The Pursuit of Happiness

“How about this one?” Constance asked holding a pair of yellow baby romper with an unfading smile gracing her lips. We have been shopping for two hours and it didn’t seem like she was exhausted at all. In fact Constance looked happier with every purchase that we made, but I, on the other hand, was feeling grumpier and grumpier. Mood swings.

“I love the color,” I admitted smiling slightly. Yellow seemed to be the color that would suit a newborn regardless of gender. Besides, it was too early to determine the gender of the little soul that was growing under my heart.

I had my first ultrasound earlier today and Constance insisted on coming. Ever since I told her about the pregnancy, she was making sure to be a part of the process as much as she could. She came over more often and tried to just be there for a little moral support. I could see the adoring and the longing in her bright blue eyes whenever she looked at the little bump that was growing with every passing week. It made me happy and sad at the same time – I wasn’t able to admit to Constance that it was her grandchild I was carrying under my heart; I was too much of a coward. So instead I drowned in my misery not knowing what to do – it was too late for the truth, I was sure of that, but I also knew that the point where I had to come clean was getting nearer and nearer. I could feel it.

Constance’s heart broke when I told her that the pregnancy was unplanned and it was an accident – I refused to talk about it and she respected my decision. She knew that I would come to her if I needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on, but she could never imagine the truth behind the whole situation. I felt like a traitor.

But what made me even sadder was Ruby. I could never forget the way she looked at me as silent tears streamed down her rosy cheeks and my cold hand in hers, shaking violently. Her blue eyes bore into my soul, invading and demanding the truth, but I couldn’t get the words past my lips – I’m so sorry for sleeping with your grandson. How could I? It was too much. Who was I to do so? Who was I to even like the way he held me? Who was I to enjoy the way Shannon’s lips met mine – so demanding and full of lust. A nobody.

“And what about this one? It’s too cute!” Constance cooed finding another piece of baby clothing. She was enjoying the shopping too much, but I couldn’t blame her. If I was in Constance’s shoes, I would be more enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I was too tired to function properly. The only thing I wanted was my large, soft bed and Pythagoras – the little baby sleeping next to me, cuddled into a furry white ball.

Pythagoras had grown into a wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful dog. He was still a puppy to me and I would always call him my little baby, even now when he had grown into a big ball of fur. I remember how small he was the first time I saw him in that little basket of his, with a red bow around his little neck – it was the best gift I received that night, well, almost, and I was so grateful.

I have never had a pet before, let alone a dog, so Pythagoras was getting all of my love and attention – something I had always wanted to give to a four-legged friend, but never had a chance to do so.

Constance’s phone rang and the smile on her face grew even wider. She flipped her phone open and exclaimed, “Shannon dear!”
Oh God. I felt my insides turn cold and the ringing in my ears increased – this was not good. I looked at Constance’s beaming form as she sorted through some baby clothes listening to her son’s talking.

“That’s good to hear,” she nodded looking at me, lifting a little bonnet for an infant, but I couldn’t move let alone function properly – I was focusing too hard on trying to catch what he was saying on the other end of the phone.
What if he knew?

I dismissed the thought as soon as it came into my mind – how could he possibly know?
It was impossible and beyond ridiculous.
But maybe, just maybe …

“Oh yes, I’m so glad to hear that,” Constance smiled browsing through some more baby stuff. “Yes well, me and Helena are shopping. It’s raining today so we decided to hit the stores in search of something that would please our hearts.” Constance laughed looking over at me. I tried to smile, but it came out awry.

“Okay, you do that. Say ‘hello’ to Tomo and brother, and take care of yourselves,” she listened to Shannon before letting out a deep chuckle. “Alright dear, have a good show.”

As soon as Constance flipped her phone shut, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding – too close, it was too close. Constance took my arm and led us to the cashier, “I miss my boys.” She admitted and there was sadness written all over her face regardless of the warm smile, playing on her lips.

* * *

“Did you tell her the truth?” Vicki asked, placing a fork full of César’s salads in her mouth.
I sighed looking down at my pasta and shook my head no, “I couldn’t.”
“What are you afraid off? They will be more thrilled than angry at you for carrying their offspring.”

What if Vicki’s words were true?
What if they would be happier than angry at me for keeping the truth to myself?
It was their heir after all.
But maybe it was too late?
I did lie about the beginning of pregnancy – I said that it was an accident and something I wasn’t planning at all. Not a complete lie – I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant after that one night, but the pregnancy, let alone the baby was in no way an accident.

I could not bring myself to call the little soul in me a mistake, my morals stood higher than that. And now when I look at Vicki and how her eyes shone brighter whenever I told her something about the baby growing in me, I totally understood her reasons behind being completely against abortion. It was a murder – a cold and heartless murdering of one’s right to see the daylight.

How could I do that?
How could I rob a soul from being born?
How could I kill my flesh and blood?
Just because it was the child of the man I despised the most didn’t mean that the child had to be stripped down from the rights to live – to breath, to open those little eyes and see the beauty that surrounded it, to open that little mouth and smile or even cry in protest, and to breath in the aliveness – the magic surrounding the little bundle of joy.

And what if the baby was actually a little girl?
Maybe she would bear the looks of her mother –beautiful dark brown locks and bright green eyes. I could almost imagine those chubby little cheeks with a hint of rosiness to them.

But what if my little girl would have the looks of her father – those defined plump rosy lips and hazel eyes that bore into people souls. What if she would be the spitting image of Shannon?
How could I live day by day, looking at her and feeling as if he was following my every move?
The questions would arise and the truth would have to come out and see the daylight.
What would happen then?

But maybe the little soul growing under my heart would be a boy – a beautiful baby boy, looking as if angels blessed him with the good looks. The first words coming out of his little mouth would be ‘moma’ and how my heart would skip a beat hearing the beautiful sound.

“You okay?” Vicki asked looking at me with concern written in her eyes.
“Yeah,” I smiled taking a napkin and wiping the unshed tears from the corners of my eyes. “I was just thinking about the baby.” I admitted looking down at my twelve week baby bump – it was barely noticeable, but I knew better. I could feel the little bundle growing with every passing week.
I was happy.

Even if things would go wrong after my confession which had to come sooner or later, even if Shannon wouldn’t want to do anything with the baby, I would be there for him or her. I would dedicate myself to the little being wholeheartedly – I would be the best mother a baby could ask for. No matter what, everything would be just fine.

“It’s time for celebration,” Tonka’s cheery voice brought me back to reality as she and Constance came back, placing a wine bottle on the table with a loud thud.
“I think every day is like a party to you,” Vicki addressed her future mother-in-law.
Tonka laughed and shrugged, “yes well, occasions like these do require a proper wine, don’t you think?”

“Fine,” Vicki surrendered smirking slightly and taking the glass from Constance.
“And of course, no wine for you missy,” Tonka smirked looking at me as Constance placed a glass of orange juice in front of me. “Thank you,” I said feeling slightly annoyed. They were treating me like I was some sort of a patient, but I completely understood these wonderful women – I had to take care of myself more properly now that I had a life growing inside of me.

“So tell me, how’s the pregnancy going?” Tonka asked sitting down at the table and opening the wine bottle, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Well … everything’s good. I had my first ultrasound today and Constance assisted me,” I said looking at Constance who was smiling, holding her wine glass for Tonka to pour the red liquid in.
“How far are you, dear?” Tonka asked looking at the stream of wine that poured into the glass.
“Twelve weeks,” I said pushing the near empty plate away from me and taking the glass of orange juice.

It was seven in the evening and the café was almost empty apart from a few people here and there, eating their dinners and living in their own little world. What I loved the most about the café that Tomo’s parents owned was the atmosphere – the calm music playing in the background, the warm colors surrounding the place and of course the meals – simply and utterly delicious meals that couldn’t compete with anything I have ever eaten outside the comfort of my own kitchen. Tonka and Damir had put a lot of love and effort into their business, and it showed.

“You’re in your first trimester and you’re not even showing!” Tonka cheered looking at my abdomen. “Oh don’t worry dear, the little bump will be there, I can guarantee, but you won’t have to suffer from self-consciousness seeing as you are so tiny. I remember when I was pregnant with Ivana – I felt like a whale.” Tonka exclaimed taking a gulp of her wine while Constance and Vicki chuckled.

The thing I loved about Tomo’s mother was her personality – she was this one of a kind woman who would always bring attention to herself no matter what she did. Her loud voice and excitement over the smallest things made it hard not to love her or even admire the woman – the joy and the passion for life was the most admirable qualities one could possess and she had it all. Now when I looked at her closer I could see the similarities between Tonka and her son – Tomo had inherited his mother’s optimism and excitement, and those were the qualities that drew people to him.

“And how does the father of the baby feel?” Tonka asked passing the glass of wine to Vicki. I looked up and noticed everyone lowering their gazes apart from Tonka of course. She didn’t know about the situation that I was in, the situation Constance knew about and the truth that Vicki and I kept to ourselves.

“Well,” I said feeling like my mouth had suddenly run dry. I took a large gulp of my orange juice and tried to collect my thoughts. “The father doesn’t know that he has gotten me pregnant,” I said trying to avoid any eye contact. I knew that if I looked at any of them I would blurt out the truth and that was what I feared the most – I didn’t need it just yet, not now.

“I … It just happened and I prefer not to talk about it,” I said placing the glass back in its place on the table and looking up at Tonka. She looked at me with a puzzled expression, but soon replaced it with understanding, “oh.”
Vicki looked at me her eyes judging, but she knew that what I did was right, for now at least.

“Well then,” Tonka said, trying to diminish the awkward moment. “To the baby!” She saluted raising her glass.

* * *

“What?” I asked not understanding why Vicki was looking at me with that expression written all over her face. Constance and Tonka had disappeared in the far end of the café leaving me and Vicki alone.

The sun was setting and the closing time was fast approaching, which meant that the celebration was taking a full swing – it was never a celebration with one wine bottle; that was not how things worked out with Tonka.

“The lies … You know, it was okay at first,” Vicki exclaimed leaning in on her elbows. “But now it’s making me sick. The whole situation – it’s a disaster. We are lying to so many people – Ruby, Constance and now my future mother-in-law. You know how this will end?” Vicki asked her temper rising.

“I know … I just can’t,” I said averting my gaze to my lap.
What was I supposed to do?
Come clean right here, right now?
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“Fine,” Vicki sighed leaning back in her chair. “We’ll see how far this will go, but I’m warning you, Helena, out of this situation only bad things will come.”

The thing I hated the most was that Vicki was right in every word she spoke. The most pathetic thing was my refusal to let the truth come out of my mouth. The most pathetic thing was my refusal to pick up the phone, when the boys called from being miles away. And the worst thing was – I let it all happen. I let them fade away from my life because of the silly sex I had with their band mate. It wasn’t so hard to pick up the phone and ask Jared or Tomo to hang the phone over to Shannon and say those three words – I’m pregnant.
How hard could it be?
I guess pretty hard if I was so afraid of doing so.
Pathetic.

“Helena?” A voice asked bringing me back to reality. I looked up and saw a pair of brown eyes looking straight down at me. “Oliver.”
“I see you remember my name,” he smirked and I felt my insides turn cold. Shit.
Could the night get any worse?

“Yes well …” I said not really knowing how to continue.
“So, you’ve been avoiding my calls,” Oliver said his tone somewhat playful, but it had an edge to it – almost as if his pride was hurt.
It was true – I have been avoiding Oliver’s calls for the past weeks.
“Yes … well, I did say that it was useless for you to call me,” I said looking him straight in the eyes, trying to make my point clear. “I’m not interested.”

His brown eyes never lost the twinkle, instead the smirk on his plump lips widened and I had to hide my emotions from appearing on my face. At that moment he reminded me of Shannon so, so much.

“Why is that so, may I ask?” He said leaning slightly over the table and dared me with his expression.
What was he trying to prove?
“Well, that’s maybe because I don’t feel any kind of attraction towards you,” I said feeling the confidence rise within – I wasn’t intimidated by him and to be completely honest, his obsession of getting to know me better was starting to get annoying. A guy had to understand that when a lady said no it meant just that – a simple and strict no.

“I don’t believe you,” he simply said and I had an urge to roll my eyes.
Was he for real?

“Listen … Oliver, she said that she doesn’t want to go out with you nor does she feel any kind of attraction towards you,” Vicki’s strict voice rang. “So why don’t you just back off and get it through your thick skull that she’s off your league.”

Oliver looked at Vicki, but didn’t say a word. Instead he just stood there his smirk never ceasing, “it’s just a simple outgoing. It’s not like I’m asking for her hand.”

“Well that might be out of your league too, because my girl here is pregnant,” Vicki said, her tone getting edgier and edgier – she was losing her cool and that was not a pleasant sight to see. “So do a favor and stop stalking her, it’s getting annoying.”

The information ran through Oliver’s mind as the smirk on his lips finally was wiped off. Instead he just looked me over with his strict stare, before bowing slightly and bidding farewell, “well then, I must say I’m sorry for the inconvenience I brought upon you. Ladies, have a good night.”

* * *

I sat on my bed brushing the tangled locks of my dark hair and thinking about the day that was coming to an end. To come and think of it, it wasn’t as bad as I first thought it would – I had my first doctor’s appointment today and learned that the baby was perfectly healthy, and the shopping bags full of colorful baby clothes were lying neatly on the ground in my walk-in closet, waiting for the baby to come.

I also met Vicki, Constance and Tonka today – the three women that were with me in this journey on their own free will. I could’ve been alone, but no – they were here for me and the baby that had no father. Well, at least that was what the two of them thought – Vicki on the other hand wasn’t too happy about the whole situation and honestly I couldn’t blame her. I knew that my actions were wrong, but I was scarred – I was so scared of being left alone in all this mess and so I decided to take the hardest way out – I lied.

It was hard for me to look at the people I loved and lie in their faces, saying that the father wanted nothing to do with the small soul growing inside of me. What kind of a mother was I for doing so?
Shannon didn’t even know about the existence of his offspring and yet I didn’t even give him the right to know, to even choose and make a decision – whether he wanted to be in the baby’s life or not.

Pythagoras was sleeping soundly beside me and the sight made my heart skip a beat – the little furry baby was so careless and so free.
Why couldn’t I be so careless?
Why couldn’t I be happy just for once?
Why was I making such a huge deal out of it?
Yes, I lied and I continued to do so, but … It was my right, it was my choice and my decision.
Why should I feel this bad about myself and the life I lived?
It was my life for God’s sake.

The telephone on my nightstand buzzed and I looked at the screen – Tomo.
“Tomo, hei …” I said, smiling softly. God, I missed him.
“Is it true?” I felt a little taken aback by the strictness of his tone.
“What are you talking ab – ”
“The pregnancy, Helena.”

I felt my insides grow cold.
How did he know?
“How did you know?” I whispered, my hand stroking the little bump.
“So it is true?” Tomo demanded his voice cold.
I tried to gulp down the lump in my throat, “yes.”

“Unbelievable,” Tomo exclaimed. “So when were you planning on telling us?”
I closed my eyes, trying to block out the headache that was slowly forming in my mind. This was not good.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?” Tomo asked his voice coated in disbelief. “Helena, you’re three months pregnant and you hadn’t had the decency to talk to me or Jared. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you keep something like this from us? No, I have a better question for you – how could you throw us out of your life so simply? We have tried to call you over the past three months only to be met with silence. What the hell is going on?”

I couldn’t believe how angry Tomo was; I couldn’t even believe that we were having this conversation. He was so angry at me and he had every right to be so. It was my fault – I shoved them out of my life in fear of getting caught; I was the friend that turned her back on them; I was the one to blame to all the mistakes and regrets I felt; and most of all – I was the one who hurt her friends and loved ones and continued to do so.

“So who’s the father?” Tomo asked his voice cold.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I tried to avoid the question.
“Oh don’t you bullshit me! I asked you a question so please be kind and answer it – who is the father?”

I felt my head spin – this was it, I had to come clean. There was no way to run anymore, not from Tomo. He would see past my lies and I couldn’t let him do so. I couldn’t even lie to him …
“Helena, answer me right now, who is the father?”

“Shannon,” I said my voice cracking as a sob escaped past my lips. “It’s Shannon’s.”