Lack of Color.

John.

“John, what the hell happened to your arm?”

I looked up from my plate looking over at my Dad walking into the kitchen with a pissed off look on his face.
“I fell”, I said simply before taking a bite of my food.
“You need to stop drinking.”
“I know Dad.”

He ruffled my hair before walking to the fridge to grab a cold beer. I laughed to myself taking another bite of my food.

“Hello familia!”

I looked up seeing Halvo walking in the front door with no care at all. I laughed as my Mom and Dad hugged greeted him as son. I got up putting my plate into the sink.

“Ready man?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
“Did you take your medication?”
“Yes mom”, I said before walking out the door and into Halvo’s car.

I sat there listening to Halvo talk about anything and everything. Mostly making fun of my drunken nights and the stupid shit I was doing the previous night. I could really careless, I just leaned my head against the glass pretending I was listening when I was doing the exact opposite. We got to the Kirch’s house and right when we walked through those doors, we saw the three Kirch kid’s chasing each other. I laughed watching Pat and Erin team up on Tim.

“WWE SMACK DOWN YA’LL!”
“I wanna be stone cold Steve Austin!”
“No, I do!” Tim said like an idiot.
“Fine, we’re the Hardy brothers.”
“Sexy”, Halvo said taking a seat.

I walked around the pillows all over the place and looked down at the piles of pictures spread across the table. I reached over seeing a picture of Erin and I flipping off the camera with a beer in our hand. I looked from picture to picture, I felt everyone staring at me as I didn’t respond to anyone. That’s when I saw a picture of Emily and I kissing. I felt my heart break; I swallowed back the tears that were begging to come out.

“God you looked like a big faggot.”

I snapped out of it looking over at Halvo holding a picture of me in just little underwear. I laughed at the memory of Erin daring me to put the underwear on and jump into the lake.

“Dude you screamed like a bitch once you hit the water!” Tim said laughing.
“Cause that shit was cold and then this bitch yelling sharks!”
“Why did you even yell sharks?” Tim asked looking over at Pat with a laugh.
“The real question is, why you wouldn’t yell sharks?!”
“This is why you’re my favorite brother Pat.”
“Hey!”
“Tim, just suck it up.”
“Drinks tonight?”
“Duh my good friend”, Halvo said putting his arm around Tim.

I stood still looking through all the pictures, hearing them all walk around. People showing up every few minutes, yet I didn’t dare to move. I looked up seeing Erin sitting down on the opposite couch from me, still going through the pictures. I looked down at the picture in her hand; it was Emily standing there with a big smile on her face. Doing one of her goofy smiles she loved to do.

“Here.”
“What?” I asked looking over at Erin confused.
“You can have it.”
“Are you sure?”
“I have two copies of this picture; I figured you’d want it.”
“Thank you.”

I looked over at her with a smile, looking straight into her beautiful hazel eyes. I had to look away, scared that my stare was getting too intense. The whole night was spent looking at pictures, both Erin and I. Completely away from the party that was going on in the backyard. I took a seat next to her; the music was making it hard to hear. We just remembered all of old times, high school till now. Just talking about everything, looking at pictures and noticing how much we grew up. I looked down at the little blond in this picture and then back up at the beautiful blond in front of me. They were completely different, yet the same. She must have noticed me staring because she looked up at me, confused.

“What douche?”
“You just grew up so much.”
“You too John, you got so much better looking. You’ve always been oh so cute, but you look manlier.”
“Hot?”
“Don’t push your luck.”
“I’m trying not to”, I said looking over at her with sincere eyes.
“John, you know I don’t hate you right?”
“I know.”
“Emily meant the world to me and I thought you felt the same way about her.”
“She does.”
“Then why didn’t you go?”

She looked over at me, our knees pressed against each other. I stared into her beautiful eyes, the pain more visible than ever. I looked away from her eyes looking down at my hands.

“Look at me John.”

I finally let my eyes rise to hers, she just stared at me waiting for an answer that I didn’t even have. I just shrugged.

“I thought you had more balls than that.”

“What the fuck do you want me to say Erin, I fucked up. I couldn’t bare to see her cold as ice. I couldn’t bare to see her beautiful skin dead. I wanted to picture Emily the way she was to me, alive and happy. I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t face the truth.”

She just nodded at my sudden burst. I felt her place a hand on mine, just like she did in the park. I was waiting for those harsh words that would just send me over the edge. The words to make me grab all those bottles in the kitchen and down them one by one.

“It’s okay John, she wouldn’t want us to be at that funeral anyways, and I just needed you.”

All I wanted to say was that I needed her now.