Rakastan

The morning begins with a loud bang. I fall off the couch and rise slowly. The day’s prior events return to my mind. I look up at the couch and notice that Ville is no longer there. I’m still tired and return to the couch. I cradle my knees to my chest and cover myself entirely with blanket. I still haven’t gotten adjusted to the cold.
I’m unaware of how much time has passed, and I feel someone shaking my knee.
“Yeah?” I mumble, wanting to return to the recess of warmth.
“It snowed,” I hear him say.
“Yeah,” I say and roll back over, still sleeping.
“Yeah, a lot,” he says.
“That’s nice,” I mumble again and roll back over trying to open my eyes.
He’s sitting by my feet with coffee.
“Morning,” he says.
“Bah, it’s probably afternoon,” I mutter trying to get up.
“You can go back to sleep,” he says.
“Thank-you,” I say and return to my dreams.
Did he really hold my hand, or was I envisioning it? Better yet, did he kiss me? No, I know that at least.
Why didn’t he kiss me? Because I had said no. Why was he even trying to?
“Jac,” I hear his voice.
“What?” I call out, for he sounds far away.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and then he’s rolling me back over so I face him.
“I’ve only been out for like a second,” I protest. I feel insanely cold and tired.
“You’ve been out all day,” he says and puts a hand to my forehead.
“ I have?” I ask.
“yeah, it’s eight at night,” he answers.
I sit up and look around, it’s dark with a small light coming from the upstairs.
“I’m cold,” I answer and throw the blanket back over my body.
“Do you want anything to eat?” he asks.
“No, I just want to be alone,” I say.
“Alright.” He says and rises.
I try to fall asleep, but know that’s dark out so I force myself to stay awake. I felt the sweetest brush of his lips on my own and I want that again. I want it so much, like he can sing his song into me, like he already has. I lift the covers and walk up the narrow stairs that are visible by the light.
“Ville?” I call.
There’s no answer and I flick a switch. I’m surrounded by row upon row of bookcases and guitars that are laid against the wall.
I turn the light off and feel my way down the corridor.
There are no other lights on and I assume he’s gone back to sleep, so I turn around except it’s more dark and I get a little scared.
By the shine of the moon outside it cast a pale glow of light on a door that is slightly open yet not entirely. I walk there and step into the room. I can’t see anything and I instantly knock into something and reach my hands out to grab it, but the books fall to the floor in noise that isn’t silent. I try to get them when I see a shadow move. It feels like a scary movie, and I’m making my way back to the door when the shadow moves again.
“Ah,” I say startled and frightened.
A hand clasps over my mouth and I fall backward onto pillows.
“You’re really awful at sneaking around,” Ville says into my ear. He’s fallen with me.
“Sorry, there are no lights,” I say back to him.
“I was sleeping,” he sighs.
“Sorry, again” I say and laugh.
He laughs too.
“What were you looking for?” he asks.
“You,” I admit.
There’s a silence.
“Did we, did you,” I start.
“What?” Ville asks and he turns around so that he is on his side and his hand is propped up by his elbow.
“Nothing,” I say turning away so he can’t see me, even with the light from the outside.
“Tell me,” he urges.
“You wouldn’t have done it anyway, with the wedding,” I hesitate and I feel him sit up.
“What on earth are you talking about?” he asks. He stands and walks somewhere but I can’t see him.
“You, I felt like you had kissed me,” I say and slowly sit up looking around for him.
“Kissed you? No we didn’t” he says with an edge to his voice and I feel foolish.
“Oh,” I say still unable to spot him.
“I crossed a line there, got caught up in something,” he mumbles softly.
I wanted to tell him he hadn’t, wanted to find him and reciprocate the gesture, but all I saw was darkness.
“Can you come back?” I ask.
“Come where?” he says.
“Where I can see you. I feel like I’m talking to a wall,” I say.
“You are actually,” he says and laughs. His laugh makes me turn around and I can tell he is right as I place my hand and touch a wall. He had been standing by the window, looking out, concealing the only light as he let the drapes fall back again. It’s dark.
“Are you afraid of the dark Jac?” he asks.
“Sometimes, more so than I’d care to admit,” I tell him.
“You just admitted it,” he says.
“I did,” I say.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asks and he’s kneeling by me.
“What sort of question is that?” I ask.
“A question. You know you are alone in a tower, snowed in,” he says.
“I’m not alone. You’re here. It’s not like you have dungeons and false doors in here,” I say staring at him because he is so close I can see him somehow.
“No I don’t but is it good to be alone with me?” he asks.
“Why?” I ask back.
“I might do something,” he presses and I’ve scooted myself against the wall and he’s closing in.
“You might make a regret,” I say and turn my face away.
His hand finds my face and he turns my chin so I’m forced to look at him. I hear a click a tiny flame from his lighter bellows in between us. His eyes are illuminated and the green in them devastates me.
“Am I doing something wrong?” he asks.
“Everything, how can you act like this, how can I tolerate myself to be seduced when you’re getting married,” I argue and feel disgusted with myself.
“married?” Ville laughs out.
“Ya, Mige told me,” I say.
“Did Mige say, Ville’s getting married,” Ville says.
“no, but still,” I cut off trying to remember.
“Then, I’m not,” Ville says laughing.
“But you are, he says about the mess and everything else,” I say stupidely.
“Yes, not me, his cousin is,” Ville says and blows out the flame.
“Oh,” I say taking the wind out of my argument.
My heart starts to comprehend that.
“So are you like non-married?” I ask and laugh at it.
“very much so. Not even a girlfriend,” he says.
“I don’t care,” I say lying to myself.
“Oh but you do,” Ville replies.
“You’re..” I pause.
“I’m what? I’m arrogant? Obscene?” he presses.
“What?” I ask.
“Well I must be if you think I’m seducing you,” he says half seriously.
“But you were, you tried kissing me,” I state.
“And you said no, so I didn’t,” he says back.
“Because I thought you were to be married,” I protest.
“So you have morals and yet you just admitted I was seducing you. It’s good to know I can do that to you,” he says laughing.
“It’s not funny,” I say.
“So if you knew then what you know now, would you have let me kiss you?” he asks.
“What?” I ask embarrassed.
“Well maybe you let anyone kiss you,” he says with a smile.
“yeah, well maybe you let anyone come here and try to be suave,” I retort.
“Craftmanship, suave. How I do love your vocabulary,” he laughs again.
His self assuredness is really starting to bug me.
“For the record not just anyone is allowed to kiss me,” I say.
“For the record, you’re the first girl I’ve allowed to sleep over,” he says.
“Well how generous of you,” I reply.
“How long are you going to keep up this charade? I know you want to kiss me,” he says confidently.
“You are so full of it. Maybe you just want to kiss me, not the other way around,” I say back trying to be haughty.
“I do want to kiss you though,” he says and brushes his lips against mine.
“If you do that, you suppose you have won the argument,” I mutter.
“But I have,” he says.
“No,” and I push him back so that he falls laying down.
“I have, “I say and lean down.
His hands go forward and land o my exposed midriff. The warmness of them makes me stop. His hands start to move upward and then they are on my back.
Ville sits upward again and stares at me.
“There’s something about you,” he says and pulls me closer. I decide to be daring, what the hell do I have to lose? I could die in this exact moment. I reach for his shirt and pull it up and over his head easily, as I lay back down and pull him with me.
His chest on mine sends a thousand butterflies to my throat. He lays sideways and I wrap my arms around his neck, so that I am hugging myself to him.
“If I could do this everyday, I’d be happier than a clam,” I remark.
I’m so afraid he’s going to push me away. His arms start to unwrap themselves from me, and I fear I have gone too far.
“Then be happy,” he says and places one arm around me to draw me closer and the other on my hair.
His chin rests on my head and he brings his lips to mine again just for a peck. My whole body freezes and then floods as it’s been broken. I’ve stepped too far on the precipice and there is no going down, if I can’t stay like this, I’ll inwardly fall from a cliff so high, and my heart won’t heal.
“Ville?” I say after he has kissed me.
“Yeah?” he asks quietly.
“I want to do that again,” I say and press my lips to his but I’m on a warpath for greed and I want it all before it goes away, so I open my mouth and kiss him more with the intensity I can muster. I’m breaking in all the right ways, that I’m crying. He takes my face in his hand again and hears the quiet roll of the tear on my face, and responds back with a kiss that I forget about anything ending, and I just let go and decide if I fall off the cliff, it’s not meant to be hurt, but rather to just let go of all my worries and just fall. I’ll either end up hitting the bottom empty handed, or with someone waiting to catch me, though my instinct is the first, for the moment I want to enjoy the bittersweetness of it all.