Hold up My Heart

I regretted it. I regretted even saying yes to that date. It ruined me even more inside, made me feel even weaker, yet push me to go farther in my dark dangerous and lethal ways. All of that fighting and thinking made my headache worse. Yes, I hit my head when I was high, but I was fine; now I only had a headache, and it was much worse with all of this brought on.

My body was shaking, not because of the cold temperature outside on my balcony, not because I was only wearing a sweat shirt and shorts. Because that whole thing, it was too much, and I could do nothing but depend on the rush and relaxing calm of cigarettes and vodka. That was my only escape right now, I left my cocain in the cave – which I reminded myself I'd need to get soon.

I leaned against the railing on my balcony, watching over and taking in everything that was currently visible in my eyes. It was six o' clock in the morning and the sun was hardly coming up. I took another drag of my cigarette and the immense feeling of calmness entered my frigid body. I sighed, flicking the bud into the grass, before going inside and falling on my bed. I laid there, thinking of absolutely nothing, besides the exception of getting more shit from Tristan and Dougie when I was able to leave. The instant feeling of relief showered over my body, my eyes, I was soon entering a world of secure darkness.

~

I woke up to a hard slap on my ass. I turned around and glared at Karina who was giving me a triumphant smirk. I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back on the bed.

“Get the hell up, whore!” She yelled from a distance, I concluded that she was heading towards the door. Obeying her orders, I groaned loud enough for her and rolled off of my bed. I was very unsure on what was going on, but I pulled on a pair of black jeans and a turquoise tank top and white over layer.

“I'm up, what do you want?” I muttered as I jumped off the last step. Karina turned to smile at me, she was holding two coffees and handed one to me.

“We're going to Emily's, for the girl time,” She smiled; her voice was choppier than usual; that's when I knew she was lying. But as long as it was girl time and no guys around, I guessed I could maybe hang there for a little bit – all before stealing Karina's car. Thank you, double copy key, for when I need you to help me escape Karina's grasp.

“Sounds lovely,” I mumbled as I grabbed a jacket and my packet of cigarettes off the counter. Karina rolled her eyes when I offered her one, but in the end, she gave in and took one.

After lighting the both of our cigarettes up, Karina start the engine and took off towards Emily. I felt better now that I had something warm and smooth in my system. There was a tough edge to it as I sucked in the drug, but once released, all matters were now out of my hands. When Emily and Sam's house came into view, I muttered a few profanities under my breath, totally regretting to come along.

Karina chuckled as she pulled into the rocky driveway. “Don't worry, Emily and I made sure the boys didn't come around while we're here, at least Jacob shouldn't be around...” Karina sighed as she turned off the engine and hopped out of the car.

Flicking the cigarette out the window I also got out grudgingly and followed Karina up to the porch and quickly into the house. The first scent to hit my nose was something cooked and sweet, it had to be cookies.

“Em!” Karina hollered. Seconds later the flawless and beautiful Emily came into the room and smiled at the two of us.

“Good, you both are here! I need some help with the food.” Emily smiled and let go of Karina to give me an awkward hug.

I grimaced, “Food for what?”

She smiled, “For the boys, of course!” She turned and went into the kitchen which was in perfect view of the living room and front door.

My eyes went into slits and turned to glare at Karina, whose face was white as a ghost. “You fucking liar!” I hissed in a whisper so Emily couldn't hear. “You said they weren't coming!”

Karina shook her head quickly and pulled me over to the couch. “No, I know I said that, Ara. The others are coming, but Jared is in charge of keeping Jacob away from Emily's. Everyone knows that we are both here, so it's not like the others could resist coming. It'll be hard as hell for Jared to keep Jake away.”

I gagged and rolled my eyes, leaning back against the couch. “Yes, that makes me feel loads better, Kari, truly it does!” My voice dripping with sarcasm.

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, pish posh, no need to thank me,” Smirking, she grabbed the remote and changed the channel to some chick flick that I honestly didn't feel interested in.

We, or I, seeing as Karina went and helped Emily in the kitchen, watched Mean Girls for about an hour before the sudden sound of lower laughter and heavy steps distracted my mind from the movie. My heart began to thump wildly as I winced inwardly, just waiting for that son of a bitch to skip into the house and still beg me to forgive him. But luckily, Jacob nor Jared were the ones to enter the house.

“Well, I still think that Mexico is a state. I mean, if New Mexico is a state why can't Mexico be a state? Mexico is in both of the names!” I watched Embry argue against Quil. I tried not to laugh – not that it was funny at all, just that their stupidity was funny, that was all.

I saw Quil roll his eyes and sigh, “Dude, it's no wonder you're failing Social Studies, you're a dumbass.” I snorted at his comment and looked away when their heads turned to me.

“Babe!” I heard Karina's happy shriek pierce my ears. She jumped into Embry's arms and whispered how much she missed him. I seriously thought about throwing myself out of the window to escape this love fest. Or maybe if I banged my head against the wall hard enough, I smash my skull and the pieces would stab through my brain and send signals to my heart to stop fucking beating.

I seriously contemplated that idea.

“Well if it isn't miss Fuck You Because You Left Me!” I glared at the voice, knowing instantly who it was. Paul chuckled and sat himself next to me, forcing his arm around my waist.

“Dude, if Jake finds out about you touching his girl...” Quil started, his eyes widened a little and he shook his head, as if to say that the results would be bad. I ignored the fact that Paul was trying to flirt with me, I mean I'd admit that he was hot, but I didn't want him... at least, that's what my heart told me.

“How have you been, beautiful?” Paul whispered into my ear. Again, I gagged, pushing myself to the farthest end of the couch. Paul chuckled and got up, he wasn't going to win any time soon, though he thought differently.

I glued my eyes back to the television, something that could distract me as much as possible from the pathetic immature wolf boys fucking around and eating like pigs. Mean Girls was still on, and nothing interesting seemed to happen, but I tried like hell to keep myself interested.

“That is soo fetch!” Embry said in a girlish voice, trying to imitate Gretchen. Karina was giggling like a little school girl and blushing like a tomato. The others laughed deeply with him and tagged along.

“Embry, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen!” Quil countered back in a sassy girl voice, just before he slapped his chest.”

Embry gasped and snapped his fingers, “Oh, no you didn't!” They began to girlishly slap each other and gasp with girlish voices.

Clearing my voice I ruined the fun with saying loudly, “Yeah, that's not even part of the fucking movie.” Frowning, the both of them stopped and sat back down, continuing to watch the movie as if it never ever happened. I knew I wasn't fun to be around, of course I wasn't. I mean, I was great to be around if there were drugs and alcohol involved.

I smirked as I reached into my coat pocket and grabbed my lighter and a cigarette. Ignoring the looks from the others I lit it and took a long drag before blowing it out with my head facing upwards.

“Ara!” Karina gasped. “What the hell are you doing? Don't do that in here!” Ignoring her, I took another drag and kept it held in my lungs for much longer. It was went I saw Jared walk inside with a scared look on his face, that I blew out the smoke.

After Jared rushed in, then came someone else, who was breathing heavily and stomping into the room. My heart stopped as I watched Jacob come into the room and throwing something on the coffee table. I kept my face straight, hiding any emotion that I was able to feel. Down on the coffee table was a brown clear plastic bag that held a glass vile and four needles.

Shit, shit shit!

But keeping it cool and calm was the only choice for me, so following what my mind told me to, I took another drag, blew it out and laughed. “Oh there they are, I was meaning to go back and get those!” I laughed again.

“Arabella, outside. Now.” He growled.