Ever After Never Came

My eyelids fluttered open, disturbed by the intrusion of light. The sun invaded the room through the slits of the blinds covering the window. I groaned, not ready to wake up. My mouth felt like I had ten cotton balls stuffed in there. Swallowing was a chore and my head felt like I’d been hit with a bat. I sat up as slowly as I could so as not to worsen the pounding, and blinked trying to focus on the area around me.

The room was not familiar to me at all, this was not my bunk. That’s when panic started settling in. I was tangled in sheets, making it harder for me to get up. I heard soft snores coming from my side. I looked over and saw a familiar face sleeping soundly next to me. In any other situation I may have been happy to see Alex, but not right now.

“Oh shit,” I gasped. I pulled the sheets away from my body revealing the fact that I was completely naked. “Oh no.” I spoke a little louder. I smacked Alex’s shoulder trying to wake him up.

“What?” He groaned, not bothering to open his eyes.

“Alex, get up. Please wake up now,” I pleaded. A confused look etched across his face as he opened his eyes, finally focusing on me.

“Abby?” he looked at me questioningly, then a look of recognition dawned on his face. “Aw, shit.”

He sat up quickly, checking under the sheets as well. He closed his eyes in dread, rubbing his face with a hand.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking and I just wanted you,” he rambled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think this through.”

I sat willing my brain to fill in the parts from last night that I was missing. Fighting with Jack, going to the party with Kara, drinking with Alex, dancing with Alex… and finally the one part I was freaking out over, sleeping with Alex.

“I’m the worst person in the world,” I groaned. Alex looked over at me, frowning.

“Look, we – we don’t have to say anything, if that’s what you want,” Alex said lowly. “We can just keep this to ourselves.”

“I can’t do that! I hated Jack for doing that to me,” I exclaimed. “How can I do that to him?”

“Do you want to tell him that we slept together?” Alex asked me rhetorically, getting out of bed. I looked away, slightly embarrassed that I could see him in all his ‘glory’. I instead busied myself with getting dressed without giving him a show.

Alex scoffed. “Abby, we fucked. I’m pretty sure I saw, touched, and maybe even kissed everything last night.”

“We were drunk,” I defended myself. “It’s not like you remember anyway! This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Oh well you know, I had it completely planned,” Alex mocked, pulling up his pants.

I frowned, a little hurt by how insensitive he was being. His face softened and he took a step toward me, placing a hand on my cheek.

“Look, I’m not saying it wasn’t amazing, because if I remember it, it was pretty damn good. I just don’t want you to feel bad about it. I really don’t care about what Jack’s going to think. I’ve seen him treat you like shit and I’ve seen you cry. I hate seeing you cry.”

I looked down, feeling terrible about everything. He lifted my face up to meet his eyes.

“You’re beautiful and sweet, and honestly, if I hadn’t been with Lisa when I met you, I would’ve done what Jack took forever to do. I would’ve made you my girlfriend,” Alex whispered.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Alex,” I replied. “You’re supposed to be with Lisa.”

Alex sighed and took my hands in his. “Lisa and me, we’re not good together anymore. I think we’re better off friends,” He explained. “I like you, Abby, a lot. Honestly, I wish you’d break up with Jack and maybe give things a try with me.”

I looked at him uncertainly. “Alex, you’ve never made a move before why are you making one now?” I was so confused, so utterly, utterly confused.

“Because I was with Lisa and when we weren’t together, you had Jack. You were happy,” Alex shrugged. “I wanted you to be happy.”

“Alex, don’t do this. I’m confused enough as it is,” I told him. I was officially torn. Jack did treat me like shit, sometimes I wondered if he really even loved me anymore. And here was Alex, a boy who was one of my best friends, telling me how much he cared about me.

“Just think about it,” Alex murmured. “I’m here if you need me, or if you want to actually take me up on the offer.”

I nodded slowly, looking at him for a beat before I leaned in a kissed him softly. He kissed back biting my bottom lip and wrapping his arms around my waist. I pulled away slightly, trying to catch my breath. Our noses were touching and he was trying to find my lips again. I placed my hands on his bare chest to stop him.

“I just need some time,” I told him.

“Take all the time you need,” Alex whispered back, bringing his lips to mine again.

“I have to leave,” I said uncertainly, trying to convince myself. He nodded and continued to trail kisses on my jaw. “Alex, stop.”

“Do you really want me to stop?” Alex asked with a smirk on his lips.

My hangover long forgotten, I closed my eyes as I answered. “No.”

I felt Alex grin and he moved us to the bed, laying back and pulling me on top of him. I kissed him, letting his tongue enter my mouth. Alex flipped us over, running his hands up and down my side. The skin tingled wherever his fingers brushed. I felt his finger run along the hem of my panties. He didn’t break the kiss as he slipped a hand under the elastic.

“Oh,” I gasped at the intrusion of his fingers.

“I want to make you feel good,” Alex whispered as he pumped his fingers in and out. I held in a moan, biting my lip.

“Y-you’re doing a g-good j-job,” I managed to say in between breaths, trying to keep my voice low and not attract attention.

“Just relax,” Alex whispered, pressing his lips to mine again.

~*~*~*~*~~*
I pulled my dress over my head, wadding up my tights in one hand and slipping on my shoes with the other. I needed to get back to our bus fast, it was almost noon. I tried to listen through the door to see if anyone was outside. I didn’t hear anything so Alex and I decided to run for it.

We sprinted through the small hallway, but I stopped short when we reached the lounge area. Pete was sitting on the couch watching TV. I frowned as Pete turned to look at us. I bit my lip as his eyes took in our appearance; flushed faces, our clothes thrown on haphazardly, and both sporting sex hair.

Pete raised an eyebrow at me. “So it was you two in there?”

I stared at the floor, completely embarrassed. I felt my face heat up in shame.

“Uh, we just passed out in there. Just woke up,” Alex said, trying to sound cool.

“You mean you passed out after sex, right? Because everyone heard you guys last night, we just didn’t know who it was,” Pete smirked.

“Please don’t say anything, it was a drunken mistake,” I pleaded, lifting my head to meet his eyes.

“It’s not my business,” Pete shrugged.

“Thanks,” I sighed in relief. I returned my gaze to floor.

Alex excused himself, placing his hand on the small of my back. “Later,” he whispered. He passed us and left quickly.

I nodded as he left, giving him a head start so that no one would see that we left together. I kept looking everywhere else except Pete.

“You seem guilty,” Pete observed, lowering the volume on the small television.

“I am,” I admitted. “I just fought with Jack because he cheated on me and yet here I go cheating on him,” I said.

“Maybe you should tell Jack, then,” Pete suggested.

“I can’t. I don’t know how to tell him,” I lamented. “I feel awful.”

“Abby, it’s your choice. You can tell him or you can keep it to yourself, but then you can’t blame just Jack for your problems,” Pete said.

“I know,” I admitted. “I’m just so confused. Just please, don’t ever mention this to anyone.”

“I won’t, just make sure you think about it. Make sure that this is the kind of life you want,” Pete stated, grabbing the remote and turning the volume up once more.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, finally leaving Fall Out Boy’s bus. I kept my head down, trying to keep my hair in front of my face. I made it to the bus as Alex was stepping out of the small bathroom in nothing but a towel, beads of water dripping down his chest.

“Uh, Jack’s in his bunk,” he stated, averting his eyes and slipping past me.

“Abby? Is that you?” I heard Jack’s voice call from his bunk. I made my way to our shared bunk, lifting the curtain and revealing a shirtless Jack. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin was pale and glistening with sweat.

“Yeah, hey,” I whispered, taking in his appearance. “Are you okay?”

He closed his eyes for a second, swallowing slowly. “I’m just hung over, I can’t remember anything.”

I sighed, placing the palm of my hand on his forehead. He seemed a little clammy. I stepped into the bathroom quickly, grabbing a washcloth and soaking it in cold water. I wrung out the excess water and returned to Jack.

“Here,” I said, placing the cool washcloth on his forehead.

“Abby, I’m sorry I kept Hannah’s pictures. It was wrong and I’m a terrible person for it. I’m so sorry,” Jack apologized. “I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I know you’re sorry,” I replied softly. “You’re a guy, just like you said.”

“But that’s not an excuse,” Jack replied. He sat up quickly, too quickly and groaned, holding his head with his hand. “Oh, that was not the best idea.”

“Lay back down, honey,” I instructed. I sat on the edge of the bunk, my feet dangling over the edge. I felt so much guilt hearing him apologize.

They were pictures, just pictures. Nasty and very pig-like of him, but still they were just pictures. I, on the other hand, I slept with Alex, and it wasn’t just a onetime drunken mistake, no I let Alex make me “feel good”. I was sober for that one. I shivered slightly at the memory of this morning.

“Jack, I just,” I started, trailing off. “I just want to forget about everything. Can we just start over again?”

Jack smiled slightly. “I’d love that.” He leaned up slightly, a sign that he wanted me to meet him halfway. I obliged, leaning forward and pressing my lips to his. Alex tasted different from Jack, sweeter somehow. I scolded myself for even thinking about Alex while kissing my boyfriend.

“Go to sleep, you need your rest for the show tonight. I’m going to shower and change,” I said. Jack nodded and closed his eyes. I grabbed my bag of essentials and got into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, hating what I saw. I was a hypocrite. A slutty, egotistical hypocrite, that’s what I was.

I sighed and stepped under the shower. I wish the water falling from the tap could wash away the feeling of filth from me, but the only thing it could sufficiently wash was the smell of alcohol and sex that Jack failed to notice.

I scrubbed until my skin was red and blotchy. I didn’t notice I was crying until I shut off the water and realized tears were falling. I dried my face with the towel I’d brought in and worked on drying everything else.

I pulled on my clothing, needed to get out of the suffocating confines of the bathroom. I caught sight of myself in the small mirror and an inexplicable sense of rage came over me. I hated who I’d become. I lashed out at the mirror, a guttural scream escaping my mouth as my hand made contact with the mirror. The glass shattered, cutting my hand up. I grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my hand, shocked at the red the soaked it.

“Abby are you okay?” Alex’s voice was slightly muffled by the door. It swung open, almost hitting me I the small space. Alex looked at the shards of glass on the floor, then to my hand. “Oh my god, we need to get you to the hospital.”

“No, I’m fine… just let me go to first aid,” I said, stepping past him. He caught my arm, the uninjured one, and stopped me.

“Abby, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m kind of bleeding here, let me go.” I stared at his forehead, unable to look directly in his eyes.

“Abby, something’s bothering you and I’m pretty sure I know why,” he whispered, checking behind him to make sure no one else was around.

“Leave me alone, please!” I pleaded, pushing past him successfully and stepping off the bus. I reached the First Aid tent and found a nice looking guy there.

“Hey there, can I help you?” he asked.

“Uh, I messed up my hand pretty bad,” I answered, unwrapping the towel to show him the damage.

“Whoa, what’d you do?” he asked in awe.

“Uh, I may or may not have punched a mirror,” I answered sheepishly. “I got mad?”

“I think you might need stitches,” he observed. I frowned, completely hating myself for being so stupid. I sat down on a folding chair and watched the guy manning the first aid tent gather his supplies.

“Is it going to hurt?” I asked fearfully.

“I’m going to try to fix it without stitches first. I’m Adam, by the way,” he added, slapping on some gloves and pulling out gauze.

“Oh, that’s interesting, I have a brother named Adam,” I said, ignoring the stinging. “He’s eighteen now.”

“Really, is he as cute as you?” Adam asked, mainly to keep me talking and ignore the pain.

I chuckled slightly, wincing as he fished out the glass that was stuck in a few of the wounds. “He’s like a hundred times cuter.”

Adam laughed, raising an eyebrow. “Well, in my experience, that’s hardly ever true. My little sister, she’s way prettier than me,” he smiled. “You’re Barakat’s girlfriend, right?”

“Y-yeah,” I stuttered, sucking in a breath as Adam poured hydrogen peroxide over my hand.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “Anyway, I thought I recognized you. People have been talking about you for the past couple of days; heard you broke Barakat’s guitar.”

I blushed. “Yeah, I, uh, did. Not my most awesome moment.”

“Well, I heard about what he did,” Adam shrugged. “So really I don’t see it as a bad thing.”

“Thanks,” I replied lamely. Conversation lulled between us and I watched him dip a gauze in a clear gooey substance.

“It’s like glue. It’ll hold it ‘til it heals, and we’ll keep it wrapped,” Adam explained

“Okay,” I nodded. We sat until it dried and he wrapped my hand carefully.

“Alrighty, there you go,” Adam smiled. “Just keep it dry. If you shower, cover it. Make sure you keep an eye on it. If you want you can comeback every other day and we’ll check it and disinfect it.”

“Okay, thanks,” I said, standing up. “I’ll probably be by within the next few days.”

Adam nodded and left me to finish setting up. I walked aimlessly for a while before I found a nice spot on the lawn underneath a tree.

What the hell was wrong with me? I was never violent, never did stupid crazy things. I was just insane. What had I become? This wasn’t me. I wasn’t a lying, cheating, skank who hits mirrors. This isn’t me. When did I lose sight of who I was? When did I become the very thing I hated?

Ever since I met the boys; that’s what it was. I looked out over the venue, my eyes falling on Alex, Rian, and Zack who were walking around the parking lot. They were laughing and carrying on, loving every minute of it. They belonged here, but I didn’t.

I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong anywhere.