The Pursuit of Happiness

February – the seventh month of my pregnancy and also the month when a certain someone was returning home from the tour. I was excited to see finally see Jared and Tomo again, but I was worried and a bit afraid to see him. The dreadful feeling in my lower abdomen was getting worse with every passing day, and I couldn’t help but wonder – was the moment of truth finally approaching? But no matter how uncomfortable I felt, I had to get it all finally out.
Shannon had a right to know.

“Here,” Alona said placing a glass of orange juice in front of me. “Drink this and eat the breakfast I made.” She looked at me with those fiery green eyes of hers and I knew very well that this wasn’t the topic that was discussable – she wouldn’t take a “no” for an answer. But I guess she had a right to be this motherly towards me lately.

I wasn’t feeling too good in the past few weeks; the headaches were constant occurrences now when the date of baby’s birth was fast approaching and there was also the nausea – sometimes it was unbearable, other times it was barely there. I wondered if that had anything to do with the fact that I was so nervous about the whole concept of giving birth – what if it would hurt too much and I wouldn’t be able to give birth ever again? What if something would happen during the whole process? What if I wouldn’t make it on time and give birth on my way to the hospital? What ifs, what ifs … too many things were running through my head and I didn’t know how to shut my mind down and just let things be …

“Please, try to get some rest and quit your worrying,” Alona said, putting her jacket and a knitted scarf on. “It’s not healthy for you and the baby.”
She sighed, placing a soft kiss on my forehead and heading out.

I sighed.
She had a point.

It was a beautiful morning – the sun shone brightly in the kitchen’s windows and once again a deep sigh escaped past my lips as I took a gulp from my glass.
Alona was right, I was worrying too much and it wasn’t doing me anything good – I had to get myself together.

* * *

I felt a shiver run down my spine as the cold wind of February blew violently around me. The sun was already setting behind the horizon, painting the sky in a flaming red shade and making way for the chilly night to overwhelm the peaceful neighborhood.

Pythagoras was leading the way home as slowly as he could due to my condition – it wasn’t easy for me to walk around like a normal, non-pregnant person, because I indeed was pregnant and Pythagoras understood it perfectly. In fact with the pregnancy I have bonded with him on a level I could never explain if one would ask – Pythagoras was just a puppy and yet from times to times he acted too wise for such a young age. This protectiveness and caution towards me was something that still astonished me, but I grew to like it. Sure he still loved to be the little crazy puppy that he was, but when it all came down to me and my wellbeing, Pythagoras acted as if he was there with me my whole life – somewhat like a father figure. He knew and felt me inside and out and that made him my protector.

Pythagoras also knew that I was his master, the only person he would listen to without a doubt, but in situations when I let my guard down and allowed myself to become small and vulnerable, he took over. Never once had Pythagoras left my side when there was too much on my mind; his silent presence was like a remedy for my racing thoughts.
Pythagoras was always there.

“He’ll be there to protect you when I’m not around,” Jared’s voice filled my mind and I closed my eyes, sighing.
He was right.

Constance said that the boys would come home any day now, but she wasn’t able to say exactly when. Her youngest son was a man who loved to be surprised and to surprise in return so coming home a day or two earlier wouldn’t be anything new.

The thought of actually seeing Shannon after all this time crossed my mind quite of few times today and the day before, and of course all the other days before too. I hated to admit it, but I was thinking about him a lot, maybe even more than I needed too. I no longer felt hatred towards the man; instead my heart was filled with joy and gratitude, because it was Shannon who gave me the best gift I could ask in life – a son.

Apart from gratitude I also felt longing – I missed him. I missed his strong arms and the feeling of total dominance when he had a chance to hold me those few blissful times; I missed the way Shannon locked those hazel eyes of his with mine – the pure power and authority shone brightly in them and Shannon’s plump lips curled into a smirk when he was satisfied and knew that he got me right where he wanted; I missed Shannon’s whole being, but the scariest part was feeling all these emotions running through me and understanding fully that I didn’t even know him. He was the most charismatic person that has walked the earth and I finally surrendered. I stripped away my pride and dignity and was left naked in front of the truth – I was completely and utterly attracted to Shannon Leto.

But I forbade myself feeling any signs of hope – Shannon was too much for me. To be completely honest I knew very well that I wouldn’t be able to handle him, nor myself or the way I acted and felt around him – the uneasiness and the tension, and of course the need when I had a taste of the man.
No, I had to hold myself together, no matter what!

A sudden thug on the leash brought me back to reality as Pythagoras slipped out of my hold. “Pythagoras,” I shouted after the dog who ran as fast as he could towards the … black SUV that was parked in the Leto household’s driveway.
Oh God.

I felt my insides freeze as my feet carried me absentmindedly closer and closer to the vehicle and to the moment of truth.
Oh God.

I also felt a sudden kick in my belly and a slight movement. The baby was awake and he had sensed my distress so I brought my hand to the big bump, stroking it and trying to calm my racing heart. This was not supposed to happen so soon! It was too soon!
How could I do this?
How could I face Shannon right here, right now?

A loud bark and the sound of laughs hit my ears as my eyes never left the black vehicle. They were home, he was home. The kicking in my abdomen didn’t stop and I felt my baby move more and more with every passing second. Even he knew that his father was near.

I felt a lump forming in my throat, my hands turning ice cold and the feeling of nausea returning to my body.
I was so scared.
All the self-talking and getting a grip on myself, all the promises to be honest and finally come clean flew out the window the moment I saw the car.
He was here and it was too soon …

“Helena?” a familiar voice brought me back to reality once again, “huh?”
I looked up into the pair of mesmerizing blue eyes and felt my body relaxing as his name came past my mouth in a relieved sigh, “Jared.”

He stood there with his arms shoved in his black jeans and a welcoming smile gracing his lips. Jared’s blue eyes shone with anticipation and I couldn’t help, but let the sob escape past my lips, as his strong arms wrapped around my cold form. “Jared.”

“Hey you,” he laughed in my hair as I closed my eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling. I was so overwhelmed seeing him after all this time, and so I couldn’t help myself – I felt like crying.
“I missed you,” I whispered trying to calm my rushing nerves.

Jared let go, placing his arms on my shoulders and taking a good look over my small form, stopping right at my midsection – the seven month baby bump was showing perfectly under the layers of warm clothing I tried to pull on. His beautiful blue eyes seemed to be glued to the belly and his stare made me feel slightly uncomfortable until the sound that was barely louder than a whisper came past his perfect lips, “wow.”

He looked back in my eyes and I felt my knees go week – he was staring right into the depths of my soul and I felt vulnerable under his gaze, but somehow I was unable to look away. Those eyes captivated me every time. “It’s so …” he whispered looking back at the belly and placing his arm slowly over the bump that was covered with knitted clothing, “beautiful …”

The simple touch and the words he spoke made my insides freeze – he was so gentle, so caring and yet so mesmerized by the feeling of a life inside my body. His eyes never left the bump as a small smile graced his lips, while his fingers touched the life that will soon see the daylight.

The baby in my belly started kicking and I winced at the contact – instead of being pleasant the contact was rather painful.
“Everything’s okay?” Jared asked withdrawing his fingers back as he looked at me with concern written all over his beautiful face.
“Yeah,” I managed to reply stroking my belly to calm the baby, “I haven’t been feeling well lately and I guess the baby feels it.” I sighed stroking my belly in circular motions, trying to calm the little soul.

The slight headache and nauseous feeling returned as I felt a soft fur brush against my legs. I glanced down at Pythagoras who was trying to get my attention by licking my cold fingers. It was time to go home.
“You look kind of pale, Helena, are you sure you’re alright?” Jared’s concerned voice asked as he brought his arms to my shoulders, steadying my form. I nodded and smiled, “I’m alright, just a bit tired.”
“Then you should rest,” Jared stated the obvious with a small smile gracing his thin, beautiful lips. I nodded and opened my mouth to bid my goodbyes much to my dislike, when the front door of the Leto household opened and revealed the man I was so desperately trying to avoid and meet at the same time. Shannon.

* * *

I put the cancer stick in my mouth and opened the door revealing the sight I thought I would never see. Well, at least not now.
My brother stood there with a woman that I tried so hard to blame for all of my problems – the mood swings I have been feeling for the last seven months while travelling around the world, the sexual frustration of the inability to look at or even touch other women, because they had nothing on her, and of course Helena Mori was the woman who had messed with my mind, seduced me with her fiery eyes and left me empty handed and craving for more.
She was a plain, European girl, nothing special, absolutely nothing … And yet I was so fucking drawn to her.
I hated Helena Mori so fucking much.

I felt my insides boil and my whole form started to shake.
How dared she to show up her face after everything she had done?
How dared she to even come close to me, to my family?
And how dared she to just stand there, with her fucking beautiful green eyes looking at me, drinking in my presence and yet she did nothing?
Didn’t she see?
Didn’t she know how much I needed her, how much I craved for her touch, for her moans, for the kisses and for her whole being?
How dared she … be pregnant?
What the hell?

I looked at her swollen abdomen and prayed to God that what I saw was a dream, a fucking nightmare to be precise. It couldn’t be … she was just … she has just gained weight, it wasn’t what I thought it was … Was it?
This woman could not be pregnant, no! I refused, I forbid her to be pregnant!
How could she do this to me?
How dared she?!

I felt my form shake more and more as I drank in the sight before me. She had her little arms wrapped around the round belly, stroking it slightly, while her eyes never left mine. Helena was so beautiful, so, so fucking gorgeous and I wished so desperately to hold her once again, but I couldn’t. She … wasn’t the same – the belly proved it.

How could this happen?
How could I let this happen?
Who was the fucker that did this to her, to my Helena?
I was trying to so hard to forget her, to curse her, to hate her, but I couldn’t … Instead I felt myself become a mess and because of what?
Because of a woman I had spent one night with! One God damned fucked up night!

“I should go,” her soft voice reached my ears as she bid her goodbyes to my brother. I looked up into her face, but she was already making her way to the dimly lighted house she occupied.
No!

Absentmindedly my feet carried me to the place where Jared stood, as I finally lighted up the cigarette and dragged in a huge smoke. I needed it and I needed it bad.
I looked at Helena one more time before she disappeared in the comfort of her house.

As I watched her walk away in her pregnant way, I couldn’t help, but let the rage fill my emotions. “Fuck,” I cursed feeling my insides starting to boil with every passing moment.
“Why the hell is she pregnant?” my voice sounded more menacing than I intended it to be.

Why was she pregnant and the most important question – who got her pregnant?
I thought she didn’t go out that much, let alone meet someone who could actually make their way into her bedroom. The hell, even I wasn’t allowed into her bedroom – all I ever did was bring her into the comfort of her beautiful, peachy-creamed silky sheets. Her bedroom had a vibe of sacredness which I didn’t dare to disrespect, so I left. I left her that morning with shame for what I have done. But never ever had I regretted anything. I was so fucking glad that I had a chance with her and yet I was so fucking pissed that I had that fucked up chance.
It wouldn’t happen ever again.

“Why not, she’s a grown woman.” My brother shrugged and I tried so hard to not punch him in the face right there, right now. “The hell?” I hissed at him, trying hard to control my temper. “She’s pregnant, Jared, don’t you see?”

His blue eyes remained calm and collected, he didn’t even flinch. He knew.
“Did you know about this?” I demanded. This was too much.
“Yes I did,” Jared said calmly.
Fucking calmly.

Never could I imagine being this angry at my own brother. He knew that Helena was pregnant and yet he kept it to himself. “You knew and you kept it to yourself?” I spat.
“Yes, Shannon,” he replied leaning casually against the black SUV. “I didn’t know you care.”
“Care?” I spat. “I fucking cared, Jared! I fucking cared a lot!” I shouted throwing the unfinished cigarette on the pavement losing the pleasure in smoking completely.

“I fucking care about her,” I said after I collected myself enough not to explode on my brother. “I don’t know why, but I care. Jared, she’s … she’s pure evil, she did this to me … I am not able to look at anyone else, because all I see is her. The hell is wrong with me? I don’t need some bitch to tie me down! I don’t need this shit!” I shouted feeling my temper rise once again.

“Calm yourself, brother,” Jared said once again in a calm voice of his and I saw red. “Calm myself? The hell I can calm myself!” I shouted throwing my hands in the air. “She’s like a fucking disease and you ask me to calm myself? Fuck, I dumped Miranda for her … I finally admitted to myself that I am drawn to her and here she is, all fucked up like some slut by a douche who in the end knocked her up. And yet you ask me to calm down?!” The final words registered in my head as I felt myself being taken by the shirt and pushed forcefully against the car.

“That insult will never leave your mouth ever again when you talk about Helena, you hear me?” Jared spat in a low voice as I felt myself being paralyzed. It was the first time my own brother spoke to me in such way. “Especially when you’re the douche that knocked her up!”

Jared’s blue eyes widened as the words left his mouth. Suddenly I felt the world around me stop to a halt as his words swirled in my mind. “What?”
I asked my voice suddenly losing its tone. “What did you just say?”

Jared sighed, letting go of my shirt and brushed a hand through his hair. He looked me in the eyes and begged for forgiveness.
“Jared …” I tried so hard to calm myself, I tried so hard to remain collected, but the beast inside of me wanted to be free …

“She’s pregnant with your child, douche. Apparently you don’t know what a condom is.” Jared spat as he looked the opposite direction.

Suddenly the images of that night filled my mind. She looked so damn fine standing there with her legs wide and her womanly juices slowly sliding down her smooth thighs, as I forced myself in her warm, tight folds. The painful noises she made with her beautiful mouth made the thoughts in my head swirl uncontrollably as I suddenly understood her discomfort. It was her first time and I was so fucking rough. But on top of that I was so intoxicated with her being, with actually having Helena and making her mine, that I forgot the most important thing – protection.

“Fuck,” I whispered as the realization dawned on me. She was pregnant because of me. She was pregnant because of that one night and … She had the decency to keep it away from me! She fucking kept the fact that she was carrying my child away from me! The anger resurfaced and I felt my form shake, once again. “She was pregnant with my child and she fucking kept it from me?” I shouted looking at Jared who was looking anywhere else but me. He knew too. “You knew it too and you … you, my own brother, my flesh and blood, you kept it from me?”

“It wasn’t my place to tell,” he tried to explain, but I wasn’t having any of it – he kept it from me.
“You kept it away from me!” I shouted coming closer to Jared and this time it was I who grabbed him by the shirt, bringing his form closer to me.
“Shannon,” he tried, but I silenced him with a shout. “You kept it from me, Jared … Who else knew, huh?”

Who else knew that she was running around with my child under her heart?
“Who else knew?” I asked Jared once again shaking his form. “Who else knew that the bitch had my child under her heart and hadn’t had the decency to tell me?”
“Shannon, calm do – ”
“I’ll fucking calm down when you will answer the question! Who else knew? Mom, Ruby? Vicki? Tomo? Did they know?”

“What is going on in here?” a foreign voice asked as I twirled my head to see the intruder. My mother stood there, her eyes wide at the sight before her. She was looking at me as if she didn’t know me, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to care if I scarred my mother or not. I needed to know the truth.
“Did you know it too?” I spat looking at her.
Her brow furrowed in confusion as the words left her mouth, “knew what?”

“Did you know that Helena was carrying my child? Did you know it?” I spat trying so hard to not be affected by the way my mother’s eyes widened in surprise and how her mouth shaped in the form of ‘o’. She didn’t know.

“Shannon, please calm down.” Jared tried again which only made me become even madder. “I won’t calm down until I speak to the bitch herself,” I shouted releasing the hold on my brother’s shirt and looked at the dimply lighted house.

My feet carried me to the house at the speed I never thought the human could possibly walk in, but I wasn’t able to stop, not even when I reached her porch. I tried to jerk the door open, but it was locked, so I pounded my fist against it and shouted, “Helena, open the door!”

I heard a door barking in the background and the sound of footsteps before the door was being slowly opened. And there she was, with her dark curls pulled up in a ponytail and a tired look on her face. The sight was too beautiful for me to ignore, but as I remembered the purpose of my visit I let my gaze shift down to the belly – my baby.

Rage clouded my head once again that evening as I spat the next words with force and venom, “when were you planning on telling me?”
Her beautiful face paled as she shivered, “what?”
“I asked you a question – when were you planning on telling me that you’re carrying my child?” I tried so hard to be gentle, to calm myself and just speak to her like a normal person would … But this was not a normal situation and she was being so selfish.

“Shannon, I …” she whispered as her gaze fell to the ground.
“Shannon what?” I spat. “How could you do this? How could you keep something like this away from me? Are you really that selfish?”
Her fiery eyes blazed with fire as she looked at me, “How could I? Excuse me for letting you live your fucking life while you’re on a fucking tour! You were the one who left that morning! You were the one who wasn’t able to hold it in his pants let alone learn what a condom is and when a girl is a virgin! And yet here you stand and accuse me for keeping the truth to myself! Yes, Shannon, that is so selfish of me!” She spat as her breathing becoming more forceful.

“You fucking kept the truth from me, Helena! I had a right to know!” I spat throwing my hands in the air, trying so hard to come closer to her form. I didn’t know what I would do if I had her in my hands …

Pythagoras was barking loudly as I looked at the white mutt and shouted more forcefully than I intended too, “shut the fuck up.” The dog whined, but as soon as the sound came out, he bared his teeth at me and started to growl, but I ignored the dog and focused on Helena. She was angry, I could feel it and yet there was sadness in her eyes. I tried so hard to ignore the feeling of sympathy that tried to creep into my head. No, no more mister nice guy … I want my revenge.
“So what now?” She asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“No child of mine will be born as a bastard,” I said my voice stern. “You will be my wife and that’s final.”

I have always thought about marriage as something that tied two people down to false obligations they could easily break and swore to myself that I would never end up in a situation like that, but … I guess I was wrong and karma was out to get me, because right that instant I was standing at Helena’s front door proposing, no, more like demanding her hand in marriage.

Helena looked at me as her plump lips moved with shock, “there’s no chance in hell I will ever marry you!”
How dared she?

“Then I’ll sue you for full custody,” the words left my mouth and I felt satisfied as her face became pale.
“You … You can’t do that … you won’t,” she whispered and I smirked.
“Just watch me.”

“I don’t want to marry you, Shannon, I can’t … I don’t …” she pleaded as her voice cracked and a sob escaped past her plump lips. But I wasn’t feeling any of it, hell, there wasn’t even sympathy left in me. All I wanted was revenge – a pure feeling of taking over her form, her body, soul and life. She was right where I wanted her to be.

“It’s not about what you want anymore, Helena, it’s about the baby and what is right for it.”
Sobs racked her body as I looked at the girl who was slowly breaking down in front of me. To be completely honest the sight before me brought a feeling of satisfaction to my heart. I loved to see her this way – all vulnerable and broken, so I smiled.

“Shannon,” her voice pleaded and I was about to stop what she was saying when her next words made my insides freeze. “My water just broke,” she looked up with tears running down her cheeks, as her hands were holding the lower part of her pregnant belly.