Lack of Color.

John.

Waking up with a month long hangover was the least of my problems. Coming back home to Arizona, with all the shit that I left behind was making me want to throw up all over the place. Once the van stopped at my house, I grabbed all my things not even daring to say bye to the guys, because honestly they were all fed up with me. I walked up the path way, with the bags laced over my body. I grabbed out the keys that were in my pocket and opened the door. It was early in the morning, 2 to be exact. After locking the door, I made my way up the stairs as quiet as I could be. Once in my room, I threw my bags down on the floor and stripped down in my boxers. I laid there looking up to the ceiling not able to sleep. All I wanted to do was call Erin, to see her beautiful face but I know I fucked that up. I reached over grabbing the picture frame set up on my desk. I looked at the two girls in my arms, Emily and Erin on both sides of me. Biggest smiles on their face that made the knot in my stomach hurt even more. I looked at Erin’s bright dark blond hair, long and wavy over her face. And then I looked over at Emily’s short bright blond hair. I looked at Emily’s face, running my hand over the glass feeling the tears in my eyes. How could I be in love with someone else, other than my Emily? The Emily I was planning on marrying once the band got big, the Emily I wanted to start a family with. I looked over at Erin’s face and my heart was beating out of my chest. It took every ounce of me not to grab my phone and call her.

“I love you”, I said to the picture frame, to the both girls that shared my heart but I couldn’t have either one of them.

I let the tears fall from my eyes as I closed them and tried my hardest to sleep. When I finally did, I wish I would never wake up. But to my dismay I woke up mid afternoon. I made my way down to the kitchen seeing both brothers sitting there, a bowl of cereal in front of both of them.

“Hey kiddo”, I said messing with Shane’s hair. “And bitch”, I said hitting the back of Ross’ head.

“Hey John”, they both said in unison.

I grabbed a big bowl and poured the fruity pebbles in the bowl before pouring the rest of the milk in the bowl. I took a seat on the living room couch, turning on the TV settling on Doug playing on Nick. I sat there watching, feeling like a little kid again. Emily hated it when I watched Cartoons, the only Cartoon I was allowed to watch around her was The Rugrats, and she loved that show. I looked down at the text from Tim, telling me to go over but I really didn’t want to and I couldn’t tell him why. So I just got dressed and headed over. I walked through the door, nervous about seeing Erin and how she would react but thankfully she wasn’t there.

“Play some Halo?”

“Hell yeah man”, I said taking a seat on the couch putting my legs up on the table.
I sat there with Pat, Tim and Jared playing for hours. Then once I heard her laugh coming from the front door my heart stopped a bit. Pat paused the game looking over but I stayed glued to the TV scared.

“Hey Erin and I don’t know who you are”, Pat said waving making Erin and the voice laugh.
At the sound of the laugh sounding like a guy, I turned my head and saw her standing there, a guy linked to her arm. Once Erin saw me she looked right through me. I gave her a weak smile and she returned it.

“Francis”, he said putting out his hand to Pat.

“Nice to meet you, I’m her brother Pat.”

“And that’s Tim, Jared and John”, she said pointing each of us out as he shook our hand, his grip on my hand was a tad bit rough.

“Nice to meet you guys, I’ve heard a lot about you”, he said looking from person and then stopping at me with some kind of glare.

“Where the fuck were you? When we came home I went into your room and you were there”, Tim said not looking from the screen as he talked to his sister.

“I spent the night at Francis house.”

My heart dropped and break against the floor. I looked over at her, but she was looking everywhere but my eyes.

“I’m thinking I might have to kick Francis ass”, Tim said pausing the game and looking over at them, I hope he does.

“It’s chill man, I was a gentleman. She slept on the bed I slept with my little brother.” Bull-fucking-shit.

“Yeah, sure”, Tim said with a laugh looking over at the screen. “I’m just fucking with you.”

“I was hoping that was the case”, he said and I just wanted to sock him in the fucking mouth.

“Well were gonna go upstairs, welcome home guys.”

“Fuck no you’re not. Take a seat right here where I can see you”, Tim said looking over his shoulder, thank god for Tim.

They both just laughed taking a seat on the opposite end of us. I just sat there and watched as everyone talked to Francis, asked him question. I heard Erin talk to her brothers about tour and all I could do was think about how I wanted to kill this guy who had his arm around Erin. I watched as she got up and walked into the kitchen, I took this as my cue as I followed her. She turned around seeing me behind her, placing a hand on her hip she just stared at me.

“Hey John.”

“Can we talk?”

“Um sure”, she said grabbing the Gatorade from the fridge and cracking it open. “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry about the other night. I freaked.”

“It’s fine man, it’s the past”, she said with a smile.

“So Francis.”

“What about him?” she asked with a laugh.

“You two together?”

“If you’re asking if he’s my boyfriend, he’s not. Were just having sex.”

“Erin.”

“It’s a joke, he’s my friend”, she said as I felt relieved and a tad bit happier.

“Oh okay”, I said looking over at her as she laughed. “I’m really sorry though Erin.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

“I meant to call.”

“If you meant to call, you would have.”

“You just need to understand how hard this is for me?”

“John, you and I are in the same boat. But if it’s easier for you, we can just pretend like nothing happened.”

“I don’t want that, Erin.”

“Well I do, bye John.”

And with that she walked out of the kitchen and took her seat next to Francis. I watched the way he looked at her and the way she smiled at him. Jealousy was killing me; I walked off to the couch and just stared at them wishing I could talk to Erin. I wish I didn’t fuck up so much with this girl.