The Day He Found the Gun

He was perfect. He IS perfect. I never thought I’d find a guy like him. I never thought I’d even find someone who cared. No one cared until he came along. But then again, he doesn’t know my full story. I couldn’t tell him. What if he leaves? I don’t want to lose him.
“He’ll find out soon enough. You’re worthless. A worthless little nothing.”
The voice’s words were like venom. Todd doesn’t know about the voices. I hear them all the time. Thankfully, I haven’t had an episode since last year. I’m surprised Todd hasn’t heard about it yet. That awful day in history class I was fine, doodling nooses and bloody knives on her paper, until a voice started whispering in my ear. I had heard voices before so I tried to ignore it and move on.
“Worthless. You should go kill yourself.”
But then another voice joined in.
“No one loves you. They all hate you. They want you dead.”
“They’re going to kill you. Better run fast.”
My scribbling became furious as I ripped right through the paper. There was a moment of silence before a fourth voice said
“Run.”
I ran out of the room as fast as I could. Voices were multiplying and amplifying by the second. I held my hands over my ears and screamed.
Then there was darkness.
When I woke up I was in the nurse’s office.
“Where am I?” I asked. My head was pounding.
“In the school nurse’s office sweetheart” the nurse said.
“What happened?” I asked.
Then it all came back to me. The voices, the screaming, the blackout.
“I don’t know, you tell me.” The nurse said.
I didn’t want to tell the nurse I was crazy.
“I…I’m not sure.”
“A teacher found you on the floor screaming. You don’t remember that?”
I looked down at her feet.
“Taylor sweetie I need you to be honest with me.”
I shook my head.
“I’m fine now.” I said.
The nurse gave me an unconvinced look but let me go.
“You come back here if anything happens ok?”
I nodded and ran off.
That was one of the worst episodes I’ve had. Todd couldn’t know about it. He must think I was crazy already.
If only he knew what he was getting into.
“Well FUCK YOU!” I shouted at my mom.
“DO NOT talk to me like that young lady!” she screamed.
I slammed my bedroom door and locked it. Then I took out my silver, shining blade. It was beautiful. It was an escape. I picked it up and looked at it for a bit. Then I looked at myself. I hated myself. I’m ugly, fat, worthless, useless, stupid and just nothing. Hatred and depression taking over me, I took the beautiful blade and made perfect lines across my wrist. I didn’t cut too deep, but it was deep enough to cause pain. I liked when the blood beaded up over my cuts. It was kind of pretty in a way.
I sighed and bandaged up my arm. Then my phone vibrated. It was Todd.
“Hey beautiful.” It said.
I cried when I saw that. I’m not beautiful. I’m horrendous. I really hated myself.
“Hey.” I responded. I didn’t want to burden him with my problems and self-loathing.
“Come outside.” He said.
I went outside my bedroom window onto the roof and threw him the sheet-rope. I forgot to cover up the bandage I just wrapped.
“Shit.” I whispered. I didn’t know what to do.
“Oh Taylor…” Todd said when he saw.
He hugged me as tight as possible and then took my arm and kissed the bandages. I started crying.
“Hey hey. It’s going to be ok.”
He took his finger and wiped away my tears. I shook my head.
“I’m here now. I’ll keep you safe. You’re safe now.” He whispered to me.
I just kept on crying.