A League of Villains

A few weeks ago, we had announced our world domination to the public, causing massive amounts of panic and some attempts at rebellion, all of which were easily crushed. Darth Vader was easily maintaining order and the rest of us were sitting around doing nothing. The hard part, taking over, was finished, so now we occupied ourselves doing other things. Most of us had finally accepted Darth Vader as our leader except for Ganondorf and Demise. Ganondorf was still pissed at Rabia, and Demise was just pissed at everyone. We were all doing our best to stay out of their way. Most of us were spending our day off in the pool room just relaxing.

I was sitting in my own lovely floatie drinking a cream soda through a straw. Shadow Link and Vaati were playing volleyball again, only this time they were hitting a ball back and forth instead of a fairy. Sephiroth was floating on his back, and most of the others were in floaties or stretched out on chairs, tanning with Sauron's flames. I choked on the many bubbles of my cream soda when Rabia ran in, Ganondorf just behind her. He was yelling at her again and she looked pretty upset. I coughed and spluttered when she dove into the pool next to me, dousing me in a healthy coating of water.

"Gah! Why is it always me?" I whined. Ganondorf grumbled and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. There was an awkward silence until the usual chatter resumed.

Rabia resurfaced after a minute and hid behind my floatie. "Is he gone?" she whispered. I nodded.

"What is he mad about now?"

"Same thing... he's mad because I made him lose..." she sighed and pulled herself out of the pool. "I just ran in here because I knew he wouldn't follow me in..." She wrapped a towel around herself. "I'll be training with Ganondorf's mothers if you need me," she waved lazily and walked out.

I shrugged and finished my soda. It was then I realized the pool room was empty. “Heeey!” I yelled. “You jerks! You left without me!” I got out of the pool and went downstairs.

Ganondorf, Demise, Darth Vader and Darth Maul were plotting evilly while Vaati attempted to offer input, but just ended up making a fool of himself. "Who wants to play twister?!" I asked loudly. The others agreed and we invaded space in the living room to play. After a few rounds, we were all just laying on the ground, having given up on the game.

"I'm so bored..." Shadow Link said.

"Me too..." I agreed.

Rabia had come back downstairs with Ganondorf's mothers. She looked a little tired from the training. "Whatcha guys doing?" she asked, sitting down on Shadow Link's tummy.

"Oof!" he said. "We were playing twister."

"Oh, rea-" she started.

Ganondorf looked over and his eyes narrowed. "What were YOU doing?" he demanded.

She blinked. "... I was... training... is that okay with you?!" she snapped. The others sat up. Now things were starting to get interesting.

"Um, actually NO! You're pregnant!" Ganondorf said.

"Oh, really? I didn't know," Rabia said sarcastically. "We were using plastic swords, you dumb fuck!"

"That escalated quickly," I whispered to Vaati, who nodded.

He rolled his eyes. "Wow... great comeback," he said.

"It's your fault I'm practically useless right now!"

"Of course you'd blame it on me," Ganondorf said. "You can't take responsibility for your own problems."

They switched to yelling at each other in gerudo, and we all got lost again.

"What are they talking about?" Vaati asked.

"I don't know," I said back, munching on some Easy Mac.

"Rabia is calling King Ganondorf an asshole, and Ganondorf is saying she's a useless housewife," Dark Link said, nodding. Of course he was the only one who knew.

They continued yelling at each other for a few minutes until Ganondorf said something that sent Rabia into a stunned silence. She gave him a hurt look and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

"Ganondorf Dragmire!" His mothers scolded. "That was inappropriate language!"

He apologized to them for his language, then carried on planning with the others.

The rest of us all groaned and collapsed back to the floor, bored once again.

~~~
Rabia knocked on Kaikoura's door. "Kaikoura, you home?"

Kaikoura answered the door, munching on some noodles. “Oh, hey Rabia! What’s up?” She let Rabia inside.

Rabia shrugged. “Ganondorf is being a dick. Wanna hang out?” Kaikoura set down her bowl of noodles and nodded quickly.

“Sure!” She motioned for her to sit down. “What is that jerk doing now?”

“He yelled at me for training with his mothers. They were plastic swords! Plaaastiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!” Rabia sat down between her and Sheik. He looked up from the book in his hands for a moment before returning his gaze to the pages. Kaikoura stabbed at her noodles with her chopsticks.

“Why would he yell at you for that? He’s so weird, I warned you about him...” she grumbled. “I bet there’s something else wrong with him....” She sat in thought for a moment. “I bet he thinks you were flirting with someone again. Did you flirt with anyone?”

“Who would I flirt with? His moms?” Rabia started laughing. Kaikoura gave her a shove.

“I don’t know! I meant Shadow or something! Ganondorf is just a bipolar man... with very powerful arms that could probably crush you....” She trailed off. “I hope he isn’t looking for you....”

“Hah, yeah right,” Rabia said. “Like he’d even care that I’m gone. He’s probably just sitting on the couch, continuing the conversation about politics he was having with Demise, Vader, Maul and Vaati.”

“True....” There was a short silence as the three continued to sit. The only noises to be heard was the shuffling of pages and the slurping of noodles until Rabia spoke up again.

“He’s just fat, that’s why he’s mad at me,” she said with a nod. Suddenly, a knock came at the door. Kaikoura and Sheik looked at Rabia.

“It’s for you,” they said in unison, Kaikoura’s mouth half-full of food. Rabia sighed.

“Fine, I’ll answer it...” She grumbled and stood from her seat on the couch. “Who is it?” she called in annoyance. No answer. “I said who is it?!” Still no answer. She opened the door with a huff.

“Who is it?” Kaikoura called. Rabia shut the door immediately.

“No one,” she answered. “Just Ganondorf’s attempt to get me to come back.” The knock sounded again. “I SAID GO AWAY, ZANT!” I sighed and sat down on the front steps.

“Ganondorf told me I couldn’t leave until you came back with me!” I called in defeat.

“Tell Ganondorf to go fuck himself!” Rabia called back. She sat back down. “Anyway, what were we doing?” She smiled sweetly, like she hadn’t just been swearing her head off at me. Kaikoura and Sheik blinked at her.

“I’m still not understanding why he’s angry with you,” Sheik said.

“He says he’s angry bec--” I started.

“Zant, it’s a little rude to sit in front of peoples’ houses when you know you aren’t WANTED,” Rabia yelled. I shut up.

“Wellllll..... Want some noodles while you’re here?” Kaikoura asked, another awkward silence creeping up on them. Just then, yet another knock sounded.

“It wasn’t me!” I cried quickly. “This time it really isn’t!” Sheik stood from the couch this time, setting his book in Kaikoura’s lap.

“I’ll get it this time,” he said. “If anyone asks, I’ll say Rabia went to Nabooru’s... party.” He walked to the door and opened it. No one was standing there but me.

“It really wasn’t me, I’m not joking,” I said. Sheik raised an eyebrow. “Honest!” Suddenly, Rabia and Kaikoura screamed from the other room. Sheik and I quickly ran back to the living room to find it empty. “Where did they go?!” I cried. Sheik gave me a dirty look.

“Considering you are the only one here, I wonder where they could have gone,” he answered. I blinked.

“I sense some serious hostility from you right now,” I said in disbelief. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Let’s go to your evil lair, I guess,” he said in defeat.

“It’s actually a fortress, not a lair,” I corrected. He ignored me as we left his house for the fortress.

~~~
BACK AT THE FORTRESS
~~~

Rabia was glaring at Dark Link from across the room. “You just made my list!” she growled. “The list of Links I don’t like.” She threw her shoe at him angrily, then turned to Ganondorf. “And seriously?! If you wanted me so fucking bad, you could’ve gotten off your lazy ass and gotten me yourself!”

Shadow Link blinked. “... am I on that list?”

She glared at him. “You WILL be if you don’t shut the fuck up!” He looked at the floor sadly. Ganondorf growled from the other side of the room.

“Shadow, if you don’t keep out of this, I will crush you like the bug that you are!” he said.

“I’m not getting inv--” Shadow’s mouth was quickly covered by Vaati, who hushed him with a look. Rabia glared at Ganondorf.

“Don’t tell him what to do!” She snapped. “What the hell is your problem?!”

Koume and Kotake had walked in. “Such language!” They gasped. Rabia glared at them.

“Oh, don’t even start. After what he said to me earlier, this doesn’t even compare.” Ganondorf snapped at her.

“Hey, watch how you speak to my mothers,” he said with annoyance. Kaikoura, who sat in the corner of the room near Darth Maul and Ursula, awkwardly raised her hand. Ganondorf ignored her.

“Yes?” Darth Vader said, one of the only ones acknowledging her presence.

“I understand why Rabia was kidnapped, but.... why am I here too?” she asked. Ganondorf looked at Dark Link.

“Good question. Dark, go throw her back,” he ordered. Dark stood up without a word and picked her up.

“Wait, throw me back? Why not just take me b--” she started before disappearing into a shadow in the corner.

“Thank the goddesses -- she would just get in the way of our plans,” Ganondorf said. “So, the reason I had Dark get you -- the ONLY reason I had him get you -- is because we need to address an issue that has surfaced recently regarding the giant bird cage in the woods.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You brought me here for a discussion? Well, I think we all know I’m not going to participate in this conversation. I’m going back to Kaikoura’s. You guys have... somewhat capable brains. Figure it out yourselves.”

“This is a very urgent problem, Miss Rabia,” Vader said. “I’m not saying that you have to stay, but this might be of interest to you.”

Rabia folded her arms. “Spit it out. I have better things to do than stay in a room with Ganondorf for a long period of time.” Vader nodded.

“I will speak then,” he said. “It has come to my attention that some of the heroes seem to be starving themselves to try to fit through the bars of this cage. In fact, Aladdin is almost thin enough to slip right through it seems.” He waited to hear her input.

Rabia grumbled. “They just loooove pissing me off... Fucking Aladdin... just move them to the dungeon or something. Get a prison transport set up. I don’t know. Or we could force feed them, but that could get gross.” Vader nodded.

“Maybe we could just put the cage inside a high security prison so if they escape once, there will be no way they could escape again!” Vaati suggested. Shadow nodded, his master’s hand still over his mouth. A muffled noise of agreement sounded from his mouth.

She looked at him thoughtfully. “Vaati, your smart is showing...” she sighed. “That would work, as long as some people are willing to do heavy lifting. Or magic. Or both. I’m not really sure.” Most of the villains nodded.

“Should we inform the heroes so they know what waits on the other side of their cage?” Vaati asked. Everyone then blinked. His “smart” was gone. No one bothered to explain to him that they would know already because... well.... it’s a cage..... Vader changed the subject.

“You may now leave as you please, Rabia. Unless you plan on helping us move the cage, but I wouldn’t suggest that in your stage of pregnancy,” he stated.

“I wouldn’t help even if I wasn’t pregnant,” she pointed out. “I’ll be at Zelda’s if you need me,” she said. She shook her head while she spoke, insinuating that she would, in fact, not be at Zelda’s. Half of the villains blinked in response and the others looked confusedly among each other. She then left the room. Shadow looked around the room.

“Mmmmmmftmmpppppmggggmmmm?”

“What?” everyone said. Vaati took his hand off of Shadow’s mouth.

“I said, where did Zant go?” he asked.

“Oh like anyone cares where he went,” Ganondorf snapped. Shadow shrunk back in his seat, keeping quiet once more.

~~~
ZANT
~~~

I was currently leading Sheik to our current place of residence, the fortress, to go look for Rabia and his wife. We were walking on the path through the woods just outside our fortress. I was attempting to make small talk, but he was ignoring me.

“So, Sheik, how are you and your siblings?” I asked politely. He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes, but said nothing. I sighed. “Well, if you must know, I picked up a new hobby lately. I’ve been trying to learn how to tap dance, and I’d say it’s pretty fun! Do you know how to tap dance, Sheik? I could picture it, you’re very athletic.” Still he didn’t respond. So I continued for a few more minutes until he stopped suddenly. I paused. “What?”

“What was that noise?” he asked.

“What noise?” He hushed me and we listened. Indeed, in the somewhat near distance voices could be heard. He looked at me.

“Who is that?” he asked. I shrugged. Then, suddenly, I remembered what we hid in the woods. I mentally facepalmed at our poor choice of placement for that damn bird cage. I quickly ushered Sheik into the other direction.

“Oh that’s just our... gardeners. Please, come this way,” I urged.

“A garden? I would love to see,” Sheik said. I couldn’t tell if he was being suspicious of me or not, but I ignored his comment.

“We have tons of delicious soups and biscuits and.... pastries inside, please come quickly inside,” I continued.

“Pastries? Why do I care about pastries?” Sheik asked, moving out of my grip and making his way for the woods again. I grabbed him by his hair and continued to drag him back to the fortress.

“You don’t listen well, do you?” I asked with annoyance. “You must get that from Zelda. Now come eat these pastries with me, will you?!” I cried.

Sheik kicked me away and I hit a tree. “Oof! Ow! That’s so RUDE!” I said. He ignored me and took off into the woods. “...crap...”

~~~
RABIA
~~~

Rabia stormed back to Kaikoura’s house and let herself in. “Kaikoura? Are you here? Did that dumb oaf hurt you? DO YOU NEED A DOCTOOOOR?!” She ran around the house, urgently looking for her friend. She found Kaikoura and Dark Link sitting at her kitchen table, eating noodles and drinking tea. “...Wow... I should’ve expected that...” Dark stood from his seat at the table.

“Is Master requiring me to return?” he asked. Kaikoura motioned for him to sit, a stray noodle hanging out of her bowl.

“Just ignore him, he needs to finish that bowl of noodles. Apparently your lovely husband doesn’t feed Dark... ever,” she said.

Rabia shrugged. “Like I talked to that ass. Sit down and eat your food,” she ordered Dark. “It’s not surprising he doesn’t feed you.” She poked his tummy. He complied and sat back down. Kaikoura pulled a chair over next to her.

“Sit down, Rabia!” she said. “I don’t know where Sheik went, but you can take his bowl of noodles for now.”

Rabia sat down. “Thanks. I’m sure Sheik is fine, wherever he is. If he’s anywhere near Ganondorf, I hope he kicks his ass...” Kaikoura nodded.

~~~
SHEIK!
~~~

Sheik had followed the voices into a clearing where a large birdcage was situated. His eyes widened when he found all his friends locked up. “So that’s why I haven’t heard from any of you lately,” he said thoughtfully. He walked around the cage to look for a weak spot. None seemed to be apparent. He thought for a moment. He noticed how widely-spaced the bars of the cage were, and stuck his hand through. Some of the heroes stared at him, while others were trying to pull the bars apart themselves. I caught up to him after a moment, huffing and puffing after him.

“You’re so.... quick.... how do you.... ugh...” I breathed. Sheik turned and slid through the gap of the bars with ease. “Hey, what are you.... doing?”

“Aren’t you going to stop me?” Sheik asked. I sighed and shook my head.

“No one else can get through those bars anyway, so what’s the point?” I answered. Sheik narrowed his eyes at me.

“Why do you have all of these people locked up in a.... what is this, a bird cage?”

“It was Rabia’s idea, I’m pretty sure,” I huffed. Sheik crept deeper into the cage, making his way around the heroes. “Ugh, Sheik, can we just go inside? You’re not going to be able to free anyone...” I folded my arms impatiently.

“Fine,” Sheik said. “I’m going home though, I don’t want your... pastries, which I’m sure would be poisoned anyway.”

“Get out of the cage, Sheik! You’re really annoying me!” I cried.

“Okay okay, I’ll get out,” I heard him say and a shuffle sounded from the opposite side of the cage. I waited a moment for him to come over, but he didn’t. I frowned.

“Sheik, where are you? There aren’t any gardens over...” I peered around the cage and he was nowhere to be found. I shrugged. “He’s so weird.... Whatever, as long as all these heroes stay here, I don’t care what he does,” I said to myself. I began to walk back up the path as I ran into all the other villains.

“Zant!” Shadow said with a grin. “Wanna help us move this cage?”

“Yes Zant, help us move this please. We must account for all of these imbeciles first,” Vader said, reading down a clipboard. “Cloud?”

“Here...” a voice sounded. Vader checked him off.

“Luke and Leia?” Two hands raised. He checked them off.

“Link?”

“You will never get away with this! Just wait until Tet or Zelda or --”

“Thanks Link, got it,” Vader interrupted, checking him off. “Aladdin?” Silence. “Aladdin, state that you are present.” Still silence. Vader lowered his clipboard and tapped on the bird cage loudly. “Where is the thief? State that you are present.” The heroes looked around, some whistling and some pretending to be busy with the scenery around them. Vader slammed his clipboard into Shadow’s arms and walked around the cage intimidatingly. “If somebody doesn’t speak up now, you’ll all suffer.” Still, none of them spoke. Shadow leaned toward me.

“You... wouldn’t have anything to do with this, would you?” he whispered. I gulped before answering with a forced laugh.

“Of course not, get away from me you worthless slave,” I said with a chuckle. Shadow gave me a weird look.

“Riiiiiight,” he muttered, walking away with the clipboard. I mentally strangled both myself and Sheik -- I knew he was up to something! I vowed that I would find him and Aladdin, so I excused myself and left the fortress to find them.

~~~
KAIKOURA’S HOUSE
~~~

Rabia and Dark Link had finished the noodles that Kaikoura had so politely offered them them, and now Rabia was washing the dishes and whistling to herself casually. Kaikoura was playing with Dark Link’s hair. Dark Link was sitting in his chair with no expression on his face, just letting Kaikoura do as she wished to his hair.

“I think you look pretty, Dark,” Rabia said, giving him a smile. She was in a considerably better mood after hanging out with her best friend ever. Kaikoura smiled.

“I agree, you look ten years younger Dark,” she said. She paused. “Well... Okay, maybe like one year younger. You know what I mean.” The front door opened and voices sounded from the other room. “Sheik, is that you?” she called.

“You’re back? Oh, you’ll never believe this -- Zant showed me this giant bird--” he stopped when he saw Dark and Rabia in the kitchen and quickly darted back into the other room. Kaikoura blinked.

“....Okay, talk to you later then,” she mumbled to herself.

Rabia raised an eyebrow and dried her hands. “Dark Link and I will be right back, Kaikoura,” she smiled and took Dark Link’s hand, dragging him into the other room after Sheik. She walked in and spotted Sheik and Aladdin. “So... what was that think Zant showed you?” she asked, grabbing Aladdin’s arm roughly. Sheik quickly stepped in to defend the boy.

“Always a pleasure to randomly have you here, Dark,” he noted, inching away from the shadow. “Zant showed me... a lovely garden behind the fortress and I happened to see Aladdin here. No big deal...” he trailed off, realizing there was no point in trying to deny that he helped Aladdin escape.

Rabia nodded. “Uh huh, sounds legit,” she said, giving Sheik an innocent smile. “Especially since the garden is out front in the courtyard. Come along, Aladdin,” she said, taking his hand instead and leading him to the door. Dark followed, and Sheik gave him a dirty look as he walked alongside Rabia. Aladdin mouthed “help me” to Sheik, whom could only shrug and answer with a silent “I don’t know.”

“Nice to see you Aladdin,” Sheik said with little enthusiasm.

“Bye, Sheik. Give Kaikoura a hug for me, okay?” Rabia said. She gave him a genuine smile this time and nudged Dark Link out of the house in front of her. Dark Link got the two of them back to the bird cage in the woods. “Guys, did you lose someone?” Rabia asked. Vader stormed over to the three that had just arrived.

“Where did you find this rat?” he demanded, grabbing onto Aladdin’s other arm angrily.

“Heeeey! Those words are hurtful!” Rabia said. “Apparently ZANT,” she looked over at me. “Showed Sheik the birdcage. I guess Sheik managed to free Aladdin, but probably because they were both skinny enough to slide through...” she said thoughtfully. “Aaanyway, you might want to get a move on.” Vader’s cold stare turned to look for me.

“Where is that traitor?” he asked. The other villains looked around and shrugged. He jerked Aladdin out of Rabia’s grasp and threw him hastily back into the birdcage. “When he gets back, he’s joining these weaklings in the cage. Let’s move it.” And with that, everyone gathered around the cage to either lift it physically or by magical means.

Rabia sat down on a nearby rock that resembled a chair and started reading a book. The villains all managed to move the cage into a large cell in the dungeon beneath the fortress. Rabia followed them inside and met them in the living room. “It was kind of amusing watching all the heroes stumble around when you guys were moving the cage,” she giggled. “I feel bad though... I like Aladdin.” Ganondorf rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t even start, mister,” she said warningly.

“Aladdin is a useless little rat who would see our plan failed. I’d advise against making friendships with such people,” Darth Vader said.

“I said I LIKE him, I didn’t say we were best friends forever and ever,” she said. “Whatever. I’m going to go find Zant.” She walked towards the door and squeaked when Ganondorf grabbed her arm. “Heeey! I’m walking, here!”

“You aren’t going anywhere. Dark Link is already looking for Zant.”

“Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to go wherever the fuck I want,” she said coolly as she pried his hand off her wrist. “I only came back to bring Aladdin to you morons, because apparently you have a hard time controlling people who are locked up in cages. I’m going to help Dark Link search for Zant.” She walked out. The others shrugged and continued doing their business as usual.