I Won't Say I'm in Love

“I really don’t wanna go home,” I admitted after taking a swig from the bottle of champagne and passing it behind me.

“Me either,” Jacob agreed before bringing the bottle to his lips. The two of us were sitting on the bed, looking at the city through our floor-to-ceiling window. The night was sparkling with the lights of the cars and buildings and streetlamps. I had forgotten what the view of a city at night looked like, and I had forgotten how much I missed it.

I was settled between Jacob’s legs, my arms resting on his bent knees and reclining into his broad chest. I closed my eyes and sighed as I tilted my head back, laying it on his shoulder. “Let’s just stay here forever, okay?” I asked him as I felt his fingers beginning to run across my scalp and through my hair.

“Deal,” he said with a chuckle. “You won’t be getting any arguments from me.” I smirked and opened my eyes, Jacob’s smiling face was hovering right above mine, and I grinned.

“I’m really glad you made me come, Jacob. I had a wonderful time.”

“I’m really glad you came. It wasn’t as terrible as you thought, huh?" I laughed and shook my head. Jacob smirked and kissed my forehead. We were silent for a few moments as we shared the bottle of Roederer champagne, until Jacob interrupted, saying, “What are you thinking about?”

“Norma Jean.”

“Who’s that?”

“Marilyn Monroe before she was Marilyn Monroe.”

“Oh.” Then he was quiet. “Why do you like her so much?” he asked. I shrugged, opening my eyes and sitting up again.

“I don’t know. I just feel like we have a lot in common,” I disclosed, picking at a thread on the blanket.

“What, like your lack of modesty?” he joked, nudging the back of my shoulder with his forehead. I rolled my eyes and playfully swatted at him.

“No, you doofus. It’s—” I looked around and started to explain, but then I suddenly cut myself off. Jacob’s eyebrows knit together as he looked at me. He could sense something was wrong.

“What?” he asked, a tone of worry coloring his voice. I shook my head.

“It’s nothing,” I said, returning to my thread. I pretty much stopped functioning altogether when I felt Jacob lean forward so that his body was pressed against my back and reach around me to place his hands on top of mine.

“Please,” he whispered into my skin, his face settled in the curve of my neck and shoulder. I turned my head to look at him, which I later realized to be a mistake. He was looking up at the exact same time as I was turning, and I gasped at our closeness. Our noses were touching and I shuddered when I felt his warm breath on my lips. His eyes were burning as he looked at me, his gaze unraveling what little resolve I had left.

Before anything could come of it, I moved away from him, lying down beside him on the bed, interlocking my fingers and laying my hands on my stomach as I stared at the ceiling. Jacob mimicked my position and we lay there beside each other for a moment until I had finally gathered the courage to speak.

“I started researching Marilyn around the time I was twelve. Like everyone else, I was captivated by her unique sex appeal and read up on her a bit. What I didn’t expect to discover was that her mother Gladys and her grandmother Della had both been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and put into mental institutions.

“So, as you can probably imagine, I was intrigued. I mean, here was this woman, adored by generations of people and regarded as this ultimate sex symbol, and her mother had been carted away, diagnosed with the same disease as mine. Marilyn’s legend transcends time, and the world continues to love her even now, and she and I share this key link in our childhoods.

“After that point, I had pretty much become obsessed. As I learned more about her, I began to identify more with her. She started receiving male attention around the age of twelve, having grown taller and developing faster than most of the girls at school or in the orphanage. And it wasn’t something she could help. She was actually a bit of a tomboy in her earlier years.

“But the thing about it was Norma didn’t deliberately go about seeking male attention. It wasn’t until her early modeling years that she became more preoccupied with her appearance. But the attention wasn’t something she shied away from either. It gave her a sense of security; a feeling of importance. She felt like she finally mattered. And I guess, in that way, I relate to her.

“And when she became famous, she had finally found that sense of significance, though it was accompanied by her growing fear that she would never be able to make the world see her as anything more than a sex goddess. But every now and again, this new identity she had adopted so easily and so willingly was threatened by her old self, by Norma Jean. She says, ‘This sad, bitter child who grew up too fast is hardly ever out of my heart. With success all around me, I can still feel her frightened eyes looking out of mine. She keeps saying, “I never lived, I was never loved,” and often I get confused and think it’s I who am saying it.’

“You have that whole thing memorized?” Jacob asked with a smile in his voice. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“Shut up.”

“Why though?” The mood became serious again.

“It just so perfectly describes the way I feel every day.”

“How’s that?”

“After the thing with my mom, Brandon and I had to learn how to fend for ourselves much sooner than most. We pretty much lived on Kraft Mac and Cheese up until we were about eleven. But when Brandon started disappearing all the time, or showing up high, I was alone. Everyone at school was an idiot. I literally had no one to turn to. My thoughts were the only things to keep me company, but they weren’t of much comfort. I was completely alone.

“Then I came to Forks. And I met Emily. And Sam. And Jared. And all the boys. I met the Cullens and Nate and Tina and...Jacob, I met you.” I turned my head on the pillow to look at Jacob only to find that he was already looking at me. “I had forgotten what it felt like to be loved. I didn’t know how to let myself be loved anymore. I’m learning again, but...it’s hard, y’know?” Jacob just nodded and brushed a piece of hair from my face as we turned on our sides to face each other.

“Like, sometimes, I can feel my old self creeping up to the surface, threatening the progression of my new life here. My knee-jerk reaction to reject anyone who somewhat cares for me is a survival instinct that I developed in New York. It’s like I have my own Norma Jean and just like Marilyn, ‘she keeps saying “I never lived, I was never loved,” and often I get confused and think it is I who am saying it.’ And sometimes, Norma just won’t shut up,” I said with a chuckle. A tear leaked out of the corner of my eye, quickly wiping it away.

“So I kept reading up on her, kept learning more, but once I found out about her final years...” I trailed off, afraid to finish. These were thoughts and fears that I had never voiced aloud; I barely thought about them myself. Very calmly, Jacob took my hand in his. I watched as he interlocked our fingers and placed them on my hip.

“You can go on, or you can stop,” he said, his voice a soft, reassuring murmur. “But either way, I’m here for you. I felt my courage return to me as Jacob stroked my hand, his cool-but-confident attitude infecting me.

“There are so many parallels between mine and Marilyn’s life. And in most ways, it’s nice to know that there is someone out there with shared experiences, especially someone as revered as Marilyn. I don’t think of her as a role model, necessarily, but as an inspiration; a constant reminder that there is hope, even for girls like me.

“But as she got older, Marilyn’s mind began to deteriorate. Her genes were beginning to take a toll on her. She became depressed and just so, so unhappy. She developed an unhealthy reliance on pills in order to keep her tethered to reality, but in the end, that very thing was what resulted in her demise.” Sitting up so that my back was against the headboard of the bed, I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Jacob soon followed, sitting up beside me.

“Jacob, I wasn’t completely honest with you that night in the tree,” I whispered, the lump in my throat making it almost painful to speak. “I push people away because I’m afraid of them hurting me, but that’s only part of the reason. I’m just as scared of me hurting them, too.” My voice cracked and I began nervously chewing at my bottom lip, staring straight ahead at a spot on the wall.

“Calypso, that's not going to happen to you—”

I pulled away from him as he reached out to hold me. “You can’t promise that, Jacob,” I choked out. “You can’t promise that my genetics won’t catch up with me just like they did my mother. Just like they did Marilyn. You can’t promise me that I won’t go crazy.” I was beginning to shake, remembering why I always blocked this fear out. The disquietude and the worry were so great that I would sit in my bed, trembling and weeping for hours in dreadful anticipation of the moment when my sanity would crumble before me.

“She knew something was wrong, Jacob. My mother knew that she was scaring everyone; she was even scaring herself. But there was nothing she could do about it. She just had to suffer as her grip on reality slowly slipped further and further away from her, and she pushed the ones she loved away too.”

“Calypso—” I could hear the worry in Jacob’s voice, but I ran right over him, the words spilling out of me now, the long suppressed qualms eager to let themselves be heard.

“And the thing I’m most terrified of is that when I snap, no one will be there.” I could barely speak now, my sobs threatening to overpower my words. “I’ll be all alone in my own, horrific little world. I’ll have to suffer the hallucinations and the voices and the visions alone, with no one to hold me when the episodes finally end.” Looking up at Jacob, my eyes wide with fear, I said, “Jacob, no one will ever love me, even when all I need is to be loved.”

And with that, I collapsed into his arms, my jerky, uneasy breathing wracking my body as my sobs tore through me over and over again. Jacob was shushing me as I wept, letting me cling to his shirt as if it was the only thing keeping me from falling away from him.

“Calypso, I love you,” he said, his voice strong and smooth and calm.

My weeping effectively stopped, I looked up at him, his eyes smoldering with a brilliant fire. “I love you more than you can possibly know. You are my world, Calypso. You ignite my sun and you hang my moon, and to me, knowing you is the reason that life is worth living. You are the very definition of love, of life, and I promise you that I would not exist without you here. You keep me sane, Calypso. And I swear to you that no disease will ever be enough to make me let you go.”

And then, taking my face between his hands, he kissed me.

As soon as his lips touched mine, I was sure that my already pounding heart had exploded, and the passion that ripped through my body was unlike any that had ever been witnessed before. The world didn’t fall off of the edges of my vision like I had anticipated; it went up in flame. And what a gorgeous flame it was. The tongues of fire surrounded me, encasing every inch of me in its exquisite heat and I reveled in each scorching moment of its dauntingly magnificent caress.

Fueled purely by the frenzy that had begun to control me, I threw my arms around Jacob’s neck, pressing my body as close to him as I could, marveling at the strength with which he held me. Our kisses were each an individual orchestration of the raw emotion that had lain inside of us for so long, now thrilled to finally be released. All the pent up tension of the last few months was manifesting itself physically, and the feelings that were elicited deep within me were sensations I didn’t know could occur.

With an animalistic grunt, Jacob pulled my body on top of his so that I was straddling his lap and he gripped my hips. The feeling of his hot, rough fingers digging into my bare skin was enough to make me whimper and instinctively press myself against him and the quickly growing bulge in his jeans. He groaned when I began rubbing myself back and forth on him, gripping the hem of my shirt. I was overwhelmed by the very sudden and very vivid vision of Jacob’s strong arms tearing it off of me before ravishing my breasts with his desirous mouth.

Without a second thought, my hands found the fabric of his shirt and he helped me as I eagerly pulled it over his head, tossing it to the side before my frenzied lips made their way to his. I was only there for a brief moment before my mouth found its way to his neck, excitedly covering it with kisses. I began sucking on the curve between his neck and shoulder and I heard him whisper “Fuck,” between his clenched teeth. The sound made my hips jerk in response against his at the same time that I bit down on his collarbone. As soon as my teeth made contact with his skin, Jacob had thrown me back on the bed and was hovering over me before I even knew what had happened.

Our kisses were wild and searching as we explored each other, more and more thrilled with each new discovery. Jacob was holding most of his weight on his elbows, but the fact that I could feel even a fraction of it on top of me was enough to send an enormous ripple of ecstasy through me. There was no thought in my mind to stop him when I felt Jacob’s fingers slide up my abdomen to my right breast, cupping it in his large, calloused hand. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he began to massage it, grabbing a fistful of his hair and digging my nails into his back.

I lost it when I felt Jacob’s hips begin to pump against me, driving his now straining erection into me through our jeans over and over again. The bed rocked with the rhythm he had set, and I pulled my lips away from his, gasping as I dug my heels into his wonderfully firm backside. Placing his forehead against mine, our noses bumping, we panted in unison with his eager thrusts. “Oh my god...” I whimpered as Jacob’s mouth found its way to my collarbone, sucking and nibbling on it. He pulled down the already deep neckline of my t-shirt to reveal my chest.

“So beautiful,” I heard him whisper before kissing his way along the top of my blue and grey bra. I gasped when I felt him slide his tongue just under the edge of the material, making me yelp.

“Jacob!” I shouted, my eyes flying open once realization hit me. ‘Jacob’ was not the name I was supposed to be uttering during hot and heavy sessions such as these.

“Shit!” I cursed, pushing Jacob off of me and practically flying off the bed.

“What? No! What?” Jacob said, sitting up on his knees, obviously confused and thoroughly disappointed by the loss of my body beneath his.

“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit,” was all I could mutter as I put my face in my hands, shaking my head.

“What happened?” he asked, a little bit more rational now.

“Exactly what wasn’t supposed to happen,” I whispered, running my fingers through my slightly sweaty hair as I pulled my knees up to my chest. I didn’t dare look up at Jacob, not wanting to feel the lust enkindle within me again at the sight of his needful eyes and flushed cheeks. We were silent for a few moments, both sitting perfectly still in our own space.

“Calypso, I don’t know what to say...” I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t know what to say either. I was still astonished by the magnificence of the events that had just taken place. Kissing Jacob was...I couldn’t even think about it without feeling myself get aroused again.

“Calypso—”

“Let’s just go to sleep, kay?” I requested, walking around him to my side of the bed. I didn’t dare look at him as I turned off the bedside lamp and climbed under the covers. I turned on my side so that my back was to Jacob and stared into the darkness, my heart still thundering in my chest and seeming to fill the silent room with its quick and unsteady rhythm. Jacob didn’t move from his spot for quite sometime. I could tell because I felt no shift until about two minutes later when he finally climbed under the covers beside me. I knew that he had turned his back to me as well.

“Goodnight,” he said eventually, his velvety voice piercing the heavy, almost suffocating quiet of our room. “I love you, Calypso,” he finished, stating it as easily and as unwaveringly as he had earlier. My stomach clenched and I wanted to cry and puke and laugh all at the same time with those four simple words. Biting my lip hard and shutting my eyes to keep my sob from escaping, I felt a tear slide down the side of my face as I recomposed myself.

“I love you too, Jacob.” The words were quiet, and I could barely hear them, and I was almost positive that Jacob couldn’t either. Just knowing that I had said them with all the confidence in the world was enough to rip me apart. I didn’t know if it was good or bad yet. All I knew that I was very afraid of what was to come.