Hold up My Heart

I was surprised that Karina didn’t catch me coming home extremely late. She wasn’t even home and it was well passed midnight. But I didn’t care so much, I liked being alone sometimes. And now that I’ve got this little brown bag, I may have found my new best friend. But when I’d gotten to my room, I all of a sudden felt a wave of dizziness. I placed the brown bag on my dresser and let myself fall towards the bed.

I didn’t know what had just happened, but I guaranteed that it was from the loss of control over the drugs. I’d have to keep using them to stop this drowsiness that overcame me at random times.

It was later when I could feel myself tossing and turning, my arms getting stuck in the covers, my hair covering my face from all of the movement. It was pointless; I wasn’t going to be able to sleep any longer. When I opened my eyes, I let out a groan and reflexively covered my eyes with my arms. The sun was way too bright to be out, in all honesty.

Kicking my feet out of bed, I pushed down until I could feel the carpet on my skin. I’d pushed myself out of my bed quickly, though it felt like minutes before I’d gotten to my feet.

I didn’t bother looking in the mirror; there was too much time being wasted in staring at your own reflection, looking deeply for the hidden flaws. I heard a noise downstairs, which caught my attention at once, and this time I almost ran down the stairs.

My eyes connected with Karina’s, which were filled with absolute pain and confusion. Running up to me, she pulled me into a hug, it was a tight hug, and I didn’t like it.

“What’s wrong, Kari?” I asked slowly, making sure I didn’t sound overly thrilled that she was coming back to me instead of depending on Embry all the time.

Karina looked up at me and shrugged, wiping few tears away. This is the point where I got worried; if Embry had done something to her, hurt her in any way, there would possibly be an apocalypse.

I sighed as she put herself back together, all in one piece. “Jacob told me what happened.” My eyes went wide; my lungs weren’t getting air from the lack of oxygen that I could inhale. Did she just say his name, the one boy that I despise deeply?

Blinking, I backed up to get a good look at her expression; honesty. “What do you mean?” I hadn’t the clue on what she was talking about, and what Jacob had even told her, but I was scared, because her finding out anything could ruin me.

She sighed before pulling us both over to the couch. She turned to me and whispered, “You’re not the only one hurting here, Ara.”

Little had I known, her hand was on mine; her way of reassuring. Pulling my hand away from hers, I scoffed, “What makes you think I’m hurting, Karina?”

It shocked me when Karina reached over and pulled down my shirt, just above my chest. I watched as her eyes took in every visible scar etched onto my skin. There were many, but most of them were fading, nothing at all too serious.

“Jacob told me,” Karina whispered as she let out and pulled back. “I mean, Embry told me about this imprinting thing, after Paul phased right in Emily’s kitchen.” She let out a small laugh and shook her head, “Man, he is screwed. You should have seen the look on Emily’s face, Ara –“

“Karina, shut the fuck up!” I almost yelled. She flinched back; she was fighting the urge to say something back to me. But she knew this was not the time for it. I got up from the couch and began to walk up the stairs. I hear Karina follow me and when I tried to shut my door, she got in the way of it and came into my room.

“How, how can you even be okay with this shit, Kari? Your boyfriend and his friends are fucking wolves! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” I turned around at her, I hated fighting with Karina but it might be the only way she’ll listen.

I began to strip down into just my underwear and bra, before pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a gray t-shirt that said Let’s get fucked up, formatted in big bold silver letters.

“I’m taking this ‘okay’ because I actually like the guy that has imprinted on me. I actually let my feelings be known, and real. Unlike you, who bottles up all of your shit because you want to look like nothing is wrong,” Karina was getting fierce, until she began to whisper the last part, “when really, we all know you’re dying inside.”

I rolled my eyes, clearing out every thought in my head and just going with what my mind was telling me. I pulled on some converse sneakers before grabbing a jacket and my brown paper bag. I turned around and headed to the door, but Karina was all too fast.

“Come on, Arabella.” Her voice was calm again, almost soothing and persuading-like. But I wasn’t going to fall for it now, nor ever.

“Get the hell out of my way,” I muttered as I shoved her to the side. She squeaked lightly as I got through my door and quickly I ran down the stairs. But she was on my tail, and I needed to get rid of her. This was all I could do. “No, Karina,” I turned around to face her as I began to back up to the front door. “I’m not going to just fall back into Jacob’s trap, just because he imprinted on me. I don’t give a flying fuck on what pain I’m in, or what pain he is in. I – I,” I couldn’t finish, my breath was caught in my throat when I looked to see who was right on the other side of the glass, hearing every single word I said.

Jacob’s face look pained from my words. But soon it morphed into curiosity, and then back to pain when he looked straight into my eyes. I knew he let my words slide; he was only looking to make sure I was alright. And I didn’t even know how I knew any of this. Maybe the imprint thing got into my head a bit too much.

Groaning, I rolled my eyes and shoved open the door before running out into the left side of the house, where the forest had grown tremendously. I didn’t care if Jacob was a wolf, I’d make sure he could never find me, - as long as this new drug didn’t control me too much.

~

I sat along a wall of rocks, in a cave that wasn’t so much deep. But if you looked on the outside, you wouldn’t be able to tell I was there, with the waterfall pouring over the edge from up top.

I didn’t know there was even such a place as here, in La Push. I’ve never actually taken the time to wander around in the forests. I wasn’t the mindless; but I guess today was a brand new day for me.

Letting out a breath, I looked down at the needle and the small bottle. I’d already filled the needle ten minutes ago; I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I had to make a tourniquet out of my head band that had always been around my wrist. I tied it tight just over the crease in my elbow.

Looking back out into the open forest, I let my eyes wander around more. I found the pattern of the falling water just above me, beautiful. It was intriguing, and even though I wasn’t high yet, I could already see things; things that I hadn’t seen before. But maybe I could try it now, I thought I was ready.

Going back down to the needle, I picked it up with shaky fingers and grasped it in my hand. I let the needle find its place on the tip of my skin, where the purple color was almost glowing through. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the needle into my skin and began to press down on the tip. Instantly as the drug began to make a course through my veins, I felt it.

After pulling out the needle, I mindlessly threw it into the corner of the cave, away from me. I untied my head band and wrapped around my wrist. This was all before I leaned my head against the hard rock and closed my eyes. I felt my breathing slow down to a steady rhythm, even though it wasn’t really much of anything.

My arm was tingling, and I knew it was from the drug that was spreading its way through my veins. It felt as if the needle was still inside of my skin, pushing the liquid poison into my bloodstream. I felt my mouth twitch just slightly, before I’d actually regret doing this. This drug was the enemy, and only now had I realized that it was a bad idea to do this. All of these memories just flooded through me like a zap from the past; the contrast of the memory was light and a bit fuzzy, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

Just the horrible fact that what I was seeing, was all because of me and my fascination with new drugs.

I glanced over at the river that was running right in front of me. It wasn’t one of those rivers that continued downstream all the way to some other state; it was nothing like the Mississippi – where I had actually grown up with. But it was beautiful, and I treasured the scene every time we’d come together.

I stayed seated on the bench that held off the perfect spot for watching the sun set. I was waiting for Jacob to get back with the ice-cream. Well, he was a fan of that; I was just a fan of Dippin’ Dots.

My smile widened as I felt the bench move just the slightest, my head turned towards Jacob, who help a chocolate cone in one hand, and a spoon with a small cup of dippin’ dots in his other. Taking the cup, I took a spoonful and almost inhaled the small sherburt dots.

“You sure are a greedy one,” I heard Jake say with a small chuckle. Rolling my eyes I took another spoonful and made an ‘mmm’ sound, signaling that it was in fact, delicious.

“Well excuse me for being the least bit crazed about this; they never had this back home, Jake.” I smiled, and he smiled back; he knew about that, and I knew he was actually joking around. But it was true, back home in St. Louis, I lived very close to the Mississippi River, and I fell in love with the small gathering spots that I’d learned to go to almost every day to just watch the peacefulness of the place.

Skipping out of my thoughts, I scooted closer to Jacob as I took the last mouthful and tossed it into the nearest garbage. Jacob had already been done, which I’d just noticed, and I smiled in adoration at how perfect this boy really was.

“Someone’s love struck,” Jake teased in a sing-song voice. His smile got wider after he’d seen the reaction in my face. Nudging him in the arm lightly, I stared down at my hands in embarrassment. Letting out a small chuckle, Jake whispered, “Is someone being a little shy, or are you embarrassed?” I didn’t answer him; instead, I turned my head to the left, where my eyes got attached to the colors forming in the sky.

I sighed after hearing Jake chuckle again. It became unexpected when his warm hand caught a hold of my chin and turned my head towards him. Our faces were now centimeters away from each other, my breathing – along with his, were beginning to get heavy. My voice got stuck in my throat, and even though I wanted to tell him to kiss me, I couldn’t say it. But clearly he read my mind because before I could even try to speak again, Jake was leaning in slowly and soon our lips touched lightly.

This wasn’t our first kiss, and even though it may have seemed like it, well, it wasn’t. We were both still trying to get used to this – used to what be were, what we are, and what we became. It was all too perfect and precise to be so real. With such clueless thinking, I pulled Jake’s head back down and attached our lips together again. His lips were so warm and soft, and his kissing made my heart race immensely. I didn’t want it to end, and I knew he didn’t either, but we had to. My heart skipped a beat sadly when he pulled away.

But I felt much more alive again when that contagious smile of his crossed his beautiful face.

Jolting out of the memory, I winced in emotional pain and slammed my head against the rocky wall. I felt a sting of pain but ignored the feeling as best as I could. I didn’t really give much thought to the wet liquid that began to soak the back of my head. My mind was still in the stage of recognition and settlement. The feeling in my veins began to disappear, and I frowned. The feeling was great in the beginning, but it all went away too fast.

Or maybe that memory had cleared things up a bit, I thought. I shook my head, hoping to throw that thought out of my head.

Looking down, I stared at my arms, watching for any certain movement that might intrigue me in the slightest. Nothing happened, and that’s when I realized that my high was about done, and I should start heading back. It would be stupid to go back, but I guess I needed to get it done.

After climbing out of the cave, I stood on the edge of the rocks, where the waterfall poured all of its water into. It was a small little pool, almost, and it looked pretty safe to jump into. Feeling the back of my head, I pulled my hand back to find blood stuck to my fingers. I definitely did hit my head hard. I though, I might as well jump and save myself from a bunch of questions of why my head was bleeding. So counting to three in my head, I closed my eyes and jumped, plundering into the pool-like pond.

It was cold, freezing, actually. But it felt nice on my heated skin. The water gentle with me as I swam back up to the surface. Upon opening my eyes, I looked up to find the sky turning darker, the clouds were a deep blue-ish purple, and soon the clouds began to light up, and two loud booms disrupted the sky.

“Shit,” I muttered as I swam over to the muddy edge of the pond. Pulling myself out of there – with the few times of slipping, I ignored the weight of the water that soaked my clothes and began to run back home. It was hard to see, with all of the rain pouring down and the redundant lighting and thunder blinding my eyes and pounding in my ears.

After slipping out of the woods, I stumbled up the steps to the house and aggravatingly yanked open the door, letting myself fall into the house. Grabbing the wall for balance, I let out a deep breath and stood up. When my eyes shifted and found those brown orbs, I could feel a sense of adoration and anger all at once. The negative emotion was the strongest, and if I didn’t control myself, I would have attacked Jacob within a second.

“Where the hell have you been, Ara?” Karina yelled as she ran to me with a towel. I was currently shivering from the coldness, my teeth were chattering and I’m sure I looked bad. Kari sighed as she wrapped the towel around me. “Your lips are blue, Arabella!” I caught myself there; I ignored the name and just took it. I was way too tired to argue over my name.

Kicking off my shoes, I muttered that I was going to my room, but stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that my bag wasn’t with me. Pivoting on my heels, I turned for the door, but was stopped when a warm hand grabbed my arm. I glared down at his hand and yanked it off. Guess I was going to need to get it tomorrow, I thought to myself. Besides, I had some stuff that I could use tonight.

Turning around again, I shoved my way past Jacob and practically ran up the stairs and slammed the door once I was in my room. And all I could remember after falling onto my bed, was noises of people running up the stairs, entering my room and turning me over to inspect something on my head.