29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

Lezlie was choking on her soda by the time I was finished explaining the whole roommate situation. I had everything all planned out. I even had a list of all the things I was going to do to my roommate in an attempt to make him get lost. Lezlie came back to her senses and took the paper from me. It had a list of ways to get rid of your roommate, courtesy of the Almighty Google. As she read, she laughed. By the end of the page she was beside her self with laughter.

“Oh god…” She said through fits of giggles “I so wanna help!” I beamed at her and stood to throw away my lunch. She followed suit, reading the paper over once more.

“Great! So, which one on there involves other people?” I asked as I turned around.

“There’s a lot actually, but I really like this one.” She giggled as she pointed to the 14th one. I read it over and started giggling as well.

“That’s perfect! We could even get the Oberskin triplets in on it!” I said.

“The more the better!” she laughed. And, with that, we did a run like skip to my shared apartment.

“Great, so you guys can come over?” I asked Charlie. I was currently standing in my living room playing with my hair.

“Of course we can! Want do you want me to bring? I’m pretty sure I can get everything that’s needed.” I smirked at Alex through the mirror. He had no idea what I had in store for him.

“That would be amazing. Ciao Charlie.” I said.

“Ciao.” She giggled and hung up.

“I’m having guests over, so don’t get in my way.” I said curtly to Alex. He turned to look at me. He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a nod.

"I’ll just be here studying.” I gave him a fake smile and pulled up the web page with the list of way to get rid of your roommate.

Operation Mountain Dew Peeing Unicorn: Have really weird friends over as guests. Have them make loud, strange conversations. When your roommate walks in, make sure everyone goes completely quiet and stare at the roommate until they leave. Ex. Weird conversations about the cult they created with the Pagan gods.

By now, Lezlie, Charlie, Adeline, and Roger had been over for about twenty minutes now. Lezlie and I had already explained to them what I was trying to do and they had agreed. When they arrived we set to work preparing the house for the ritual. We now have the house decorated with candles, dead animal ‘sacrifices’, stones, thin tree branches, and grey crosses. I must say though, that my most favorite part was seeing the look on Alex’s face when I set the dead frogs and lit candles around the couch where he was sitting. It was absolutely priceless. Ironically, that commercial was playing when I did it.

While we were setting up the apartment, we yelled things to each other from room to room. “YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE COOL?” Charlie yelled from the kitchen.

“A FLYING PENGUIN WITH HORNS ON IT’S WINGS?” Roger asked from right next to me in my room. We had been placing lit candles on the shelves and balancing them on the bed.

“NO, I KNOW I KNOW. A MOUNTAIN DEW PEEING UNICOR-“ I stopped shouting when I saw Alex enter the room. Just as the list instructed, I stopped talking when he came in. Roger also turned around when he heard me stop and we just stared at him. Almost as though they could read minds, Charlie, Lezlie, and Adeline came in the room wearing black cloaks. Lezlie was wearing a Purple cowboy hat. And they each held a candle in their hands. They stepped into the room forming a line by the door. Alex looked at us all weirdly as we continued to stare at the 20 year old. However, he merely shook his head at us, grabbed his text book, and walked out.

Charlie beamed at us after he left, “It is time.” She said loudly. I was sure that Alex had heard it from the living, where he was currently lying on his back on the couch.

“Do you guys remember your lines?” Lezlie whispered to us. We all nodded as Adeline quickly set down her candle and turned off all the lights in the apartment. The only light was that which came from our candles. Roger smiled twistedly; it made me shudder, as he took the white cloak from Charlie’s open hands. He handed it to me and I pulled it on. I pulled my almost white blond hair into a bun and pulled the hood up. I nodded to everyone.

Roger took out a random tambourine and started shaking it while Charlie grabbed a pair of bongos and started playing them. We all walked into the hallway leading to the living room where Alex was.

“AIR I AM! AIR I AM! AIR I AM!” Roger chanted as he moved his hands in wavy movements through the air. Making sure not to step on any of the candles on the ground, I walked a little faster to see Alex staring at him as if he were crazy.

Adeline stifled her giggles as she grabbed some branches from the floor and started waving them. She grabbed a lighter and quickly lit them. They burst into flames, having been dry, and turned into a big fire. She started step dancing and chanted “FIRE I AM! FIRE I AM! FIRE I AM!” loudly. They chanted simultaneously.

Charlie grabbed some of the stones and put them on her bongos while Lezlie grabbed a bottle of water that was half filled with holes stabbed into the top half of the bottle. They then danced their way out into the living room. Charlie beat her bongo quickly and threw a rock at the couch, hitting Alex in the chest. I stepped forward just enough to see his face. He looked confused and scared. Lezlie shook her bottle causing the water to fly every where. Some of it even hit the fire, causing it to hiss and sizzle angrily.

“WATER, EARTH, AND SPIRIT I AM!” They chanted together. They joined in a line next to Adeline and Roger. It was finally my turn to emerge from the hallway.

Alex’s eyes widened even more, if that were even possible, and he whispered “I made a huge mistake.”

“Air moves us, fire transforms us. Water shapes us, Earth heals us. And the balance of the wheel goes round and round. And the balance of the wheel goes round and round.” I chanted loudly as the group continued chanting their lines. Charlie was banging the bongos so loud, I thought they might break.

“AND SO, WE DANCE BEFORE THE GODS!” we yelled and then danced. That is, until we found it hard to dance through the intense smell of something burning. Alex ran into our room and yelled “FIRE!” He ran back into the living room.

“Hey Miss ‘Fire I am’ you wanna put yourself out?” Adeline’s eyes got wide and she ran out the door.

“Crap!” I cursed.