A League of Villains

Once again everyone was sitting in my dining room. Unfortunately, everyone was arguing back and forth with each other about who was getting which countries.

“ALRIGHT!” I cried. “That’s enough.” Everyone slowly began to settle down. “My fellow villains, we are going to give seven, more capable villains a continent to rule. Now if you know you’re an incompetent villain, you are not going to be receiving a continent. I’m sorry.” I said. Ursula crossed her arms and Ghirahim looked disappointed.

“Rabia, Ganondorf and Scar, the three of you will share Africa as your continent. Is that alright with you?” Ganondorf grumbled in response and Scar grinned a big, lion grin. Rabia nodded.

“That would be fine Zant.” she said, smiling at me widely. It was actually rather frightening.

“Okay! Moving on! Ghirahim and Demise, you two can share North America.” I said, turning to look at them. They looked at each other and shrugged.

“Sure, why not?” Demise said.

“Bellatrix, Voldemort and Darth Vader, you three get Asia.” I said.

“That sounds fantastic.” Bellatrix grinned.

“I agree.” Darth Vader said. Voldemort just looked bored.

“Sauron, you get Australia. Sephiroth, Bowser and Darth Maul, you all get Europe.” The aforementioned people seemed pleased. “Jafar, Iago, Joker and Robotnik, you all get South America.” I said, looking at the four I had mentioned. Jafar grinned and Iago squawked triumphantly. Robotnik nodded.

“South America will get me one step closer to the entire world, so I’m pleased.” The Joker just laughed his legendary laugh, also satisfied.

“Ursula, you will rule over any open ocean.” I said.

“YES! FINALLY MY DAAAY AS RUUUULER HAS COOOOOME!” she cried.

“Yes... well... anyways, Vaati, Shadow Link and I will rule over Antarctica.” I said.

“WHAT?! Antarctica?! Master... What’s Antarctica?” Shadow asked. Vaati shrugged.

“I dunno. Is it a mountain?” A few other villains laughed.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Zant.... Antarctica is a continent made entirely of ice...” Rabia whispered. I gasped.

“What?! Entirely?! Well, do people live there?” Everyone laughed some more.

“Zant.... Only penguins and polar bears live in Antarctica... Oh, and some leopard seals...” I glared at everyone.

“WHY was I not informed of this? WHO thought this would be a good idea?!”

“Well, there are some scientists in Antarctica too, I suppose,” Rabia added.

“AHA! Scientists! I can have scientists create.... scientific things for me! Take THAT, losers!” I sat there triumphantly. Everyone else just stared at me.

“Wait! This means my minions can make little villages and live among the rest of the world!” Vaati cheered. “I’m fine with a barren land if my minions can stay there!” He high-fived Shadow, and Vaati started eating the corn in front of him.

“Well, since that is settled, what has everyone been doing since we’ve taken over the world?” I asked. “Is there anything new going on? Any important information anyone would like to share?” Shadow started giggling obnoxiously.

“I’m sure Ra- OW!” he cried as Vaati elbowed him in the side. Ganondorf slammed his fists down on the table in annoyance.

“Alright, SERIOUSLY. Rabia, Shadow or Vaati -- SOMEBODY -- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO RABIA.” There was a silence at the table.

“.....I have a cold.” Rabia faked a sneeze. Immediately, Shadow pulled out a Kleenex box and Sephiroth rummaged around in his bag.

“I’m sure I have some cough medicine in here somewhere,” he muttered. Ganondorf slumped down in his seat.

“Holy fuck... I just give up... Din, kill me where I stand, I’m just done...”

“But you’re not standing...” Rabia said.

“......I just give up.......”

“Uhhh so.... The only news there is is that Ganondorf is still crazy, Rabia has a cold, and Shadow and Sephiroth really need lives?” I asked.

“Well... Ursula is actually happy for once!” Rabia said. “Right Ursula?” Ursula was putting on the king’s crown and laughing insanely. “See? And Murtagh got a girlfriend! Her name is Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth...” Murtagh sighed with a dreamy expression on his face.

“Have you done anything new, Zant?” Rabia asked, looking at me. I sighed.

“...No.... Being dead isn’t all it’s cracked up to be...” I sighed once more.

“Awe... I’m sorry Zant.” she said, patting me on the shoulder. There was an awkward silence.

“So no one else has anything new going on today?” I asked. Everyone shook their heads. “Well damn. Now what are we supposed to talk about?” There was a silence. Suddenly, eighteen of the people in the room shed their costumes.

“How did we NOT notice eighteen extra people?” Rabia asked, shaking her head.
“Um... that’s a good question.” I said, looking at our heroic counterparts. “Hey guys, what’s up?” I asked, waving at them.

“RABIA! I KNEW YOU ONLY HAD BAD INTENTIONS!” Link yelled, running towards her with his sword drawn.

“Whoa whoa whoa, back up Link!” Shadow said, stopping him before he had the chance to swing.

“What, you demon?!” he cried.

“Shouldn’t you be running towards -- gee, I don’t know -- maybe... GANONDORF... or DEMISE... Or any other INSANELY evil enemy of yours?” Link thought about this.

“Hmm... Maybe... But if I get to Rabia first, then it will weaken Ganondorf!”

“Don’t touch Rabia! You might hurt the-- OOOOF! Ow, sorry...” Vaati had hit him... again.

“AHA!!! So Vaati is here too?! Ohhh, this is like a cult of villains or something!” he hollered.

“Actually, I thought we were more like a guild,” Darth Vader said.

“I think of it more as a social group,” I added.

“No way, it’s totally a lodge,” Vaati said. Link screamed in frustration. Sexual frustration. Not really, but he is pretty sexually frustrated. Rabia threw her shoe at him, which for some reason is always super effective.

“OW! Ohhh, now you’re gonna get it!” He lunged for her, sword ready, but quickly pulled to a stop when Ghirahim stepped in front of him. “Running the other way, running the other way!” he cried. Ghirahim then chased him around the table many times, and I looked to see what the others were doing. Venom and his enemy were crawling up the walls of the room, throwing things at each other and trying to catch one another in webs. Bowser was trying to blow fire on Mario and Luigi, while the two tried to stomp on his head.

Harry and Voldemort were running around the room, viciously deuling. Voldemort had gained the upper hand, and when Bellatrix decided to join in, they had Harry stepping backwards to try and avoid their spells. Finally the villains managed to back Harry up into a pole. He hit his head off it and fell forward, unconscious. Rabia stifiled a tiny giggle at his expense, and the few villains that were not up and fighting yet continued to watch the riff raff. So far it seemed as if the villains were winning. Galbatorix and Murtagh had Eragon at their mercy, Capricorn had Meggie and her father begging them to let them go (idiots), and Jafar and Iago were chasing Aladdin around the room behind Ghirahim and Link.

About fifteen minutes later, almost all the heroic counterparts had been subdued or knocked out in some way. The only ones left were Link, Aladdin and Eragon.

“Have you given up yet, fools?” I asked with a grin on my face.

“NEVER!” Link cried, huffing and puffing while reaching into his pouch for a potion. “See?” he said, lifting an orange one up. “This one keeps you alive AND conscience, so take THAT!” He gulped it down as quickly as he could, then placed it back in his bag satisfied.

“So Link... that will keep you conscience no matter what?” Rabia asked. He nodded.

“Yep, so suck on those, bitch.”

“So... if I cut off your head, you would remain conscience?” she asked, grinning an evil grin and pulling her scimitars out of their sheaths. He yelled and hid behind Eragon.

“Uhhh... M-maybe, but I’d rather not find out,” he whimpered. Suddenly, he gasped. “Oh mushroom... I drank the wrong potion...” he said. He then fell down, fast asleep... which is a form of unconsciousness.

“Awe... I really wanted to know if it would work.” Rabia crossed her arms and pouted. Murtagh brought the pommel of his sword down on Eragon’s head, knocking him out quickly. All that was left was Aladdin. All the villains in the room turned to look at him. His face fell and he quickly thought of possible escape routes. As Jafar lunged for him, he jumped on the table and ran for a nearby window.

“Get him!” Jafar yelled. Everybody in the room ran for him, most unsuccessfully. Aladdin was nearing the window, singing a song as he went along. There was a loaf of bread and an apple on the table, which he made sure to grab. As he jumped onto the sill of the window, King Dedede smacked him in the side with his giant hammer, knocking him into the nearby wall.

“Good one, Dedede!” Iago screeched. Aladdin looked around at the crowd slowly advancing on him and attempted to jump over their heads. This normally would have worked, except for the fact that he tried to jump over Ganondorf. He grabbed the boy mid-jump, and threw him hard into the wall, finally knocking him unconscious.

“...that must of hurt.” Rabia pointed out. Ganondorf rolled his eyes at her. The villains then proceeded to pile up the bodies in a corner of the room, then sat back at their seats to continue the meeting. “So anways, what shall we do first after we establish rule over out continents?” Rabia asked, drinking from a bottle of water.

“I say we make sure that the people know this is a dictatorship. There will be no voting. Except for like, individual countries... but... yeah, there is no replacing us as supreme rulers!” I said.

“Hehe supreme sounds like soup.” Murtagh giggled. Galbatorix smacked him upside the head.

“Shut up Murtagh.”

“Yes sir.”

“Anyways, once that is established, shall we try to fix our practically economically destroyed countries?” Rabia asked. Ganondorf nodded.

“Yes, that sounds great. I wish for my country to be a communist country -- everyone shall be treated and paid the same,” Vader said, his hands folded on the table.

“Good choice Vader. My country doesn’t have people so that doesn’t really matter too much. But it does have penguins.” I added, grinning. “Do penguins need a government?”

“No Zant... they don’t.” Rabia said, shaking her head. “Poor Africa is like, dying right now. Damn it Zant why did you have to give Ganon and I the difficult one?! You ASS hole.” she said. “But... the people of Africa will get new opportunities I suppose... And I suppose we could show them how to cultivate food in their climates. I mean... it IS pretty fucking dry in Africa.”

“And in the sea, I want everyone to have to proclaim their love for me, bow to me, and/or bring me presents at noon everyday!” Ursula cheered.

“In Antarctica, I’m gonna help all the penguins build little houses for their eggs with little lamps so they can go fishing and bowling instead of sit on the eggs all day!” Vaati said happily.

“You idiot, they don’t have bowling allies on Antarctica -- AND PENGUINS CAN’T BOWL!” Ganondorf said.

“I shall teach them! And I shall build some!” He stuck his tongue out at him.

“I shall have my people build me a giant castle to live in, complete with a giant statue of myself on the roof,” Bowser said, pleased.

“Well good.” I said. “What laws shall we pass? First, no law breaking. Second, seriously, no law breaking. Third, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber are sentenced to die. Fourth, Zelda is the best video game in the world. Fifth, I can’t think of a fifth.” I said.

“Well, everybody KNOWS Zelda is the best,” Ghirahim said. “Do we really need to make that a law?” Sephiroth coughed loudly, getting everyone to pay attention.

“In MY land, people will get looooong long sentences in jail if they abuse animals, mhm mhm,” he started. “And ALSO, shitty music will not be tolerated ; if someone is caught listening to horrible music, they will be banished from the country. Oh, and lastly, in my land, Rabia is my queen.” He nodded.

“Sephiroth, since when do you care about ANY of that?” I asked. He glared at me.

“Sorry, but Rabia’s already my queen,” Ganondorf said. “Go find another one.”

“Why can’t YOU find another one? You already get one of the largest continents on the planet, while I get stuck with one of the fucking tiniest! I think your queen is a fair deal,” he said.

“Alright alright, let’s not fight about this you guys,” I said. “Now, let’s establish the core laws for all our countries. Any suggestions? I mean, besides the four I already suggested..”

“How about... you do NOT have the right to carry arms.” Rabia said, grinning. “Except for a club. Clubs are fine.”

“Alright, good good,” I said, writing this down on a piece of paper. “Anything else?”

“How about... No leaders are allowed to start wars unless the entire lodge approves?”
Bowser suggested. Everyone thought about this for a moment.

“Or maybe... No one is allowed to start wars over anything like money, religion or politics -- but over stupid things like food and whose girlfriend is hotter, definitely, go for it.” Everyone nodded in agreement. “Alright, sounds good,” I said, writing this down as well.

“So.... can Rabia is sexy be a law?” Rabia asked, grinning at me. I thought about it for a moment.

“Well... since everyone agrees, sure.” I said, writing it down.

“Yay!” Rabia said cheerfully.

“All electronics have to be approved by Dr. Robotnik.” Dr. Robotnik suggested. I wrote that one down as well.

“Anything else?” Everybody thought. “Well, how about all headmasters of magical schools have to be approved by Lord Voldemort first?”

“No. No that is a terrible idea! All the kids would learn is how to KILL someone. I mean... that’s not a TERRIBLE thing to know... but STILL!” Rabia said, shocked. Voldemort glared at her, and his eyes narrowed to even smaller slits than they were before.

“....So is that a no?” I asked, looking around the room. Bellatrix was also glaring at Rabia. Before anyone had a chance to reply, a few of the heroes started to stir. Link was up on his feet in a moment and Harry stood slowly, slightly dazed.

“YOU FOUL VILLAINS!” Link cried, running at the table with his sword raised. Vaati snapped his fingers and a magical barrier was created around them, and Dr. Robotnik sent a few robots to guard them just in case.

“Continue,” they said. Suddenly, despite their precautions, the barrier was broken and the robots were destroyed... BY SONG. The heroes who had awakened were all singing, and for some reason this broke through the spell.

“What the --- !” I started, before being sliced through by Link’s sword. It was no use, though, because I was already dead. Rabia threw her other shoe at his head, which he sliced in half with his sword.

“Dammit Link, those were expensive.” she said, glaring at him. Link stabbed his sword through me a few more times.

“WHY WON’T YOU DIIIIIE?!” he roared. I sighed and shook my head. This boy was hopeless. Ghirahim stood up and stretched, then made his way over to Link where he did his creepy tongue thing right next to his face. Link darted off quickly and hid behind Shadow. Shadow tried to shove him away.

“Go AWAY Link, you’re so fucking stupid.” he grumbled. The heroes were still singing, all their different songs mingling into one. One song that made all the villains cringe and cover their ears. A song so bad it would make Beethoven and all other great composers turn in their graves.

“BABY, BABY, BABY OOOH! BABY BABY BABY OOOH!” They all sang badly, except for Aladdin and Ariel, because they are good singers. Spiderman shot a web in Ursula’s eyes, making her shriek as she fell over in shock. Vaati grabbed Rabia and ran under the table, hoping to protect her from Link who was now blindly swinging his sword around in an attempt to kill somebody. Mario had taken out FLUDD and was spraying people in the face with water.
It seemed as if all the villains except for Vaati, Rabia and myself were engaged in a battle of epic proportions with their arch nemesis. I sighed and shook my head. These heroes were more trouble than they were worth. Finally I stood up.

“That is ENOUGH!” I snapped. Everyone paused what they were doing to look at me. “You heroes are SUCH a NUISANCE. You have destroyed my dining room, attacked my guests, and you’ve gotten your nasty BLOOD all over my expensive FLOORS! You know what? You should just leave!” I said, pointing towards the door. There was an awkward silence, then finally all the heroes grabbed their things and walked through the door with their heads hanging in shame. All the villains slowly got themselves together and sat back down in their chairs. Rabia and Vaati crawled out from under the table and took their seats as well. “Now, we were talking about laws, correct?” I asked. A few of the villains nodded, then there was a knock on the door.

“What is it NOW!?” I said, standing up and pushing my chair out of the way. I opened the door to find Link standing in front of me. “WHAT?!”

“Uhhh... I forgot my sword...” I grabbed the sword of the floor and thrust it towards him.

“THERE! NOW GO!” With that, I slammed the door and returned to my seat. “ANYWAY... Any other laws we should go over?” There was a silence among the table.

“Um... how about we ban heroes from having the right of breaking and entering.” Rabia suggested.

“Oh you bet! Best law suggested all damn day,” I said, writing this down.

“What about heroes not being allowed to kill any of us.” she also suggested.

“Mhm, mhm, go on,” I said.

“And what about heroes having to live all in one place, and if they ever leave they’ll be brutally murdered,” Wario suggested with a wailing laugh.

“How about heroes don’t exist any more and are just regular people that can’t do anything.” Rabia said, grinning. “That would be helpful. Then we wouldn’t have any stupid people getting in our way.” I thought about this.

“Yes, but if we DID have stupid people in our way, it would make us look even better,” I added.

“That’s true... well... okay lets just not let them have the right of breaking and entering, and that if they leave the one place they leave in they all get brutally tortured and/or beaten.” Rabia said, nodding. “Oh, and can we make it a law that girls are smarter than guys?” The men at the table glared at her, and the women agreed.

“Maybe in your INDIVIDUAL lands, but not collectively,” I said.

“Yeah... I didn’t think you’d agree to that. Ganon, that will be a thing in Africa.” Rabia said. “Anyways, what other laws should we have? Um... no jumping out of airplanes? I’m pretty sure that’s an actual law in Maine...”

“What’s Maine?” a majority of the table asked.

“Wait, why would people jump out of planes? That’s just silly,” Vaati said.

“Oh, people go skydiving all the time!” Rabia said with a smile. “I did it once! I wouldn’t suggest it...” she shuddered. Vaati just blinked.

“Um... okay then.” he said, still not fully understanding what skydiving was. I glanced around my dining room and groaned. This was going to take forever to clean up in the state it was in. I sighed.

“Well guys, I think we’re going to have to cut this meeting short for now. But next time we’ll think of more over all laws, and I want to hear some for your individual lands as well. I had a great time, minus the heroes running in and ruining everything. I’ll see you next week.” I said, standing up. The other’s followed suit, and started filing out the door.

Rabia held Ganondorf back for a second and gestured for him to crouch down a bit. She whispered something in his ear and he froze. After a moment he straightened up.

“.....Oh....” he said. Vaati grabbed Shadow’s arm and left so fast I almost didn’t see him leave at all. “Well.... oh....” he said, totally shocked. The people still in the room stared at him for a moment then shrugged it off and walked out.

“Bye Zant!” Rabia said to me, waving. She took Ganondorf’s arm and they walked out of the room, Ganondorf was rather in a daze. They were the last to leave. I looked around my destroyed dining room with a sigh. I pushed in the chairs that hadn’t been pushed in and gathered up a mop, a broom and a bucket of soapy water. I grumbled to myself about stupid heroes as I started to scrub my dining room clean.