A League of Villains

I was sitting in my large golden throne at the head of the table. All the villains were there except Rabia and Ganondorf, which was rather normal for them. Lets be honest. It was Rabia’s birthday and we had prepared a party. The others seemed less amused than I, but who cares? Not me! It was awkwardly silent as the clock ticked away.
“So... how about that meteor...” I said.
“What meteor?” Vaati asked.
“That one that... landed in the ocean?” I tried.
“What ocean?” Vaati asked.
“The ocean that’s... on the coast... of the continent?” I tried again.
“Which continent? There are FOUR!” Vaati cried.
“OURS, YOU NIMWIT!” I yelled.
“Ouch, nimwit, that’s new...” Vaati said. Shadow gasped.
“You can’t call my master a nimwit!” he screamed. Everyone just ignored them. Shadow grumbled and pulled out his phone.
“What are you doing?” Demise asked.
“Calling Sheik! He’s friends with Rabia!” Shadow said.
“Why are you calling Sheik?! We’re about to start a meeting!” Demise said. Just then, the doorbell rang and Shadow ran out to get it. It was Sheik, Kaikoura, Zelda and Link.
“Hey guys, what’s up?” Shadow said.
“Where’s my birthday giiiiiiiirl?” Zelda sang, walking in with tons of bags. Half the villains at the table face-palmed.
“She’s not here yet, Zelda,” I said. “Ganondorf likes to be... ‘fashionably’ late.” Zelda dropped the bags.
“Well they need to hurry up! I don’t HAVE all day!” she said obnoxiously. The door opened again and Ganondorf and Rabia came in.
“Sorry we’re late. Ganondorf HAD to do his hair! You know how he is...” Rabia rolled her eyes and took her seat. Zelda ran over and hugged her.
“Raaaaabiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Happy biiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
Rabia blinked. “Um... thanks. I think. Ew, wait, I’m the same age as Link. That’s so gross!”
“Hey, what?! You’re the same age as Shadow, too!” Link said. Rabia winked at Shadow.
“That’s okay, then.”
“Hey, so that means I don’t have to feel like a pedophile anymore!” Shadow said.
“So, Zant, what are we doing today?” Ganondorf asked.
“Well, first we’re having a birthday party. Then we’re going to plot,” I said. Ganondorf
rolled his eyes.
“Ugh, whatever, I’ll come back!” Ganondorf snapped.
“But... it’s for your wife!” I said.
“Her birthday is today?” he asked.
“How do you NOT know your own wife’s BIRTHDAY?” Shadow asked.
Rabia just shook her head. “What’s new? He’s completely hopeless. He’d forget his shoes if I didn’t tell him to wear them.
“Why are shoes required?” Ganondorf asked.
“Because, Ganon, sometimes it’s unacceptable to go places without shoes!” Rabia said.
Ganondorf ignored her. “So, when should I come back? Two, maybe three hours?”
I glared. “No, you’re NOT leaving! You can’t LEAVE your wife’s birthday party!” Rabia rolled her eyes.
“We aren’t having a party. We have shit to do, Zant.”
“UUUUMMMM, WE’RE HAVING A PARTY!” Zelda said. “And you’re gonna like it!”
“Wait, where’s Ghirahim?” I asked, noticing his empty chair.
“I knew I forgot to do something...” Demise said. Zelda cleared her throat.
“AHEMMMMM, are we gonna have this party?! Come on, you guys! You SUCK!” she said in her high pitched, nasally voice.
Ganondorf stood. “Okay. I’m leaving.”
“Hey, no! You have to stay!” Shadow said. Ganondorf looked at him.
“I’M. LEAVING.” He walked out. There was an awkward silence.
“Okaaay... so,” Sheik said. “Are we gonna have this party?”
“I need a new husband,” Rabia said. Zelda gasped.
“I know EXACTLY WHO,” she said.
“Do I want to know?” Rabia asked.
“Well, you like to read! So does Vio! You can just marry Vio!” Zelda exclaimed.
“... Vio is Link. Only he wears purple.”
“Um, NOOOO! How about you DON’T marry Vio!” Shadow and Link yelled.
“Like I was saying... Vio is Link. But he wears purple. I would NEVER. EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR marry someone who looked even SLIGHTLY like Link.” Zelda blinked.
“What about Shadow? He’s single!” she said. There was a silence. Rabia just shook her head.
“Zelda... get a brain, pleeeeeeease.” Rabia said.
“What?! You think Shadow’s hot, though!” she said. Rabia shushed her.
“That’s not a secret,” Kaikoura said. Rabia threw a pencil at her.
“Shut up! Can we get on with our meeting, Zant?”
“But... but the party!” he said.
“Can you at LEAST open one of my presents first, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?” Zelda pleaded.
“Oh my g- FINE!” Rabia said. “I just want to plan while Ganon is gone and not shooting down everyone’s ideas!” Zelda smiled brightly and handed her a giant bag.
“Here! Open THIS!”
Rabia sighed and opened the bag, then pulled out a stuffed Link doll. “Um... Zelda?”
“Oh! Sorry, that was mine...” She took the doll and tossed it to Link. “Ahem. Open THIS one,” she handed her a different bag. We never found out what was inside because Rabia just stared and set it down.
“You went shopping at Discount Stripper?” she asked.
“WHAT?! THIS ISN’T FAIR YOU NEED TO MODEL THESE!” Sephiroth yelled.
“... Um, that would take WAAAAY too much time,” Rabia said.
“No, you should do it!” Zelda said. “They’re all so CUTE!”
“I don’t think cute is the word to probably describe them, Zelda!” Sheik said.
“Well, Sheik helped me pick them out,” Zelda said.
“What?! No I didn’t!” Sheik said.
“Wait, wait, shut up. Sheik, come here for a second,” Rabia said.
“I am NOT putting those clothes on!” Sheik said.
“No, that’s not what I want. Just come here,” Rabia said. He sighed and walked over. “Now turn around...”
“Um, why? I don’t really know if I’m comfortable with this...” he said with wide eyes.
“Just do it!” Rabia said. He sighed but turned around. She grinned evilly and touched his butt. “Damn. You have a NICE ass.”
He jumped away. “AH! Why did you just do that?!”
“Kaikoura told me you had a nice ass! I asked her if I could touch it and she said I could. It’s a VERY nice ass.” Sheik looked at Kaikoura.
“You WHAT?!”
“Well, no that’s not exactly how the conversation went...” Kaikoura said. Shadow nodded.
“I agree, you do have a very nice ass, Sheik,” he said. “Can I touch it too?”
“NO!” Sheik yelled and walked back over to Link and Kaikoura, shielding his butt.
“Anyw-” Rabia started.
“He gets it from me,” Zelda said.
“ANYWAAAAAAAY, how should we overthrow the rulers and take over Hyrule this time?” she asked. The other heroes didn’t seem to notice. Sheik was too concerned about his butt, Kaikoura was eating some cookies and Zelda was whispering in Rabia’s ear about the clothes.
“Wait, uh what?!” Link yelled loudly. Everyone ignored him.
“How about we get a boiling cauldron of water and drop them in one by one!” Vaati said, laughing happily.
“You want to make them into soup?” Demise said. Vaati shrunk in his seat.
“It sounded like a better idea in my head,” he said softly. Rabia looked at Demise.
“What would YOU do? Kidnap the princess again?” she demanded.
“Hey, I never kidnapped a princess,” he said.
“Oh, right. That was Bowser. And Ganondorf. And VAATI,” she said. “Hm... well, what should we do, then? I feel like that would be WAAAY too obvious...Oh! We should make Link voodoo dolls and torture him!” she laughed evilly and made Shadow and Vaati jump.
“Uuuuh NOOOO!” Link said.
“You don’t get to have input on this meeting, Link,” I said.
“Go to your boy toy, no one cares what you have to say,” Shadow said. Just then, Rabia suddenly slapped Sephiroth.
“Hey! What the heck?!” Sephiroth yelled.
There was an awkward silence. He had a thong on the end of his wing. Rabia just rolled her eyes.
“Pay attention,” she snapped. “Zant, go sew some Link voodoo dolls. Shadow, go find Ganondorf. I’m gonna sit here and be lazy while you do that, okay?”
Zant ran off to make voodoo dolls of all the heroes. Shadow gasped.
“Why do I have to find Ganondorf? Why don’t you bring Dark Link here with you so HE can find Ganon?”
“I don’t know why we don’t bring Dark... Just go find Ganon. Go. Now. Go!” Rabia said, pushing him towards the door. He grumbled but complied.
“Now I’m alone!” Vaati whined.
“Deal with it,” Rabia said.
“Ouch, you’re BITCHY today!” Demise said.
“Yeah, I KNOW!” Rabia said. “I can only IMAGINE why!”
“It must be the hormones,” Vaati said. He gasped. “Oh my god... then that must mean...” Ganondorf was brought back in by Shadow Link.
“WHAT is your malfunction?!” Rabia yelled at him.
“Already?” Ganondorf said, sitting down in his seat.
“Sooooo.... I see you’ve accepted my challenge,” Vaati said.
“What challenge?” Rabia asked.
“Wait, why? What?” Ganondorf asked. “She’s just bitchy. Doesn’t mean she’s hormonal.” Rabia glared and punched him the arm. He didn’t budge.
“...Ow....” she said. “What challenge?”
“Rabia, is there something you need to tell us?” Shadow Link asked. She glared at him.
“I almost killed you the last time we were here. Do you REALLY want to antagonize me?” Rabia said.
“So you are!”
“Are what? What are you talking about?!”
He nodded to himself. “Oh, she is. She is.”
“AHA!” Vaati said.
“Well I don’t really KNOW if she is,” Ganondorf said.
“If I’m WHAT?!” Rabia yelled. They ignored her.
“Wait, I’m confused too,” Demise said.
“Somebody explain what this challenge is before I flip!” Rabia said.
“Spaghetti. The best spaghetti,” Vaati said, looking down.
“You’re lying. You’re a terrible liar,” Rabia said.
“I’m not LYING! Should I get Malon in here?!” Vaati said defensively.
“Yes. Yes you should.”
I finished the first voodoo doll of Link and handed it to Rabia. “Look! I did it!” I said.
“Wait, put that doll down!” Link cried, running at her. Rabia started making the doll dance. Link danced.
“Why do you have voodoo dolls?” Ganondorf asked.
“Why do you have a FACE?” Rabia asked.
“Wow, good one,” Ganondorf rolled his eyes. Shadow had left, and returned with Malon.
“I brought her, Master!” Vaati stared at him with wide eyes.
“Shadow! You weren’t supposed to go get her!”
“Don’t worry Malon I’ll save you!” Link cried, dancing over to her. Rabia shoved him out of the way and he fell to the ground with a thump.
“Stay. So Malon... do you know of this challenge between Vaati and Ganondorf?” she asked.
“For what? World dominance?” Malon asked.
“Yep, that’s it! Told you! Now you have proof!” Vaati said. “See you at home, bye!” he went to push her out.
“No, Ganondorf would OBVIOUSLY win that. No, it was something about spaghetti...”
“Spaghetti? What?” Malon asked.
“Well, he was lying. I was just wondering if you knew anything. It has something to do with us, I think.”
Vaati tried to hide his face in Shadow’s hair. Malon turned to him.
“What is this... competition you’re having?” she looked at him sternly.
“Now don’t get stressed Malon!” Shadow said. “That’s the last thing you need with your pregnancy going on!”
“Jeeze, Vaati! Do you ever stop having kids?” Demise said loudly. Rabia started laughing at him.
“What competition?” Malon repeated.
“It’s nothing... it’s just... uh... good friendly rivalry stuff!” Vaati said. She raised an eyebrow. “Really, it is! Right Ganondorf?”
“‘Friendly’ rivalry? I don’t think so.”
“Vaati! What is the competition! Tell me,” Malon demanded.
“Uhh, I think Ganondorf should explain it...” Vaati said.
“I’m not ASKING Ganondorf! I’m asking YOU!”
“Oh, they’re BOTH bitchy! Ohh... wait, I get it,” Demise said.
“What the FUCK?! I’m still confused!” Rabia said. “If you won’t tell us, we’ll ask Demise. He’s nice enough to tell me.”
“He’s nice?” Shadow asked.
“To me. We’re best friends,” Rabia nodded.
“Nooo, I still think Ganondorf should take the blow for this one!” Vaati said. Malon and Rabia turned to Ganondorf.
“You tell us, then,” Rabia said.
Ganondorf sighed. “Fine. This ‘challenge’ that Vaati speaks of is to see who can have the most sons, or something.”
“... I’m going to kill you,” Rabia said.
“Vaati, how could you? Is that all I am to you?” Malon asked, tears in her eyes.
“MAAALOOOON! I TOLD YOU THE EVILS OF THIS MAAAAN!” Link said loudly. Rabia kicked him in the ribs.
“SHUT UP. And let me borrow your sword.”
“Uh... noooo, thanks,” Link said. “Evil can’t touch the MASTER SWORD!”
“I’m not evil. I’m just crazy. There is a DISTINCT difference.” Instead she kicked Ganondorf in the balls even though he’s sitting.
“There. Now you CAN’T have any more children!” Rabia yelled.
“You know that didn’t even hurt, right?” Ganondorf asked. She picked up the plush Link voodoo doll and threw it at his penis, Link’s actual body following. “Was that REALLY NECESSARY?!” he yelled.
“Oh my FAROOOOOORE!” Link screamed. He stole the Link doll and ran away with it.
“Yes. Yes it was necessary.” Rabia sat down, satisfied. Ganondorf looked at her.
“So are you?” he asked. She scowled and slapped him, then stormed out. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re gonna have a baby shoooooweeeeeeeeer!” Shadow sang loudly. Zelda gasped.
“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! BABY SHOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEER!”
“You’re a big JERK, Vaati!” Malon cried, running out all upset. Ganondorf laughed. He grabbed Zelda by the throat and threw her out after her. Sheik and Kaikoura followed. I looked up.
“Wait, where’d everyone go?!” I asked.
Vaati sat down next to Shadow. “What did I DOOOOO?” he wailed.
“Damn. I am so glad I married someone who is NOT so sensitive,” Ganondorf said.
~~~~~
Other Room
~~~~~
Link, Zelda, Kaikoura, Sheik, Malon and Rabia were in the other room, eating cookies. Link was comforting the sobbing Malon and Rabia was sitting with her arms crossed, glaring at the wall. Zelda was chattering away happily with Sheik and Kaikoura was too occupied with the cookies.
“Why would he do that to meeeee!” Malon sobbed into Link’s shoulder. Zelda looked over at them.
“Um, excuse me? I don’t think so. No. Get OFF of MY MAN,” she snapped. Malon sniffed and hurried away from Link over to Sheik.
“Zeldaaa! She’s so upset! How can you say that?!” Link said.
“That bitch has her own husband!” Zelda exclaimed.
“Zelda, that’s not very nice to say to someone as nice as Malon,” Link replied. Zelda grumbled and looked away all angry. Malon instead cried into Sheik’s shoulder.
“Oh, Malon, it’s okay. Vaati loves you,” he said. “You know he does. He’s just a little below average in intelligence...”
“A little?” Rabia said.
“Okay a lot,” Sheik said. “He’s just too caught up in trying to beat Ganondorf with something to realize he’s being a jerk.” He handed her a tissue. Ganondorf walked in.
“What the shit is this, a pity party?” he asked. Rabia bursted out laughing.
“Hah! Ganondorf what the fuck voice was that? You sound like a black man!” she laughed so hard she cried.
He looked at her and blinked, then took a cookie from Kaikoura.
“Hey!” Kaikoura said. He raised an eyebrow. “You can have it don’t kill meee!”
“The voodoo dolls are done. Zant is too stupid to figure out what to do with them,” Ganondorf said. Rabia grumbled.
“I don’t wanna mooooooove.”
“You’re so LAZY. Oh, no wait. You’re just pregnant. It’s understandable.”
“No, I’m lazy. I’m not ashamed,” Rabia said. “But I’m not moving either. So there.” Ganondorf shrugged and picked her up, then brought her into the meeting room. “HEY! Douche!”
“Nice come back,” he said. Rabia grumbled.
“You REALLY don’t know what the idea behind the voodoo dolls was?” she raised an eyebrow at us. We shook our heads. “Well, OBVIOUSLY we have control over their bodies. We get them all in one place and kill them. The end.”
“Couldn’t we just rip all their heads off?” Demise asked. “That would eliminate the need to gather them.”
“But... it’d be more fun to do it when we can see them!” Rabia said.
He shrugged. “Yeah, fair enough.”
“So... go do it. Why are you still here?” she asked. “Gosh, don’t be so stupid.” The villains all ran out except Sephiroth.
“... I really think you should model these,” he said. Rabia shook her head and left.