A League of Villains

All of the soldiers were already in place, the archers and magicians were on the walls, and the swordsmen were on the ground behind the gates. Finally arrows started raining down upon our enemies, most of them hitting their mark. I’m sure everyone knew we were going to lose. Their army was more than twice the size of ours. They were upon the gate within ten minutes, and had pried them open in another five. Finally everyone was fighting, but their army was easily pushing us back. The arrows were still falling and the spells were still flying, but our attempts to gain the upper hand were futile. They pushed us back until their whole army was inside the gates, and our soldiers were being shoved back into the food court right outside the doors of our fortress. The soldiers on our side pushed forward as much as they could, and us villains pushed as far back as we could get.
“We need to get back inside and barricade the door.” I said, glancing around at everyone. They nodded and I darted inside with the others following. We ran through all the rooms trying to find anything that we could use to barricade the doors. I ran into the living room which hadn’t been checked yet to find heavy things, but I was greeted by Link and Nabooru who had somehow managed to escape from the dungeon. Rabia was fighting with them, but they were easily getting through her defenses and had come close to injuring her a couple of times. Ganondorf ran in past me and started pushing Link away from her while I grabbed heavy items to continue barricading the door.
We were still piling things up when the soldiers broke through and the doors burst open. I was knocked off my feet along with some of the other villains who had been unlucky enough to be too close to the doors. The heroes pushed their way through and they and their soldiers quickly surrounded us.
I stood up and dusted myself off then looked around for my sword. The soldiers had picked up many of the dropped weapons, leaving a large portion of us unprotected. Before we could start fighting again, there was a scream. The heroes jumped, momentarily distracted, and some of the villains used this to their advantage. I glanced into the living room because I was now weaponless.Somehow Ganondorf had gotten knocked out and Rabia was trying to lunge at Link, but she was being held back by Nabooru. Bu now most of the villains were injured, unconscious or were now defenseless. The few that still had weapons finally admitted defeat and set their weapons on the ground. Link walked into the room dragging Ganondorf behind him and Nabooru followed with a struggling Rabia.
“Alright guys, lets get them into the dungeon.” Link said. He dragged Ganondorf down the stairs and Nabooru followed with Rabia. The rest of us were seized by various soldiers and marched down into the dungeon. We were all tossed into various cells and left to ourselves. I could hear Rabia pacing back and forth in her cell.
“Well... this sucks.” I stated, taking off my helmet and tossing it across the tiny cell.
“Shut up Zant.” Rabia snapped.
“Don’t get all bitchy with me! I can’t do anything about it!” I said.
“Vaati, can’t you do anything?” She asked. There was a sound like a muffled voice from across the hallway.
“I think he’s gagged.” I said, sitting down on the floor.
“Really? I had NO idea.” she grumbled. I sighed.
“I’m bored.” I mumbled, leaning back onto the floor. I heard Rabia’s ringtone go off a few times and sat up. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting Kaikoura to let me out.” she shrugged. “I want to make sure Ganon is okay...” I sighed and flopped back down on the floor.
“Thanks for caring about me, Rabia.” I muttered, crossing my arms. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Rabia? Which one of these many rooms are you in?” Kaikoura called, entering the long hallway.
“I’m in this one!” Rabia called from somewhere to my right. We heard the door unlock and creep open. “Thanks Kaikoura.” we heard her say.
“Uhh, yeah! You’re welcome!” Kaikoura said. We heard a clink as she handed Rabia the keys and headed back upstairs. “I’ll be hanging with Link!” she called. There were a few more clicks, and Rabia got Shadow Link into Vaati’s cell. Finally I remembered that technically I am a ghost, and I floated through the door of my cell feeling rather stupid.
“Rabia, why the hell won’t you free everyone?!” I demanded as she unlocked Ganondorf’s cell.
“Zant, you’re stupid. Just... you’re just stupid.” she said, staring at me. She closed the cell door behind her, but I floated through it anyway and stared at her with my arms crossed. She was currently poking Ganondorf’s arm, trying to rouse him. “Ganondorf... wake upppp.” I just stared at her.
“Rabia, that’s not gonna work.” I said. She glared at me.
“Fine. I’ll think of something better.” she snapped. She started patting his cheeks obnoxiously. “Ganondorf wake uuuuuuup.” she whined. He opened his eyes and smiled. “AH SHIT!” Rabia yelled, jumping away from him. “What the hell?! Is he broken?” she crept back over to him cautiously. “Ganondorf? Are you alright?” she asked.
“Never been better! How are you?” he asked.
“Why wasn’t that in a sarcastic tone? Why is he grinning? WHAT THE FUCK DID LINK DO TO YOU?!” she yelled.
“What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine!” he said. “Oh hey Zant! How are you?!” He asked, pulling Zant into a friendly bro hug. Zant just stared at Ganondorf in shock.
“Ganny, are you sure you’re okay?” Rabia asked, staring at him in concern. “Do I need to get you to a doctor?” He shook his head.
“Why do you think something is wrong with me?”
“You’re just... happy. Like... you’re happy.” she said, backing away from him.
“I’m not happy, I’m just content.” he said.
“GANONDORF IS CONTENT?!” everyone yelled.
“Mrrrph mrr?!” Vaati attempted to say through his gag. Rabia looked astounded at this.
“But... but.... but you’re never content! You’re ALWAYS grumpy!” she poked his arm. “See usually you would have glared at me for that.”
“Well, I’m not going to glare at you right now.” he said with a shrug.
“Oh no. My husband has been possessed!” Rabia said. “Someone go find a doctor before something terrible happens to the universe!”
“I’ll go get Sheik!” I cried, floating upstairs to find the blonde man. He was sitting on a couch with Kaikoura, Link and Nabooru, the latter three seemed to be high on the mushrooms sitting on the table. “Sheik! Sheik come quick! There’s an EMERGENCY!” I cried.
“Hey... how’d you get out of dat cell, man?” Link asked, pointing at me and staring with half-lidded eyes. I just rolled my eyes at him.
“Where’s the emergency?” Sheik asked, standing up.
“In Ganondorf’s cell!” I cried.
“... Is this a trap?” Sheik asked, eyeing me suspciously.
“No! For once it isn’t! THE UNIVERSE COULD BE IN DANGERRRR!” I yelled dramatically. Nabooru, Kaikoura and Link all gasped.
“Not the universe!” they cried together.
“Sheik.... Sheik I want you to do this. Not just for me, but for US.” Kaikoura said.
“Ooooh kaaay... I will.” Sheik said. He followed me downstairs and into Ganondorf’s cell.
“Oh, Hi Sheik!” Ganondorf said to him in a friendly manner. Sheik jumped back and cried out in shock.
“What did you DO to him?” he asked.
“You can blame ALLLLL of this on that gay elf boy, Link.” Rabia huffed, crossing her arms. “I don’t like him like this at all, so you better FIX him.”
“I’ll get right on it.” Sheik said. Sheik just stared at the gerudo man grinning before him, then started examining the bump on his head. Shadow Link walked into the cell to see this spectacular sight for himself. “I’m not really sure how to fix him.” Sheik said, looking at Rabia somberly.
“I think I know how to fix it.” Shadow Link said with a grin. He pulled a frying pan out of nowhere and smacked Ganondorf on the back of the head with it.
“Shadow!” Sheik cried, shoving him away from Ganondorf. “That’s not going to help at all!”
“Just wait for it.” Shadow Link said. “It’ll work in a minute. I swear.” Rabia helped Ganondorf to his feet after he regained consciousness.
“Are you okay Ganon?” she asked. He was still smiling.
“I’m great. Oh, hey Shadow!” he said, grinning at the small boy widely.
“Dammit, go back to normal!” Shadow Link said, hitting Ganondorf with the frying pan again.
“Shadow I swear if you give him brain damage, I’m going to eat your eyeballs in a soup.” Rabia said.
“Why is it always soup? Why not eat them in a sandwich?” Shadow Link asked.
“They’d roll out of the sandwich and defeat the purpose entirely.” Rabia replied, crouching down next to Ganondorf. “Ganon... Ganon wake up. And please be grumpy when you do...” she said, nudging his shoulders a couple of times. Ganondorf stood up, wincing as his head throbbed in protest.
“Why does my head ache so much? And why the HELL are you all in my cell right now?” he grumbled. Rabia hugged him tightly.
“Finally! You’re back to your normal grumpy self.” she said. He stared at her.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, pushing her off him.
“Nevermind, Ganondorf, don’t worry about it.” she smiled. “Thank you Sheik and Shadow. Now go away. All of you.” she said. Sheik walked back upstairs and Shadow walked into Vaati’s cell to ungag him.
“Why are you still here?” Ganondorf asked us grumpily, holding his head and sitting on the floor. Rabia sat down next to him and yawned.
“I just wanted to make sure you didn’t have a concussion.” Rabia said, pulling her knees up to her chest.
“I’m just here because I’m bored.” I said, sitting on the floor with my legs crossed.
“Well stop talking. I have a headache.” Ganon grumbled. Rabia pulled him into a hug and kissed his head.
“...Does it feel better now?” she asked. He just rolled his eyes and she giggled.
“So how are you guys?” I asked, blinking at the two of them. Ganondorf glared at me.
“I said shut up.” he grumbled, laying down on his side.
“Zant, why don’t you go see what Shadow and Vaati are doing?” Rabia said. I was about to protest when she gave me a look that clearly told me to go away. I sighed.
“Okay...” I floated through the door with my head down, then made my way into Shadow and Vaati’s cell. Shadow was trying to untie his own hands while Vaati watched in amusement. Finally he was able to free himself, then untied Vaati’s hands and slowly, ever so slowly, ungagged his master.
“Thank the goddesses, I was getting tired of not talking.” Vaati said, stretching and yawning.
“What’s up guys?” I asked, floating near the ceiling of their cell.
“Oh, you know... being locked in a cell with nothing to do.” Shadow said with a shrug.
“I know. I’m sooo boooored.” I said, floating around in circles. Suddenly we all heard a wail coming from Ghirahim’s cell. Shadow grabbed Vaati and I floated through the door to Ghirahim’s cell. Vaati and Shadow Link were already there, staring with wide eyes. I looked at the scene in front of us, and my jaw fell open in shock. Ghirahim was chained to a chair and Link was dancing in front of him seductively while Kaikoura and Nabooru cheered him on.
“Oh yeah, dance you sexy beast!” Kaikoura cheered. Sheik was standing in the corner with his traditional Sheik face on, staring at his friends in disbelief. Link had removed his hat and belts, and he was pelvic thrusting in front of Ghirahim’s face. Ghirahim struggled against his bonds, trying to reach out and touch Link.
“You wish you could touch this hot bod.” Link winked, moving just out of Ghirahim’s reach. He pulled off his shirts and continued dancing for a moment in front of Ghirahim, then seemed to grow bored with the activity. “Lets go bother someone else!” Link cried, picking up his clothes and running out of the cell. Kaikoura, Nabooru and Sheik followed, the latter shaking his head at his crazy friends.
“...could one of you untie me?” Ghirahim asked. I blinked and floated through the open door of the cell. Shadow Link and Vaati took the hint and followed me out. “Please?! At least one of my arms?!” he cried. We closed the door behind us, and I shook my head.
“That was awkward.” I said. Shadow Link started laughing. We were about to sneak upstairs when we walked into Link.
“Heyyy... aren’t you guys supposed to be in those cells?” he asked, grinning cheekily. Shadow Link gasped.
“No, of course not! You let us out, remember? We were just here visiting. Silly little hylian boy.” Shadow Link pat Link on the head gently. “We want to go see you get revenge on Rabia and Ganondorf, alright?”
“...good idea!” Link said. He picked up a wiffle ball bat and unlocked Ganondorf’s cell. Rabia and Ganondorf were cuddled up with each other near the back of the cell. “Aww...” Link cooed. He hit them both in the head with the wiffle ball bat.
“Link, I swear to god if you do that again I’ll kill you.” Rabia said, turning away from Ganondorf to glare at him. Ganondorf rolled his eyes at Link’s antics and just tried to ignore him. Link giggled and hit them both again. “You stupid elf!” Rabia yelled. She stood up and went to grab the bat, but he hit her arms away.
“Hehehe! You can’t stop me!” Link said, hitting her with the bat again. She went to grab it again but he just continued to hit her.
“Stop it Link!” she whined, running away from him and hiding behind Ganondorf. He just giggled and started hitting both of them with the bat. Ganondorf grabbed the bat and pulled it, knocking Link off his feet. He smacked Link with it a few times, bruising his face, then tossed Link and the bat out the door. Link groaned as Kaikoura and Nabooru helped him to his feet.
“You’re a MONSTER, Ganondorf.” Nabooru said, holding onto Link’s arm tightly. Rabia glared at her. Ganondorf just rolled his eyes at her and continued to ignore them.
“You’re a bitch, and you should learn when to shut the fuck up or I’ll cut out your tongue.” Rabia snapped.
“Heyy, watch it man! Not cool!” Kaikoura said.
“LAAAAAME, SHE CHILL, BACK UP.” Link said.
“JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY BEFORE I KILL YOU!” Rabia yelled. They closed the door, locking Shadow and Vaati in the cell with them. Rabia cuddled up with Ganondorf again while Vaati started muttering an incantation.
“My Lord, what are you doing?” Shadow Link asked asked after he finished.
“I made them all forget the location of this fortress. If they leave, they’ll never find their way back.” Vaati said. “Now Shadow Link, take us all home, please.” Everyone was engulfed in shadows, and then we found ourselves in Vaati’s home. All the other villains looked confused for a minute, then shrugged it off.
“Vaati! You’re home!” a heavily pregnant hylian girl with long red hair ran over and pulled Vaati into a hug.
“Malon! You look lovely today.” Vaati said with a grin. Finally Malon let go of Vaati and looked around at everyone in her home. She spotted Ganondorf and glared.
“Why is HE here?” she asked, pulling away from Vaati and crossing her arms.
“Well we all kind of ran into some trouble back at the fortress and stuff, so I just brought everyone here.” he said, shrugging.
“I don’t like him. Make him leave.” she snapped.
“But I can’t just make h-”
“No, No! Make him LEAVE!”
“Fine, you’re fat. I didn’t want to talk to you anyways.” Ganondorf said, crossing his arms as well. Vaati punched him in the arm, then jumped back with a yelp.
“Ow! Why is your forearm so hard?!” Rabia started giggling.
“Why are you such a woman?” Ganondorf asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No Ganny, he’s not a woman! Remember, we had that whole conversation about his purple penis?” Rabia said, confused.
“Oh yes, why don’t you show us that you’re not a woman?” Ghirahim said, licking his lips. Vaati blinked and hid behind Shadow.
“No! No I think we can take my word on this.” he said.
“I don’t know Master, maybe you should show us.” Shadow Link said with a grin.
“Vaati, I need to talk to you in the other room,” Malon said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away angrily.
“Damn. I wanted to know if it was purple.” Rabia said.
“Why don’t you just ask Shadow? I’m sure he knows.” Ganondorf said.
“Good idea!” Rabia cried. “Shadow, is it purple?”
“My hair? Yes. Yes it is.” he replied, grinning weirdly. Rabia glared at him.
“Not your hair. I don’t give a fuck about your hair. Well actually it is pretty nice. No, is Vaati’s penis purple?”
“Is my Master’s hair purple? Yes!” Shadow said. Rabia face palmed.
“You irritate me.” she said. “Ganon, I want Chinese food. Right now.”
“Then have Shadow order some.” Ganondorf said.
“But... I want you to order it.” she said, crossing her arms and pouting at him.
“Does it really matter who orders it?” he asked.
“Yes! It does!” she said, glaring at him.
“Fine, I’ll order your food. Just calm down.” he said. “Shadow Link, where is your phone?”
“Sorry, Master has given me strict orders not to let you touch anything.” Shadow Link said. Rabia crossed her arms.
“Well... I want Chinese food, Shadow.” she snapped, crossing her arms.
“There are waaaay too many pregnant chicks in my life right now.” he said, dialing a phone number. He put the phone on speaker and held it towards Ganondorf. “Don’t touch it, just talk into it.” he said. Sephiroth started to dance randomly by himself in the corner. Ganondorf started talking into the phone in perfect Mandarin. Everyone just stared at him. When Shadow hung up the phone, Ganon noticed he was getting weird looks.
“What?” he asked, glaring at everyone.
“... you are a fucking overachiever, you know that?” I said, crossing my arms. “Where did you even LEARN Mandarin?”
“School, duh.” Ganondorf replied. “Where else would I learn it?” There was an awkward silence.
“What school did YOU go to?” Sephiroth asked. Ganondorf ignored him and answered the door when the delivery person came.
“Whoooa, hey guys!” Dark Link said after Ganon opened the door.
“Wait, wait... why are there so many sexy Links in here?” Rabia asked. Ganondorf took the food and paid Dark Link, then shoved him away. He slammed the door and Shadow Link screamed.
“OH NO! You touched Master’s door!” Shadow Link cried. He ran over to the door and started licking the doorknob ‘clean’. Ganondorf rolled his eyes and sat down at the table with Rabia. “NOT THE TAAAAAAAAABLLLLLE!” he screamed. Shadow Link made a shadow chair and pushed Ganondorf into that instead. Ganondorf glared at Shadow Link, and gave Rabia her food. She blinked and looked at Ganon.
“Um... I’m a vegetarian.” she reminded him, pushing the chicken back over to him. He shrugged and started eating it.
“I think the fried rice is vegetable.” he said, handing her an extremely tiny bowl of rice. She blinked and sighed.
“Ganondorf... I’m sorry, but... you’re not a good husband. You’re just not.” she said, patting him on the head. He ignored her and handed her a fork. She sighed and ate the rice anyway. “It’s a good thing I like you. Sometimes.” she said. Vaati walked back in with Malon, and Malon stole a piece of the chicken from Ganondorf. She handed it to Vaati, who ate it hungrily.
“Why didn’t you guys order me anything?” she asked.
“I’m lucky I got anything.” Rabia answered. “Vaati, you should order us more food, since Ganondorf is incompetent.”
“Oh, but VAATI isn’t?” he growled.
“Well, he’ll at least know that Malon and I are vegetarians. Because HE LISTENS TO PEOPLE.” Rabia snapped.
“Touche.” Ganondorf said. Rabia sighed.
“I just give up Ganon. I jsut give up on you. You’re too... Ganondorfy.” Vaati picked up the phone and called the Chinese food place back.
“Hi, I’d like to order some food?” Vaati said shyly. “Wait... wait, slow down. It’s like you’re speaking some other language!” he said. Ganondorf rolled his eyes and took the phone from Vaati.
“What do you guys want?” he asked.
“I want a normal amount of fried rice.” Rabia said. “And that’s it.”
“Vaati, I want YOU to order for me.” Malon said. Ganondorf rolled his eyes and ordered for Rabia, then looked at Malon.
“Do you want anything or not?” Ganon asked. Malon ignored him. Ganondorf sighed and gave the phone to Vaati. “Good luck.”
“Uh... um.... tofu tempura.” Vaati said awkwardly. We could all hear the person on the other line talking in what sounded like gibberish. “What are you saying?!” Vaati wailed. Ganondorf took the phone from Vaati and ordered for Malon, then hung up.
“They’ll be here in five minutes.” he said, eating the rest of his chicken.
“Fuck you, asshole.” Malon said, stomping off. Vaati burst into laughter, and then took a few deep breaths.
“I’m sorry.” he said, still giggling slightly. “It was just funny because Malon is super sweet to everybody except for...” he trailed off. “Nevermind... and STOP TOUCHING MY PHONE!” Vaati yelled, pointing at Ganon. Ganondorf looked down at the tiny man who was glaring at him angrily.
“He’s not germy Vaati! He’s just gross! He doesn’t like to wash his hands.” Rabia stated.
“Yes I do! What are you talking about?!” Ganondorf said.
“Nothing Ganon. I was teasing.” she smiled and kissed his cheek. “I wuv you.” Ganondorf grumbled and Vaati wiped his phone down with a disinfecting wipe. The doorbell rang, and Vaati ran off to go answer it. He returned a few minutes later with the food Rabia and Malon had requested. He set it down on the table and scurried off to find his wife.
“Thank you Ganon.” Rabia said sweetly, munching on the rice happily. I went to sit down in one of the chairs, but just floated through it and onto the floor. He ignored her and leaned back in his chair. Malon stomped back in and sat down next to Rabia just as angrily, then started eating her own food. Vaati stole a bite of Malon’s food and we all fell into a somewhat awkward silence.
“So Vaati... how do we leave your house, exactly?” I asked.
“Well... the easiest way would be to have Shadow Link bring you all home.” Vaati nodded.
“Wait... how high up are we?” Rabia asked, throwing out the rice box and washing her hands.
“You could look out the window.” Shadow Link suggested. Rabia went to walk over the window but Ganondorf pulled her back.
“You won’t want to look.” he said. “We are very high up.” she shrugged.
“Okay then, Ganon.” she gave him a tiny hug. Malon looked at them disgusted.
“How could you ever love someone so demented and cruel?!” she asked. Rabia just blinked.
“Um... well he’s nice to me... and he’s funny and I don’t think he’s all that demented.” Rabia said, sitting on Ganondorf’s lap and kissing his cheek. Malon shuddered.
“Ewww....”
“So Shadow Link... could you bring me home? I’m bored.” I said. He shrugged.
“Sure.” He grabbed my arm and we disappeared into the shadows. We reappeared back at my underworldy home.
“Thank you Shadow Link.” I said. He nodded and disappeared back into the shadows. I collapsed into my big comfy chair and sighed, then closed my eyes. Today had been a strange day.