Let Me Be The One To Save You

The black and purple corset constricted my breathing and I let out a gasp as it was pulled even tighter. The outfit was painful but the overall look made it worth it.
It was Halloween, and Frankie's birthday. Apparently it was tradition for him to hold a small fancy dress party and, as a new member of the group, I was invited.

"Tight enough?" Toni asked as she tugged the purple ribbon once more, pulling the corset tighter against my body.

I nodded, too breathless to speak. My breathing would be constricted for the night but that wouldn’t matter as long as I looked good.
The full length mirror I stood before displayed my vampire costume in all its glory. I'd gone with the traditional Gothic Victorianesque look. My black and purple corset trimmed my waist making me look slimmer in the tight, ankle length, fish tail skirt - black of course. I wore dainty ankle boots and black satin gloves to finish the ensemble.

Aunt Toni smiled at my reflection, "You look amazing, but now let's do your hair and make up."

She pulled my already messily curled hair into two bunches and pinned them up. She back combed pieces to give it more 'oomph' as she called it. A tiny black top hat with a pretty veil was pinned just of centre on my head. The result left me thinking that I looked like Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Lovett.

"Wow," I whispered. "I look so different."

Toni just laughed, "Just wait until I'm done with you. Now go sit at the vanity."

I did as I was told, even closing my eyes when instructed to do so. Brushes were stroked across my face and fingers used to blend things. It felt like I had been sitting there forever until Toni told me to open my eyes once more.

The person staring back at me looked nothing like the Ciara Johnson I knew. My face was pale with a ghostly blue tint. My stormy grey eyes were outlined in a thick rim of black that made them stand out against my skin. The scarlet red that painted my lips was striking and made me look almost beautiful.

“Thank you Toni,” I grinned widely and realised what I was missing.

“Here,” Toni handed me a small box and three envelopes. “Put these fangs in and then open the letters. They arrived for you this morning.”

She tried to smile but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. The door closed softly behind her as she left me alone in the room, staring at my reflection.

I did as I had been told and opened the little box first. Inside, against a red velvet cushion, were the final touches for my ensemble. Two pearly white fangs and the putty to apply them with. They were difficult to get on right but once I had them correctly attached to my own incisors, they looked amazingly realistic.

Once my outfit was complete and as near to perfect as humanly possible I looked at the envelopes my aunt had handed me. The first two I recognised immediately. The handwriting on the first belonged Aidan, my boyfriend and the second belonged to Rachel, one of my best friends. I opened them and they both contained the same sort of information, nothing that particularly sparked my interest. What I was more interested in was the last envelope. It was white and official looking. I pried it open, the glue so strong it tore as I opened it. Inside were a couple of handwritten pages, the penmanship on which I instantly recognised. My breathing hitched. I felt a lump form in my throat and tears burn at the back of my eyes. But instead of reading those pages, I reached for the typed sheet of paper that lay atop them. It was an official letter from “An Garda Síochána” - the Irish police force- on headed paper and dated a week before.

Dear Miss Johnson,
Enclosed you will find a letter written by Fergal Kilborn on the night of his death.
This letter had been taken as evidence for the inquisition into his death. But, as copies have been made, we deem it acceptable to forward the original on to you at your current address.
We hope this finds you well. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us at the address given at the top of this letter.
In closing I would like to offer mine, and my colleagues’, condolences. It is hard to lose a friend so young.
Yours sincerely,
Sergeant Anthony Reid.

I smiled sadly and folded the letter before placing it back in the ripped envelope.

The handwritten pages now caught my eye. I wasn’t sure whether I really wanted to know why my best friend had taken his own life, mainly because I was scared he would blame me.
My hands reached out at their own accord to pick up the pages and they trembled so much that they nearly ripped the paper as I unfolded the off white pages. The writing was familiar, but at the same time, completely different. Some people say you can tell a lot about a person by how their writing changes and, if Fergal’s last words were anything to go by, I’d have to agree with them. His usually neat and curly, almost feminine, writing had become slightly sloppy and spiky. It was written in a hurry, that much was obvious. The pen had smudged in various places and the margin was covered in doodles like love hearts and stars, along with phrases like Carpe Diem and Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened . I wondered how he could write such optimistic words when he was about to take his own life.

I took a deep shaky breath and began to read the last words of my departed best friend.

Dear Ciara;
My dearest friend, what can I say to make this any easier? Nothing I guess.
I really don’t know what to say except - I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing this. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry I never told you what was going through my mind. I’m sorry I’m not a good enough friend for you. I’m sorry that I could never be as strong or brave as you. I’m just really fucking sorry and, although I know it won’t mean much to you, I have to make sure you understand just how sorry I really am. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. . . And you’re the reason why it’s so difficult.
I love you Ciara, with all of my heart. You’ve always been my best friend - probably my only true friend - and, if I wasn’t following through with this horrible deed, chances are we would’ve stayed best friends. Forever. You’re my everything darling. The reason I get up in the morning. The reason I’ve tried for so long. The reason I even lasted this long. If it wasn’t for you darling, I would already be six feet under. You kept me alive for so long.
Remember when your dad walked out on you and your mum? Remember how you cried because he’d never see you grow up, or have the chance to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day? And remember how I promised to be the one to walk you down? I’m sorry I’ll miss that chance, it’s something I really wish I could be there for. But, I suppose I’ll just watch from wherever I go after tonight. I’m going to make sure you marry someone who is worthy of you.
Follow your dreams darling. Never listen to your mum - or anyone else for that matter - when they say you’re not “smart enough” or “talented enough” . . . they are so fucking wrong! You’re amazing at everything you do. Become something that will change the world. Become a writer, a poet, or an artist - something you’d love. Fuck it, do whatever the hell makes you happy. Even if that means becoming a stripper! ;)
You’re so beautiful Ciara, both inside and out, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. If I was straight I can assure you, I would’ve fucked you a long time ago! ;) Ignore those jealous fuckers who always try to put you down - just remember that I think you’re beautiful, and I’m always right. (:
Don’t you ever even think of blaming yourself for my decision. This was a long time coming and nothing you could have done could have changed my decision. I’ve been mentally ill for a long time and I guess I brought a lot of it on myself. Coming out so young caused so many problems. “/
Tonight, when we hung out for the last time, I didn’t want you to ever leave my house. Because, I knew that as soon as you left I’d want to die again. You make me happy and one day, some guy will be lucky to call you his.
I love you, oh so much, never let yourself forget that. Always remember, although I’m gone I’m still watching over you, trying to keep you safe. Please don’t do anything stupid. ):
Love you. Forever.
Goodbye,
Ferg.
X x x x ♥

I blinked back tears and folded up the pieces of paper. He had been so depressed yet never told me. Why? I could’ve helped him. Could’ve stopped this from happening.

The folded up, handwritten letter glared up at me from the table and I roughly shoved it back into the torn envelope, unable to face it anymore. Today was supposed to be one of celebration, but instead I was sitting in front of my mirror biting back tears.

I inhaled slowly counted to three and exhaled, a breathed exercise my doctor had taught me. It helped me relax and get my mind off what I had just read. Fergal had been my everything and I had let him slip away, but I couldn’t keep dwelling on the past. Tonight I would focus on the present and have fun with my newfound friends.



Things are always easier said than done and I should’ve known that this would be no exception. The party was larger than I had excepted and everyone was real nice. I posed for pictures and laughed when people asked if Gerard and I had co-ordinated our costumes - he was also dressed as a Victorian vampire. But, as I went through the motions and acted as people expected, my mind was constantly thinking of Ferg and the letter. Even as Gerard walked me home, my mind wasn’t entirely in the present.

Gerard pecked me on the cheek and pulled me into a tight embrace on the sep outside my house, “G’night Ciara, feel better.”

Before I could ask what he meant, he was already halfway down the driveway. I just shook my head and unlocked the front door, letting myself into the quiet, empty house. Toni and Austin were also at a party and had obviously stayed out later than me.

“Hey Ferg,” I whispered, feeling silly as I sat cross-legged on my bed, trying to talk to my departed best friend. “We haven’t talked in a while. I guess that’s my fault. But I’ve missed you.”

My hand rubbed at my leaking eyes and came away black with eyeliner and mascara. I giggled a little and looked at the photo I always kept on my bedside table. It was the last picture I had taken of him. It was the start of summer and he was lying on a patch of grass, his blue hair covering his eyes and that cheeky smile on his lips. He looked so happy and carefree, it wasn’t hard to see why I hadn’t noticed his internal struggle.

“Why Ferg? Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped. could’ve kept you alive,” My voice faded to almost nothing on the last word as I realised how pointless asking these questions was. Even if Fergal could answer, it was too late. He was already gone.

I pulled a face wipe out of the little green packet that lay next to Fergal’s photo. My makeup, already smeared and faded, came off easily, making my face cleaner and little bit healthier looking.

“Oh, nothing’s the same without you dude,” I whispered to glittering green eyes, tears pricking the back of my eyes. “I love you so much. Wish you could be here. We’re supposed to experience everything together but instead, I’m trying to survive all on my own.”

I sniffed and wisped tears from off my cheeks ,”I sound like a right bitch, don’t I? I’m sorry, it’s just hard to accept that you’ll never be here for anything I experience. The hope and dreams we had are crushed.”

That was the hardest thing to face. Fergal wouldn’t be here when I went to college. He wouldn’t be here to bring me to Disneyland like he always promised. He wouldn’t be here when I got married. He’d never get to see my first born child or any others I may have. Everything we’d planned had changed now that he was gone.