The Remains Of My Wasted Youth.

I woke up and struggled for a few minutes to open my eyes. They felt like they'd been glued together during the night and they were stinging quite painfully. My body was weary, as if I hadn't even slept, and my head pounding.

"Ughhhhhhhh."

"That's an attractive sound if I've ever heard one." Rian's voice came from my far right and I rolled over. He was sitting at his desk, working on God knows what.

"What time is it?" I asked, struggling to focus clearly on anything.

"Almost noon. You slept for over 14 hours, but I didn't have the heart to wake you. It was a good thing you woke up, though. My mom was getting ready to call the ambulance or something, I think she was convinced I suffocated you in your sleep." My best friend's voice was light and teasing, but it still didn't help the flood of pain that washed over me.

"I wish you would have," I muttered, closing my eyes again.

I felt the mattress sink down and Rian's warm body pressed against me. "Don't be like that, man. I know shit's horrible, but there's always a reason to smile. I mean, you still have me, right? I'm not going anywhere."

I smiled despite myself and cracked an eye open. "Thanks, Ri. I mean it. So, um ... how much did I tell you last night?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "Well ... you didn't tell me too much. But ... I'm afraid my parents went and called your parents to find out what was going on."

"No." I looked at him, horrified. Color crept into my cheeks as I remembered all of the horrible things I'd said to my parents. " I guess I should get going, then."

I swung my legs out of the bed but stopped when Rian put a hand on my thigh. "Zack, don't. Not everyone is against you, man. We love you. My parents are on your side. In fact, my mom cursed your dad out so much over the phone that I half expected my grandma to walk in and rinse her mouth out with soap. My dad's gone to pick up all your stuff. I gave him a list."

Tears pooled in my eyes again. "I love you so much, Ri. I don't know what I'd do without you." I leaned into him and he wrapped an arm around me.

"I love you too, Zack. And that love is going to make me ask you something that will probably make you upset. But ... I know what happened with your parents ... but what's going on with Jack?"

Nausea hit me full force as the words I said to Jack slammed into my brain.

"I don't even care anymore! I don't need you, Alex! I don't need anybody! You'll be sorry. You all will!"

Tears slipped down my face. " I ruined it, Ri. I ruined it before it even fully started. He must hate me. I told him I didn't need him, I told him he'd be sorry. Why would I do something so stupid?"

"Because people in love do a lot of stupid things, Zachary. Why do you think they say love hurts?"

I looked up into the warm eyes of Rian's mom, Kathi.

"You do love him, don't you?" she persisted.

"I ... I ..." I didn't know what to say. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. Was it love? I knew I cared a lot for Alex, but love? How did one know when they were in love? What changed a feeling of intense longing/liking to one of love? I didn't know. I'd never loved anybody before. Not even my parents. I'd always liked them, respected them, but I couldn't ever remember a time when I'd told them that I loved them.

"Love's a tricky feeling, Zack. You don't want to rush into it, but when it's there, so undeniably there, like I see in you, you have to nurture it, let it grow. If you treat it right, it will blossom into something beautiful. It can be preserved forever. But if you don't pay enough attention, like any good flower, it will wilt each time there's a storm, and eventually, when there's nothing left but cold weather, it may not be able to find it's way back. Don't let that happen." Kathi lookedd at me long and hard and walked back out of the room.

"Your mom sure has a way with words," I said, dazed.

Rian looked as surprised as me as he nodded. "She's very forward, all right."

I shook my head. "I ... I don't know what to say. I need ... I need time. I need to figure out what's happening. I need to talk to Alex."

"Go," Rian said. "I'll be here when you come back."

I grabbed my shirt and car keys off the dresser and ran downstairs. Rian's dad was just pulling in with a trailer that have contained my stuff. He motioned to me, but I waved at him.

"I'll be back in half an hour," I said, jumping into my truck. Kathi was watching from the doorway, in obvious approval.

It took all of 5 minutes to get to Alex's house. I was relieved when I didn't see his parents' cars in the yard. I wasn't ready to deal with them yet. I knocked, and shoved my hands in my pockets, waiting. I heard the lock click, and sighed in relief. He was home. And opening the door.

I looked up, ready to launch into an apology, but it wasn't Alex's eyes I looked into. It was Matt Flyzik's eyes.

"Hey, Zack," he said, and reached out and hugged me. "No time no see, dude. Looking good."

"You too," I mumbled. "Is Alex here?"

Matt gave me a weird look. "Well, duh. I'm obviously just hanging around in his house because he's not here. He's upstairs. We were playing video games. I'll, uh, I'll give you guys a chance to talk. I'll get a glass of water or something."

He retreated into the kitched and left me to wander up the stairs by myself. I didn't know what he was doing here. Last I'd known, him and Alex had only met twice, both times through me. I hadn't realized that they'd developed that close of a friendship, and part of me was unsettled by that.

I knocked lightly on the door, and Alex looked up. His eyes changed colors as he looked at me, getting darker from emotion.

"Uh ... hey." I mentally kicked myself. Great start, asshole.

Alex just looked at me, so I continued. "I'm sorry, Lex. I'm really, really sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said last night ... but I was so scared. I walked out of my house because my parents made me choose between you and them and I choose you. And I guess I expected you to choose me over your parents, too. But I realize that it's not the same. My parents have never loved me the way they should, and I guess in return I don't love them. But you and your parents are close, and I should never, ever try to ruin that. I'm just jealous, I guess. I wish I knew that kind of love."

Alex sighed and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around me. "There's always someone who loves you, Zack. You just don't always see it right off. But I understand what you mean, and I'm not mad at you. I was just scared. You didn't answer your cell and -" his voice choked up and he buried his face in my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Alex. I went to Rian's. I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry I worried you. I swear I didn't mean to, I just needed time to calm down. Alex, I -"

I stopped abruptly. I had almost told him I loved him. But I couldn't. Not yet.

"You what?" Alex said, looking up at me, his eyelashes wet.

" I need you," I whispered. "I want you to be a part of my life, no matter what it takes."

"I feel the same way," Alex said, and kissed me softly.

We sat down on his bed then, hands and legs wrapped together.

"So what's Flyzik doing here?" I asked casually.

Alex looked up, eyes twinkling. "Jealous?" he teased, swatting at me playfully. "He texted me this morning asking if I was busy. I figured it'd help get my mind off things, and at the same time it'd help me get closer to your friends." He paused, the corner of his mouth crinkling. "And I hoped maybe he'd give me some helpful clues on how to understand you, or spill a secret or something."

I was amused then. "And did he?"

Alex looked disappointed. "Nope. The only thing he told me that came as a surprise was that you like to design clothes. I didn't know that. Can I see something you've drew one day?"

My designing skills were something I barely bragged about. But I had helped Matt design something for his band one day, so it was no surprise he'd mention it.

"We'll see." I smiled, an idea forming. "Maybe I'll design something specifically for you to wear to bed with me." I winked and had the satifacation of watching Alex go red.

"One day," he mumbled, embarrassed.

"I'd never rush you, Lex," I said, kissing his cheek.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I love about you." His face was still red, though, and I ran a finger down his cheek.

"And this is just one of the things I love about you," I murmured. "Now, do you think we should go tell Matt it's safe to come up before he gets bored drinking all of the water in your kitchen?"