Going Down In History

I had taken much too long of a time putting my clothes and things away in my new temporary room. I didn't want to face the fact that I was actually going to be away for a long time.

I sighed and put down the shirt that I had been folding and unfolding for the past ten minutes. I still had quite a big pile of clothes to sort through again, but I didn't want to come off as bored and heartbroken. Though I was.

I sat in a small chair by the window and stared out into San Diego. I could see the school Chris was teaching at, well, for only for a while longer. I stared at it, wanting nothing more than to jump up and run to him. Tell him that everything we said to each other was a mistake and that he should let me come back. I couldn't do it.

You're weak.

I ignored the comment in my head and continued to stare out the window. It wasn't just my pride holding me back anymore. Now, the majority of it, was that he was right. We both needed time to think, not just him.

Rain started trickling down the glass, blurring my perfect vision of the school. I was wondering what he thought when he woke up this morning and I wasn't there by his side anymore. Did he want to know where I was? Did he miss me? Does this even matter anymore?

Nothing matters anymore. You're alone and he left you.

I felt my pulse rising and again ignored the comment. This was getting ridiculous. I stood up from the chair and started to pace around my room. I had another big problem to deal with other than the situation between Chris and I.

Right, me.

Yeah. It. I started thinking of ways to get rid of it, most of which resulted in me blowing my brains out. I didn't want to do that. I could go to a therapist. I also didn't want to do that. I could give in and go to a mental institution, but I didn't want to do that either.

You don't want to do anything because your a pansy.

It was right this time. In my heart I didn't want to do anything. I was too afraid of being alone and not having anyone to talk to. Really talk to. I would take this stupid voice over spilling my guts out to Joey who would probably call the cops on me and have me arrested. I didn't want to be alone, and this voice was the only thing keeping me from it.

That's right. You need me. You don't have any other choice than to let me be here.

I sighed again and stopped pacing around the room. What if it was right? What if I did need it? Was I too obsessed with my pride and image that I would let some stupid little voice ruin my life? Truth is, I was.

I went into the kitchen to try to make myself something to eat. Nobody was home so I don't think anyone would actually mind if I stole some of their food. Well at least I hoped not. I looked in the fridge for just a snack.

Apple pie, that sounded great right now. I got it out, cut a piece with a knife I had found on the counter and put the piece on a plate. I put it in the microwave to heat it up and waited, drumming my fingers against the counter. I didn't realize at all that one of the sounds sounded louder than the rest.

The timer went off and all I could think about was Chris. He was always going to be on my mind. Just the fact that he loved apple pie and here I was eating it without him. I felt guilty now, more guilty than ever before. I was enjoying being here without him, well, I was telling myself that.

Chris is such a loser. I didn't realize the voice had changed or that it had projected itself somehow.

"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!?" I snapped. I heard the voice cackle and only then did I realize that it had never spoken in the first place. Someone else did. I spun around quickly to see Joey standing there with wide eyes. "Joey-" My words got caught in my throat.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" He shouted back. I knew he knew now. Just the fact that I had yelled at him thinking it was my head. He knew that I had been talking to someone, yet there was nobody here. I was all alone, just like I didn't want to be. And he knew everything.