Take Me There

There was a point in my life where Cass and I both wanted to be famous. It was one of the only times that we had shared something in common, even if our dreams weren’t exactly the same. With Cass being perfect, her ice blue eyes always light and her blond hair always able to mold into a new ‘do, her dream was to become a supermodel. And we all knew she could, if she really wanted it. Then there was me; me and my muddy brown hair and my green, but sometimes hazel, eyes. I wanted to be a singer. I was plain, but to be singer you didn’t need glitz and glam. To be a singer, you didn’t need to be fake. To be a singer, you could express your feelings… you could really feel.

I had never told anyone of this thought, but somehow Joe knew. Joe knew everything. He knew that I liked to write and that I wasn’t too bad at singing. Cass always admired me for that, and it made me feel special at the time. It made me feel good to know that I could do something that she couldn’t that I had a talent that she didn’t. But then I remembered that Cass was perfect and, if she couldn’t sing, than neither could I.

I remembered sitting in my old beanbag chair after hours of skateboarding, not caring that the angle made the new cuts on my knees burn. I remembered pulling out one of my school notebooks and a pen, and opening the cover. I flipped through the pages until I found a clean one and pulled the cap off of the pen, but I was blank. I stared at the page for hours, but still, nothing came to me. All I could do was write down a few sentences here and there, wondering if they’d ever be good enough to make a real song; if I’d ever be good enough to make something I could be proud of.

I had wondered aimlessly in those years if I would grow up to be something, like a writer or a singer or a skateboarder. Mom, being a nurse, wanted me to go to medical school and Dad, well… he had too many jobs. He said that I should be a lawyer, but I don’t have the spine for that.

Cass was my spine.

Days passed and I still couldn’t think of anything. I had things to write about; my parent’s divorce, living in Cass’s shadow, wanting to be something. But out of all the things I could choose from, I chose the most cliché songwriting idea there was: Nick. I came home from school one day, the house being empty and dark as usual, and I plopped myself down with that old yellow notebook. I flipped the pages until I reached a new blank sheet and I immediately began to scribble. The words flowed, even if they were cheesy, and when I was finished… I had this undeniable feeling in me. I smiled and I stared at the page where I had scribbled all these little words, and I instantly knew the beat I wanted. I didn’t know if I could sing the song, or if I even would at any point in time, but I knew that it was mine and that I was proud. I was proud of myself because no one else would be.

I was so engrossed in that song that I hadn’t heard the door open or the two different laughs sound. I didn’t hear the footsteps entering the kitchen or the sound of a bag plopping to the floor. It wasn’t until Cass’ bubbly voice sounded that I knew she was in the room, and I knew Nick was with her

“Whatcha’ doing?”she mumbled happily, practically skipping towards me. My eyes shifted to Nick nervously, but he offered that warm greeting smile, and I knew my face instantly flushed. The crush I had on Nick seemed huge then, and it really wasn’t. It stayed the same throughout the years, but I had gotten better at hiding it and pushing the feelings away. He was with Cass and he was always going to be hers. Always.

“I, umm… nothing!"I stuttered, quickly covering up the page. My actions only drew her in more, and soon she was standing over my shoulder, craning her neck to see the page. I couldn’t let her see it though. At the time I didn’t realize that she would have no way of knowing that what I had written was about Nick, her boyfriend, but, at the time, I thought it would be the most embarrassing thing in the world… especially with him in the room.

“Oooh!” she squealed in the way that only Cass could. Her face lit up and she planted her hands on the back of my chair, refusing to let me scoot out. “Is it a love letter for Joe?”

Cass had thought I had a thing for Joe and, even though this wasn’t about him, I blushed. I blushed because Joe was like my brother and because the guy I liked was standing right there, now watching with his intense eyes. I blushed because the song was about her boyfriend and, me being the introverted young teenager I was, didn’t want Nick to know anything about anything.

“No!”[o\ii] I quickly retorted. I would have climbed on the table to get away from her eager gaze, but what she did next shocked me. I didn’t have time to stop her and, by the surprised look in Nick’s eyes, he didn’t either. Before I knew it, a loud rear sounded through the kitchen and the whole piece of paper that I was once holding was now ripped in two, the halves in both of our hands.

I stared at Cass with wide, blurry eyes and I remembered thinking that this was the worst thing she had ever done to me. I remembered thinking that the time she almost left me at home and the clown incident didn’t even come close. I remembered thinking that I hated Cass.

I hated Cass and I told her.

Her eyes went wide when those three words left my mouth, and she looked completely taken aback. She opened her mouth several times, each time being a failed attempt to speak. I could see Nick from the corner of my eye, looking calm as usual, but he was watching me, taking in every action I made; the way my chest heaved with my ragged breaths, the way my face was red, the way my eyes were hazy. He cocked his head like he were observing me, but then his gaze shifted to Cass and he sighed.

Nick stayed out of the argument. Nick stayed silent. But Nick stayed aware.

Nick was always aware.

“Julissa, come on-” she tried to reason, but I was so angry over what she had done: she ruined my moment, my song. She ruined what I was proud of.

I didn’t think about the fact that I could tape the ripped pieces together and just forget about it, no. Instead I crumpled my half tightly and threw it to the floor, then I reached forward and snatched the piece away from her. I ripped it up into shreds like a crazy person, my face twisted with frustration, and the two of them stared at me. The tiny pieces fluttered to the floor and I knew I’d have to clean it up later, but I didn’t care. I was angry at Cass and it felt good.

I hated Cass, and it felt… good.

None of us spoke again, no one had time. I found myself flying past Nick and up the stairs, the sound of his soft voice murmuring words I couldn’t understand filling my ears. I knew what he was saying though. I knew he was comforting his perfect Cass because, in my world, in everyone’s world, perfect Cass could do no wrong. And, after all, I was the one who ripped up the paper. I was the one who messed this up for me. And then I found myself hating… me.

I knew that Nick had stayed downstairs with Cass and that I had been lying on my bed for a while ten minutes, listening to his murmuring and her whines. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of their voices, and it angered me further. Why did Nick get to comfort Cass? Because he was hers, ad she was his. And I was no one.

The thing about Cass was, she was never wrong. She never, ever had to apologize because mistakes weren’t in her vocabulary. When she messed up, no one cared to notice. No one corrected her. So what surprised me to no end was that I heard a knock on my door. She came in before I could answer and she held a sour, bur apologetic, expression.

“I’m sorry Jules,” she said. “I didn’t mean it Jules,” she said. “Nick said I should apologize,”she said.

And there it was. Nick.

Nick Jonas was the epitome of perfect.

If Cass had come in and apologized, I would’ve muttered “Fine, but I still hate you” because, at the time, I did. But when she brought Nick into the conversation and made me understand that he wasn’t always on her side, I knew that, for once, I wasn’t alone. And, for once, I was okay. I accepted her apology and we hugged, and she mumbled something about loving me.

Saying it was uncomfortable for me, but I was glad that I said it back. I was glad that Cass knew I loved her, and I hope she still did. And I suddenly had the urge to write a song. I didn’t know if I wanted to wait for her to come in and rip it up for me, snorting with her famous laugh because she knew we were both silly, or if I was just wanting to feel something else, to share what I was feeling with my sister in someway.

And maybe in time that would happen. But I was starting to believe that time was going against me now.

I was currently sitting in the empty field behind the Jonas house, letting myself feel the warm breeze and the way it tickled the skin that I could now show--the bruises were fading. The sun was blaring down on me, the warmth seeming familiar, but coming nowhere close to the warmth Nick carried, and I spread my arms and legs out. My hands held me up as I placed them behind me in the dry grass and my legs sat in front of my, sprawled out some. And my sneaker clad foot was touching Nick’s worn converse. He mirrored my position, or I mirrored his--I wasn’t sure.

His muscular arms were bare, the lightly tanned skin looking smooth with the way he rolled his short sleeves up to his shoulders. His head was slightly bent back and he allowed the breeze to attack his curls while he stared up at the bright blue sky and the fluffy clouds with squinted eyes. He looked… peaceful. He looked as if he hadn’t witnessed my mother bawl her eyes out, like he hadn’t heard the news of Cass’… the night before. He looked peaceful, but he also looked blank. He didn’t want to think, but he couldn’t control his thoughts. He didn’t want to speak, but he was aching for the silence to go away. He didn’t want to be alone, but, even sitting with me, he was.

And I felt the need to comfort him suddenly, to let him know that everything would be okay even though that wasn’t what I believed. I just wanted Nick to be happy.

And so I talked.

“How’s, umm, the grounding?” I tried to ask casually, squinting my own eyes to peer up at the clouds and the way they shaped so easily

His chuckle sounded airily and I could see his smile from the corner of my eye. He attempted to shrug his shoulders, though they only moved slightly, and sprawled himself out farther. “I guess it’s the best grounding I’ve had,” he murmured, shutting his eyes tight while the sun beat down on his skin, making him almost glow. I couldn’t help but stare for a moment. “She’s letting me out here with you, even if it is only for an hour or so, and I’ve gotten to use my cell phone to talk to my brothers.”

“How much longer? For your grounding, I mean.” I didn’t know why I was so eager to find this out. It wasn’t like I planned to hang out with him everyday, to need him because I had no one else. That was selfish and wrong, but… looking over at him, there was something that felt oddly right.

And it scared me.

“Well,” he sighed, cocking his head to the side. His leg twitched a little, his foot tapping mine lightly, and he continued to stare up at the sky. I continued to stare at him. “I’m not allowed to go anywhere for another week. I can have certain visitors, like my brothers-” he paused for a second, shifting his soft gaze to me, “and you, obviously.” My heart fluttered at the sincerity of his words and I finally looked away, trying my best to focus on the old street far ahead.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, knowing I had already mentioned that.

“I know.” His voice was soft again and I wondered if he ever got angry.

“I didn’t want to get you grounded.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t want to make you waste your summer.”

“I know.”

Out of all the things Nick knew, there was one thing he didn’t: I liked him. But, right now, he was still Cass’ boyfriend, in some weird way. She wasn’t here and I was slowly coming to realize that as the truth, but part of me, and it was that really stupid part that seemed to come out often, wanted to believe that this was still just a dream. And maybe I thought that because I couldn’t feel, because I couldn’t cry. Maybe I thought that because I was selfish.

“You don’t know everything, do you Nick?” It was a stupid question and the way I looked over at him, with wide eyes and lips parted, I knew I looked stupid too. He looked back at me though, and he smiled, giving me a light shake of his head.

“No, not everything…” It was silent for a moment as he trailed off, his chocolate orbs connecting with mine. “Just most things.” And there was that subtle twitch of his lips, that smirk. I nodded my head in slight amusement, though I was unsure if he really was joking. Maybe Nick knew a little about everything. Maybe I could envy his perfection now instead so I didn’t have to think about--

But I still thought about…

“How’s your dad?” I noticed that I hadn’t had good control over my mouth these days.

“He’s good,” Nick smiled, nodding his head in approval. “He’s taking next week off to spend some time with all of us, kind of like how it used to be.”

Mr. Jonas worked a lot and one would think it’d put a strain on their family, but it didn’t. He remained involved and happy, and Mr. and Mrs. Jonas were still in love. It was a good example to set. Their kids weren’t screwed up.

“How’s your dad?” Nick knew I had been close to him before the divorce and he also knew that I didn’t plan on visiting him soon. He knew that I wanted to stay here, to be around him, and I was surprised when he didn’t convince me to go. Maybe he enjoyed my company. Maybe he just wanted me to fill that void.

I could feel my heart sink.

“Um,” I cleared my throat, only now registering his question. He was staring at me, waiting patiently for me to continue the conversation that was hanging by a thread. Why was it so hard to talk to him? Why was it so hard to understand, to know. “I haven’t talked to him in a while.” It didn’t occur to me that Nick would ask why, and that I would have to tell him about the phone, about the house.

The house.

“Why?” his soft voice asked, laced with curiosity. I inhaled through my nose deeply, my chest rising highly while I closed my eyes. The sun’s warmth seemed numbing, like how I felt, and maybe if I stayed under it’s rays long enough I wouldn’t be able to move, and then I wouldn’t be able to feel anything ever again. That’s what was happening now, wasn’t it? The sun was taking me over, telling me that I was a loser with the way it burned into my skin. Or maybe that was God, and maybe He was punishing me.

I prayed that wasn’t the case.

“I have no way to reach him.”

He blinked several times, each flutter of his eyelids being slow and each time his eyelashes brushed against the very top of his cheekbone. He couldn’t feel it though, but I could see it; I could see it because I was so entirely focuses on Nick Jonas, so engrossed in his being that it was unhealthy. And I gulped.

“What do you mean?” He was curious once again, but this time he was more concerned. He stretched his legs out slowly and sat himself up, trying to make it seem as if the question was simply that, a question, and that his actions weren’t quick whatsoever. Nick was sly, but me being so focused on him, I knew. I had studied his behavior over the years and it appeared to me that I knew everything there was to know about Nick Jonas. Cass’ Nick Jonas.

“She’s not paying the bills,” I shrugged, my tone a failed attempt to seem nonchalant. I brushed my hair away from my shoulders and stared back up at the sky, sighing heavily because the warmth was making me tired. I sat there still though, not wanting to waste any moment that I could spend out of the house. Mom was still at the police station, probably sobbing away about her perfect daughter. I didn’t want to go, but I wanted to know what happened.

I sat there because I didn’t want to waste any time that I could have with Nick. And I was selfish again.

“You could come over to use our phone,” he whispered, but I could tell by the tone in his voice that this bothered him. And the look on his face proved it. “Do you have food to eat? Is she giving you things you need?”

“I’m not a helpless child of a hobo,” I grumbled, quickly crossing my arms over my chest. He pursed his lips but stayed unfazed.

“I just want to make sure she isn’t neglecting you on top of-” but he didn’t finish. His voice cut right off as if he were a robot, like he couldn’t bring himself to program those words into his mind anymore. He had said it before, when I was unable, but the table’s turned and now it was he who couldn’t accept what was happening to me.

“She’s not doing that anymore,” I whispered, silence following. It seemed so easy to say. Could she turn on and off? Tell herself when she going to hurt me and when she wasn’t? Decide when the pain was too much for her to take so she needed to push it off on me? Right now it was off, and I was thankful.

“But still,” he sighed, rubbing his hand over his smooth cheek. They almost always seemed to hold a tint to them, but you could tell when he was blushing and when he wasn’t. It made him seem real. It was at that moment that I could see how desperate he was to say something, to talk to me about Cass, but he just couldn’t. And I couldn’t.

A soft bark sounded and echoed through the field, gaining both of our attentions. We turned our heads at the same time and our eyes settled on the rather large dog running through the grass, it’s big, round eyes only focused on Nick, like he was the most important thing in the world. I could see Nick’s lips pull into a grin, his eyes squinting even more with his toothless smile, and he instantly opened his arms for the dog, for his Elvis.

“Hey boy, hey buddy,” he cooed, “What are you doing out here Elvis?” He used the embarrassing voice that you only talked to babies and animals with, but I couldn’t help finding it to be adorable. I stared at him for a moment and watched the way he ran his hands over the dog lovingly, petting him and rubbing him over his stomach and head. In return, Elvis gratefully licked his face, his panting and wagging of his tail uncontrollable.

I glanced up from the sight only to focus on a figure by the sliding door that led outside. Even in the distance I could see Mrs. Jonas’ warm smile and, before she disappeared, she gave me a slight wave, the phone perched to her ear. Was she talking to my mother?

“Ah, Elvis,” Nick laughed, the sound musical and heartwarming. His eyes were closed but his lips were pursed and he tried to push the large animal away. He kept licking at Nick’s face though, eager to have his master pay attention to him. Nick shook his head. And I laughed.

It was silent for a moment, Elvis’ head now turned to face me. His wide, gleaming eyes focused on me and he barked softly, cocking his head. He remembered me again. He leapt forward, leaving his hind legs stretched over Nick’s lap, and planted his paws on my thighs. I jumped a little, not familiar with such a bid thing on top of me. Nick chuckled.

“He won’t hurt you,” he informed me, his tone light. I knew that of course. Elvis was a lot like Nick--they would never hurt anyone. Elvis’ long pink tongue shot out and lapped across my face, getting me to close my eyes and squeak. I shut my mouth but managed to laugh anyway, leaning myself back only to have the dog follow. “Alright boy,” Nick breathed, patting his back lovingly. “Leave Julissa alone.”

Elvis barked, almost as if he were refusing, and pressed himself harder against me, now curling up in my lap. He was quite heavy on my legs, but his warmth and softness was worth it. The smile on my face was clear. I glanced up at Nick through my bangs and blushed as he stared, sighing heavily.

“Elvis, come on,” he tried again, patting his lap. The dog almost jolted forward at the call but quickly settled back down, panting against me.

“Umm…”I mumbled, not quite sure how I could help.

“He must like you a lot,” Nick said lowly, quickly leaning forward. I suddenly remembered what Joe said: “Elvis has a thing for Nick and girls.” I bit my lip.

His hands gripped at his dog’s sides and he gave a tug, successfully pulling the animal off me, but it was then that Elvis decided to lunge forward, jolting out of Nick’s grip. He lost his kneeling position and fell on top of me, groans falling from both of our mouths. His arms extended quickly and kept him from crashing fully against me, but his face was so close to mine again. This was just like at the park, when he kissed me and I told him we were confused. He stared at me for a moment, but neither of us moved or did anything. It was awkward and I knew he knew that too, but… it was indescribable. The way he was looking at me made those resting butterflies swarm and my mouth felt dry. He was so close that I could count every tiny freckle on his cheek, even the one on his nose. I smiled slightly and turned my head, focusing on the tall blades of grass that were now in my vision.

“What?” he asked breathily, his tone curious. I was good at hiding things, but this shiver came without warning.

Stupid Nick and his stupid ways.

“It’s just…” I started, quickly shutting up. I would not let my mouth speak this. “Your dog is kind of weird.”

He chuckled and I was relieved that he believed me.

“I think he spent too much time with Joe before he left,” he informed me, his face closer than I expected. I managed a weak smile and turned my head in the other direction, focusing on Elvis as he roamed the field, sniffing everything in sight. He was acting as if we disinterested him all of a sudden, like he wasn’t just all over us seconds ago.

He was ignoring us now.

I wanted to stay like that, with Nick. I wanted to stay in his bubble of warmth, to look into those deep, emotional eyes, and I wanted to tell him… everything. I wanted to talk and yell and cry, but it was impossible for me to feel again.

“I think I should get home,” I blurted out quickly, freezing in my spot. His eyes danced over my face for a moment, analyzing me before he nodded and lifted up, allowing the sunrays to hit me again. It wasn’t the same warmth. “I’ll, uh, see you later…”

“Whenever you want,” he smiled softly, leaving himself planted on the grass. I eyed him for a moment, debating whether or not I really should leave. I stood quickly and brushed my hands over my pants, peaking at him one more time, but he was watching the sky again, his smile faded.

Elvis sauntered past me, his ears floppy when he twisted around to watch me leave. I didn’t look back though. And I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so strange. But I did recognize the unfamiliar feeling in me, and it was like the old yellow notebook was back.

And it was.

[T I M E]

When you do things, you sometimes don’t know why. When I wrote that song those years ago, I did it because I wanted to be proud, because I wanted to feel like I could do something so great while incorporating something so close to me. As I sat on my bed and stared down at the page in front of me, the handwriting still loopy, I knew that I wrote this because I needed to. Because I couldn’t feel, but I wanted to. Because I needed to know what it was about Nick that drew me in.

So when you do things that you sometimes don’t know why, and then you follow it up with an equally confusing decision, I’d call it an impulse. And right now I had an impulse to show this… song, this piece of paper filled with words that were supposed to describe feelings that I didn’t know how to explain, to Nick--I didn’t know how to fight it.

My legs carried me across the street and over the green lawn within what seemed like seconds, and I found myself knocking. The door was answered by Mrs. Jonas and she told me I could see Nick, all of this happening in a blur. I could feel my heart pumping and my nerves were eating me alive, but I couldn’t find it in me to stop my feet from continuing up those stairs and ultimately stopping in front of his door. And when my fist began to tap the wooden object in front of me, I couldn’t turn back.

Nick opened the door almost immediately, his eyebrows raising once he settled on me. He didn’t looked too shocked because I had been here at his door before, but he looked intrigued, and I felt even more nervous.

“I wrote this,” I blurted out, my hand flying up involuntarily. He flinched back a bit, his gaze shifting to the page in my hand, and he knitted his eyebrows together.

“A… song?” he questioned, not quite sure what I was even talking about. I nodded. I saw the way Nick’s face lit up, his soft smile appearing once again to make his face glow, and he took a step back. “You wrote a song… and you’re showing me?”

This was completely out of my character.

“Yes.”

“Well,” he breathed, taking one last, skeptical glance at me. “Let’s see it.” He stepped farther back and opened the door wider, welcoming me into his room once again. I stepped in cautiously, biting my lip once I heard the creak of the door and then the tiny click, signaling it being shut. He stepped to the side with one hand in his pocket, his other hanging loosely by his side, and he waited.

And I was frozen.

“Umm…”

“Are you going to sing it or do you just want me to look at it?” he questioned, trying his best to make me more comfortable. It wasn’t working. This was the outcome of the part of me that was stupid, and now I wasn’t sure why I was here in the first place.

“It’s not, um… it doesn’t fit with a guitar.”

Stupid.

“A piano then?” he inquired, quirking his eyebrow.

“Well, yeah but-”

“We have one downstairs.”

Of course they did. They were the Jonas family. This was Nick.

“No, um. I’ll just…” I trailed off, my lips and throat suddenly dry. My voice sounded meek and when I looked up at Nick, I knew I had to because he was waiting.

“Okay,” he agreed slowly, settling himself on the edge of the bed. I felt so out of place here, so foreign. I took a deep breath and pretended like he wasn’t there, looking at the page even though I already knew the words.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here, till the moment I’m gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain

Set me free
Leave me be
I don’t wanna’ fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me
And all over me

You loved me cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free
Leave me be
I don’t wanna’ fall another moment into you gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me
And all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground
But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go
One thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
Keeping me down

You’re onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

When I opened my eyes, it wasn’t one of those moments where you feel accomplished and free. When I stared at Nick, his face hard, thoughtful, and his full lips pursed… I knew that he understood the one thing that I had worked so hard to keep a secret. And he…knew.

His eyes were soft and calm, but I could see his mind reeling through them. He stayed blank for a moment, his body twitching slightly before he moved to stand. He stood in his spot, his eyes slowly dancing around the room as if he hadn’t seen it before. I had screwed up again. I screwed up and this time it was my own fault.

“It’s… great, Jules, and you have a really pretty voice, but I…” he struggled, smashing his lips together in a moment of though. “But I just…”

Just what? You just don’t like it? You just don’t like me? You just… what?

I wanted so badly to ask him, to bounce up and down with how many nerves were coursing through me. I didn’t expect him to think anything of this, but waiting… I couldn’t read him.

He sighed heavily and lifted his hand, resting it on the back of his neck almost nervously. And then he looked at me, our eyes connecting completely. “I just don’t get it.”

I stared at him dumbly as his words sunk in. He didn’t… get it? What didn’t he get? Why wasn’t I already running? I needed to just thank him for listening and be on my way, but that stupid part of me refused to move from my spot and decided that I needed to explain, to ask what he didn’t get.

“What don’t you get?”

He stared at me intensely, his body moving to the side aimlessly. “I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”

That was it. He didn’t understand; he didn’t know that this was about him, that this was for him. He didn’t know how I felt and now it would stay that way.

I laughed a short, breathy laugh and dropped my arms, crumpling the page a bit. “Thanks for listening, but I really have to get back, before my mom gets home.” I practically bolted for the door, freezing when he spoke again.

“You’re not making how you feel about me very clear.”

I froze in front of the door, one hand on the knob, and I gulped. My eyes drooped close out of instinct and, only for a moment, I swore I saw Cass’ flawless face, her pink lips open in shock and her bright eyes wide.

“I… don’t know what you mean,” I tried, refusing to turn around. He laughed dryly, the sound odd coming from him, and I tensed up. I could feel his presence closer, but he paused a few feet away, his eyes boring into me.

“What don’t you know? Why did you come here, sing a song that you wrote about me, and then expect everything to be okay?”

“How do you know it was about you!” I snapped, prying my eyes open so I didn’t have to see her face anymore. Silence. I spun around suddenly, locking my arms to my side while my gaze met his, and I couldn’t breathe.

“I can feel it, Julissa,” he choked out, his face and voice strained. He lifted his hand but quickly dropped it, not sure what to do. “I can feel it when I’m around you, when I get close to you. You want to pull back, to go away, but you don’t because you can’t, and when you do you don’t want to.” His words we fast, but they made sense.

But I couldn’t let them. I was confused and I was lost. There wasn’t much more that I could handle, but I knew I had to, and I had to do it the only way I could.

“No.” My word was a whisper; I was afraid to speak any louder because my voice could deceive me, and I didn’t need that now.

“You tell me, Julissa. You tell me that when I kissed you the only reason you pulled back wasn’t because you were scared. You tell me that I’m wrong even though you’re the one who doesn’t know what you want.”

I could barely speak, but after I swallowed, I managed to say, “You’re wrong.”

His face dropped for a second before he heaved another heavy sigh, his head shaking in disappointment. Nick was disappointed in me. I could feel the tears coming, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.

“The next time you feel the need to share how you feel, you be sure to make it clear to yourself first.” I’ve had icy words be shot at me before, but this was different, and I didn’t like this.

“You just don’t understand!” I yelled desperately, my voice still somehow weak. He stared at me with those wide, puppy-dog like eyes, aThere was a point in my life where Cass and I both wanted to be famous. It was one of the only times that we had shared something in common, even if our dreams weren’t exactly the same. With Cass being perfect, her ice blue eyes always light and her blond hair always able to mold into a new ‘do, her dream was to become a supermodel. And we all knew she could, if she really wanted it. Then there was me; me and my muddy brown hair and my green, but sometimes hazel, eyes. I wanted to be a singer. I was plain, but to be singer you didn’t need glitz and glam. To be a singer, you didn’t need to be fake. To be a singer, you could express your feelings… you could really feel.

I had never told anyone of this thought, but somehow Joe knew. Joe knew everything. He knew that I liked to write and that I wasn’t too bad at singing. Cass always admired me for that, and it made me feel special at the time. It made me feel good to know that I could do something that she couldn’t that I had a talent that she didn’t. But then I remembered that Cass was perfect and, if she couldn’t sing, than neither could I.

I remembered sitting in my old beanbag chair after hours of skateboarding, not caring that the angle made the new cuts on my knees burn. I remembered pulling out one of my school notebooks and a pen, and opening the cover. I flipped through the pages until I found a clean one and pulled the cap off of the pen, but I was blank. I stared at the page for hours, but still, nothing came to me. All I could do was write down a few sentences here and there, wondering if they’d ever be good enough to make a real song; if I’d ever be good enough to make something I could be proud of.

I had wondered aimlessly in those years if I would grow up to be something, like a writer or a singer or a skateboarder. Mom, being a nurse, wanted me to go to medical school and Dad, well… he had too many jobs. He said that I should be a lawyer, but I don’t have the spine for that.

Cass was my spine.

Days passed and I still couldn’t think of anything. I had things to write about; my parent’s divorce, living in Cass’s shadow, wanting to be something. But out of all the things I could choose from, I chose the most cliché songwriting idea there was: Nick. I came home from school one day, the house being empty and dark as usual, and I plopped myself down with that old yellow notebook. I flipped the pages until I reached a new blank sheet and I immediately began to scribble. The words flowed, even if they were cheesy, and when I was finished… I had this undeniable feeling in me. I smiled and I stared at the page where I had scribbled all these little words, and I instantly knew the beat I wanted. I didn’t know if I could sing the song, or if I even would at any point in time, but I knew that it was mine and that I was proud. I was proud of myself because no one else would be.

I was so engrossed in that song that I hadn’t heard the door open or the two different laughs sound. I didn’t hear the footsteps entering the kitchen or the sound of a bag plopping to the floor. It wasn’t until Cass’s bubbly voice sounded that I knew she was in the room, and I knew Nick was with her

“What'ch ya doing?” she mumbled happily, practically skipping towards me. My eyes shifted to Nick nervously, but he offered that warm greeting smile, and I knew my face instantly flushed. The crush I had on Nick seemed huge then, and it really wasn’t. It stayed the same throughout the years, but I had gotten better at hiding it and pushing the feelings away. He was with Cass and he was always going to be hers. Always.

“I, umm… nothing!" I stuttered, quickly covering up the page. My actions only drew her in more, and soon she was standing over my shoulder, craning her neck to see the page. I couldn’t let her see it though. At the time I didn’t realize that she would have no way of knowing that what I had written was about Nick, her boyfriend, but, at the time, I thought it would be the most embarrassing thing in the world… especially with him in the room.

“Oooh!” she squealed in the way that only Cass could. Her face lit up and she planted her hands on the back of my chair, refusing to let me scoot out. “Is it a love letter for Joe?”

Cass had thought I had a thing for Joe and, even though this wasn’t about him, I blushed. I blushed because Joe was like my brother and because the guy I liked was standing right there, now watching with his intense eyes. I blushed because the song was about her boyfriend and, me being the introverted young teenager I was, didn’t want Nick to know anything about anything.

“No!”[o\ii] I quickly retorted. I would have climbed on the table to get away from her eager gaze, but what she did next shocked me. I didn’t have time to stop her and, by the surprised look in Nick’s eyes, he didn’t either. Before I knew it, a loud rear sounded through the kitchen and the whole piece of paper that I was once holding was now ripped in two, the halves in both of our hands.

I stared at Cass with wide, blurry eyes and I remembered thinking that this was the worst thing she had ever done to me. I remembered thinking that the time she almost left me at home and the clown incident didn’t even come close. I remembered thinking that I hated Cass.

I hated Cass and I told her.

Her eyes went wide when those three words left my mouth, and she looked completely taken aback. She opened her mouth several times, each time being a failed attempt to speak. I could see Nick from the corner of my eye, looking calm as usual, but he was watching me, taking in every action I made; the way my chest heaved with my ragged breaths, the way my face was red, the way my eyes were hazy. He cocked his head like he were observing me, but then his gaze shifted to Cass and he sighed.

Nick stayed out of the argument. Nick stayed silent. But Nick stayed aware.

Nick was always aware.

“Julissa, come on-” she tried to reason, but I was so angry over what she had done: she ruined my moment, my song. She ruined what I was proud of.

I didn’t think about the fact that I could tape the ripped pieces together and just forget about it, no. Instead I crumpled my half tightly and threw it to the floor, and then I reached forward and snatched the piece away from her. I ripped it up into shreds like a crazy person, my face twisted with frustration, and the two of them stared at me. The tiny pieces fluttered to the floor and I knew I’d have to clean it up later, but I didn’t care. I was angry at Cass and it felt good.

I hated Cass, and it felt… good.

None of us spoke again, no one had time. I found myself flying past Nick and up the stairs, the sound of his soft voice murmuring words I couldn’t understand filling my ears. I knew what he was saying though. I knew he was comforting his perfect Cass because, in my world, in everyone’s world, perfect Cass could do no wrong. And, after all, I was the one who ripped up the paper. I was the one who messed this up for me. And then I found myself hating… me.

I knew that Nick had stayed downstairs with Cass and that I had been lying on my bed for a while ten minutes, listening to his murmuring and her whines. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of their voices, and it angered me further. Why did Nick get to comfort Cass? Because he was hers, ad she was his. And I was no one.

The thing about Cass was that she was never wrong. She never, ever had to apologize because mistakes weren’t in her vocabulary. When she messed up, no one cared to notice. No one corrected her. So what surprised me to no end was that I heard a knock on my door. She came in before I could answer and she held a sour, bur apologetic, expression.

“I’m sorry Jules,” she said. “I didn’t mean it Jules,” she said. “Nick said I should apologize,” she said.

And there it was. Nick.

Nick Jonas was the epitome of perfect.

If Cass had come in and apologized, I would’ve muttered “Fine, but I still hate you” because, at the time, I did. But when she brought Nick into the conversation and made me understand that he wasn’t always on her side, I knew that, for once, I wasn’t alone. And, for once, I was okay. I accepted her apology and we hugged, and she mumbled something about loving me.

Saying it was uncomfortable for me, but I was glad that I said it back. I was glad that Cass knew I loved her, and I hope she still did. And I suddenly had the urge to write a song. I didn’t know if I wanted to wait for her to come in and rip it up for me, snorting with her famous laugh because she knew we were both silly, or if I was just wanting to feel something else, to share what I was feeling with my sister in some way.

And maybe in time that would happen. But I was starting to believe that time was going against me now.

I was currently sitting in the empty field behind the Jonas house, letting myself feel the warm breeze and the way it tickled the skin that I could now show--the bruises were fading. The sun was blaring down on me, the warmth seeming familiar, but coming nowhere close to the warmth Nick carried, and I spread my arms and legs out. My hands held me up as I placed them behind me in the dry grass and my legs sat in front of my, sprawled out some. And my sneaker clad foot was touching Nick’s worn converse. He mirrored my position, or I mirrored his--I wasn’t sure.

His muscular arms were bare, the lightly tanned skin looking smooth with the way he rolled his short sleeves up to his shoulders. His head was slightly bent back and he allowed the breeze to attack his curls while he stared up at the bright blue sky and the fluffy clouds with squinted eyes. He looked… peaceful. He looked as if he hadn’t witnessed my mother bawl her eyes out, like he hadn’t heard the news of Cass’… the night before. He looked peaceful, but he also looked blank. He didn’t want to think, but he couldn’t control his thoughts. He didn’t want to speak, but he was aching for the silence to go away. He didn’t want to be alone, but, even sitting with me, he was.

And I felt the need to comfort him suddenly, to let him know that everything would be okay even though that wasn’t what I believed. I just wanted Nick to be happy.

And so I talked.

“How’s, umm, the grounding?” I tried to ask casually, squinting my own eyes to peer up at the clouds and the way they shaped so easily

His chuckle sounded airily and I could see his smile from the corner of my eye. He attempted to shrug his shoulders, though they only moved slightly, and sprawled himself out farther. “I guess it’s the best grounding I’ve had,” he murmured, shutting his eyes tight while the sun beat down on his skin, making him almost glow. I couldn’t help but stare for a moment. “She’s letting me out here with you, even if it is only for an hour or so, and I’ve gotten to use my cell phone to talk to my brothers.”

“How much longer? For your grounding, I mean.” I didn’t know why I was so eager to find this out. It wasn’t like I planned to hang out with him every day, to need him because I had no one else. That was selfish and wrong, but… looking over at him, there was something that felt oddly right.

And it scared me.

“Well,” he sighed, cocking his head to the side. His leg twitched a little, his foot tapping mine lightly, and he continued to stare up at the sky. I continued to stare at him. “I’m not allowed to go anywhere for another week. I can have certain visitors, like my brothers-” he paused for a second, shifting his soft gaze to me, “and you, obviously.” My heart fluttered at the sincerity of his words and I finally looked away, trying my best to focus on the old street far ahead.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, knowing I had already mentioned that.

“I know.” His voice was soft again and I wondered if he ever got angry.

“I didn’t want to get you grounded.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t want to make you waste your summer.”

“I know.”

Out of all the things Nick knew, there was one thing he didn’t: I liked him. But, right now, he was still Cass’s boyfriend, in some weird way. She wasn’t here and I was slowly coming to realize that as the truth, but part of me, and it was that really stupid part that seemed to come out often, wanted to believe that this was still just a dream. And maybe I thought that because I couldn’t feel, because I couldn’t cry. Maybe I thought that because I was selfish.

“You don’t know everything, do you Nick?” It was a stupid question and the way I looked over at him, with wide eyes and lips parted, I knew I looked stupid too. He looked back at me though, and he smiled, giving me a light shake of his head.

“No, not everything…” It was silent for a moment as he trailed off, his chocolate orbs connecting with mine. “Just most things.” And there was that subtle twitch of his lips and that smirk. I nodded my head in slight amusement, though I was unsure if he really was joking. Maybe Nick knew a little about everything. Maybe I could envy his perfection now instead so I didn’t have to think about--

But I still thought about…

“How’s your dad?” I noticed that I hadn’t had good control over my mouth these days.

“He’s good,” Nick smiled, nodding his head in approval. “He’s taking next week off to spend some time with all of us, kind of like how it used to be.”

Mr. Jonas worked a lot and one would think it’d put a strain on their family, but it didn’t. He remained involved and happy, and Mr. and Mrs. Jonas were still in love. It was a good example to set. Their kids weren’t screwed up.

“How’s your dad?” Nick knew I had been close to him before the divorce and he also knew that I didn’t plan on visiting him soon. He knew that I wanted to stay here, to be around him, and I was surprised when he didn’t convince me to go. Maybe he enjoyed my company. Maybe he just wanted me to fill that void.

I could feel my heart sink.

“Um,” I cleared my throat, only now registering his question. He was staring at me, waiting patiently for me to continue the conversation that was hanging by a thread. Why was it so hard to talk to him? Why was it so hard to understand, to know? “I haven’t talked to him in a while.” It didn’t occur to me that Nick would ask why, and that I would have to tell him about the phone, about the house.

The house.

“Why?” his soft voice asked, laced with curiosity. I inhaled through my nose deeply, my chest rising highly while I closed my eyes. The sun’s warmth seemed numbing, like how I felt, and maybe if I stayed under its rays long enough I wouldn’t be able to move, and then I wouldn’t be able to feel anything ever again. That’s what was happening now, wasn’t it? The sun was taking me over, telling me that I was a loser with the way it burned into my skin. Or maybe that was God, and maybe He was punishing me.

I prayed that wasn’t the case.

“I have no way to reach him.”

He blinked several times, each flutter of his eyelids being slow and each time his eyelashes brushed against the very top of his cheekbone. He couldn’t feel it though, but I could see it; I could see it because I was so entirely focuses on Nick Jonas, so engrossed in his being that it was unhealthy. And I gulped.

“What do you mean?” He was curious once again, but this time he was more concerned. He stretched his legs out slowly and sat himself up, trying to make it seem as if the question was simply that, a question, and that his actions weren’t quick whatsoever. Nick was sly, but me being so focused on him, I knew. I had studied his behavior over the years and it appeared to me that I knew everything there was to know about Nick Jonas. Cass’s Nick Jonas.

“She’s not paying the bills,” I shrugged, my tone a failed attempt to seem nonchalant. I brushed my hair away from my shoulders and stared back up at the sky, sighing heavily because the warmth was making me tired. I sat there still though, not wanting to waste any moment that I could spend out of the house. Mom was still at the police station, probably sobbing away about her perfect daughter. I didn’t want to go, but I wanted to know what happened.

I sat there because I didn’t want to waste any time that I could have with Nick. And I was selfish again.

“You could come over to use our phone,” he whispered, but I could tell by the tone in his voice that this bothered him. And the look on his face proved it. “Do you have food to eat? Is she giving you things you need?”

“I’m not a helpless child of a hobo,” I grumbled, quickly crossing my arms over my chest. He pursed his lips but stayed unfazed.

“I just want to make sure she isn’t neglecting you on top of-” but he didn’t finish. His voice cut right off as if he were a robot, like he couldn’t bring himself to program those words into his mind anymore. He had said it before, when I was unable, but the table’s turned and now it was he who couldn’t accept what was happening to me.

“She’s not doing that anymore,” I whispered, silence following. It seemed so easy to say. Could she turn on and off? Tell herself when she going to hurt me and when she wasn’t? Decide when the pain was too much for her to take so she needed to push it off on me? Right now it was off, and I was thankful.

“But still,” he sighed, rubbing his hand over his smooth cheek. They almost always seemed to hold a tint to them, but you could tell when he was blushing and when he wasn’t. It made him seem real. It was at that moment that I could see how desperate he was to say something, to talk to me about Cass, but he just couldn’t. And I couldn’t.

A soft bark sounded and echoed through the field, gaining both of our attentions. We turned our heads at the same time and our eyes settled on the rather large dog running through the grass, it’s big, round eyes only focused on Nick, like he was the most important thing in the world. I could see Nick’s lips pull into a grin, his eyes squinting even more with his toothless smile, and he instantly opened his arms for the dog, for his Elvis.

“Hey boy, hey buddy,” he cooed, “What are you doing out here Elvis?” He used the embarrassing voice that you only talked to babies and animals with, but I couldn’t help finding it to be adorable. I stared at him for a moment and watched the way he ran his hands over the dog lovingly, petting him and rubbing him over his stomach and head. In return, Elvis gratefully licked his face, his panting and wagging of his tail uncontrollable.

I glanced up from the sight only to focus on a figure by the sliding door that led outside. Even in the distance I could see Mrs. Jonas’ warm smile and, before she disappeared, she gave me a slight wave, the phone perched to her ear. Was she talking to my mother?

“Ah, Elvis,” Nick laughed, the sound musical and heartwarming. His eyes were closed but his lips were pursed and he tried to push the large animal away. He kept licking at Nick’s face though, eager to have his master pay attention to him. Nick shook his head. And I laughed.

It was silent for a moment, Elvis’ head now turned to face me. His wide, gleaming eyes focused on me and he barked softly, cocking his head. He remembered me again. He leapt forward, leaving his hind legs stretched over Nick’s lap, and planted his paws on my thighs. I jumped a little, not familiar with such a bid thing on top of me. Nick chuckled.

“He won’t hurt you,” he informed me, his tone light. I knew that of course. Elvis was a lot like Nick--they would never hurt anyone. Elvis’ long pink tongue shot out and lapped across my face, getting me to close my eyes and squeak. I shut my mouth but managed to laugh anyway, leaning myself back only to have the dog follow. “Alright boy,” Nick breathed, patting his back lovingly. “Leave Julissa alone.”

Elvis barked, almost as if he were refusing, and pressed himself harder against me, now curling up in my lap. He was quite heavy on my legs, but his warmth and softness was worth it. The smile on my face was clear. I glanced up at Nick through my bangs and blushed as he stared, sighing heavily.

“Elvis, come on,” he tried again, patting his lap. The dog almost jolted forward at the call but quickly settled back down, panting against me.

“Umm…”I mumbled, not quite sure how I could help.

“He must like you a lot,” Nick said lowly, quickly leaning forward. I suddenly remembered what Joe said: “Elvis has a thing for Nick and girls.” I bit my lip.

His hands gripped at his dog’s sides and he gave a tug, successfully pulling the animal off me, but it was then that Elvis decided to lunge forward, jolting out of Nick’s grip. He lost his kneeling position and fell on top of me, groans falling from both of our mouths. His arms extended quickly and kept him from crashing fully against me, but his face was so close to mine again. This was just like at the park, when he kissed me and I told him we were confused. He stared at me for a moment, but neither of us moved or did anything. It was awkward and I knew he knew that too, but… it was indescribable. The way he was looking at me made those resting butterflies swarm and my mouth felt dry. He was so close that I could count every tiny freckle on his cheek, even the one on his nose. I smiled slightly and turned my head, focusing on the tall blades of grass that were now in my vision.

“What?” he asked breathily, his tone curious. I was good at hiding things, but this shiver came without warning.

Stupid Nick and his stupid ways.

“It’s just…” I started, quickly shutting up. I would not let my mouth speak this. “Your dog is kind of weird.”

He chuckled and I was relieved that he believed me.

“I think he spent too much time with Joe before he left,” he informed me, his face closer than I expected. I managed a weak smile and turned my head in the other direction, focusing on Elvis as he roamed the field, sniffing everything in sight. He was acting as if we disinterested him all of a sudden, like he wasn’t just all over us seconds ago.

He was ignoring us now.

I wanted to stay like that, with Nick. I wanted to stay in his bubble of warmth, to look into those deep, emotional eyes, and I wanted to tell him… everything. I wanted to talk and yell and cry, but it was impossible for me to feel again.

“I think I should get home,” I blurted out quickly, freezing in my spot. His eyes danced over my face for a moment, analyzing me before he nodded and lifted up, allowing the sunrays to hit me again. It wasn’t the same warmth. “I’ll, uh, see you later…”

“Whenever you want,” he smiled softly, leaving himself planted on the grass. I eyed him for a moment, debating whether or not I really should leave. I stood quickly and brushed my hands over my pants, peaking at him one more time, but he was watching the sky again, his smile faded.

Elvis sauntered past me, his ears floppy when he twisted around to watch me leave. I didn’t look back though. And I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so strange. But I did recognize the unfamiliar feeling in me, and it was like the old yellow notebook was back.

And it was.

[T I M E]

When you do things, you sometimes don’t know why. When I wrote that song those years ago, I did it because I wanted to be proud, because I wanted to feel like I could do something so great while incorporating something so close to me. As I sat on my bed and stared down at the page in front of me, the handwriting still loopy, I knew that I wrote this because I needed to. Because I couldn’t feel, but I wanted to. Because I needed to know what it was about Nick that drew me in.

So when you do things that you sometimes don’t know why, and then you follow it up with an equally confusing decision, I’d call it an impulse. And right now I had an impulse to show this… song, this piece of paper filled with words that were supposed to describe feelings that I didn’t know how to explain, to Nick--I didn’t know how to fight it.

My legs carried me across the street and over the green lawn within what seemed like seconds, and I found myself knocking. The door was answered by Mrs. Jonas and she told me I could see Nick, all of this happening in a blur. I could feel my heart pumping and my nerves were eating me alive, but I couldn’t find it in me to stop my feet from continuing up those stairs and ultimately stopping in front of his door. And when my fist began to tap the wooden object in front of me, I couldn’t turn back.

Nick opened the door almost immediately, his eyebrows raising once he settled on me. He didn’t look too shocked because I had been here at his door before, but he looked intrigued, and I felt even more nervous.

“I wrote this,” I blurted out, my hand flying up involuntarily. He flinched back a bit, his gaze shifting to the page in my hand, and he knitted his eyebrows together.

“A… song?” he questioned, not quite sure what I was even talking about. I nodded. I saw the way Nick’s face lit up, his soft smile appearing once again to make his face glow, and he took a step back. “You wrote a song… and you’re showing me?”

This was completely out of my character.

“Yes.”

“Well,” he breathed, taking one last, skeptical glance at me. “Let’s see it.” He stepped farther back and opened the door wider, welcoming me into his room once again. I stepped in cautiously, biting my lip once I heard the creak of the door and then the tiny click, signaling it being shut. He stepped to the side with one hand in his pocket, his other hanging loosely by his side, and he waited.

And I was frozen.

“Umm…”

“Are you going to sing it or do you just want me to look at it?” he questioned, trying his best to make me more comfortable. It wasn’t working. This was the outcome of the part of me that was stupid, and now I wasn’t sure why I was here in the first place.

“It’s not - um… it doesn’t fit with a guitar.”

Stupid.

“A piano then?” he inquired, quirking his eyebrow.

“Well, yeah but-”

“We have one downstairs.”

Of course they did. They were the Jonas family. This was Nick.

“No, um. I’ll just…” I trailed off, my lips and throat suddenly dry. My voice sounded meek and when I looked up at Nick, I knew I had to because he was waiting.

“Okay,” he agreed slowly, settling himself on the edge of the bed. I felt so out of place here, so foreign. I took a deep breath and pretended like he wasn’t there and looked at the page even though I already knew the words.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here, till the moment I’m gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain

Set me free
Leave me be
I don’t wanna’ fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me
And all over me

You loved me 'cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free
Leave me be
I don’t wanna’ fall another moment into you gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me
And all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground
But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go
One thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
Keeping me down

You’re onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

When I opened my eyes, it wasn’t one of those moments where you feel accomplished and free. When I stared at Nick, his face hard, thoughtful, and his full lips pursed… I knew that he understood the one thing that I had worked so hard to keep a secret. And he…knew.

His eyes were soft and calm, but I could see his mind reeling through them. He stayed blank for a moment, his body twitching slightly before he moved to stand. He stood in his spot, his eyes slowly dancing around the room as if he hadn’t seen it before. I had screwed up again. I screwed up and this time it was my own fault.

“It’s… great, Jules, and you have a really pretty voice, but I…” he struggled, smashing his lips together in a moment of though. “But I just…”

Just what? You just don’t like it? You just don’t like me? You just… what?

I wanted so badly to ask him, to bounce up and down with how many nerves were coursing through me. I didn’t expect him to think anything of this, but waiting… I couldn’t read him.

He sighed heavily and lifted his hand, resting it on the back of his neck almost nervously. And then he looked at me, our eyes connecting completely. “I just don’t get it.”

I stared at him dumbly as his words sunk in. He didn’t… get it? What didn’t he get? Why wasn’t I already running? I needed to just thank him for listening and be on my way, but that stupid part of me refused to move from my spot and decided that I needed to explain, to ask what he didn’t get.

“What don’t you get?”

He stared at me intensely, his body moving to the side aimlessly. “I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”

That was it. He didn’t understand; he didn’t know that this was about him, that this was for him. He didn’t know how I felt and now it would stay that way.

I laughed a short, breathy laugh and dropped my arms, crumpling the page a bit. “Thanks for listening, but I really have to get back, before my mom gets home.” I practically bolted for the door, freezing when he spoke again.

“You’re not making how you feel about me very clear.”

I froze in front of the door, one hand on the knob, and I gulped. My eyes drooped close out of instinct and, only for a moment, I swore I saw Cass’s flawless face, her pink lips open in shock and her bright eyes wide.

“I… don’t know what you mean,” I tried, refusing to turn around. He laughed dryly, the sound odd coming from him, and I tensed up. I could feel his presence closer, but he paused a few feet away, his eyes boring into me.

“What don’t you know? Why did you come here, sing a song that you wrote about me, and then expect everything to be okay?”

“How do you know it was about you?!” I snapped, prying my eyes open so I didn’t have to see her face anymore. Silence. I spun around suddenly, locking my arms to my side while my gaze met his, and I couldn’t breathe.

“I can feel it, Julissa,” he choked out, his face and voice strained. He lifted his hand but quickly dropped it, not sure what to do. “I can feel it when I’m around you, when I get close to you. You want to pull back, to go away, but you don’t because you can’t, and when you do you don’t want to.” His words we fast, but they made sense.

But I couldn’t let them. I was confused and I was lost. There wasn’t much more that I could handle, but I knew I had to, and I had to do it the only way I could.

“No.” My word was a whisper; I was afraid to speak any louder because my voice could deceive me, and I didn’t need that now.

“You tell me, Julissa. You tell me that when I kissed you the only reason you pulled back wasn’t because you were scared. You tell me that I’m wrong even though you’re the one who doesn’t know what you want.”

I could barely speak, but after I swallowed, I managed to say, “You’re wrong.”

His face dropped for a second before he heaved another heavy sigh, his head shaking in disappointment. Nick was disappointed in me. I could feel the tears coming, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.

“The next time you feel the need to share how you feel, you be sure to make it clear to yourself first.” I’ve had icy words be shot at me before, but this was different, and I didn’t like this.

“You just don’t understand!” I yelled desperately, my voice still somehow weak. He stared at me with those wide, puppy-dog like eyes, and I didn’t know what he was thinking.

“What I don’t understand is what you want, Julissa. I get that you’re hurting and I get that you want help and don’t know how to get it, but I’m here. I’m here and you push me away continuously.”

“But I’m not.” It felt like a bullet went straight through my chest when I said this, when I saw Cass in my head again. “I… I can’t hurt anymore, Nick. I just-I can’t…” I lifted my hand up to my cheek, desperately trying to feel the tears, but they weren’t there. And I was even more frustrated.

“You think you’ll be fine,” he breathed, his breath intake slow, “and you think you’ll be normal, but that won’t happen, Jules. Don’t hide from your mom. Don’t hide from Cass. Don’t hide from me.” His voice sounded desperate again, but he somehow managed to keep his composure, and then I remembered that this was Nick and that I was screwing up over, and over, and over again. “You have to fight,” he stressed, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. “You have to fight for yourself and what you believe in, and you have to stay strong. Stop hiding.”

I couldn‘t do anything but whisper. “It’s all I’ve ever done. It’s all I’ll ever be good at.”

“And stop lying to yourself,” he said, his voice soft again. He swallowed hard and kept his eyes on me, making me nervous and frustrated and giddy all at once.

“You don’t know.”

“The song, Julissa.” That simple sentence tore it. That simple sentence told me that this was my fault and that I had to take responsibility. And I was done.

“Okay, Nick! I like you. I like you and I’ve always liked you, and I don’t know what to do! Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want me to tell you? That I‘ve spent the past years of my life wishing that I were Cass so I‘d have someone like you there for me? To tell me I‘m important and that you love me?”

He knew, but the look of shock in his eyes told me that there was still a doubt in his mind, and now he knew. He knew how I felt and he knew what I couldn’t admit, and he knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

“I’ve been hiding all this time and still nothing works out. Not Mom, not Cass, not you and me-” I stopped immediately and looked down, my face flushing. Nick opened his mouth but I quickly cut him off, refusing to hear his voice again. “And I’m done. I’m done with what I can’t handle.”

“And what exactly is that?” he whispered He was doing it again; he was staring right through me, trying to get to me again.

“Everything.”

I stood there for one more second, taking everything about him in while I could, and then I knew I had to hide. I had to run.

Before I could even breathe I was already out the door and running down the steps, the tears still reusing to leak. I ran through the door, escaping Nick, but I couldn’t escape Cass. I could see her and I could want her, but she wasn’t there and she never would be.

And it was this time that I wished she had grabbed that song. It was this time that I wished she had ripped it in half because she wasn’t minding her own damn business, and it was this time that I wished I could tell her that I loved her for it. Because all I did was mess everything up. And I needed Cass to fix it.

I needed my spine. I needed my sister. And she was gone.