Lack of Color.

A Month Later.

John.

“I love you beautiful”, I said looking at her beautiful eyes locking my lips on to hers.
“I love you too JohnnyOhh.”
“Why are you so beautiful?”
“Because you’re in love”, she said with a laugh making my heart melt at the sight of her smile.

I could smell the apples on her, the scent I loved so much. I leaned in kissing her soft lips, tasting the lemonade chapstick that she loved so much. Pressing my forehead against her, looking down at her amazing smile; I couldn’t help but to smile back at her.

“John!”

“Don’t wake up.”

“John wake the fuck up.”

Her scent faded away along with the warmth of her soft skin. I felt my eyes open slightly and then trying to close them back again, hoping to get a glimpse of her. But the yelling coming from the front of the van wasn’t helping. I opened my eyes to a familiar face, but not the face I wanted. I looked up at Kennedy looking down at me, anger in his eyes. I held on to my head, feeling as though my brain was going to spill out.

“God dammit John, fucking wake up. We’re almost home and it’s your turn to fucking drive.”
I just closed my eyes once more, hoping I could fall back to sleep. But instead of seeing her, I just saw pitch black.

“Fuck it, I’ll fucking drive!”

I tried my hardest to wake up, but I couldn’t. I sat up looking around at everyone looking pisses off, just staring at the road in front of us. The sunglasses on my eyes helped block the sun that was glaring into the van.

“Come on man, it’s fucked that Jared’s driving the whole way back. I drove last night so you could drink.”

I looked over at Pat rolling my eyes, thankful that he couldn’t see. I leaned my head against the window just staring off at the desert in front of me. We were definitely back home.
“I can’t wait to see my girlfriend.”

I felt the pain in my heart at Garrett’s words. I watched as Kenny slapped his head hard before pointing off at me, like I wasn’t looking. I felt Jared look back at me, checking to see if I was okay but I just looked out the window, feeling the liquor of last night begging to come back up.

“How are you feeling man, you drank a lot last night.”
“I’m good”, I said not bothering to look over at Tim staring at me.
“You sure.”

I just nodded hoping I would be able to close my eyes and fall back asleep, but that was just hopeless thinking. It’s been a month since she died; a month since my girlfriend of two years passed away, and I haven’t been able to get her out of my head. The liquor, the endless groupies and even the drugs, but nothing has worked. And going back home wasn’t making this any easier. I saw the familiar buildings and the pain in my stomach was becoming too much to bare, the anxiety of this was becoming too surreal to handle.

“I can stay at your pad tonight right?”
“Of course man”, Tim said with a smile. “Like I said my parent’s just went on some trip to California, it’s just me, Pat and Erin.”

I cringed at the name, but not letting them noticed. I just gave a nod before looking out the window, every place in this town reminding me of her.

“We can have a good old fashion slumber party.”
“I honestly don’t know how you’re my brother”, Tim said with a laugh looking over at Pat.

I let out a little snort, just faking a laugh. We dropped all the guys off at home, all stoked to be home. It seemed like I was the only person that wanted to prolong this tour. I didn’t want to come home and face reality that she wasn’t here waiting for me. We got the Kirch house, I watched as Pat bounced around excited to be home. I stood behind them, carrying my bag still wearing the sunglasses on my face, didn’t care that it was already dark as fuck outside. The door was busted open and off they went running. I threw my bags down on the floor watching as both brothers ran into the kitchen. I looked up and saw her walking down the stairs, her blond hair longer than I remember. She stood still once her eyes met mine; I took off my sunglasses shoving them into my jacket. She just stared at me as though I was some ghost, and in many ways I have been. She was looking right through me, like I was nothing to her. I couldn’t blame her.

“Erin!”
“Pat!”

I watched as she jumped on top of Pat, embracing him into a huge hug. I watched awkwardly as she jumped from her little brother to her older brother. I stood there watching as they hugged each other, excited to see each other. Sadness rushed over me, so I left the situation. I walked straight into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. I didn’t dare look at the pictures that surrounded the living room, knowing what I would find.

“Welcome home John.”

I looked behind me seeing Erin standing there, she gave me a weak smile before walking back upstairs. I looked back at Pat, mouth filled with whatever he could find. He just gave me a shrug before walking back into the kitchen.

I wish it was me, not her.