A League of Villains

I leaned back in my chair (which by now you should know is large and gold) and endured the lengthening awkward silence.

“So...” I said. “Does anyone know where Vaati, Shadow, Voldemort and Bellatrix are?”

“Zant, it’s Valentines Day. They’re probably off on a romantic killing spree of some sort.”
Rabia replied. She glanced over at the two empty seats next to her. “...I feel so ALONE!
Ganon will you sit next to me?” Ganon grumbled but complied.

“Wow, thanks Rabia.” I said, shaking my head.

“Awww... I love you Zant.”

“Even though some of us are missing. I still think we should carry on with our plotting. Robotnik, are you almost finished with that bomb?” Darth Vader asked. Robotnik nodded.

“I just have to add some finishing touches.” he grinned in an old man fashion.

“Good. Rabia, what songs are you and Sheik going to play?” I asked, folding my hands in front of me.

“3 by Britney Spears, The FUN Song, Why Not and the Witch Doctor.” she said with a small yawn.

“I don’t know any of those songs...” I replied, confused.

“1, 2, 3 not only you and me! Got one eighty degrees, and I’m caught in between!”
Murtagh sang loudly Galbatorix elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow...”

“Are you serious right now?! Nobody likes Britney Spears.” Ganondorf said angrily.

“I like Britney Spears, and obviously Murtagh does too! So shut it.” Rabia said, patting his arm gently.

“Robotnik, you finish that bomb. Rabia, go get Sheik.” Darth Vader said.

“...Fine...” she glared at Darth Vader as she left. There was another long silence, which grew more awkward the longer it lasted.

“So... what should we do while we wait?” I asked.

“Who cares?” Ganondorf said, crossing his arms. I was about to reply when Rabia returned with an irritated Sheik.

“What do you want NOW?” he demanded as Rabia took her place between Ganondorf and myself. “I was trying to spend Valentines Day with my wife.”

“Aw! That’s so cute Sheik! We only need you for a little while.” Rabia said.

“What is this ‘Valentines Day’ everyone keeps talking about?” Ganondorf asked, genuinely confused. Sheik just stared at him blankly.

“A holiday about love. Ya know, couples doing coupley things?”

“Never heard of it.” Ganondorf said. Rabia pat him on the head.

“It’s okay Ganondorf. We all know you had a sheltered life.” she chuckled. He narrowed his eyes at her, but said nothing.

“...Why am I here?” Sheik asked impatiently.

“I don’t know, ask Darth Vader.” Rabia yawned. Sheik turned to look at him.

“Well?”

“We need you and Rabia to play the songs you have been... preparing...”

“Oh. Okay then...” Sheik said, pulling out his harp. Rabia put her flute together and sighed.

“Lets just get this over with...” she said, pulling a tuner out of her case and tossing it to Sheik. He caught it easily and started tuning his harp. Suddenly Rabia darted out of the room. Ganondorf caught her flute before it tumbled to the floor.

“What in Din’s name is she doing? Where did she go?” Ganon said, confused.
“She’s really insane, Ganondorf.” Sheik replied, turning a tuning knob on his harp.
“I am aware...” he replied, shaking his head. Moments later, the crazy Gerudo girl returned. “What the hell were you doing?”

“Nothing. Just... uh... peeing.” she said, sitting back down to tune her flute. Ganondorf gave her a weird look but didn’t answer. Sheik turned to her.

“You almost ready?” he asked. She nodded and pulled out some sheet music.

“Yep.” He lifted his harp and started playing the first song, 3. It sounded awkwardly pretty and unsexual on the harp and flute... but then they started to sing. Rabia’s very high voice made everyone flinch at first, but they eventually adjusted. A few of the villains were tapping their feet, snapping their fingers or humming along with the song as they continued. One awkward villain at the end -- not going to mention any namesDARTHMAULahem -- was headbanging for no reason. As for Ganondorf and I, we just sat there and stared. After the performance was done, everyone clapped and Darth Maul cheered loudly. The two bowed. “How was it?” Rabia asked with a grin. I forced a smile on my face.

“Uh... Different, definitely! Right Ganon? Uh it was in-interesting...” I looked away and coughed. Ganon continued to sit with his arms folded and eyes narrowed, not saying a word.

“Hey, they liked it more than I thought they would,” Sheik whispered to Rabia. Rabia stared at me.

“You didn’t like it, did you Zant?” she asked.

“...Honestly, if I had made a rap breakdown in the middle of the song, it would be nine hundred times --”

“Worse. No. That’s never going to happen,” Sheik quickly interrupted me. He cleared his throat, lifted his harp again, and looked at Rabia. “Okay, let’s do this next one.”

“Okay.” she said, picking up her guitar instead and strumming the chords.

“F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me. N is for anywhere at any time at all down here in the deep blue sea!” Sheik sang.

“F is for fire that burns down the whole town. U is for uranium BOMBS! N is for no survivors, when you--!” Rabia sang.

“Rabia! That’s not what fun is all about! Now do it like this.” Sheik said.

“F is for frolic through all the flowers. U is for ukulele! N is for nose picking, chewing gum and sand licking here with my best buddy!” The two of them sang together. They finished the song a little while after, but no one clapped. Rabia glared at them.

“Clap god dammit!” They all reluctantly clapped and stared at the two performers slightly scared. Dr. Eggman (Robotnnik, whatever you wish to call him) leaned toward Wario.

“Who does THAT for fun? What’s not fun about uranium?” Wario shrugged.

“Well, since NOBODY liked that one, I guess we’ll just move onto the next one! Hmph!” She then started the next song, which was Why Not by Hilary Duff.

“You act like you don't know me when you see me on the street.
You're makin' like I turn you off when I know you think I'm sweet” Sheik sang awkwardly. Sauron started to giggle at Sheik, who in turn glared at him. “It don’t have to be like that, I guess you’re insecure. If you say what’s on your mind I might answer sure.” Sauron’s giggling increased when Sheik finished that verse. “So I walk a little slower and I try to catch your eye. Sometimes it’s so hard to see the good things passing by. There may never be a sign, no flashing neon light telling you to make your move or when the time is right.”

Before they started the chorus, Sauron started full on laughing and Sheik set his harp down. “Stop that, Sauron! It’s not that funny!” he cried. A tear dripped from Sauron’s eye as he continued to laugh.

“I have a question...” Rabia said suddenly. “Sauron... how do you giggle if you’re an eye?” He stopped giggling and blinked at her.

“Um... I don’t know.” he said. Rabia gestured to Sheik, who carried on singing.

“Why not take a crazy chance? Why not do a crazy dance? If you lose a moment you might lose a lot so why not? Why not?” Sheik said. Eventually they finished the childish song. Everyone laughed, and they laughed so hard they couldn’t even lift their hands to clap. Sheik gave them all dirty looks, but ignored the laughter. “Okay, okay, let’s move on to the next song..” he grumbled.

“I liked it, Sheik!” I said cheerfully, but not honestly. He just glared at me and started playing Witch Doctor.

“This is such a bad song.” Rabia giggled. “I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do.” she sang, trying not to laugh. “ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang. Ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang. ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang. ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.” They continued like this for a few minutes before finally reaching the end of the song. I clapped enthusiastically, and so did a few others around the table.

“I just LOVE that song!” I said. “Great job!”

“That sucked.” Ganondorf was still sitting, being cranky as usual. “Do you guys always distract people with song?”

“No, of course not!” Rabia said. “Sometimes I seduce them instead!”

“Oh yeah, I guess this is true... Well, that was still terrible.”

“...Well should we sex it up? Would that make it better? We could make Sheik less mannish and more attractive.” She said, looking at him. He quickly shook his head and looked at Ganondorf sternly.

“No, that definitely wouldn’t work...” Everyone sat in thought for a moment.

“Well, actually, if you two were really sexy women that were helping sell the cookies, that could keep their attention even if you sang horribly,” I added. “What do you guys think?” Sheik sighed.

“Why me?” he asked.

“Zant, I think you just wanna see sexy ladies.” Rabia said, winking at me.

“I think it could work.” Murtagh said thoughtfully, stroking his chin.

“See? Everyone agrees. So it’s settled -- you two will be sexy girl scouts, and you will be singing horribly!” I cheered. Sheik glared at Rabia.

“You just had to mention seduction, didn’t you?!” he said angrily.

“Awe, Sheik! You’ll make a beautiful girl! You just have to shave!” Rabia giggled. He glared at her.

“I’m leaving now. I have better things to do than crossdress for you creeps.” He angrily left the room. Rabia rolled her eyes at him and sat down in her chair next to Ganondorf and myself.

“When Vaati comes back to fix our girl scout uniforms I’ll get him to cross dress for him. Even if I have to do something INCREDIBLY EVIIIIIL.” She said, putting her flute into the case. I nodded and turned back to the table.

“Now, who wants to plant the bomb? No offense, but you aren’t the sneakiest, Robotnik...” I started. Nobody moved or answered. “Maybe someone... Small... Who treads lightly...” Still, nobody moved. “...Do I have to elect someone?” When nobody answered, I took that as a yes. “Okay, Iago, I elect you! You can plant the bomb!” Iago went to protest, but I interrupted him. “Now, shall we celebrate this holiday and go party?!” I asked.

“Wait... today is a holiday?” Ganondorf asked, still confused. Rabia facepalmed.

“I think partying is a wonderful idea, Zant.” Darth Vader said, folding his fingers together.

“Then it’s settled! Let’s go party!” I said. We then left for the club. When we were there we saw Zelda dancing by herself and started laughing evilly before starting to party with each other and have a good time.