer. I heard muffled footsteps before the lock clicked, the door slowly opening to reveal Nick. His eyes widened a bit at the sight of me, his thin eyebrows rising up as if to say “what are you doing here?” His lips stayed in a fine line, though they parted as he sighed, and he rand a hand through his ruffled curls.

“Julissa,” he murmured, his tone holding a partial knowing, though it was still confused. I held my lips together for a moment, glancing away as I spoke.

“Why are you inside?” He furrowed his eyebrows at my blurted question, tilting his head a little. “I-I mean, it is summer… You should be out… having fun.” Stupid Julissa.

“I’m grounded,” he announced, his face dropping some. I was surprised; Nick was never in trouble. Nick was the golden child.

“Why?” I didn’t hide the shock in my voice and I swore I saw his lips twitch up some.

“For not telling my mom about you…for not telling anyone what was happening to you.” His voice was quieter now, almost a whisper as he looked down nervously.

“But it’s my fault. I told you not to… you were only doing what I asked-”

“But it was wrong,” he interrupted, looking up at me through a few curls. “I should’ve told somebody anyway.”

“But… you didn’t,” I breathed, keeping his gaze for a moment. “So, thank you. It… it means that I can trust you.”

He studied me for a moment, his figure straightening as he leaned against the door. His chocolate eyes sparkled suddenly and I lost my breath as he gave me that sideways smile.

“I thought you hated me.”

“I didn’t mean that. You… you should have known that.” I tried to keep my voice strong, but it was so easy to be taken under by Nick’s charm, whether he knew he used it or not. He studied me for another second, his face becoming serious.

“But I didn’t,” he whispered, his deep eyes connecting with mine again. “I never know with you Julissa. Never.” I could feel the deepness in his voice, another meaning in his words piquing my interest. I bit my lip for the thousandth time and looked away quickly, the sheet of paper catching my eye.

“Here-” I mumbled, thrusting the paper up. My hand hit his chest, the paper crumpling some as I held it against his shirt. He looked down, his expression slightly surprise, and he looked at me in confusion.

“What’s…?”

“Tarzan,” I blurted out, holding my breath as he watched my curiously. I didn’t take my hand off his chest and he didn’t move it. “I, uh, I remember when we first watched Tarzan. And the song…” He nodded his head slowly as I trailed off, lifting his hand up to his chest. He gripped the paper gently, his fingertips slowly sliding over my hand, and I pulled back with a shiver. “I wrote the lyrics down… I heard you playing and I thought that, maybe if you got bored you could give that a try.” I knew it was a stupid idea, and I knew that I probably came here just to see him, but he didn’t know that.

He studied the paper, his eyebrows pulling together as he thought. He glanced back up at me suddenly, a sweet smile covering his lips, his eyes full of wonder.

“Will you sing it with me?”

I stared at him for a moment, hoping my mouth wasn’t hanging open at what I just heard. Of course I wanted to stay to listen to him sing, but I didn’t actually want to join in. I shook my head nervously and he chuckled, propping himself against the door frame again.

“Why not?”

“I’m not very good,” my voice cracked, my nerves coming back again. He shook his head.

“Come on.” I almost gasped as his hand slipped into mine, his warmth washing over me immediately. He tugged me forward gently, his fingers lacing with mine almost sneakily, and he pushed the door shut behind him. My heart was thudding against my rib cage and I almost thought he could hear it; I wouldn’t put it past him.

He led me over to the window seat, picking up his guitar on the way, and he plopped himself down… still not letting go of my hand. I stared at him blankly, my cheeks flushing as he nodded towards the spot in front of him. His hand slid out of mine slowly and I almost jumped forward to grab it again. Almost. My body slid down onto the seat, my eyes scanning the front yard through the clear window while I pulled my legs up. Our shoes were hitting each other but he didn’t move. He started tuning his guitar, giving me a few glances in between, and I knew I was still blushing.

“I’ll start,” he said softly, strumming a bit to get the tune. I was surprised he even remembered it. “But you can jump in at any time.” I nodded weakly, listening to him as he began to play.

“Come stop your crying, it will be alright. Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you… I will be here, don’t you cry.” I swallowed hard, my eyes refusing to take anything but him in. He stared back at me, his eyes prodding me, like he was trying to say he meant the words he was singing. “For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you; keep you safe and warm…

“This bond between us can’t be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry…” I sang along. Though my voice was quiet, it mixed with his, and he smiled.

“Cause you’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more…

“You’ll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You’ll be here in my heart, always…”

I was nervous, but I could feel it slowly disappearing as he continued to strum, his eyes soft and warm as they locked on me.

“Why can’t they understand the way we feel?” he smiled suddenly, urging me with him. “They just don’t trust what they can’t explain…

“I know we’re different, but, deep inside us… we’re not that different at all.”

“Come on,” he whispered.

“Cause you’ll be in my heart, yes you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more…”

I found myself smiling suddenly, the two of us laughing as he continued to strum, muttering something about his tuning being off.

“Don’t listen to them, cause what do they know? We need each other, to have and to hold.

“They’ll see in time… I know.” He smiled that sweet smile again, his eyebrows shooting up at my voice.

“When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on.

“They’ll see in time, I know. We’ll show them together, cause-- you’ll be in my heart. Believe me; you’ll be in my heart.

“I’ll be there from this day on, now and forever more. Oh, you’ll be in my heart. No matter what they say. You’ll be in my heart… always. Always. I’ll be with you. I’ll be there for you always, always and always.

“Just look over your shoulder. Just look over your shoulder…” we sang softly, his eyes never leaving mine. “Just look over your shoulder. I’ll be there always…”

Both of us were smiling by the time he finished, the creases by his mouth only making him look even more adorable. I looked down at my hands quickly, giving a short air laugh. Being alone with Nick made me nervous, but it made me forget about everything else.

“You know I’ll always be here Jules,” he murmured, his voice a mere whisper. I nodded weakly and continued to stare down at my lap, nibbling on my bottom lip. I felt myself almost freeze as his hand came into my view, his fingers slowly curling around my own. My hand stayed limp until he held it loosely, his fingers gripping mine a little tighter as he pulled our connected hands to set between us. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“It was hardly yelling,’ I laughed despite myself, glancing over at him quickly. He smiled.

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know,” I breathed, keeping my gaze on anything but him. His thumb rubbed my hand lightly, absently as he stared out just as I was. It was silent for a few minutes and I studied the clock on the wall with a sudden concentration. Nick’s voice pulled me back.

“Is it… is it possible to fall out of love Jules?” I froze for a moment, the sound of his confused voice filling my mind. I turned my head quickly to look at him; his eyebrows were knitted together and his lips were pouted thoughtfully, his soulful eyes staring into mine. I blinked in surprise.

“I-I don’t know,” I swallowed, almost at a loss for words. “Why?” He gave me a small shrug and a deep sigh, his free hand pulling up to scratch his head.

“I’ve been thinking a lot…” About Cass. What was he trying to say? That he didn’t love her anymore? I almost snorted in disbelief. It was always Nick and Cass, Cass and Nick; nothing could stop them.

“This is about what I told you, isn’t it? And how could you be thinking about it when she hasn’t even been here?” My voice was frantic almost, my conscience telling me that I had messed everything up for when Cass came back. “You just miss her, that’s all,” I tried to reason, but my words weren’t even fazing him.

“It’s not fully about her cheating on me, and I know she hasn’t been here…” he breathed, pursing his lips as he stared at me. I couldn’t look away. “And I do miss her. I miss her a lot.” It didn’t surprise me when those dreaded words came out of his mouth next, still breathy and clear: “And I love her.” But his next set of words could have given me a heart attack. “But… I’m not sure if I’m in love with her anymore.”

So many things ran through my mind at that moment, and I felt guilty. Nick didn’t mean that; he couldn’t mean that. He loved Cass and he always had. He went after her from the very beginning. He said he loved her first. He couldn’t just… take it back, could he?

But the bigger question was - why the hell did this concern me?

He seemed to know what I was thinking and continued with a sigh, his hand squeezing mine just barely.

“I always thought that you liked Joe,” he said suddenly. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and wondered where that came from. “You two were always together, you made each other happy. And Joe would always talk about you, just like I talked about Cass. I used to think that it’d be you and Joe and me and Cass, and that we’d all stick together like some cheesy group--” he laughed lightly, though it wasn’t very humorous, and continued, “but then I realized that life isn’t perfect like that. Joe moved out and went off to college and I half expected you to tell him you loved him, but you never did. Not like that anyway. And then I realized that it was just me and Cass now… but you were always still there.”

He was losing me with every word he spoke. I didn’t understand where he was getting out or how this even came close to being important to his recent discovery of not being in love with Cass anymore. But I listened anyway; listened and hoped that I’d understand.

“Everyone thought Cass was perfect…” Everyone knew was more like it. “but she really isn’t.”

My eyes widened and I turned my head just as he did, our eyes locking again. He was confused… just like me.

“She’s beautiful and intelligent, and she cares a lot about different things, but she isn’t perfect. I don’t believe anyone is. She’s special though, just like you’re special.” I had that warm fuzzy feeling again and I blushed, my eyes trailing down chest to rest on our connected hands. “You’re both different and you’re special in your own ways. Cass… she knows what she wants, but she’s confused. She doesn’t know if she wants her life to be perfect or if she wants it to be exciting. I guess I was just too boring for her.”

“No,” I interrupted quickly, shaking my head. “You aren’t boring Nick. She just doesn’t know a good thing when it’s there.” I let those words slip out, though I tried not to pay too much mind to them. I knew he noticed.

“But that doesn’t matter. What I’m trying to say is that, no matter what we do or where we go, Cass and I are both growing up. We aren’t the same kids. We don’t play baseball or race bikes like we used to; we grew up. We don’t joke and tease and flirt like we used to; we grew up. We don’t get that excitement when we’re together anymore-”

“Because you grew up?” I guess almost dryly.

“We grew up,” he confirmed, though his voice was a little flat. “But the problem is you can’t just grow out of love; you fall out of love. And you fall out of love because that person doesn’t give you those butterflies anymore, or because that person isn’t all you think about when you know they should be. When you grow, you want to grow with them, but sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes you feel like there’s someone else that could make you go weak in the knees and make you wanna’ sing. And sometimes you just can’t help it.”

I felt a little light headed suddenly, my stomach twisting with unfamiliar knots. We stared at each other for a moment, his words still ringing clear in my mind, and I couldn’t breathe. His hand stayed with mine and he tilted his head some, setting the guitar to the side without breaking our gaze. It was hard to understand that I was actually sitting here with him, talking to him; it was hard to believe that he was holding my hand and…

I could feel him leaning closer suddenly, his free hand rising up to touch my cheek. He placed his palm flat against my skin, the touch like a feather, and I had no real sense of what was happening. I had made myself forget about the kiss at graduation, and I didn’t want to have to think about it again. But staring into those wide innocent eyes that I had come to love… it was hard. It was hard to forget something that you wanted so badly.

“Do you ever think about what it’d be like if things were different?” he whispered, his breath tickling the tip of my nose. I didn’t know what exactly he was referring to, but I knew that I did.

“Al the time,” I croaked slightly, my eyelids fluttering uncontrollably as he leaned even closer… but he stopped.

“Maybe thinking isn’t enough.”

I wanted so badly just to close my eyes and lean in, but I didn’t, and neither did he. He continued to watch me, trying to understand my thoughts, but he was far more confusing than me. I opened my mouth to speak, though nothing but a shaky breath came out, and I slowly pulled away from his touch.

“I, um, I have to… get home,” I stuttered quickly, almost tripping as I stood. He sat up straight and watched me move towards the door, a soft smile on his lips.

“Maybe you can come back sometime,” he said clearly, though his voice was still soft. I stopped by the door, my hand stuck on the knob, and I glanced over at him. “Since you got me grounded, you know.” His eyes held amusement and I blushed, nodding a quick yes anyway.

And it was things like this that made me wonder why the world was so confusing.