29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I walked up the stairs to the apartment. I have to admit, to other people, I probably look crazy as Joker himself. I have a slightly sick smile on my face, but who could blame me? I’m about to see a twofer of epic proportions pay off. Oh I’m so excited, I could just spit. Oh, movie quotes how I love you. And a movie quote from To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything with Love from Julie Newmar makes it twice as loved. I skipped up to the door and unlocked it. I opened the door only to find disappointment. Everything looked the way it’s supposed to be. What happened? Or rather, what didn’t?

I stalked into the bedroom only to find Alex sleeping in his bed and the ferrets safe in their cage. Seriously?! What happened?! I walked back into the kitchen and started rummaging around in the cabinets noisily. I can’t exactly go ask Alex what happened, he’d know I’ve been scheming against him the entire time he’s been here. Well, I’m sure he already thinks that, but I refuse to confirm it. I slammed some cabinets shut before I turned around to grab some cereal. I screamed when I found a very unhappy looking Alex standing behind me.

“Holy Cheese! Did you have to sneak up on me?” I laughed out as I grabbed my cereal from behind him and sat to eat it, acting like nothing happened. He continued to glare at me. I stifled a giggle because of the way he looked. He was like a cross between a drowned cat and a pouty child. It’s hilarious and slightly endearing, but mostly just ridiculous.

“Really?! All that for some fucking cereal?!” He yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

“I didn’t know what I wanted. So, when I couldn’t find anything I liked, I opted for cereal.” I said matter-of-factly. He grumbled to himself as he grabbed some coffee and sat on the counter opposite of me. I started kicking my legs, letting them bang noisily against the cabinets below. Every time I hit the wood, he cringed a little.

“FUCKING STOP ALREADY!” he shouted. I gasped and stared at him with huge eyes. I’ve never seen him this aggravated. He glared at me, but soon his glare fell and was replaced by fatigue.

“I’m sorry; it was… just a long night for me.” He said. He put down his coffee mug and walked towards the bedroom.

“Oh, and by the way, you left the cage open before you left. It’s a good thing I went in there right after you to grab something because the little guys were already starting to climb out of the cage.” And with that said, he turned back to the bedroom and went back inside.

Fucking critters and their inability to do a simple task. A task they were made for, reeking mischievous havoc. I can't really blame them though, they're just too cute.

I followed after Alex into the bedroom and grabbed the ferrets. Alex’s shaggy hair was the only thing visible from the mound of covers on his bed. I grabbed my jacket and walked back over to Lezlie’s apartment.

“How’d it go? Did he cry?” she said excitedly as she opened the door. Rebecca squeaked from behind the door.

“Stop molesting your girlfriend and let me in please.” I said sourly.

“Damn, it didn’t work, huh?”She said as she stepped aside. I found a red faced Rebecca on the other side of the door. I shook my head sadly and texted Adeline to come get the ferrets. Lezlie lead me to the kitchen where she got me a juice box.

“But I want coffee!” I whined pitifully. Today is not turning out to be a god day, so sue me if I'm a bit moody.

“Ok, well we can go to Starbuck’s once the triplets get here.” Rebecca reasoned. I just sucked at my juice box pathetically and glared at the rodent, critter, mammal thingies.



I looked over my list of Ways as my friends all got their drinks.

“So, whatcha going to do today?” Adeline asked as she looked at the list over my shoulder. I hid it from her. No one except for Lezlie and I know what’s on the list.

“I’m not sure; I can’t find one that speaks to me.” I said as I looked it over again. I flipped to the next page and suddenly knew what to do.

“I got it!” I said.

“Can I borrow one of the ferret babies?” the triplets just looked at me weird before they nodded their heads eagerly. They’re trying to get rid of them. Turns out the breeder got a different batch from someone else, so now they're stuck with a bunch of ferrets.

“What for?” Charlie said apprehensively.

“For Operation Fizzy Ferret Cocktail, it’s not what you think though!” I added the last part because of the disgusted and shocked looks I received from around the table.

Operation Fizzy Ferret Cocktail: Get a small animal as a pet, or in this case a ferret, and let your roommate know about it. Coo over it and give it lots of attention. Keep this up for a few weeks all the while making a smoothie for breakfast each morning. Then, one day before your roommate wakes up, take the pet out of its cage and give it away or to a friend or something. You just have to get rid of it. That same day, start making a smoothie but use lots of ketchup. When your roommate asks what happened to the animal, tell them it’s in the smoothie. Watch your roommate freak. The cuter the animal, the better.

“I think you might just be a genius.” Roger muttered as I finished telling them what the operation was. I grinned like a maniac and chose the cutest little ferret out of the bunch. He was so tiny, simply adorable.

“Well, there’s no point in telling you that this is a stupid idea. I just hope the result you’re striving for is the one you really want in the end.” Charlie said with a disapproving look.

“It will be.” I sniffed. I picked up my coat, waved goodbye to my friends, and left for the pet store. Georgey needs a cage. That’s right, he has a name already.



I walked into the apartment all the while cooing at Georgey. I giggled as he yawned a great big yawn and curled into a ball.

“Whatcha got there?” Mike said as I walked into the living room.

“One of the ferret babies; I decided to keep one. His name is Georgey.” I said adoringly as I showed him my new pet. Mike smiled and cleared his throat before looking back at the television.

“You men and your need to not show ‘girly’ emotions.” I said as I walked into the room. Alex was sitting on his bed looking like he just woke up.

“What is that, a fucking bunny from one of your other friends?” he grumbled as he stood up. I had my back partially turned to him, but I saw him hurriedly sit back down. I looked at him questioningly. He blushed a little but stayed in his same position.

“Ummm… no. This is Georgey, my new ferret.” I said as I continued to eye him suspiciously. I looked at my cell phone when it started buzzing. A new text from Lezlie asked where the fuck I was. Crap, I forgot that I have to work tonight! I gently set Georgey down and rushed around the room gathering my uniform and other essentials.

“Where are you going now?!” Alex yelled as I ran out of the room.

“To work!” I yelled back.

“Wait!” I skidded to a stop as Mike rushed over to me.

“I’ll drive you, it’ll be faster.” He said. I looked at the clock on the wall in the living room and realized I had to be there in two minutes. I nodded eagerly and ran out of the apartment with him.

No more than a minute later, I was running towards the back of the Starbuck’s. I almost ran into a man on his way out. I opened the back door, only to find billows of smoke.

“Lezlie!” I screamed, about ready to dive into the smoke so I could save my bestest friend. I tried my best to peer through the smoke, not even caring that I was inhaling a lot of them. I just need to make sure Lezlie is safe.

“I’m here!” Lezlie said as she ran around the back of the building. I could hear sirens in the background as I hugged her close to me. All the while, she pulled me away from the burning building.

“I thought you were in there!” I yelled at her. Tears were so close to streaming down my face as I thought of possibly losing her.

“But I’m not, so it’s fine.” she said softly, rubbing circles in my back. I thanked whatever was up there that her statement was true.



After talking to the police for about an hour, Lezlie had gone home and it was just Mike and I. “Ok, bye.” He said as he hung up the phone, leaning next to me on his car.

“That was Alex. He just wanted to know what happened to me.” He explained as he looked across the lake. After that whole experience, he asked if I wanted to go anywhere. When I was younger, I used to walk to a lake close to my grandparent’s farm whenever I had a nightmare. This whole ordeal just seemed like one big nightmare. Since I couldn’t go to my lake, I opted for the one on campus. Mike said he would stay with me since he needed a breather too.

I watched as he reached into the front pocket of his jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He silently offered one to me, but I just shook my head. I don’t smoke, it makes my stomach hurt. He lit up and took a long drag.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he said. I turned to him. The way the light reflected off the lake and onto his face, it made his eyes glow. The scenery around resembled that of a movie. I couldn't help but be swept away with such a simple beauty. So, instead of getting further consumed by it, I stuck out my hand and he looked at it curiously.

“I’m not sharing anything until I get my penny.” I mused half-heartedly. That’s what an arson fire consuming your work place and almost your friend will do to you. Almost everything seems lack luster after an adrenaline rush like that.

He rummaged through his pockets before he pulled out a shiny, new penny. I plucked it out of his fingers and asked “What would you like to know?”

“Why do you hate Alex?” he said as he looked me dead on in the face. The burning intensity in his eyes mixed with the glowing effects of the lake made this moment almost seem sinister.

“I don’t hate him.” I mumbled.

“He’s a great guy and you’re treating him like crap, so what is it? Does he remind you of someone you hate? Is it his mere presence? What did he do?” I looked across the water as I thought about his question.

For the first time since he’s moved into my apartment, I thought of Alex as Alex not as the Roommate. I actually thought of his personality, his looks, his quirks, his everything that I knew about him. And I mean really thought. Not just the usually passing murmur of mind talk, but actually thought of him as something other than the Roommate. How he always drank a cup of coffee in the morning. How he never left his shoes in the hallway like I did, they were always placed neatly in our room. How his chocolate eyes twinkled sometimes before he smiled or laughed, something I don’t get to see very often. How he’s never truly mean to me, he’s always trying to be nice. That was more than I could say of myself. I thought of the way his eyebrows creased when he focused on something like homework. And then I thought about when I had actually noticed that and I have no idea. I thought and thought about all the things I knew and realized that they weren’t that many. But the part that scared me was that I wanted to know more.

“I don’t hate him.” I finally said. Glancing back at Mike. I could tell he was just being inquisitive, not really mean or anything.

“Could’ve fooled me.” Mike said as he put out the cigarette on the ground and stuck the butt in his car ashtray. I looked down at my feet. A feeling of guilt and shamefulness washed over me at his next words, ones I’m not sure I was supposed to hear.

“And him too.” He mumbled as he walked to his side of the car. I walked to mine, taking that as my signal that we were to leave. We both got in and he started the car, driving out of the park area that the lake is in and down the road.

“I don’t hate him, he just can’t stay.” I said, well more muttered.

“Why not?” Mike said firmly. I’m sure he was probably preparing himself to have to defend what I assumed was his best friend.

“I don’t know.” I looked out the window as rain started pounding against it, how cliché right? But it did. It rained just like it did in my heart as I realized I was hurting a perfectly innocent person.