Going Down In History

"Hey Charlie." Chris gripped the back of his neck and looked around, afraid to look me in the eye. "How have you, uh, been?" He gave me a soft smile. It felt like I hadn't seen him in months, not just two days.

"I've been fine, I guess." I wasn't able to look at him either. I felt guilty and couldn't stop thinking about what happened between Joey and I. I wanted to tell him, I couldn't bring myself to it though. "What are you, uh, doing here?" I instinctively pulled the top of my shirt up to cover myself as two guys walked past and stared at me.

"I, um, I came to see you." I saw him bite his lip and look down at his feet, shuffling them around like he was kicking an invisible rock.

"Why? I thought that was the whole reason you wanted me to leave, so you didn't have to see me." I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the top of his head. I heard him sigh, but all he could do was stare at his feet.

I noticed a few changes about him then that I hadn't noticed before. He had dyed his hair a really dark brown, very close to black and he was wearing black skinny jeans, a black button up shirt and a black leather jacket. He looked gorgeous as always but, somehow, even though I couldn't see him, he looked depressed.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay. You left without a trace the other day and when I woke up to give you a kiss, you weren't there." He sighed again and looked up at me with those eyes. I felt myself weaken in the knees at looking into his eyes, and somehow, I kept myself up.

He looked more depressed now that I could see his face. I noticed his eyes were bloodshot and he had huge bags under them. His face was pale, and it wasn't because of his newly dyed hair, though that may have been a contribution. I looked into his eyes again and noticed that they weren't their usual shade of green. Instead they looked foggy and almost gray. I felt pity for him and I have no idea why.

"I thought that was what you wanted." I mumbled towards him, not being to take my eyes away from the sad look on his face. The look was tearing at my heart, slowly ripping it in two while his appearance was creating knots in my stomach.

"I do want that." He sighed again and his eyes widened at my pained expression. "No, no, no, not that way." He took a few steps toward me so we were only about a foot apart. "I don't want you to leave, I never did. I just think it would be best for a while." The expression on my face didn't change. "God, I mean, shit." He ran his hand through his hair and tugged at the back of his neck again.

"No, I get it." I said, choking up at those words. I knew in my heart that it was best that we didn't see each other, but in my mind, I still couldn't understand why.

"God, I'm such a fuck up when it comes to shit like this." I could tell he was silently punching himself for not getting his point across the right way. "Charlie, what I really mean to say, is that I miss you. I mean look at me. I'm messed up. I feel empty without you there. I know it's only been two days, but every time I've woken up and turned to see you. You weren't there and I just feel guilty that I'm the reason you're not there." He sighed again.

"So what do you want me to do? Come back? Because right now, I'm not going to." I choked out the last words and I, myself, couldn't believe that I had said them. The look on my face was just as shocked as the look on his.

"Wha- why-why not?" He managed to get out. I kicked myself for causing the look of pain on his face, but before I knew what I was doing, I was speaking again.

"You're just going to do the same thing next week. If I come back, you're going to say you'll need space and ask me to leave again. So what's the point?" I couldn't believe my ears on what I was saying. I didn't know why the hell I was saying it. It was like it wasn't even me saying the words.

"No, Charlie, I-" His voice cut off before he could form his sentence, which was good anyway because I cut him off.

"Let's just give this a month, and if you still feel the same in a month, then I will come back." I walked up to him, kissed him and walked away to find a cab. I remember looking back and seeing him fall to his knees, not being able to comprehend what I had just said. I didn't even comprehend it.

I continued looking at him for a while as I walked. He didn't move from the spot where he sat on his knees with his head in his hands. I swear I could see him crying, but it might have just been my vision screwing with me. He looked so pathetic and I felt a huge pang of guilt in my heart. I wanted to cry my eyes out and run back to him and tell him I was sorry.

And that I didn't know why I had said all those things.

Then it hit me. Why I was saying this. It wasn't really me. It was the stupid voice in my head. I paused after I had turned the corner and my eyes widened in shock. It had found a way to take control of my body and speak through it. I was scared shitless.

Took you long enough to figure that one out. Not the brightest person in the world are ya?