Hold up My Heart

I was surprised when Karina pulled me into the car without saying anything. I was also surprised that she’d said nothing about my outbursts every two seconds.

I swayed back and forth patiently as Karina was inside the liquor store – using her fake I.D. of course. I kept blacking in and out, and the last time I’d done it, I had woken up to the sound of the stereo blasting Lacuna Coil.

Grasping at my ears I mumbled, “Can you turn that down? My head hurts?”

Karina scoffed and shook her head, “You totally drugged yourself up before coming.”

Shrugging I reached for the volume notch, but quickly yanked my hand back when Karina slapped my hand. I gave her a small glare, in which she returned.

“Hey, you dragged me into this.” I protested a second later. Karina pulled off onto a gravel road and minutes later she put her car in park and turned to me.

“Yeah, because I didn’t want to go alone and Embry told me that Jacob wants you here.” Glaring at Karina I locked my door and held myself in the car.

“I’m not going. You totally killed my high, Kari.” She laughed and hopped out of the car, her hands full of vodka and other liquors that I’d be attaining myself to later.

I heard chuckles and mumbling from outside the car and peered out to see Karina hugging Embry. I could have gagged if it were possible.

Not even realizing what was happening, the door on my side opened up and my glare set straight to Paul, who was obviously smirking.

“Don’t you dare touch me.”

Paul shrugged, and pulled me out of the car. I latched onto the door with my hands for dear life and screamed a bunch of profanities, threatening Paul to let me go.

“Come on, Arabella –“

“Don’t fucking call me that,” I growled. I could hear Embry and Karina snickering from behind and before I could turn my head to yell at her, I was unhooked from the car and thrown over Paul’s shoulder.

“See, Ara, if only you listened you wouldn’t have to be carried to the bonfire.” Kari laughed and stuck her tongue out at me.

Giving her my best death glare I growled, “You are so dead.” She shook her head and chuckled before running off to catch up with Embry.

“Paul, you should really put me down.” I grumbled. My body was bouncing up and down from each step that Paul took.

I could feel him chuckled, the rumbling vibrating through his body. “Nah, I don’t think I will.”

Rolling my eyes, I looked down at Paul’s butt – which was right in my face. “Hey Paul?”

“Yes?” He asked, I could just hear the smirk in his voice.

I blinked, not believing what I was about to do. “You like your butt, right?”

“Yes?” He answered unsurely. Since my hands were caught under my stomach, and I was currently held on by Paul, the only thing I had left was this.

“Well, maybe you should listen next time,” I said before sinking my teeth into the fabric of his jeans, and pinching his skin where is butt was.

Letting out a girlish shriek, Paul dropped me and grabbed a hold of his butt. Sending him a glare, I got off of the ground and wiped myself off of sand.

I heard laughing coming from around the fire and I looked over to see everyone staring and chuckling at the two of us.

“What’d she do to you, Paul?” I heard Jared ask between snorts of laughter.

Paul gasped in shock, his hands still holding firm place on his butt, “She fucking bit my butt!”

Instantly the boys around the fire burst out in all different kinds of laughter. Quil and Embry were in the left corner snorting like stupid pigs while the others made a high-pitched like laugh to which resembled a hyena’s sound.

But one boy prominently stood out to me. And I regretted it instantly when his eyes locked with my own. His face was contorted into a disgusted, yet humorous way. I was impressed that he’d controlled himself this time.

“She really does become the one in charge,” Seth chuckled; the others around the fire became quiet and stared at him, and then to Jacob, and then back to Seth. And as if everyone was expecting it, I heard a loud smack and then a groan and watched as Seth grabbed at the back of his head, his face etched in pain.

Biting my lip, I ignored what had just happened and followed Kari over to the log. She grabbed herself a drink as we passed the open table. Following what she’d done, I grabbed one and settled next to her.

As everyone began to chat in their own little groups, I was left to stare at the sand beneath me. It wasn’t like I didn’t mind – I didn’t. I would rather have been alone than be here in the first place. My thoughts had been interrupted by the guys’ laughing and greeting to someone else.

When I looked up, all of the blood was drained from my face. My heart began to beat horrifically as our eyes connected. I couldn’t look away like I wanted to before; the shit I’d taken before didn’t do much for me – and that pissed me off.

Literally tearing my eyes away from Jacob’s, I turned over to Karina and tapped her shoulder. I whispered that I was going to go take a walk and that I’d be back later. She nodded with a smile before grabbing my hand and placing a joint into mine.

She knew I’d get the least bit stressed here; she was prepared when I wasn’t. I smiled down at her as I pulled myself off of the log. I ignored the questions being called behind me from Paul and just kept walking. It began to get darker all around me as I walked farther and farther away from the fire. Once I was out of site, I ripped my out lighter and quickly lit up the joint.

Inhaling deeply, I began to feel relaxed the minute the drug entered my system. It felt so good to be able to let go – even if only for a while. I was totally calm, passable; I was even able to settle down on the ground without force and difficultly.

Taking another drag I inhaled before blowing back out. The moon was bright tonight – brighter than I’d even seen it before. The smoke that I’d just let out of my mouth was easily visible in the light. I began to feel so uncertain as I smoked more, but the same feeling was intervened by the force of my I don’t give a fuck attitude.

I giggled lightly; laying my head back against a rock and watching the moon make funny shadows in the sand. I saw a rabbit – which made me squeal, before seeing just a big cloud of nothing. But what intrigued me the most was a man-like shadow walking towards me. The shadow got bigger with every step it took. The muscles on this thing were huge, and they seemed to transform and grow as it got closer.

I felt my upper body sway as the moon transformed this shadow into an actual human. This man – for sure, was tan and large. He looked mighty attractive from the neck and down. And when the moon’s light hit over the man’s face, I let out a sharp giggled and smiled over at the person who looked all too familiar.

“Jakey!” I coughed after taking my closely-finished joint and sucking up another lung full of the drug’s magical works. I definitely knew it was Jacob – my mind had told me that much.

Reaching my arms out I grasped onto the air, a simple gesture easily understood by Jacob himself. When he’d reached me, I let out a small squeal and bounced in my small spot.

I heard him sigh loudly, “Arabella, what the hell are you doing?” His hands reached out for me and when I got a hold on his hands, I yanked him downwards, where he came falling onto me. I giggled as he grunted and pushed himself off of me and sat beside me instead.

“Isn’t the moon pretty, Jakey?” I whispered, while slowly a smile appearing on my face. I glanced over a Jacob, who was desperately looking at me, like he was trying to find something. Sticking my tongue out at him I scooted closer to him, minimizing the space between us.

When I’d looked back up at Jacob, he let out a small gasp and his eyes were wide – almost full of shock. “Arabella, you’re high aren’t you!?”

I giggled again, nodding my head before hiding my face. I heard him sigh again before feeling two warms hands grabbing at my sides. I squealed and looked up, swatting Jacob’s hands away.

“No, I’m not leaving!” I yelled. Jacob tried to quiet me down as I ranted about staying and watching the moon do flips in the air while the stars did the Salsa dance around it. He’d finally given up when I threatened his little friend.

We sat there, in muted silence, not one sound but the waves crashing onto the shore were in good range for at least me to hear. Jacob on the other hand, could hear just about anything, with him being a wolf and all. The moon was huge, which got me interested in it, again. I pictured so many images in my head, it’s like the moon had shot them through my eyes with it’s bright beams and now all I could do was watch, and remember.

I saw millions of things fly by; they were all different. Every single image was different in their own way. But the things that never changed were the smiles on Jacob’s, or my face.
As soon as the images disappeared, I turned to Jacob and poked at his arm. What I had realized what that his eyes, his gaze, had never left my face.

“Do you remember that time I lied to Mr. Hatch about sticking my gum to his chalkboard? I did that every day and he’d always turn beat red in the face because he got so mad. I can’t believe I did that – I was only ten.” I sighed, smiling up at the sky.

I’d found my way to leaning my head on Jacob’s shoulder as I continued asking him pointless questions about the past – our past. Yes, I was high, drugged up; but I could still think for myself when I was able to.

Jacob chuckled after I’d told him about the mud pies we used to make. “Yeah, and Quil had actually fallen for the joke, thinking it was a chocolate cake.”

I laughed with Jacob, “He was a total goner after that first bite.” I could feel Jacob sigh, his breathing inhaling dramatically.

I don’t know how it ever got to this, but somehow Jacob had put his arm around me and pulled me into him. And now we were laughing away at all of these memories we’d shared and experience together. There was something there in the pit of my stomach that urged me to go on, to say it. I blew my bangs out of my face before sitting up to look at Jacob. It was time he knew how I felt about him.

“You know, I thought of you as more than a best friend way before we even began to really talk.” I blinked, smiling at him. “Once we were best friends, things just began to click and I knew it was you – the one that I liked. And we were only nine at the time.”

I felt Jacob’s grip tighten on me, so I continued. “And when that day came when we spilled out our true feelings for each other – God I was so happy; you have no idea how badly I’d been wanting that to happen.” I sighed, smiling down at my legs.

And when I looked back up, my eyes had gotten glossy, I could feel wetness rain down on my cheeks. I was crying. “You were probably the best thing that had ever happened to me. When my parents fought, you were there. When my dog Rocky died, you were their, holding me close; you just let me cuddle in your arms and cry. You were perfect, Jacob.”

I could see it now, Jacob was looking uncomfortable. He knew what was coming. I was going to let out my true feelings of compassion and love for him, and then I’d lash out at him for leaving me.

“You, well, Jacob; you were –” I’d been cut off in a short matter of time when my nervous system, and the rest of my body, went down. I’d blacked out, I knew that, and I realized that getting high and spilling out some information to Jacob wasn’t in my plan – but it worked.

If only I could smile and know that I was smiling, well, I would have given the chance to know that Jacob was going to have to suffer like I did. Suffer to a further extent that I ever had endured.

He deserved this, anyways.