I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

I hadn’t spoken to Lisa in person since the night we’d gotten into a fight over my involvement in the baby’s life. She was going to get her wish now, I mused. I was trapped into marrying her and therefore, I’d be around for the baby. We would buy a house, I assumed, maybe another dog or a cat. We’d have a nice little kitchen and a big backyard and have gatherings 3 or 4 times a year with our friends and family. We’d go on vacation once a year and have little friends over for the baby, while drinking champagne with their parents. Even though, I couldn’t see myself drinking champagne, since it was for celebrating and this would be more like a funeral for me.

There was something wrong with all of these mental pictures, though. There was something noticeably absent. Even as my eyes closed of their own will, I could see it.

Fast-forward, maybe a few years, Christmas time. A big white Christmas in Baltimore. My parents, Lisa’s, Rian and Cassadee were there with a baby, Zack and a beautiful girl, our dogs, a few other faceless nameless friends. The tree was decorated, we all had drinks in our hands and the table was set for a lovely dinner. But a place remained empty at the table, the chair lacking the coat or purse or present that the others had. None the less, the place was set, the utensils shining beside the gleaming empty plate, the wineglass sitting there while the others were in the hands of laughing friends and family.

My eyes passed over everyone, and just then, the doorbell rang. In my fantasy, Lisa opened the door, and Jack was standing there, awkwardly. He held a brightly wrapped present in his hands, and as soon as he stepped inside, a little blond girl ran towards him. “Uncle Jack! You came!” she squealed, and he caught her in his arms. My breath caught because she looked so happy with him. He whispered something in her ear and then set her down. My heart stopped as he headed towards me.

“Alex. You look good.” Where was the warmth in his voice?

“As do you, Jack.” Where was the warmth in mine? “Are you staying this year, Jack? We set you a place; it’s no trouble at all.”

He ran a hand through his hair. He’d changed it since I remembered it last. It was no longer the black mass that I’d ran my hands through so many times, but a short practical lighter brown that made his eyes stand out even more. My fists clenched and I shoved them behind the tailored suit I was wearing. Suits, at Christmas? Jack looked much more Christmassy, in a bright red sweater and black pants.

“I’m sorry, Alex, I can’t stay. I promised May that I’d be there for dinner at 5. It’s Josey’s first Christmas, you know, and it’s really a special event that I can’t miss. I just didn’t want Evangeline to think that I’d forgotten about her. I hope she likes my present. I got her a collection of guitar picks, you said you didn’t have anymore to give her so …”

The warmth that pooled in my stomach was mirrored in the moisture in my eyes. “She’ll love it, Jack. She’s already so like you, she really looks up to her uncle Jack.”

Jack’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well, she’s got a pretty solid musical role model at home, too. I mean, the band has gotten even bigger since I saw you guys last. What, your last headlining home tour, it was estimated at 20,000 people?” He couldn’t quite stop the bitterness from inflicting his voice, and he had moved away from me.

I couldn’t help but reach out. “Jack, don’t do this. I never asked you to leave, me or the band. The band still misses you, we want you back.”

“I’m sorry, Alex, but the band isn’t good enough. If and when you’re ready to leave her, then we’ll talk.”

I couldn’t help the tear that slipped down my face. “I’m sorry, Jack. I can’t do this to Evangeline. You know that.”

His smile slipped and his eyes clouded over. “I know.” He looked at the ground, and then started to say something. “Alex-“

He was cut off by Lisa coming up to me. “Lex, I need you in the kitchen, the potatoes blew up!” she looked panicked and ran off, and I looked after her, a fond look in my eyes. We weren’t in love, and we both knew it, but we had some good times and were pretty good friends. I hated to see her flustered.

I turned back to Jack. He’d been watching me watching Lisa, and the look in his eye was more than unreadable.

“Jack-“ I stretched my hand out, but he caught it in his and gave me a gentle push.

“Go, Alex.”

I didn’t let go of his hand for a few moments. “W-will I see you again?”

For a minute he looked unsure. But then he smiled and said “Of course! I’ll be here for Evangeline’s birthday, if not before.”

My lip trembled. “O-o-kay.”

He leaned forward and hugged me quickly. “Give her my love, okay Alex? I’ll see you around.”

Before I even had a chance to react, he was out the door and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wouldn’t see him again.

I was drenched in sweat when I woke up. The alarm clock was flashing 2:05am and the cushion of the couch I’d been lying on was soaked. Light rain drizzled outside my window and I got off the couch in a zombie like mode.

I walked past the bunks, and stopped at Jack’s. I could see his silhouette through the flimsy curtains. Lightening flashed at the right moment, and I could see that he was tossing and turning. The blankets slipped, and a rush of longing washed over me. I watched him for a few more minutes, and then tore myself away and briskly walked to Lisa’s bunk. I didn’t even say anything to alert her before I barged in.

She was sitting on the bed, her arms wrapped around her. She looked miserable, but I barely even had time to notice that.

I didn’t even sit, I didn’t get down on one knee, nothing. I just said it, in the most normal voice ever.

“Lisa, will you marry me?”

I hadn’t counted on her reaction. Tears filled in her eyes and she threw her arms around me. She cried in my arms for a few minutes, and then, nodding, looked at me.

“You just saved my life, Alex. I owe you.”

I owe you. Not I love you. I dismissed the thoughts and sat down.

“I guess we better talk about this,” I said, and started at the beginning.