29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I repositioned myself on Char’s bed. Something about sitting in a set position for the length of an episode tends to put your limbs to sleep. Off to the side, I watched as Char stretched and yawned. I glanced at the clock and realized that it was getting late; almost 9. I know, I know, nine at night is not late, but it is if you want to pull a Way.

I scrambled off the bed in search of my phone. I could feel Char’s eyes boring into my back. She’s probably wondering what I’m doing. As if she read my mind, or I read hers I’m not sure, she said, “What’re you doing?”

“I’m looking for my phone. I almost completely spaced the Way I was going to pull on Alex.” I replied. I heard a grunt of disapproval come from behind me. She can grunt all she wants to, I’m not going to stop. I will not stop until he is permanently out of my sanctuary. After all, I didn’t get “Most Likely to Succeed” from sitting on my ass and doing nothing. Granted, Alex has never done anything to deserve the way he’s getting treated until now, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t ask him to move out, plus I doubt he would anyways, and he’s too stubborn to see that he’s not wanted. So I guess I gotta up the ante.

“You know what, I’m done!” Char exclaimed, effectively scaring the crap out of me. I lost my balance, seeing as how I was standing on one leg, don’t ask why, and toppled over. Char giggled quietly at my expense. I looked back at her, but she’d sobered up all ready. I guess she really is mad. Hmm, I should probably ask her why she’s done; although I already know.

“Why’re you done?” I turned back to my search for my phone as I spoke. I didn’t have to be looking at Char to know that she’d rolled her eyes.

“Are you kidding?” She replied. I stopped searching and turned back to her. I gave her the most pointed, expectant look in my arsenal. The look on my face must’ve only angered her more because I could literally almost see the stream pour from her ears.

“Why am I done? Why am I done?!” She yelled at me. I have to admit, I jumped a little. Char never yells; like ever. She jumped off the bed and stormed up to me. “Why am I done? Because you’re constantly doing this! You’re always sabotaging every good thing in your life. I don’t know if it’s because you don’t want to be happy or if it’s because you just don’t know how to. Either way, you’re constantly fucking stuff up for yourself and then you spiral into depression when you do.” I sat, mouth gaping, as she began pacing in front of me. Holy hell, why is she being so... so... so un-Char-like?

“I mean, you like this guy, right?” I opened my mouth to retort but she cut me off. “But instead of maybe, I don’t know, asking him out on a date, you decide to torture him. I mean, what the hell?! What’re you trying to accomplish here?! Are you trying to be alone for the rest of your life?! You’re just being so stupid.” By the time she finished, I could feel her words echoing off the walls and bouncing back at me. It made it just that much more painful. Is this what she really thinks of me?

Char exhaled slowly and sat crossed-legged in front of me. I couldn’t even look at her, I was so hurt. Out of all my friends, I didn’t expect it to be Char to tell me off like that. She placed a hand on my knee and I looked up at her. The expression on her face was one of remorse. I could tell she felt bad for what she said, but it didn’t erase the fact that it was true. I am sabotaging myself, I know I am. “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I lost my cool and I’m sorry.” Char whispered from her spot in front of me.

“Doesn’t make it any less true.” I replied and looked back at the floor. I began drawing invisible figures in the hard wood floors.

“That still doesn’t make it right that I said it.” I looked back up into the eyes of one of my best friends. Tears began to flow down her cheeks and I immediately choked up. It’s hard to keep from crying when one of the sweetest people in the world is crying in front of you. “I’m truly sorry Arley.” And with those words said, I started to cry.

Char immediately pulled me into her arms. I lay there sobbing into my friend’s shoulder. I know I’m being childish and dumb, but I don’t know what else to do. There’s too much on the line and I don’t have any better ideas. It’s like I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know how to get out. If I stop, then Alex will stay. But I can’t help but think that things will never be okay. I’ve done too much to him already. What else can I do? I have to keep going; I don’t have much of a choice.

“Arley baby?” Char whispered in my ear. I looked up at her and sniffed pathetically. I couldn’t help it, I just feel so vulnerable, so frustratingly helpless. “Why are you doing this? If you’re obviously not happy, then why are you still doing this? You know, you’re the only person I know that’ll fight change tooth and nail.”

I scooted back from her and sat up straight, wiping the tears from my face as I did so. “Because I don’t know what else to do. If I stop then he’ll stay, but it’ll be awkward and I’ll just have to live with it because I’m the reason it became so weird. And if I get him to leave, which is proving harder than I originally thought, then I’d have the place to myself. However, I’m starting to think that’s not what I want.” I could see the question forming in Char’s eyes before she could even say anything, so I beat her to the punch.

“Everywhere I go in my apartment already reminds me of Alex. If he’s gone, what will I do? I don’t think I’d want to live there anymore without him; not after all I’ve done to him. As it is, I can’t even sit in the place alone without remembering all the Ways I’d already pulled and all the ones I have planned. Besides, there’s still fifteen Ways to go. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” The tears started streaming down my face again and I wiped at them angrily. I hate crying, it makes my feel so vulnerable.

Char’s hand returned to my knee. “So what’re you going to do?” I looked at her as she spoke. I could feel the pity rolling off of her and onto the floor. It was like an invisible blanket that seemed to want to consume me.

“I’m going to keep up with the Ways and hope he moves out before I get too attached. That way, it won’t hurt too much when he storms out of my life.” A hiccup escaped and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. I felt drained.

“That doesn’t sound like a very good idea.” Without even looking at her, I could once again tell her face held nothing but disappointment.

“It’s the only one I’ve got.” I replied. I internally cringed at just how hopeless my voice sounded. Gods I sound pathetic.



I hung up my phone and lay back on Char’s bed. Char had gone downstairs to get some refreshments while I called around to the local fast food joints. Something about crying always makes you thirsty.

I rubbed my eyes until I was sure they would explode before I stopped. I opened them and stared at all the pretty stars that had formed in my line of vision. I’d called all the local fast food/ delivery joints to place the orders for Operation: Piggy Party. I’d made sure to block my number and give them Alex’s, that way they could only call him if there were any problems. I figure, if there is a problem, then at least he’ll have to deal with annoying phone calls all night.

I sat up and grabbed the remote. I scrolled through the Netflix movies trying to find something to watch. The thing about Netflix is if you have it, it’s only a matter of time before you’ve seen everything there is to see on it. However, that’s when things get interesting. If you’ve seen everything that you like, then you begin to watch new movies. Some of them are real dullards, but most are surprisingly good.

Char walked back into the room carrying two cups of what looked like Pepsi. I only had to wonder for a brief moment why she’d left the door open before Roger and Adeline walked through. Yay, slumber party!

“What’s shaking, hot stuff?” Roger said as he flopped onto the bed. I had to scoot over to keep from getting my personal space bubble popped. That, however, turned out to be futile because Roger scooted even closer than before and wrapped his long self around my entire body. The only thing that made it awkward was that his head was at the foot of the bed and mine was at the top. Therefore, it kinda looked like he was cuddling my feet.

Adeline walked around the bed and snuggled up to me on the other side. “I heard what happened earlier.” Was all she said. I looked at one of my other best friends and she smiled sympathetically before taking the remote and perusing the movie options. That’s one of the things I love about Ade, she doesn’t get super emotional. If something is said and done with, then it’s said and done with; her favorite saying is: There’s no use in digging up the past, it’ll only haunt you in the future.

I chose not to say anything and it was left at that. I honestly didn’t feel like having another confession session, I was still pretty drained from the last one. “So, what do you wanna watch, toe-sniffer?” I asked of Roger. The look on his face was priceless. He looked both offended and surprised.

“Toe-sniffer?” He replied. I nodded my head, not trusting my voice to let out anything but giggles. “Only for you, baby.” After he said that, he gave my feet an almighty sniff. I giggled and tried to pull my feet away to no avail. He only latched on stronger and began tickling me. That’s when I started to freak out. I hate being tickled. It tickles so much it hurts and I can’t stand it.

“Stop, please!” I screamed as I tried to squirm out of the way. Roger simply laughed and continued mercilessly. “Please stop!” I screamed once more. He only laughed harder. I looked at his sisters for help, but they acted like they didn’t see anything. Adeline must be a fucking actress to act like nothing’s going on right next to her. Damn them.

“Please, I’m going to pee!” I yelled in a last ditch effort to free myself. If I get tickled for too long, I lose control of my bladder. I can’t help it and it’s happened as long as I can remember. At that, Roger let go of my feet. I scrambled over him and ran to Char’s en suite bathroom to relieve my now pressured bladder.

When I returned, I glared at Roger. He started laughing once more so I cuddled up on the other side of Ade. Char got up off the floor and lay next to me on the bed. It was like I was in an Oberskin sandwich. Oh the perks of having a California king-sized bed. “Hey, why’d you leave me?” Roger asked from over Ade’s legs. The expression his face held was one of abandonment. Damn him and his ability to tug at heartstrings.

“Come here.” I replied and opened my arms. Ade lifted her legs and Roger maneuvered himself to lie sideways on the bed. He lay his head down on my legs and Adeline draped her legs over his back. “Comfortable?” I asked of all three of them. They all nodded their heads and focused back on the television. I began to weave my fingers through Roger’s hair and I instantly felt him relax. Almost simultaneously, Ade and Char lay their heads on my shoulders with their arms wrapped around my waist. I could never really have a doubt in my mind that I’m loved.