I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

My heart hurt as I walked up the long driveway and towards the house that I’d spent so much of my childhood in. Very few of the memories I had here were happy memories, either. Except maybe those I had with Alex, Rian, and then later on, Zack. When they were here, nothing else had mattered to me. It was just when I was alone …

The wooden door was scratched and stained. Paint was peeling off of the door and the window was screen less and a crack was fixed with duct tape. It had been that way for as long as I remembered. I didn’t understand why. I remember, I’d come to my parents once, offering to change some things around here.

“Mom, why haven’t you ever gotten that window changed or put in some new screens or something?” I asked one day. We’d just came home from the Believers Never Die tour, and I’d decided that it was my duty to come home and spend some time with my parents before we left on tour again.

I hadn’t been home (oh, how I cringed at calling it that) in almost a year, and I’d almost forgotten the sad state of the house I’d loved when I was a child.

The green paint had faded to an almost brown, and was starting to peel. The window that Alex and I had broken a few years ago while playing baseball (yes, in the house) had never been properly fixed. Instead, a piece of plexi glass had been duct taped over top, and the screen that had gotten ripped had just been thrown out and never replaced. The door was cracked, most likely from the numerous times that my father had left the house in some sort of rage. I can’t imagine why my mother would want these reminders around her all the time.

She had looked at me. I wasn’t able to read her expression in the low light, but there was no mistaking the contempt in her tone. “In case you haven’t noticed, Jack, we’re not exactly made of money.”

I knew that. I wasn’t stupid.

“I can give you the money, Mom. I’ve told you that before. It’s not a problem. Just tell me how much you want and –“

I was cut off by something hitting me firmly in the arm. It stung like crazy, and I instantly stopped talking.

“Listen here, Jack Bassam Barakat. There is more to life than money. I thought me and your father had at least taught you that. You can give us all the money in the world, but you’re not going to change the fact that you’re ashamed of us. We’ve known it all along. We could see the expressions on your little friends faces when they came here. We knew there was a reason that you didn’t spend as much time here as elsewhere. You can give us all the money in the world, but its not going to change the past, Jack. You can’t change the past.”

I left the house then, because I’d heard enough. I stayed with Alex for the few days I was supposed to be in Baltimore, and then I flew back to Los Angeles, to my own apartment with my own memories and my own taste.

My apartment may have been cold, but it was more of a home than here had ever been, I mused to myself as I walked along the porch. I had nothing but good memories from my place in LA. My parents weren’t able to separate money from happiness. They’d always been obsessed by money. I’d always wished for happiness.

As I placed my hand on the doorknob, I realized that I hadn’t been home since that last time, when my mother had thrown the remote and her hatred at me with the same hand. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t 6, 13, or even 21 anymore. I was 23, an adult, and no matter what happened, I could handle it.

I opened the door and shut it quietly. No lights were on, no sounds were evident. I waited a beat, and then called out.

“Mom? Dad … is anyone in here? I got your text, you wanted to see me?”

A shadow fell across me, from the stairs. I looked up, and was surprised to see my older brother. He hardly ever made it home, and he was never here at the same time as me. It was simply an unspoken rule.

“They’re upstairs,” he said, and then fled back up the stairs. I heard a door from the right of the stairs close, and figured he’d retreated into his room to do was he was so good at – nothing.

My skin, so warm but minutes ago from the sun and Alex, was chilled by the somberness of the house, the secrets that the shadows so adeptly consumed.

The stairs creaked as I climbed them. Sunlight flooded the upstairs, the contrast so sharp from downstairs that I blinked several times before I was able to adjust.

“Hello?” I called out again. This time, I got an answer.

“We’re in your room, Jack, darling,” came my mom’s voice, rightly enough, from the room that had been mine for almost 18 years.

My room? Darling? Confusion flooded my pores and drained me of whatever strength I’d managed to muster up for the upcoming battle.

I walked into my room. They were sitting on the bed. My mom looked like she’d aged at least 20 years. Her hair was graying, her eyes were drawn and tired, and she had lost a lot of weight. Her clothes hung limply on her, and did nothing to disguise the tiredness on her face. My dad simply looked like a hardened man. He’d aged long ago, and since then had simply grown more poker faced and rough around the edges.

“Sit down, Jack,” my mom said, gesturing to a chair. I listened and sat down.

“We wanted to talk to you about some things that have been troubling us since we heard that you came home,” my mom started.

My head spun. I knew it had been inevitable that they would find out about me and Alex but I’d always assumed that I would be the one to tell them. Not that it would change the outcome any. They’d still disown me, and then maybe I’d have the freedom I wanted. I just had to get through their lectures of how I’d always disappointed them and how I was not good enough, and then I’d be free. Dutifully, I tuned back in to the conversation.

“We’ve always wondered if you were, well, if you were more interested in men than women, Jack. There have been some signs over the years. We just chose to ignore it. We figured you would tell us in time. Most children confide in their parents eventually.”

I knew this was a stab at me, but I chose to ignore it.

“Now that we now know that you are gay, we just think we should give you some … advice.”

My parents had never once given me advice, not once as long as I lived under their roof. I’d went to Alex for advice, I’d went to May for advice, and God help me, I’d even went to Joe once for advice, but never, ever had I considered going to my parents for advice.

“You really should stay away from Alex Gaskarth.”

My father’s words, his first words sine I’d came into the room, cut through me like a butcher knife trhough a slice of bread.

I managed to choke out a word. “Why?”

My father looked at me. “He’s out of your league.”

Denial raced through my mind. Alex loved me. He’d told me so so many times that I’d lost count. I loved him too.

“You may think that you are in love, but just wait. One of these days, he’s going to tire of the novelty of being with you. Just see it my way. He’s always been well off, a spoiled kid. He’s always gotten what he wanted. He’s always tried things just to please himself. He’s done what other people wouldn’t to shock everyone because he doesn’t care what they think of him. You’re just a game to him, Jack.”

Heated words flew from my mouth before I had the sense to stop them. “You’re just a lying prick! All along it’s been you who’s treated me like I wasn’t worth anything. Alex has always been there for me. Even if our relationship doesn’t last and he curses me to the edge of the earth, he will still mean more to me than you EVER could.”

Rage crossed my father’s face for all of the briefest moments, before it relaxed back into the mask that it always was.

“Jack, Jack, you’re so disillusioned. We just want to protect you. Even if Alex wants to be with you, can you really see his parents allowing him near you again? Don’t you remember the first time you had him over?”

The memory stung like a bee sting.

“Mom! You promised me you would clean up! Alex is going to be here any minute and this place looks like a dump!” I shouted at my mother, who was most likely in her room sleeping off her latest pain pills.

“Do it yourself, you lazy fuck. You never do anything around here,” came a reply not from his mom but his dad.

“I’m in school all the time and I work after school, unlike other asses who just sit around doing nothing!” I screamed back at him.

“You’re too good to help out around here, is that it?” came the scornful reply. “Because you’re still in school and you have a job and you have that good for nothing band of yours, you think you’re better than the rest of us. But you watch and see, one day karma is going to crash down on your ass and you’re going to realize that you’re no better than the rest of us. You’re not good enough.”

Angry tears snuck out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I angrily scrubbed them away. My temper took over instead, and I flung something at the wall. It shattered as it hit the wall, and it was just then that the door opened to reveal a very confused Alex and his very unhappy mother.

“J-jack?” Alex asked in a hesitant voice. It was clear that they’d at least been privy to me shattering the crystal vase. Alex almost looked scared of me. He’d never seen me like this.

“Hi, Alex,” I answered in a weak voice. His mother glared at me.

“Alex, maybe this isn’t a good time. We’ll come back some other time.”

Alex looked at his mother in surprise. “But, mom! You know how excited I’ve been to show Jack the new songs that I worked on all weekend, I have to see what he thinks of them and –“

“Alex, we’re leaving. You can go show one of your OTHER friends.” The way she said other made it clear that she approved of the others and not me.

“But, Mom, I don’t like their opinions. Jack’s opinion is the only one that counts and –“

“And nothing, Alexander. We’re leaving.”

She grabbed Alex by the arm and pulled him out the door.

“Bye, Alex. Bye, Mrs. Gaskarth.” I said, but got no answer. It was only once Alex was in the car and his mother was opening her door that she looked at me with an expression that no one else had ever looked at me with – pity.

It had been the same look that she’d given me when I’d announced to her that Alex and I were in love. The degrading, demoralizing, unsympathetic pity from someone who felt sorry for you for one of two reasons. Reason one: they knew that they couldn’t do anything to help and therefore would distance themselves from your life and casually mention you at a party or something as if you were naught but a new purse or a new star. Reason two: they were going to make your life a living hell, and wanted you to know it ahead of time.

Sick realization invaded me and I realized that I had been so stupid to just think that Alex and I could be together the way we wanted to be without someone interfering.

A quote randomly popped in my head.

It doesn’t matter who you fall in love with, because someone, somewhere, won’t approve.

Hot tears cascaded down my cheeks with all the force of a waterfall. I dropped to my knees and buried my head in my hands.

A hand touched my shoulder. “Jack, we never meant to hurt you. We just wanted to warn you because we love you and –“.

Violence arose in me. I pushed my mother across the room.

“You don’t love me! You aren’t capable of love! You have never, ever, looked out for me or tried to do what was right for me. It’s just always been about hurting me. You fucking bitch. I may not end up with Alex, but you sure as hell won’t end up with the perfect son that you’ve always wanted! You fucked up big time, do you hear me? BIG TIME!” I screamed the last part out.

“I swear I will never, ever set foot in this house again. Even if I’m not good enough for Alex and his family, I still know one thing: I DESERVE MORE THAN YOU’VE EVER GIVEN ME. All you’ve done is knock me down and walk over me and shit on me. Well guess what? You might as well have killed me, because guess what? I am dead, dead to you as could be!”

With that, I walked out of my parent’s house for the last time. It was pouring rain all of a sudden and lightening lit up the sky overhead. I didn’t have a destination in mind, but soon enough I found myself at Alex’s house.

I found though, that I couldn’t bring myself to knock. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone else. Instead, I climbed up into the tree house that we’d made as kids. It was barely big enough, but it was dry and I lay down gratefully.

My last thought before falling asleep was of me and Alex, when we were kids, when everything was okay.

I was too tired to realize that I was crying as I closed my eyes.