Alex Gaskarth Must Die

We decide to meet on Sunday at 2 o’clock, sharp.

It’s Sunday, 1:54 right now, and I’m late.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’ I yell at my left shoe, which won’t get on my foot. ‘Why are you not cooperating,’ I mutter under my breath as I attempt to force it on. It gets on and I stomp a couple times just for good measure - who says inanimate objects can’t feel things? - before grabbing my bag and dashing out of my bedroom.

‘Don’t forget to drop off the Netflix DVD’s!’ Dustin, my fifteen-year old brother, hollers after me. I roll my eyes but call back an affirmative as I jump into the garage and hurriedly start the car.

It’s pushing 2:10 when I finally stop the car in front of Brittany’s house (mainly due to all the traffic lights hating me) and I sprint up the path as quickly as I can. The door opens just as I raise my hand to ring the doorbell, Brittany’s mom coming out.

‘Hi, Mrs Lucas,’ I say hurriedly. Brittany’s mom turns out to be just as good-looking as Brittany, just more in the elegant-with-money rather than head-cheerleader way. Her hair is shoulder length and slightly wavy and she’s dressed in heels and a Chanel tweed blazer. ‘I’m, ah, Rebecca, one of Brittany’s friends?’

‘Oh, yes, she said she was expecting one more. Go on in, I was just about to go out.’ She smiles warmly at me and opens the door wider as she steps out. ‘Hope you girls have a good time,’ she says before leaving.

I step into Brittany’s house and fuck me if it isn’t basically the house of my dreams. The ceiling over my head could be at least a mile tall, and there’s a gorgeous chandelier dangling from it. It’s wide and open and welcoming and basically screams money, with it’s white walls that fade into yellow for the kitchen and eventually dark red for the living room. The stair case winds up and I realize it’s going to take a while to find the girls. ‘Uh- Brittany?’ I call out hesitantly.

‘Over here!’ she yells back. ‘Last door on the right!’ I nod gratefully and follow while looking at the family photos that are framed on the burnt-orange wall. They’re mainly just holiday pictures - Miami, abandoned castle in Scotland, Leaning Tower of Pisa, etc - in which Brittany and her older sister Jamie look every inch the gorgeous blondes while their parents take the roles of parents-you-wish-your-parents-would-be.

Brittany’s room is probably the size of my living room. The walls are painted baby blue and the carpet is lush and white. There’s a giant bed pushed against the wall and two doors against the right wall that probably lead to a walk-in wardrobe and a bathroom. There’s half a wall next to her bed, but then it cuts into another wide, open space with shiny hardwood floors and a massive flat-screen TV hanging on the wall. The girls are sitting on the floor by the sofa, half-watching America’s Next Top Model and eating junk food.

‘Way to be late,’ Brittany says as I walk over to them and sit down.

‘Sorry. Lights had it out for me, I swear. Also, your house is like a mansion and I’m jealous,’ I laugh.

‘I know,’ Zoe adds, smiling at me. She looks a lot more comfortable than she did two days ago and I’m glad she’s settling in nicely. ‘Makes my house look like a dog house in comparison.’

‘You know, you could probably, like, adopt like half of Baltimore and have them live here,’ Lauren adds.

‘Start an orphanage,’ I suggest.

‘Or a homeless shelter,’ Zoe giggles.

Brittany rolls her eyes and switches off the TV, turning to us with a serious expression. ‘Now that we’re all here, we need a plan.’

I roll my eyes and pull the bowl of gummy bears towards me. To be perfectly honest, this ‘plan to destroy Alex Gaskarth’ was kind of stupid. Try really stupid, actually. I wasn’t the girl who did those crazy plans in shitty teen movies; I was the girl in the background that usually made fun of them, but secretly enjoyed the show.

‘I was thinking we should go classic,’ Lauren says.

‘I didn't know there was a classic way to go for Breaking a Person’s Heart,’ I say. Brittany shakes her head and sighs dramatically. I stick my tongue out and she laughs while Lauren explains.

‘Of course there is,’ Lauren says. ‘Have him fall in love and then pull that out from underneath him.’ Brittany nods approvingly. ‘So, when are we starting this plan for Life Ruination?’

‘Tomorrow,’ Brittany says immediately. ‘We’re abducting you and Zoe into my clique, the cheerleaders. Today we’ll head out to the mall and-’

‘Wait, back up. Abducting? What?’ Zoe says.

‘Yeah, I second that. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m crap at dance,’ I say.

‘It’s not that hard,’ Brittany shrugs. ‘All we really do is wear short skirts and do jumping jacks while we hold pom-poms. And I know you guys are kind of iffy about this whole Alex Gaskarth Must Die thing, but I figure if you’re gonna go in, let’s go all the way, right?’

‘Um.’ Zoe and I exchange a glance. I shrug minutely; what the hell, right? ‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘Sure,’ Zoe says.

‘Great! So here’s the plan.’ Lauren starts to pull out a sheet of graph paper and a stack of colored markers. Brittany and I look at each other and then her, shaking our heads. ‘What?’ She blinks at us.

‘Honey, no,’ Brittany says.

‘I’m sure we can understand it without the help of a flowchart,’ I say. Lauren rolls her eyes.

‘Fine.’

‘As we were saying,’ Brittany continues, ‘Zoe and Alex get together, they fall apart. We can work it out as we go along.’

‘That’s it?’ Zoe picks at the nail polish on her thumbnail, flicking flecks of lilac into the air. ‘It’s not very complicated.’

‘Kind of the point,’ Brittany says.

‘Unless you want to make out with all his best friends and drive him into a drug-fueled depression,’ I say, deadpan. Zoe giggles.

‘Sure, I guess. So when are we being abducted into the cheerleading squad?’

‘Today! I was thinking we could hit the mall after this?’

‘You just wanted an excuse to shop for the back to school dance,’ I groan dramatically, but push myself up anyway.

‘Guilty as charged. Um- I don’t know about you, though. It’d be kinda weird to have you hanging out with us, everyone knows we hated each other.’ She directs the last part towards Lauren, who nods.

‘Yeah, I know. I’ll head home and you guys can fill me in later.’

‘Hey, we should make this a weekly thing,’ I suggest.

‘Wednesday or Tuesday?’ Brittany’s already whipped out her SideKick.

‘Wednesday. Dead middle,’ I say. ‘I’ve got work right after school, but I’m good after 4:30.’

‘Same,’ Zoe says.

‘I’ve got tutoring until 5,’ Lauren says.

‘Cheerleading until 5, but you guys’ll be there,’ Brittany says. ‘How about dinner at my place then?’ She gasps and beams at us excitedly. ‘How about a sleepover! 7 on Wednesday ‘til Thursday?’

I laugh. ‘I’m up for it,’ I shrug. I dunno, it was kind of fun being with somebody so bubbly all the time. Robin was more condescending, in that sarcastic, silently-judging-you way. I was actually starting to like these girls.

‘Yeah, me too. My mom’s already bugging me about making friends,’ Zoe says with an eye-roll.

‘Okay, sure. I can’t drive though, so somebody’s gonna need to like, give me a ride. And we’ll need an excuse for that,’ Lauren says.

‘I want to get into the photography business and Lauren’s showing me her grandpa’s old cameras?’ I suggest.

‘My grandpa has like, one Polaroid with no film,’ Lauren says.

Brittany laughs. ‘Nobody has to know. Well, we’re good then!’ She smiles at us and clasps her hands together. ‘Let’s go to the mall and get cheerleader-fied!’

- - -

‘Gaskarth, 12 o’clock,’ I hiss in Brittany’s ear as we enter American Eagle.

‘Zoe,’ Brittany says urgently. ‘We’re going for the not impressed angle. Ice queen,’ she says. ‘Cold, distant, ice queen.’

‘Um- Okay!’ Zoe squeaks. She looks a little nervous, but that’s just stage fright. She looks like the type of person who’d be a good actress, which is essentially just a good liar.

We’ve been in the mall a good two hours already, and we’ve all gotten manicures and pedicures. Brittany spent a whole hour trying on dresses in Betsey Johnson and finally, finally came out with a short pink strapless number. Zoe got four jeans at Abercrombie & Fitch (‘They were half price! And they make my butt look good.’) and I picked up two CD’s at the tiny little record store that’s going out of business.

‘Casual,’ I remind Zoe, trying to give her a sympathetic smile. She nods and turns to the rack of dresses she’s browsing with a determined expression. It’s so serious, I can’t help but giggle a little.

‘So, Brittany, aren’t you gonna introduce us to your new friends?’

Here we go! Brittany mouths to us. Zoe nods back and I roll my eyes.

‘Oh, yeah! Alex, this is Zoe and Rebecca, the newest additions to our cheerleading squad.’ Brittany clasps her hands together and looks expectantly up at Alex, who, no surprises there, already has Zoe’s hand in his. Is this really going to work? I mouth to Brittany. It will if you shut up, she mouths back, but with a smile.

‘So, Zoe? It’s a pleasure to meet you again,’ Alex says.

‘Mmhmm,’ Zoe says, sorting through the rack of shirts. There’s a flush appearing on her face - oh, God, some people are just not meant to lie, period - and she’s obviously panicking. She pulls off two shirts hurriedly - a green one and a white one - and holds them up to her. ‘Which one do you think?’ she asks us.

‘Green,’ Brittany and I say in unison.

‘And Rebecca!’ Alex continues, not missing a beat. ‘I had no idea you were into that sort of thing. We’ll see you both in those short skirts now, right?’ He points a significant look towards our asses.

‘Lovely to see you too, Alex,’ I reply. Ugh, I’d forgotten how annoying he was over the glorious, Alex-Gaskarth-Free Saturday I’d had yesterday. ‘I’ve missed you so much since our last class together on Friday. And here I thought I was going to get two whole, wonderful days without you. Seems I was mistaken, sadly.’

‘And here I thought I was gonna have to deal with a whole two days without you. My heart ached at the very thought.’ His friend - the one with the weird streak in his hair, what’s his name again - laughs next to him, although I can’t tell if it’s because of Alex or what’s on the phone he’s texting on.

‘In any case, you’ve out-stayed your welcome. We’ll be seeing you.’ I smile mock-politely and turn, Brittany shooting Gaskarth one of her bitchiest smiles as we walk away.

It isn’t until we’re safely all the way inside Nordstrom’s next door that we talk.

‘Ladies, the Battle at Fort Eagle is a success!’ Brittany squeals, almost toppling down in the six-inch platforms she’s trying on.

I laugh and kick off the pair of heels I was wearing and slip back into my trusty Converse, rolling my eyes. ‘It’s kind of fun being bitchy, actually.’

‘Yeah, it is!’ Brittany says, nodding seriously. Zoe laughs but shakes her head, biting her lip as she twists her hands around each other.

‘I dunno, guys. It seems kinda wrong…’ she says, sitting down in a chair next to me.

‘Oh, honey, I thought we talked about this,’ Brittany groans. ‘Listen, you’re new here, and you don’t know how Alex Gaskarth operates. Girls are like Kleenex with him. Use once, throw away.’

‘Use many at the same time and then throw away, more like,’ I add. ‘That was mean, I’m sorry. But are you sure you wanna back out?’

‘Um- Yeah, guys. I just, I don’t know if I can do this. I’m new here and I’ve got the job and I really, really want to get into Yale for writing and I have so many things to focus on at the moment.’ She looks at us with glistening eyes and bites her lip. ‘Is that okay?’

Brittany sighs. ‘Yeah, honey, that’s fine.’ Zoe smiles and opens her mouth, but Brittany cuts her off quickly. ‘But hey, you’re not getting out of this all the way. You’re still on the committee, just not doing the seducing-and-destroying part, okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Zoe nods. ‘I really could use some friends…’

‘And we are your friends! Seriously,’ I say. ‘Not just because you are a shitty liar and actress,’ I add, ‘but for your-’

‘Hey!’ Zoe protests, blushing furiously. ‘I never said I was a good liar, okay?’

Brittany laughs. ‘You were absolute crap, Zo, don’t worry about it.’

‘I tried! It was just kind of- I didn’t know what to- I had no idea what I was doing,’ she sighs with a small smile. ‘It was just kind of- blegh.’ Brittany and I laugh together.

‘Well, thankfully, you won’t be doing the ‘blegh’ work anymore,’ I say, still laughing.

‘We’ll delegate that role to Lauren,’ Brittany agrees.

‘You know,’ Zoe says after a pause. ‘I’m gonna go home after this and my mom’s gonna ask me what I did when I was out-’

‘Helped ruin someone’s life,’ I joke.

‘Yeah, it’s just gonna be like, ‘Oh, you know, Mom… The usual. Was bitchy, tried to bitch out a guy and play him. No big deal.’’ Brittany says.

Zoe laughs. ‘Yeah, but I like you guys. Even if what we’re doing isn’t the most… healthy activity,’ she finishes tactfully.

‘Hey, college applications love a good extracurricular like that,’ I laugh. Brittany nods, grinning as she speaks:

‘It’s called How To Break A Heart in 1 Year.’

- - -

From Robin B. to Rebecca H. at 11:43PM
hey, haven’t seen u around lately. sorry bout all my college things, they’re batshit crazy ik.

From Rebecca H. to Robin B. at 11:47PM
ugh dude, the fuckkk? i was sleeping. :(

From Robin B. to Rebecca H. at 11:47PM
since when does rebecca hall sleep before 12am?

From Rebecca H. to Robin B. at 11:48PM
i just figured i’d get some extra sleep tonight, school tomorrow and all.
what’s up?

From Robin B. to Rebecca H. at 11:48PM
i just thought we hadn’t talked in a while. what’ve you been up to lately?

From Rebecca H. to Robin B. at 11:48PM
um, kind of a lot actually lol. i’ll fill you in on monday, k?
wanna get back to sleep now, night.

- - -