A League of Villains

It had been two weeks since the heroes had stormed our fortress. Fortunately, due to Vaati’s spell, as soon as they had left they had forgotten the location of the invisible fortress and by now they were long gone. I looked around the conference room as my friends and fellow villains slowly trickled in. Ghirahim had caught my gaze and smirked. He made his way over to me and I groaned to myself. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Hello Zant,” he said, flicking his bangs to one side.

“Hi Ghirahim,” I muttered as I kept my attention on the door. The last few people to come in were an unusually pale and tired looking Ganondorf and a concerned looking Rabia. They were followed moments later by Koume and Kotake. Ganondorf was about to take his seat next to Sauron when Rabia decided to move him away from the heat and give him her seat instead. Koume pulled a chair up next to Zuko’s vacated seat which was now occupied by Kotake. Ghirahim joined his master and as soon as the chatter died down I started the meeting.

“Greetings, my friends.” I began, gaining their attention. “I am glad to see that you are all here and that we have some new guests.” I glanced over at Koume and Kotake before continuing. “Today I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we have our fortress back. Unfortunately we no longer rule the world as our efforts were thwarted by the heroes once more.” I paused again as Vaati, Jafar and Darth Maul all let out disappointed groans. “So... where shall we go from here?” I asked, folding my hands together in front of me.

“I think we should lay low for a while until everyone forgets about this.” Demise stated. The others nodded in agreement, except for Ganondorf who had fallen asleep.

“OR!” Sephiroth interrupted. “Now stay with me here... Rabia could pole dance for us. Right now.” he said.

“Sephy, how is pole dancing going to help us take over the world?” Rabia asked.

“It won’t. But it’d be DAMN hot.” Rabia rolled her eyes and ignored him, glancing over at Ganondorf again.

“I agree.” I said. About half of the villains at the table turned to stare at her expectantly. She blinked.

“Um... I would but... Aria is making me fat...” she said. Shadow Link blinked.

“Yeah, okay not at all.”

“But... but... but... I don’t want toooooooo!” she whined. We continued to stare at her, hoping she would give in to the peer pressure. “Ugh, fine. Just stop staring at me. It’s creepy...” She got up and walked over to the pole but before she could start the doorbell rang. Sephiroth groaned and sat back in his seat. I got up to go answer the door and was greeted by a tall, slender blond girl. She was very pretty, but was chewing her gum rather obnoxiously.

“Can I help you?” I asked, somewhat confused.

“Um, yeah. Is, like, Murtagh here?” she asked.

“Yeah...” I stepped aside so she could enter the fortress, and then she followed me into the conference room to see Murtagh.

“Taggy!” she squealed, flinging herself into Murtagh’s arms and kissing his cheeks. Everyone in the room had looked over in shock.

“Hi Elizabeth! I didn’t know you were coming today!” Murtagh said with a smile.

“Yeah, I was, like, in there area so I thought, like, that I should TOTALLY come see you!” she said, sitting down on his lap. Rabia was staring at her in disbelief and irritation.

“Rabia, you may continue.” I said. She was about to start pole dancing for us but stumbled and stopped when a high pitched giggle distracted her. Elizabeth was whispering into Murtagh’s ear and giggling every couple of seconds. Rabia blinked, but finally started to dance for us. Sephiroth began wolf whistling and the rest of us were watching intently. Clearly Zelda had done a wonderful job teaching her. She had only been dancing for a few minutes when she was interrupted again by Elizabeth.

“Oh, no. You’re doing it all wrong!” she said, removing herself from Murtagh’s arms and walking over to the pole. She pushed Rabia out of the way and started to pole dance herself. I tried to suppress my laughter as she attempted to dance for us, but just ended up looking like a weird sort of waddling duck. Rabia’s eyes had narrowed and she was glaring at Elizabeth’s back. Murtagh was the only one cheering her on, but it seemed to be enough to keep her motivated. Some of the villains had slowly started to trickle out of the room, their boners already killed by Elizabeth’s poor dancing. I left after a few minutes to go to the pool room with Vaati, Shadow Link, Ursula and Ghirahim.

I was surprised to see Ganondorf was also following upstairs to the pool room. The large grin on his face was rather unsettling, but the rest of us just shrugged it off and got into the pool. I got into my floatie and Ursula jumped from the diving board. Ghirahim slid into the pool gracefull and grinned at me. He was about to say something when there was a yell and a loud thump. I looked past Ghirahim’s shoulder to see Vaati lying on the tiles unconscious. Ganondorf was laughing his loud, booming laugh and Shadow Link was leaning over Vaati in worry.

“Master? Master are you okay?” Shadow asked. Suddenly the door slammed open and Rabia stormed in. She stepped over Vaati and sat down next to Ganondorf angrily. Vaati slowly sat up and rubbed his head, wincing when he came in contact with the bruise.

“Ow... what happened?” he asked, appearing dazed. Shadow helped him back to his feet.

“Master, you slipped. I think you might have a concussion.” Ganondorf started laughing again and Vaati glared at him.

“Shut up Ganondorf!” he snapped. Ganon ignored him and continued to laugh. Vaati glared once more and left the room with Shadow Link close behind him. I shook my head and slid my sunglasses on over my eyes. Ganondorf’s laughter had finally died down and Ghirahim was just about to say something to me when I looked over at Rabia.

“You look angry.” I stated. She crossed her arms.

“That bitch slapped me!” she snapped.

“Why?”

“She wouldn’t stop talking so I told her she was an annoying cow and that she should shut the fuck up.” Rabia said.

“Of course you did.” Ganon shook his head.

“Well after she slapped me I punched her in the face and broke her nose... then when she was crying I kicked her and possibly broke one of her ribs.” she said with a grin. “but I dont’ think Murtagh is too pleased with me right now...”

“Wow, that’s it?” I thought you would’ve done something worse.” I said as Ghirahim tried to climb onto my floatie.

“I was going to kill her but Sephiroth wouldn’t let me. He thinks she’s pretty.” she scowled, crossing her arms. Ganondorf started coughing and her face softened slightly. Ghirahim finally managed to clamber on to the floatie and grinned at me.

“Hey beautiful.” he winked. I just shook my head and sighed.

“Do you need something, Ghirahim?” I asked exasperatedly. He winked again and smirked.

“I think you know what I want.” I sighed and shook my head, but jumped and nearly flipped the floatie over when Ganondorf started coughing violently. Rabia sighed.

“I told you to stay home today...” I heard her say softly, giving him a tiny hug. Unfortunately I couldn’t tease them because my view was suddenly obstructed by Ghirahim who had climbed on top of me and pinned me down.

“Ah! Ghirahim get off!” I cried, trying to push him away. He pouted.

“You’re no fun...” he jumped off the floatie and climbed out of the pool. Rabia was leading Ganondorf out of the room. I followed them downstairs into the living room, where everyone else was gathered looking at pictures that Koume and Kotake were passing around. Ganondorf’s eyes widened slightly when Sephiroth passed a particularly embarrassing baby picture of him in a bathtub.

“Awwwww! You were so CUTE!” Rabia said with a giggle. I was trying to suppress my laughter and Ganon glared at me.

“Shut up Zant.” he growled. Vaati had a large grin on his face and held up a photograph.

“Hey Gaaaaanon! Look what I found!” he said. Ganondorf snatched the photo from him with a glare. I looked over his shoulder at it. Eight year old Ganondorf was holding hands with young Nabooru and smiling at her happily.

“Aww! Wittle Ganon had a girlfriend!” I cooed. He grumbled to himself and crossed his arms. Rabia giggled again and he glared at her. He was about to say something (that probably would’ve been quite rude to be honest) when the doorbell rang loudly.

“I’ll get it!” Sephiroth yelled, running to answer the door. Koume and Kotake gathered up their photos and Rabia shoved some people off the couch so Ganondorf could lay down. Sephiroth returned, carrying four cages. Two of them contained some happily yipping puppies, and the other was holding dragon hatchlings.

“Yeah... so apparently the dragons and dogs have finally arrived.” he said, jumping out of the way as a dragon sneezed a jet of fire in his direction.

“Awww!” Rabia cooed. “Can we let them out?”

“You can let out the puppies I guess.” Sephiroth said, dodging another jet of flames. “But the dragons should stay in their cages until we learn how to care for them.”

“I swear we have a book on that somewhere...” I said, trying to remember where I had seen the book ‘Dragon Breeding and Training’. Rabia smiled happily and unlocked the puppy cages. They started barking happily and jumping up to lick her face.

“Aha! I know where I saw it!” I yelled triumphantly. I ran out of the room and up a flight of stairs to Vaati and Shadow Link’s bedroom. I remembered that Vaati had asked me to borrow it for something to read one day when he had been bored. I grabbed it off his bedside table and ran back into the living room. Many of the other villains had already started to head home, so there were very few of us left in the room. Everyone had fallen into an awkward silence only broken by the barking puppies and Rabia’s giggles. Another one of the dragon’s let out a fiery breath that narrowly missed Sauron.

“That was close.” he said.

“Why does it matter?” Rabia asked, scratching behind a puppy’s ear. “You’re already flaming...” Shadow Link started to laugh and Sauron’s eye narrowed.

“Do you think that’s FUNNY, Rabia?” He hissed.

“What did I do?” she asked confused.

“I am NOT gay.” he snapped angrily. “Now I suggest you hold your tongue before you get yourself into trouble...”

I tossed the large book to Sephiroth who caught it and staggered slightly under the weight. I sat down on the end of the couch and Ghirahim felt free to sit himself on my lap. Sephiroth was already flipping through the book anxiously, trying to find some tips.

“So Rabia...” Koume said, staring at the gerudo girl who was gathering up the puppies and putting them back into their large crate. Rabia glanced up at Ganondorf’s mothers.

“Yes?” she asked, locking the crate and placing a warm blanket over her shivering husband.

“How long have you been pregnant?” Kotake finished. The two of them looked at her questioningly.

“Um.. about 10 weeks.” she shrugged, sitting down next to Ganondorf. I started to zone out, bored with the conversation when Ghirahim used the distraction to his advantage. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, then ran out of the room.

“Help!” I yelled, struggling to free myself from his grip. He dropped me at the top of the stairs but before I could escape he had grabbed my ankles and dragged me into the room. I held onto the door frame as long as I could, but he managed to tug me inside and lock the door behind us.