29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

“I’m going to slaughter your first born child and swim in their blood.” Lezlie yelled manically as she pounded away at the controller.

“I’m going to chop up your mother and feed her to you in a stew.” I retorted. We were both currently playing Halo. I know, a video game shouldn’t get us this riled up, but its Lezlie and I. We get riled up eating toast. It’s just how we act when we’re together.

We are both currently sitting directly in front of the T.V. with our tongues poking out the side of our mouths. I pushed her over so I could get to one of the vehicles first. We were currently having a fight, but we decided to use vehicles instead of hand to hand combat.

“Ok, I’m bored.” I said after she got into the vehicle.

“You’re just bored because I got there first. But I am kinda bored too. Mortal Kombat?” Lezlie said as she reached forward and unplugged the Xbox 360 and plugged in the Sega. She put in Mortal Kombat and handed me a controller. The game started and we got to choose our characters. Us playing Mortal Kombat is like begging for World War 3 to happen. We get so competitive that sometimes we won’t talk to each other afterwards.

She chose Scorpion and I chose Raiden. “Raiden is definitely the best.” I said as the fight started. “You wish.” Was her response and we commenced with beating each other’s characters senseless.

“I will bury your little brother alive.” Lezlie shouted while using a gruff, manly voice.

“I’ll kidnap Rebecca. You’ll never see her again.” I shouted with a fake oriental, angry man accent. We had taken on the persona of our characters.

“What the hell?! I don’t want to go anywhere.” I heard someone say behind us. We both turned around to see Rebecca standing there in night clothes. She looked like she had just woken up.

“What are you guys still doing up? And shouting, none the less, at three o’clock in the morning. Are you two crazy?” she said irritatedly. I turned back to the game and turned it off. Rebecca walked into the kitchen and started rummaging through the cabinets for something. As I unplugged the Sega and switched the T.V. back to cable, Lezlie got up to go see what was up with Rebecca.

“Baby, why don’t you go back to sleep?” She said in a soothing tone.

“I would still be sleep if it wasn’t for you two.” She grumbled. I got up and went into the kitchen too. Lezlie hugged her; Rebecca struggled for a bit but then gave in.

“Sorry, hun.” Lezlie said. I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and turned to leave.

“Oh no you don’t.” Rebecca said as she took the soda from me.

“You’ll be up all night if you drink this. Here, have some apple juice.” She pulled a juice box out of the fridge and threw it to me. I caught it and jumped up and down, excitedly.

“What’s her problem?” Rebecca asked, still cuddled into Lezlie’s arms.

“She has this infatuation with juice boxes. Just ignore her, she’ll stop soon.” Lezlie replied and resumed kissing Rebecca’s neck. I stopped jumping and walked back into the living room to leave them to their intimate moment. I plopped on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table. I started surfing the channels and finally stopped on Final Destination 3.

I turned it up some since they were starting to get loud in the kitchen. I mean, I didn’t want to be rude and be all like stop yo, yeah that’s right, I’m gangsta. But I also didn’t want to hear the giggles and moans escaping the kitchen. They got louder so I turned up the sound some more. There was a really loud explosion on the T.V. and I heard a squeal come from the kitchen. Suddenly, Lezlie stormed out and stood in front of the T.V. I looked up at her innocently.

“What are you watching?” She said agitatedly. “Final Destination 3.” I replied. Rebecca walked out the kitchen blushing. She reminds me of a child sometimes, she’s just that darn cute.

“Well did you have to turn it up so loud?” Lezlie asked.

“I was trying to let you two love birds have your moment. You were being kinda loud and I have a visual mind, so I turned it up to spare my mind’s eye.” I replied simply. Rebecca blushed harder and sat down next to me on the couch, careful to avoid eye contact.

“Oh, sorry mate.” Lezlie said as she sat on the other side of me. We continued watching Final Destination. The only difference being that you could practically cut a knife through the sexual tension in here.



After Final Destinations 3, 2, and 1, I decided it was probably time to go. “You wanna watch another movie?” Rebecca asked as her got up to put another movie in the DVD player.

“No, I think I should be heading home now.” I said as I stood and stretched. I’m so tired; I might fall asleep on the way home.

“Aww, why?” Rebecca whined.

“Because, my dear, you can practically cut the sexual tension in here with a knife. As much as I love being around y’all, I’d rather not have to stew in this anymore.” I said in a joking manner. Rebecca turned beet red while Lezlie laughed so hard, she fell off the couch. It had actually gotten worse as the movies progressed. I grabbed my coat and walked towards the door.

“Don’t you want to change?” Lezlie yelled after me.

“Nope.” I yelled as I shut the door. As soon as I stepped out the door though, a blast of cold air hit me like a ton of bricks. Balls, I should have changed; these cotton shorts and this tank top are very protective. Oh well, a little cold won’t kill me.

I walked out of their apartment complex to mine across the street. As I ran up the stairs to my apartment, I felt my body temperature slowly decreasing. I ran to my door and hopped around outside as I tried to find my key. Crap, I left my keys in my pants, in Lezlie’s apartment. Right as I was about to knock on the door, Alex opened it looking very tired.

“Where were you?” he asked sleepily. I rushed forward and slammed the door shut behind me.

“I-I’m s-s-so c-c-c-cold.” I said as I ran into our room and jumped in my bed. I pulled the covers around myself and snuggled into the warmth. Wait, bed? I jumped up and looked at the strange bed. It was the same size as my other one, but it had a different bed spread. It looked awesome.

“Surprise!” He said as he climbed back into bed. He pulled the covers over his head and sighed with content. I pulled the covers off of him and he whined in protest.

“What’s this?” I asked. Where did this thing come from?

“It’s a bed genius.” He muttered as he blindly grabbed for his covers.

“Obviously, but where did it come from?”

“Me. I bought you one, because you didn’t have one.” He said as he finally grabbed the covers back and pulled them over his head.

“Thank you.” I was truly shocked. I’ve been nothing but mean to this guy and he buys me a bed, fully furnished. I kinda just stood there for a second, debating whether I should hug him or not. I got my answer when I heard soft snores coming from the mound of covers that is my roommate. I’ll let him sleep. I walked over to my new bed and snuggled under the covers. Maybe he’s not that bad of a roommate after all.