Hold up My Heart

I was only awake for ten minutes when Karina came into my room in just her underwear and a very large shirt. I smirked at her once she was sitting with me on my bed. I checked the time, 10:53 am.

"Did I seriously sleep in?" I grumbled.

Karina nodded before taking one of my cigerette's and lighting away. Stealing back my cigerette's, I also took one and lit it up. I'd only just noticed that Karina was in a very good mood, and I was going to start pressing questions now.

"Who this time? He must be special if you're this loopy." I laughed.

Karina rolled her eyes and tried to hide her blush, "Embry Call - he's amazing. I mean, we get along great and he totally distracts me from wanting to go out and party all the time." I gave her a disapproving look, that's not what we're supposed to do.

"So you've fallen in love with him?" I couldn't believe it. I had a strict rule against love and falling for it. I wouldn't let her ruin her life for some boy.

Karina shrugged, another blush creeping onto her face. I rolled my eyes, I knew it.

"It's not my fault that I like him in more than some sexual way." She mumbled. I gave her glare as I took a drag, instantly I was relaxed again. "And besides, " She continued, "We haven't even done it yet, and I don't want to rush into anything right now." I gawked at her, I was not hearing this.

I got up from my bed and stared at her, "Who are you, Karina? Just a few days ago you were willing to go all the way with Dougie for the coke, and now today you're going to repent yourself and become pure again? No, you can't do that Kari!" Frustration was overcoming me and I was become overly stressed. I needed to get out.

Karina scoffed, "You're the one who likes messing around with guys, I did that only because you and I are best friends. But I've actually found someone who cares and I have a lot of fun with Embry! You can't tell me what to do!" With that, she stormed out of my room, slamming my door in the process. Any more slamming and the door would break.

I sighed in aggravation, this is not what I needed. I didn't want to fight with Karina. I knew she deserved to have someone who cared, and maybe I was taking this out on her because I knew I could never find something like this with someone besides Jacob.

I needed a getaway, and somehow I was going to get it.

After a quick shower and a fast pace in drying off and changing my clothes, I walked downstairs to find Karina on the couch staring aimlessly at the television. I sighed, I knew I needed to aplogize.

"Hey, Kari?"

She rolled her eyes the minute I talked, "Go away."

This was going to be harder than I thought. Karina never gave up on her grudges, not for awhile, at least.

I chewed on my bottom lip, "I'm sorry, alright?" She gave me a shrug, signaling she wasn't in the mood to talk. So I left her where she was at, found myself outside walking pointlessly anywhere that wasn't enclosed. It wasn't long 'till I was wandering into the forest.

I had a faint memory of this forest, it was painful as I began to think of why I'd gone in there in the first place.

Jacob.

It was his fault that I wandered into the forest. I wasn't thinking - that much was true. I was too busy worrying about Jacob and why he left in the first place. My mind was exploding and shooting questions left and right at every possible second. I could remember my eyes watering, the tears pouring over and down my cheeks, the aching pain that began to throb in my chest.

It wasn't as painful as it was now; I was now Jacob's imprint, and apparently being away from your imprint could be deadly if you tried hard enough to stay away. I was guessing that death must have a higher frequency of pain than what I was feeling right now.

I hated how I was feeling. The pain never stopped, even when I was drugged up - though sometimes I'd be too out of it to notice the pain. But it never went away. I hated Jacob for making me feel the way I do. I felt repulsed at the persistance that he held inside, he was never giving up on me - us. But I wouldn't let there be an 'us'. No, of course not.

Jacob. Made my life a living hell. Altered my feelings from love and joy, to hate and pain. It's like once he left, some negative energy found its way to me and changed my perception. I suddenly felt the need for destruction on myself, and others, of course. I wanted to live in the chaos and not have to care about the rules and control that surrounded me. And after that force had found its way into me, God did I feel so much better.

I suddenly loved this new feeling - hating everyone and everything living, breathing, and even things that had no life. My old self had finally disappeared and this new person that I became made me feel so much better. I never had to think about him and the hell that he put me through. I didn't have to cry over my intense reactions to him leaving me with no answers, no goodbye.

I didn't care any longer. Nor would I ever.

At least, that's what I thought - until he came back and caused this new, irreplaceable pain that imbedded itself into my chest.

The pain never stopped, sadly. The pain of him leaving still lingered in my mind, in my heart. The pain of him coming back never replaced that old pain, but teamed up with it, just to kick me down even lower. It got worse with each day that passed, with knowing that Jacob was back for good, and it could have killed me to know that he thought everything was alright - like he hadn't even left in the first place.

Oh, if I only had a gun right then and there - I would have killed myself, no doubt.

Through all of this thinking I hadn't even realized that I was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mossy trees and green grass. I turned around, darting my eyes in all directions to find even the smallest opening of a way to get out. There was no use in searching harder, no doubtfully ending up back where I first started, so I found a small moss-covered cusion on the ground besides a tree. This wasn't the most comfortable postion ever, but it'd have to do.

I needed something to take this pressure off my mind. I stuffed my hand in my pocket before pulling out a small bag of coloured pills. This would have to do, I had nothing else with me. I popped at least four in my mouth, at least I think it was four. I swallowed, I flinched at the bothersome feeling I got as they slowly went down my throat.

I closed my eyes seconds later, letting the pills take over as I concentrated on the sounds around me; the quietness of the forest, yet at the same time it was very loud and obnoxious. The sounds eachoed off the trees and back to where I was sitting, but it was nothing too eerie or unpleasantful.

I hadn't realized the slow motions in my head that seemed to separate reality from dreams, the thin line between them both so close and hardly even noticeable. I began to lose feelings in my legs, and soon my arms; every part of me began to calm down, relax. My mind was telling me to sleep.

"So you're saying that you'd run around the streets of Forks, Washington, naked, rather than put your head in a toilet?" Jake chuckled at my choice in our game, I then following suitely with a small laugh.

"Of course, I mean, seriously I would not want to put my head in a toilet - they're dirty." I stated bluntly, smiling at Jake. He rolled his eyes before sticking his hand in my hair and messing it up. I swatted his hand away and pushed my hair back down to how I liked it.

"You girls worry too much about your hair," He mumbled, a small smirk crawling onto his face as I sent him a playful glare.

"And you boys worry too much about girls and what they think of you."

Jake shook his head, "No, not at all."

I rolled my eyes, giving Jake a small shove. "Let's just get back to the game." He nodded. Putting a finger on my chin and tapping repeatedly as I thought of something, Jake sighed impatiently. "Okay, I've got it!" I smirked.

"Alright, shoot."

"Would you rather find true love, or ten million dollars?" I asked, watching Jake skeptically as he thought about his answer.

"I want that money," He smirked, I gasped, smacking his arm.

"That's just horrible, Jake!" I laughed and shook my head. I knew he was joking around, we were best friends - I could definitely tell when he was kidding around, even when he played a serious look on his face.

He smiled at me, "You know I'm kidding, Arabella."

I rolled my eyes, "You know I hate when you call me that, Jake."

"But you know that I'll never stop calling you that, Arabella." His warm breath shot down the side of my neck, sending chills up and down my spine. I had to roll my eyes to disguise the feeling that I had towards him when he was this close to me.

I groaned, "It's your turn, Jacob." He smiled again at me before thinking of a question. His eyes went wide and his smile brightened as he got an idea. I shivered inwardly at his perfect beauty, his smile could do wonders in an instant.

"Alright, I've got it," He began. "Would you rather jump of the La Push cliff, or..." He hesitated, his face was beginning to come closer to mine. Why was he doing this? Did he like me like I liked him? No, that was an understatement on my part. I thought that I loved Jake, but he didn't feel the same way, did he? His was was mere centimeters from mine when he whispered, "Kiss me?"

The kiss, oh how perfect it would have been if I hadn't chickened out and doubted his feelings. I'd whipped my head to the side, his warm, soft lips grazing across my cheek. He let out a small huff, not expecting that I'd turn away.

"Arabella -"

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I chewed on my bottom lip, hard enough that it could break skin if I really meant to cause damage. Jake shrugged it off, though. I knew I'd hurt him, I'd known him forever, it wasn't that hard to tell when he was frusterated about something. He began to play with my fingers, his warm hand interlocking with my own absentmindedly.

"Jake?" I began. He looked up, a small smile on his face. "Good, you're back to normal," I laughed. He let out a throaty chuckle as he brought me into his arms for a friendly hug. This was how it all begun, wasn't it?

~

My eyes slowly opened, I was shaking like crazy, almost convulsing from being so cold. My skin crawled in one massive wave of stimulus up my arms and legs. I pulled myself closer together, hoping that this would warm me up in some way. It was dark, the moon was shining, glistening through the trees. I'd been out here for too long, I'd fallen asleep for too long. I wondered if Karina was worried, or if she even noticed.

I sighed, a shaky breath escaping through my blue lips. I hated this time of the year, it being hot in the day time, freezing at night. I didn't even have a coat on, which made matters worse. The pills were still in my system no doubt, and they made me shake now, I hadn't done anything to clear them out of my body. I didn't think that was so good.

Where was I? I couldn't remember where I'd stumbled to earlier in the daytime. I knew I was still by that tree, I could feel it with my frozen hands. No one had found me, no one had looked for me, had they? I remembered that I was way too far into the forest, I'd walked forever this morning, ending up here.

I needed to get up, find somewhere to go, and quickly. I was stiff, my back and legs sore from the position I'd layed myself in. I grasped onto the tree for support as I let the blood rush back to my head. I hated this feeling; light-headedness, dizziness. I was confused, too, and tired, exhausted and cold, I just wanted to go back to sleep, and maybe never wake up; it all depended on the force of my feelings.

I began to walk, stumble, and sometimes fall, through the forest. I knew I wasn't going the way I'd come into the forest, somehow, at least. I was just walking though, not really paying attention to where I would end up. I felt cuts on my legs, I must have lashed around in my sleep, or layed with too much pressure on thorns and sticks. Who knows.

I could feel the small aches in my ankles form as I walked around trees and stumbled over logs. It was dark, so of course it'd be hard to find my way. But I found a light in the distance, it wasn't too far away, maybe twenty feet or so. I could get help and find my way back to the house.

I smiled as I ran out of the forest, finally in a clear opening. I walked to the small house, the lights were bright, lighting over the whole front yard. Releasing a sigh I climbed the porch steps and knocked on the door roughly. My eyes were beginning to close, I'd open them with seconds to spare as the door opened. That's when I began to feel dizzy.

I rubbed at my eyes, I tried to keep myself awake. But I was just too weak and tired, I could hardly hold myself up anymore. I began to fall, I could feel it. And then I felt warm arms catch me, caress me in those warms arms. His voice echoed in my head, repeating and slowly fading. His panicked voice picking up some speed in reality, but slowing down in mine.

"Arabella!"