A League of Villains

I leaned back in my large, golden chair and sighed. Ganondorf’s eye was twitching and Sauron blinked angrily. Everyone was silent except Rabia and Shadow who were still weeabooing with each other rapidly. Everyone stared at the pig that was once more on the table for our lunch.

“..... I’m just disappointed.” Ganondorf said after a moment. Jafar grinned and rubbed his hands together.

“Iago, you like pork don’t you?” he asked. Iago shook his head.

“I prefer nuts myself.” he squawked. Rabia looked up at me.

“Zant, we are best friends right?” she asked.

“Of course! Why do you ask?”

“Because I thought you should probably know that I am a VEGETARIAN. I find it very offensive that you would eat a poor, defenseless little pig.”

“I SECOND THAT!” Ganondorf said, slamming his fist down on the table angrily.

“Shut up Ganondorf. You only agree because it’s a pig!” Rabia snapped. Ganondorf gave her a dirty look, which Rabia, being a teenager returned. Shadow Link started giggling.

“Well anyways... what’s on the agenda today?” Darth Vader asked, folding his hands together.

“Yes, please, what is on the agenda?” I asked.

“Being sexy.” Rabia replied.

“Well, I think I’ve already accomplished that.” Shadow Link said winking. Rabia giggled and I just rolled my eyes.

“Ahehehem. AHEM. AHEEEEEEHM. Ahh...em.” Everyone turned towards Sephiroth. “Ah... sorry. I choked on a piece of lettuce there.” he said, obviously just trying to break up their conversation. Shadow Link glared at Sephiroth.

“No. MINE.” he said. The two “men” started bickering back and forth about their need for Rabia rights, and the rest of the villains decided that they should just ignore them and get on with the meeting.

“Well...” I began. “We should devise an evil scheme to take over THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD! NYEHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!”

“And how would you propose that we would do this?” Darth Vader asked, looking at me quizzically through his helmet.

“Um... yeah, that’s why we’re here today.” I replied.

“Wwell, wwe could get a doomsday devvice and destroy ALL THE LAND DWWELLERS!” Rabia said.

“Why the hell are you talking like that?!” Ganondorf asked.

“Heh sorry I was reading Homestuck.” She said.

“I don’t know what the fuck that is.”

“Well duh, that’s because IT’S TOO OBSCURE FOR YOU.”

“Riiiiight...”

“Shut up. But seriously, a huge, scary ass motherfucking weapon.” Rabia suggested.

“And WHO would make such a weapon?” Voldemort asked.

“Dr. Robotnik! DUUUUUUH.” she said. "Trust me, I know."

“I would be HONORED to make such a dev-” Robotnik began.

“oh my motherFUCKING WORD! DAMN YOU SPIKEY PERSNICKET!” Vaati cried in anger. Everyone at the table turned to look at him. It took him a moment to realize that they were all staring at him. “Oh. Uh... uh I mean... yeaaah, I agree yay...” he blushed and ducked his head a little. Rabia was giggling and Shadow Link looked embarrassed and held his head in his hands.

“Anyways... I would be HONORED to make such a device.” Robotnik continued. “But... who would make the plans for such a weapon? I’m just... yah know.. too lazy.”

“I will.” Iago squawked from Jafar’s side.

“But... you’re a bird.”

“Well YOU’RE A FAT MAN WITH A BAD MUSTACHE!”

“Why you little...!” Rabia ran over to attempt to hold him back. The Joker just cackled beside them, offering no help whatsoever. Unfortunately, due to Rabia’s lack of muscle, she ended up letting go and Robotnik jumped across the table at the parrot. They started fighting on the floor.

“This is ridiculous.” Voldemort said, standing up and readying his wand.

“Wait, my friend!” I cried. “We need Robotnik to make the device!” Voldemort growled a little and sat back down. After a few minutes watching them fight, Rabia finally decided to go split them up, because honestly no one else was going to. She grabbed Iago and shoved him in his cage, then pushed Robotnik towards his seat.

“Anyways...” I continued, “now that that’s settled... how do we plan on using this device to kill everyone? Or make them... bow to us? I guess?” Everyone sat and thought about my words.

“I could SCARE them into obedience with my TONGUE!” Ghirahim suggested.

“As much as that would probably work, I think we could come up with a better way.”

“Why don’t we steal their young and turn whoever opposes us into stone?” Vaati suggested through the mouthful of the pork leg he was digging into.

“Oh Vaati, you silly little person. They would expect that from you.” Rabia said. He stared at her offended with a little piece of pork hanging from his mouth. Shadow Link picked up a napkin and wiped it off his face.

“Thank you Shadow. And I CHOOSE to ignore that comment!” Vaati said. Shadow Link yelped suddenly and jumped in pain.

“OW! Sephiroth! WHY DID YOU KICK ME?!” Sephiroth shrugged.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. That wasn’t me. It was... uh... Majora.” Shadow just blinked.

“She... doesn’t have legs...”

“NOT IN THIS FORM! HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!”

“GUYS JUST STFU.” Rabia yelled. The table fell silent and they all stared at the zora girl. “Carry on with the ideas, guys.” she said.

“WHY DON’T WE KIDNAP THE PRINCESS.” Ganondorf suggested.

“Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” Rabia snapped. “Ganondorf, do you know how stupid you actually are? Like, seriously? Do you know how retarded and over used that idea is? I mean, COME ON, THEY USE IT IN MARIO!”

“Well why don’t YOU come up with ideas, little miss PRINCESS!!” Ganondorf yelled.

“EXCUUUUUSE MEEE?! YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, calm down. We need to work on this plan.” I said, patting Rabia on the head. Rabia gave me a dirty look and Ganondorf was just angry as usual. “If we get all the world leaders in one room together, we can hold them hostage with this doomsday device. Now, are there any such meetings between the world leaders?”

“Yes Zant... there are...” Rabia said.

“WELL EXCUSE ME! I don’t know anything about your crazy... human world thing!” I said.

“WAIT A MINUTE! NOBODY MOVE! NOBODY MOOOOVE! Where the hell did my contact go?! I can’t see a thing!” Sauron yelled. Ganondorf, who was now suddenly soaked, looked angrily at Sauron.

“Yeah, I THINK you dropped it on my LAP!” he yelled.

“Oh. Well, would you mind putting that back in there? I can’t see a fuckin thing! And I don’t really have hands...” Ganondorf, disgusted, picked up the giant contact and stuck it back in Sauron’s flaming eye. “Wow, thanks man. You’re a good friend.”

“We’re not friends.”

“Back to that subject... we’re going to break into the next meeting of the world leaders and hold them hostage with our DOOMSDAAAAY DEVIIIIICE!” I yelled dramatically. Vaati spoke once more, this time with a mouthful of creamed corn.

“Ya know, we could stiiiiiiill turn them into stone.” On the st in stone, he spit the corn across the table and directly onto Zuko’s face. “Sorry...” he apologized. The fire nation prince glared at Vaati and wiped the horrid concoction off his face. Shadow Link grabbed a few more napkins.

“Master, you have food all over your face...” he muttered, wiping away.

“Thank you Shadow Link.” Vaati said.

“Vaati! TURNING THEM INTO STONE IS A STUPID IDEA!” Rabia said.

“I am once again choosing to ignore that comment.” Vaati said, crossing his arms. His iPod touch fell out of his pocket and onto the floor. “NOOOOOOOO!” he cried, throwing himself onto the floor and scooping it up into his arms. “My baby. My poooor poor baby! MY PRECIOUS! MY LOOOOVE!” he cried.

“What kind of doomsday device will this be?” Rabia asked. “A gun? A sword? A bomb? Lets not do anything nuclear of course...” she said.

“What the hell is a gun?” Everyone asked at the same time.

“I forgot you guys were retarded.” Rabia stated. “Well, they are very dangerous weapons that kill be faster than a sword, and they’re not as messy or ineffective as arrows.”

“That would be convenient.” Ganondorf said.

“Haha sucks for you that I’m not giving you a damn gun.” Rabia stated, leaning back in her chair. Shadow Link laughed. Suddenly a moblin ran in.

“Sir Ganon! Sir Ganon a message!” The moblin cried.

Without even missing a beat, Rabia grabbed Shadow Link’s sword. Of course she “accidentally” groped him, but before Shadow could even react, the moblin was twitching on the ground. There was a silence. She wiped the moblin blood off in her cup, then handed the sword back to Shadow Link. Everyone just stared as she sipped her drink like nothing had happened.

“Oh, yeah, Ganondorf I believe this is for you.” Rabia said, throwing a tightly rolled scroll at his head. It bounced off and landed in the soup. “You might wanna fish that out.” she said. Ganondorf glared and took the giant slotted spoon in the soup pot and scooped the scroll out. The moblin twitched a little more.

“You are sick.” Ganondorf said. Rabia grinned. She took a fork, stabbed the moblin in the stomach, pulled out its intestines and set them on a plate.

“Would you like some Shadow Link?” she asked. Everyone turned away in disgust as Rabia and Shadow Link started munching on the organ. Vaati started gagging and ran out of the room.

“I thought you were a vegetarian!” I said, looking at Rabia disturbed. She wiped the blood off her face and grinned.

“I can make exceptions.”

“Okay... So... I think our doomsday device should be a dangerous, large, bomb.” I said.

“I agree.” Darth Vader replied. “Especially since we can’t have a gun.”

“I have bombs. Big bombs.” Shadow Link said. “I’m sure Dr. Robotnik could just tamper with them a little and make them more... dangerous.” He said. Everyone at the table nodded.

“So it’s agreed.” Rabia said. “We will take the fixed up bomb to the next meeting of the world leaders and hold them hostage. They either bow to us or die.” Everyone nodded once more. “Good. Oh! Ganondorf, what did your message say?”

“None of your damn business.” he replied.

“You wanna end up like your moblin?!” she asked.

He sighed and said, “It’s an invitation to find my next wife.”

“Ooooh, fun stuff. Fuuun stuff.” Rabia said. She leaned over and licked some moblin juice off of Shadow’s chin. Sephiroth slammed his fist down on the table.

“DAMN IT! I want some Rabia rights!” He kicked Shadow under the table. Shadow growled at him.

Rabia rolled her eyes at them and everyone started to dig into their food. Everyone except for Vaati who had run out disgusted and Ganondorf who was at all costs trying to avoid the pig.