A League of Villains

We had all run out on Rabia’s orders and were now in the middle of an abandoned forest with the voodoo dolls, discussing the best way to contain the heroes. Suddenly, I had a genius idea. I pulled a birdcage out of my pocket and grinned triumphantly.
“We should lure all the heroes here and contain them in this birdcage!” I said. They all looked at me like I had five heads. “What...?”
“You just... you just carry a bird cage around in your pocket?” Voldemort asked. I nodded seriously.
“It comes in handy. Everyone should carry one with them,” I said, setting it down in the clearing. Voldemort just looked at me weirdly.
“Yeah... okay then...” He shoved the voodoo dolls in the cage and we sat down to wait. It didn’t take long for the first of the group to arrive. They looked confused as their legs carried them against their will into the center of the clearing. We watched, amused, as they tried to walk away and seemed to walk directly into an invisible wall containing them.
“Hah! See? I told you a bird cage would come in handy,” I said triumphantly. The heroes were confused and annoyed as they kept trying to escape, while more and more joined them. Once they were all contained, Demise grinned triumphantly.
“Now lets rip their heads off!” he said.
“I don’t think Rabia would be happy if you did that without her here,” I pointed out. He grumbled but left the dolls alone. “Lets go back to the fortress and figure out what to do next.” We all headed back. We hadn’t noticed while we were taking care of the heroes, we were missing a few of our group. We walked back into the fortress to find Sephiroth still amusing himself with the bags Zelda had brought over. Rabia was sitting in her seat, but had fallen asleep with her head on her arms. Ganondorf was watching Sephiroth, completely bored. The rest of us took our seats. It was eerily quiet.
“So...” I started. Everyone turned to look at me. I cleared my throat. “We’ve successfully taken over the world... so... who’s gonna be our leader?” I asked. That got their attention. Ganondorf cleared his throat.
“Well, the obvious choice would be me,” he stated. Demise laughed.
“Hah, yeah right. You couldn’t even take over Hyrule. What makes you think you could handle ruling the world?” he asked.
“I think I should do it,” Voldemort said. “I know more about the world than either of you do.” Darth Vader turned to him.
“I know more about the GALAXY than you do,” he said. I blinked.
“Okay, okay, everyone calm down,” I said. A few of the lesser villains were bickering among themselves, but most of us paid them no mind.
“Whoa, what about ME,” Sauron demanded. “I managed to take over Middle-earth TWICE,” he said. We all looked at him.
“Um... you’re an eyeball,” Vaati said. “How can you rule anything?” Sauron glared.
“Yeah? Well you’re a MIDGET!” he yelled. I stood and raised my hands.
“My friends, calm yourselves. I think we can all agree that I should be the one to lead us.” There was an awkward silence before everyone burst into laughter. I sat down, offended. Rabia yawned and stretched.
“Whoa, what are we doing?” she asked. “When did you guys get back?”
“We’re deciding on a leader,” I said. “These guys thinks it’s hilarious that I think I should be the leader.” I glared at her when she started laughing as well.
“No offense Zant, but... you thought Ganondorf was a god. I think we need someone more intelligent to lead us,” she laughed.
“Well, who do YOU think should lead? You?” I scoffed.
“Oh, dear goddesses, that’d be horrible!” she said. “No way! I would NEVER want to do that! I deal with enough stupid people as it is! I REALLY don’t want to find out how many stupid people there are in the world, because I’m pretty sure their numbers far outweigh the numbers of intelligence. No, I’m all set,” she said. I blinked.
“... I don’t understand how you don’t want to rule the world. I mean... that’d be complete control over EVERYONE...” I said. She shook her head.
“No, absolutely not. I hate people. There are only four villains in this room who could handle ruling the world, I think.” When she said that, everyone turned to stare at her, except Sephiroth who was still busy digging through the bags.
“Elaborate,” I said, folding my fingers together.
“Well, Darth Vader, Voldemort, Demise and Ganondorf, obviously,” she said. “The rest of you have almost NO experience or you’d do something stupid like turning the whole population to stone... “ at the last bit she looked pointedly at Vaati. “Theoretically, you or Sauron could possibly do it, but you worshipped Ganondorf and would probably just end up doing whatever he told you to do again, and Sauron is an eyeball... “
“So... you think only Darth Vader, Voldemort, Demise or Ganondorf could lead us?” I asked skeptically.
“Well, seeing as they are the only smart ones with experience in this room, yes,” she said.
“Are you sure you aren’t just being biased? You think Darth Vader is cool, you had some weird friendship with Voldemort, you’re best friends with Demise and you’re married to Ganondorf. Seems kinda fishy to me...” Shadow said.
“My relationships with these people have nothing to do with my opinion on their ability to think and rule,” she said coolly. “You don’t have to agree with my opinion.” Shadow sunk down in his seat and Demise started laughing.
“She’s so bitchy I love it!” he said.
“Well, think about it this way. Would any of you listen if Vaati was your leader?” Rabia asked. There was a collective shake of the head.
“Hey!” Vaati cried. “I would be a wonderful leader!” There was a silence. “You all suck...”
“I think you’re a good leader, Master,” Shadow Link said. I sighed.
“I guess the rest of us don’t count, then...” I pouted. “I wanted to be leader...”
“How shall we decide this?” Vader asked. “A fight to the death?”
“UM, NO,” Rabia said. “I know he wouldn’t lose, but I still don’t want to take a chance of my husband dying, thanks.”
“Why? You’d always have me,” Demise winked.
“Oh that’s it. You’re SO going down!” Ganondorf stood and slammed his hands on the table.
“Well... that escalated quickly...” Shadow Link muttered to Vaati. Vaati giggled.
“Why don’t you just decide it with a game of rugby or something? It’s violent but not potentially fatal,” Rabia suggested. The four of them agreed and headed outside behind the house to the sports fields. The rest of us followed to watch, having nothing better to do. Suddenly Rabia grabbed Ganondorf and pulled him down for a kiss. “For luck,” she winked, then went to sit down with the rest of us. He rolled his eyes and they started the games.
There were two games going on, one person on each time. To our surprise, Demise was the first one to lose as the others had teamed up against him. Not as surprising, Voldemort was out next, being the easier target. We all watched the next game closely. It was between Ganondorf and Darth Vader. No one knew who was going to win, it was a very close match. Suddenly, Rabia yelled out something in perfect gerudo to Ganondorf, distracting him enough for Darth Vader to win. Those of us rooting for him cheered triumphantly. Ganondorf looked pissed.
“WHY would you do that?!” he yelled at Rabia. She cowered behind me.
“Ah! Hey, I don’t want to be involved in this!”
“Well...” she looked at him with big eyes. “You’re already always working... and if you worked more I’d be lonely!” she said. He glared.
“You made me lose so you wouldn’t be LONELY?!” he stormed inside. I blinked.
“Uh... I’m just gonna...” I followed the group going back inside to celebrate Vader’s victory while secretly wishing it was myself that had won.